Childhood and the impact on adult relationships

[welliesinmay]

How much do you think parental influence/upbringing has on a future adult relationship between a couple?

My DP had a bit of a tough time growing up, from what I can tell. Some examples include:

• Parents physically fighting
• Seeing his father hit mother
• His mother telling him regularly as he grew up (between ages of 4-1) that she was going to leave his father
• When they divorced, DP aged 12, his mother would leave the house while his father collected him (she would drive around the corner)
• D's mother would tell DP that he had to 'hide the pet cat' from father when father picked him up
• Age 8, DP forgot it was his mum's bday and so did his father, and she shouted/was angry at DP and father
• Age 18, DP's mum got drunk one night over Xmas and disappeared for hours...DP had to phone police as he was so worried
• DP was, and still is, subjected to sarcastic, negative comments about his father from his mother, on a regular basis, which I find uncomfortable as they have been divorced 15 years and DP sees each parent equally now.

My DP struggles to communicate with me. He will beat around the bush, imply things, and is hugely indecisive about life decisions. He seems to have a very careful view of relationships where he seems unable to fully 'let go' and depend on me/be a couple. I have talked with him about this, and as he is approaching 30, I have started to wonder if he will ever change. He is extremely sensitive to his mother's needs, and seems emotionally embroiled in her life. I am no expert, but feel like a lot of my DP's behavior is rooted in this unstable background.

My question is, is it possible that this kind of upbringing can impact an adult's life in this way, and if so, can it be helped?

Totally. Your parents teach you how to deal with things emotionally. Also, he probably learnt to keep his head down and not offer an opinion. Opinions probably = angry parent.

He can only get help if he recognises he needs it and then wants it. You can't force him to. Does he have moments of sadness/loneliness/helplessness that he would like to sort out? They are common feelings in someone who had emotionally absent/aggressive parents.

The sort of help he can get is a. counselling and b. self help books about emotionally absent parents and the effect on the growing brain.

also, he might be trying to fulfill a caregiving role with his relationship with his mother. If in his childhood he got affection if he looked after mum (like when she was abused or when his father left), then he will continue to try and get affection this way as an adult.

Thanks popalot

I don't think DP recognises that the way he deals with things isn't exactly 'normal.' From learning about his past, it just made me wonder if that is why he is how he is... I have suggested this in the past and I am met with some aggression and a defensive comment about there having been nothing wrong with his upbringing..

Yes it can and yes it can be helped by a trained counsellor.

When we are failed as children it comes back to bite us as adults.

quitelikely my DP would claim that the above list had no impact on him and that it happened to lots of people.

Am I being over the top to think that those examples aren't healthy for a child?

No you're not being over the top at ALL. You're absolutely right that it really isn't healthy and that it has an impact on nearly everyone, this kind of upbringing.

What popalot says. Yes it's affected him. But he can only change if he recognises the problems and wants to do something about them. Simply not recognising the problem, well, everyone starts off there. But after that he can choose to deny the problems or he can choose to face them. Or possibly inbetween too - after a period of denial, he may come to face them. But until he does it will impact on your relationship.

He probably doesn't dare trust you enough to fully open up to you. Not your fault; but he's learned that he can't. Being supremely sensitive to his mother's moods and needs is something that comes when you haven't had safety as a child. Her needs trump his, in the depths of his mind.

Childhood doesn't go away. When you grow up healthily, you grow up and it becomes part of you and part of the past. It's at the core of you, though you have forgotten it. When something goes wrong you never quite fully grow up becuase the core has a crack in it and you can't wholeheartedly look forward.

Thanks Meerka

I just feel so exhausted with the way my DP behaves. He doesn't do anything particularly nasty as such...but his indecision, lack of ability to TALK to me about things and be open, and also to depend on me as his partner, is becoming really draining :( I've asked many times if I do something that makes him feel he cant talk and communicate clearly with me, and he is adamant that it's not me. I am also a very open person and I encourage him to talk and I am sensitive to him, so I honestly dont know why he would behave the way he does. It's so frustrating.

I have tried to subtly mention the past and suggest to him that he needs to realise that how his parents treated one another wasnt the norm and isn't healthy. The way he defends them (particularly mum), just makes me feel like it's a lost cause. I'm not asking him to disown his mum or anything...I just feel I need him to appreciate that her attitude to life/friends/relationships is so so so unhealthy. She recently told him that he should never plan a life with me as he needs to ensure his life is separate from anyone else's. And it's not like her and I arent civil, we are, but that is just her take on life, and one he seems to have completely adopted.

Think very carefully before you have children with this man.

If he doesn't recognise the damage his parents inflicted on him, he may go on to inflict it on his own children.

I'm not being sensationalist. We tend to parent how we were parented, because that's our template. If we don't recognise that our template is wrong, we're pretty much doomed to repeat it.

