Childhood and the impact on adult relationships

[welliesinmay]

How much do you think parental influence/upbringing has on a future adult relationship between a couple?

My DP had a bit of a tough time growing up, from what I can tell. Some examples include:

• Parents physically fighting
• Seeing his father hit mother
• His mother telling him regularly as he grew up (between ages of 4-1) that she was going to leave his father
• When they divorced, DP aged 12, his mother would leave the house while his father collected him (she would drive around the corner)
• D's mother would tell DP that he had to 'hide the pet cat' from father when father picked him up
• Age 8, DP forgot it was his mum's bday and so did his father, and she shouted/was angry at DP and father
• Age 18, DP's mum got drunk one night over Xmas and disappeared for hours...DP had to phone police as he was so worried
• DP was, and still is, subjected to sarcastic, negative comments about his father from his mother, on a regular basis, which I find uncomfortable as they have been divorced 15 years and DP sees each parent equally now.

My DP struggles to communicate with me. He will beat around the bush, imply things, and is hugely indecisive about life decisions. He seems to have a very careful view of relationships where he seems unable to fully 'let go' and depend on me/be a couple. I have talked with him about this, and as he is approaching 30, I have started to wonder if he will ever change. He is extremely sensitive to his mother's needs, and seems emotionally embroiled in her life. I am no expert, but feel like a lot of my DP's behavior is rooted in this unstable background.

My question is, is it possible that this kind of upbringing can impact an adult's life in this way, and if so, can it be helped?

wellies - I echo the posts here and say that your DP's experiences will absolutely impact on your relationship and on a family, especially because he is unable to see how they have affected him.

As an aside, your focus is solely about him, but the unasked question is why it is that you are with someone who steadfastly refuses to change. Everyone, not just your DP, brings their past into the present, and I am wondering whether there is some investment you have - present or hidden - that inclines you towards trying to make something work that feels inherently unworkable.

Just a thought.

Hi OP, he doesn't have the will and insight to address how his childhood impacts on his present so he won't address it. I was in a similar situation. I found research that described exactly how my DP's particular childhood experience culminated in his adult behaviours. I clung to this research, showed it to him, and thought that it could change him, knowing his childhood had affected him in this way. He didn't change, doesn't have the insight or really the desire to change. So as a PP said; I had to look at why I was willing to cling onto this dysfunctional relationship instead.

encourage him to go see a trained counsellor. it will really help.

gatewalker thaks for your post. I really love my DP and want it to work. I guess I'm not the sort fo person to want to feel defeated in this sort of way either - it makes me feel sad. We get on so well. I have just found it hard to deal with how closed off he can be and his inability to have true commiucation with me and proper, solid confidence in us.

Communication is essential in a marriage. Absolutely essential.

I hope he can wake up and see what he's got (a loving partner) before it's too late.