'Childhood doesn't go away'

Absolutely right. There is no magic switch that gets flicked that turns you into an adult who functions as a rational, mature, well adjusted person. It sounds like your DP was very scared as a child. It sounds like a huge amount of responsibility was put on his shoulders and that he was defined by his parents mostly in terms of how useful he was to them at any given time, rather than being seen as a person in his own right. Both my DP and I had quite similar experiences to your DP and it certainly affects us both hugely now.

He absolutely can change but it has to come from him. For me, the answer has been psychotherapy. I got out of a violent relationship 11 years ago and one year later, felt like I hadn't even begun to come to terms with it. Through years of therapy, I can see that I was actually in an emotionally abusive relationship with my parents from babyhood so I was perfectly primed to continue the same thing as an adult. I am a very different person now. Its been an intensely painful process but the best thing I have ever done for myself.

thanks everyone.

I just feel so frustrated as he is very emotionally embroiled with his mum, which makes it less likely for him to step back and realise how dysfunctional his past has been.

When I have mentioned this in the past, he reacts sarcastically saying 'well your parents were perfect.' It upsets me so much. I actually know my parents weren't perfect and I dont believe any parent is. But the things he has seen/ways his mum has conducted his upbringing, is just so unnatural to me.

If I havent caused him not to communicate with e and not to open up and not to be decisive and positive about our relationship, then all I can think of is that he has a deep-rooted dysfunctional view on what it is to be in a relationship with someone. I'm exhaused by it all.

You don't say whether you want children or not and maybe you don't, but if you do, pocketsaviour speaks a lot of sense.

It sounds like you had an emotionally healthy upbringing, but he sure didn't. He says that you are not the problem, and I would believe him. You sound like a very open, positive sort of person but he has learned that its just not safe to be like that.

This is deep, dark stuff that can take years to untangle in therapy. He possibly isn't really aware of how enmeshed he is with his mother, and how unhealthy their relationship is. It sounds very much like he has been brought up to consider his mother's needs before his own. He has learned that not being at his mother's beck and call makes her angry, and leaves him feeling all sorts of horrible emotions. He's still afraid of her

'If I havent caused him not to communicate with e and not to open up and not to be decisive and positive about our relationship, then all I can think of is that he has a deep-rooted dysfunctional view on what it is to be in a relationship with someone.'

That's exactly it wellies. You've got it. It's intensely painful to think of your parents as being dangerous and unhealthy, which is why he lashes out when you suggest it. The idea that your childhood was an abusive one, and that your relationship with your parents is not what you thought it was, is so painful, its like having your guts ripped out. Deep down, he knows you're speaking the truth, which is why he gets angry. He's nto ready to deal with it right now. Whether he will ever be ready to face the truth, no-one can say I'm afraid.

And yes, it is very exhausting to be in a relationship with someone like this. Lots of sympathy here

Thanks so much lotta

Unfortunately I don't think he will be ready to address it anytime soon. He would laugh if he saw thins and think I was being invasive and criticisng his family. He would feel defensive. He would think I was being 'miss perfect' and identifying fault with his family. At no point would he think actually, yes, none of that was right and that's why I behave like I do with my own relationships.

I don't want to upset him and I am not at all suggesting that my family is superior to his. But I can't go on trying to counteract all the strange relationship habits he seems to have acquired. The relationship with his mother is a little inappropriate to my mind - she is completely emotionally dependant on him. That isn't going to change anytime soon, and that influence from her on what it is to be in a relationship remains strong. I am so drained with having to try and explain to him that the things she says is so dysfunctional - he also sees it as an attack on her. I can't win.

And it's not like i am qualified to even get my head around any of it... feels so hard.

I feel for you both. My childhood was pretty normal in most ways, certainly not abusive or anything, but my parents divorced when I was a toddler. Up until a few years ago, I swore blind that this had no effect on me. It's only recently that I've come to realise how it's coloured my view of relationships. Not because of the divorce itself, but because I had no model of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. I don't think I knew a single 'happy' couple.

A lot of what you say about your partner, I recognize in myself. I feel that I can only really rely on myself- I can't fully trust anyone else or give myself to them completely, the idea feels alien to me. Because as a child I learned that adults don't do that.

I think it can be- not cured exactly, but got past. DH and I have had some tough times, but we've both come to accept that we approach things in a different way.

In your place, I wouldn't push the discussions about his family, because it will feel to him like you're attacking people he lives. I would focus on concrete examples of what he does and how it makes you feel. And not just the negative things- if he does open up even a little, let him know that you appreciate it.

my DP would claim that the above list had no impact on him and that it happened to lots of people.

He is correct that this sort of thing happens to lots of people. He is incorrect that it has no impact. Of course it did, some good, some bad.

Communication skills are a thing that can be learned without his undergoing counselling and therapy and being required to claim some level of acceptance and understanding of his past. Might he be more open to marital counselling to improve communication between you both? Your upbringing may be better than the mess he was raised in, that doesnt mean the systems you have learned are perfect. Couples both from not disastrous families have issues reconciling reasonable, but different, styles of communicating. Set aside his upbringing and him, and yours and you. Focus just on the here and now.

Coming at the problem from an 'us' point of view instead of 'him' would mean he doesnt have to go into defensive mode. Learning a better way, and living with it, is what might help him begin to see what you see when you look at his childhood.

thanks mrsK

He definitely feels like I am attacking his family when I have mentioned it in the past. Ont he odd occasion he has agreed that something isn't quite right and but it's like he is skirting round it and wants to ignore it.

As far as he is concerned, even if his childhood wasnt typical...is definitely wasnt dysfunctional.

It;s hard to exlain when I say he doesnt compleely give himself to the relationship...he is very private. He has cried in front of me rarely, and seems to hide his feelings on a regular basis. He won't say if something has upset him, and I will spend a couple of weeks trying to figure out what is going on in his head, then have to confront him, and he will say 'i didn';t thnk i could tell you,' or ' i didnt think it was important.' He will say sorry a lot.

His father's new partner told me from day one that I would have problems communicating with my DP. I didn't believe her. She was very right!

Coming from a similar background to your DP. Yes, it will affect him. Yes, he will find it difficult to trust. Can he overcome it slowly if he wants to with love and support, yes.

The thing is, he has to want to. And if he does want to, the support you will need to give him will be huge.

The way he defends them (particularly mum),

He is extremely sensitive to his mother's needs, and seems emotionally embroiled in her life.

he relationship with his mother is a little inappropriate to my mind - she is completely emotionally dependant on him. That isn't going to change anytime soon, and that influence from her on what it is to be in a relationship remains strong

This all sounds pretty unhealthy.

I'm afraid that your husband can only break the choking apron springs himself.

I'm also afraid pocketsaviour is right. Be very, very careful before you have children with this man because you won't be having them with him - you'll be having them with him and his mother and think about just how much influence she's going to want. Very seriously, your husband is likely to choose his mother over you for a long time, maybe always, when it comes to parenting conflicts - and as you say, she did not set a good example and if she is interfering, you are really going to have a problem.

If necessary (I'm not saying it is, just saying this in case) there's an old phrase 'detach with love'. It might be worth remembering.

Very interesting posts here.
I recognise many of these traits in myself too.
I have been looking at 'attachment theory' to try to get more understanding - 'avoidant attachment' is when as infants and small children your physical and emotional needs were not met, or met inconsistently... which can lead to anticipating that your attempts at connection will not be met, and trying to block the flood of sad emotions, to protect yourself.

This is just an uninformed view but my view is that adult relationship behaviour is almost totally determined by what their parents relationship patterns were. Which is one reason why I would treat a shitty childhood as a red flag and not get into a relationship with that person. Unfair? Maybe, but worth considering if you don't want to end up with an a**hole.

As someone who was bought up in a highly dysfunctional family, I have lived to pay the price and my marriage is marred by the long term effects it has on me. My cbt therapist explained it's all because my mind and body don't ' know' I've grown up and am not in the dangerous situation I was in during childhood. So it reacts in the same way my 7 year old self did. Fight or flight, self preservation, my body reacts to everything like it's an emergency. I am devestated that this is my life. I am devestated my children may pick up some of it from me. I see people who have happy adult relationships, who aren't constantly convinced their partner is about to leave them and I'm just so envious and pissed off my parents has impacted on me and my life in this way, and my dhs and dcs lives.

That sounds so depressing! But it's how I feel constantly.

I believe that his childhood will have affected him, yes. But I also believe it's normal not to realise this, and to defend your family if someone else starts to criticise them. I think you will get further if you address the issues in your relationship and communication directly, rather than relating them back to his childhood, until he is ready to do so.

Know exactly where you are coming from sneakybollox

Sorry not read previous posts. My ex had an awful childhood when it comes to his parents. They were not role models in the slightest. It certainly had damage on him and all his siblings in fact.

The entire premise of psychotherapy is based around the past playing out in the present so it's an absolute certainty his childhood has affected him. Unfortunately it is also now affecting you. He is unlikely to get better without doing some work on himself, as he seems so unwilling to do this then I don't know that he will be able to be a good partner for you, and I can't see the relationship getting any better. You might be better off cutting your losses and finding someone less defended and more self-aware, or at least more open-minded about self-development. I'm sure he's a great guy but I would not have a long-term relationship with someone with such ingrained issues. I know this sounds selfish but this is my bread and butter at work so at home I need to be with uncomplicated, self-aware, positive people!