Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I should be grateful but I'm just sad.....

31 replies

MrsDoolittle · 07/11/2006 16:05

For 6 years dh and I have enjoyed Christmas at my parents house. My parents are great hosts and we always eat and drink very well, the whole family come together and we have a lovely time. We are four siblings, although I am the only one with children so far.
This year has been tough for dh and I. Ds was born in February and ante-natal depression became post-natal depression, I found ds very difficult for his first 4 months and I came very close to walking out on dh. Both of us were facing redundancy over the summer.
This September I returned to work full-time, the children are full-time at nursery and dh's job has been relocated into central London impacting greatly on our lives as they were.
I'm not moaning but we have found it tough this year. For the first time we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the children are settled and as we moved at the edn of last year we have found ourselves to be living in a place we really enjoy. Dh and I decided we wanted to celebrate Christmas together, the four of us and join in with the community around us - a kind of celebration that we have made it this year and we desperately need the break.
However, this was greeted with horror from my family. We were depriving grandparents of their grandchildren at Christmas. Although I invited them to join us and said that they could have the children any time, neither were considered. I was prepared to stand my ground but dh didn't want to be blamed and he phoned dm and capitulated.
I am sad. I really feel that we have been rail-roaded into this with vast sums of black-mail. I feel disappointed that my family refused to see that what I felt was important for my little family was right.
I think the icing on the cake was when dm phoned me next day after speaking to dh asking for an explanation of why we had changed our minds. Then proceeded to tell me I was worng for wanting to spend the Christmas on our own because Christmas was for families.
I really feel quite sad that something that has always been so special in our year has turned so sour for me.
Am I blowing this all out of proportion by letting this bug me so much?

OP posts:

NAB3 · 07/11/2006 16:13

Absolutely not!! You have had a really tough year and deserve to start your own Christmas traditions. Ever since I met my husband in Jan 1996 we have spent Christmas with his family. We don't spend as long with them now, and no longer stay over due to running out of room, but every year we see them. For the last 2 at least I have wanted to have Christmas Day on our own, at our home. Every year I feel I can't deprive the children of their grandparents, and vise versa, and really want to share the children at Christmas. Last year, was awful. Won't bore you with why but we are having Christmas Day on our own this year. We will probably see the inlaws on Christmas Eve so it is not hanging over us all Christmas Day if we choose Boxing Day. We haven't told them yet and I will be leaving that to my husband.

I feel your husband and your children should come before your parents and you have to make a stand. You are an adult, have your own family and are entitled to make your own choices. It@s not like they wouldn't get to see the children. I am surprised they are not more understanding and happy for you that you have been made so happy in your new area.

Good luck, and remember you are not the only one.

BTW Christmas is for families, and you are choosing to put yours first.

Callisto · 07/11/2006 16:13

God that Xmas blackmail thing is a nightmare. Poor you, I don't think you are overreacting.

theUrbanDryad · 07/11/2006 16:15

hey - didn't want to see this and not post.

i think, what with the AND and PND you've suffered it's totally reasonable to expect a quiet christmas with as few people as possible. however, i can also see your parents point of view about wanting to see their grandchildren at christmas.

how old are the kids? not very, from what i can gather. so surely it wouldn't matter if they saw their grandparents on boxing day instead of christmas day? from what i can see from your post i think your parents are being a wee bit selfish, putting their own wants and desires first and not thinking about yours.

BUT, the deed seems to be done now, you're going there whether you like it or not (i have been railroaded into similar things with my PIL so i know how you feel) so i think the best thing you can do is grin and bear it, and make christmas plans end of august next year, so your parents have longer to get used to the idea.

hope this helps, i'm sure you'll have a nice time once you're there.

elleMNOP · 07/11/2006 16:19

Not at all. I have sworn never to put pressure on my son to spend xmas with me and his dad. I was subjected to this kind of thing by my mum and I thought it was utterly unfair. You should be free to choose what you want to do.

Are your dh's parents around, what if you told your dm that you wanted to spend xmas day with your dh's family? Would that be frowned upon?

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 07/11/2006 16:21

Thank you for you kind replies.
I can't help feeling they are being selfish too and I'm thinking that part of me is disappointed because I'm finding them not as generous as I thought they were.
All the "we might not be here nest year" malarkey really annoyed me.
And by the way, I said this to dm in September when we found dh was being relocated. Not enough notice apparently, it has to be January
I'm getting angry again just thinking this through

OP posts:

theUrbanDryad · 07/11/2006 16:23

at "we might not be here next year"!

that's atrocious. personally, for such emotional blackmail, i would've stood my ground and not gone.

hopefully, my mother is sensible enough to never use that on me, as she should know it would have the opposite effect.

for you doolittle.

fennel · 07/11/2006 16:24

{{{hugs}}}

I would just say I wasn't going and railroad DH back into staying at home. You've had the baby and the pnd, it's your turn to choose.

but I have a bad relationship with parents and in-laws so am used to avoiding family at christmas where possible.

elleMNOP · 07/11/2006 16:28

"We might not be here next year"

I used to get that one as well. Deeply unfair on you.

doggiesayswoof · 07/11/2006 16:28

I don't think you are. It's a done deal for this year, so I would try and look at the positive side - you will enjoy it when you get there as others have said. If your dm is anything like mine she will be campaigning hard for next year in case you opt out - so I would echo what others have said and let her know early next year that you are having Christmas Day 2007 as a family. Plan something with them on boxing day. Could you go to them every other year? It's hard to break the status quo but if you stand your ground you can set a new pattern.

The other thing I wondered was - could you show your mum this thread or at least an edited version of your OP? You have summed up the situation very neatly and maybe she doesn't realise exactly what your reasoning is. Sometimes close family can't see the wood for the trees.

It sounds as if you have come through a lot - hope you get to enjoy the time with your family.

doggiesayswoof · 07/11/2006 16:30

Sorry lots of x-posts - was replying to OP. 'We might not be here next year' indeed! Oh dear. I hope she's ashamed of that one.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 07/11/2006 16:30

Thank you everyone.

Looks like we are going to be going with a car full of puppies too. Our dog should be whelping in 3 weeks - Lordy!

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 07/11/2006 16:32

That's your perfect excuse - you will have to stay at home because the puppies can't be moved

NAB3 · 07/11/2006 16:32

Don't even go this year!!! Enough!

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 07/11/2006 16:34

Thanks.

I'm reluctant to do the boxing day thing. My parents live 150 miles away, it takes us 3 hours to get there. That's a large part of our problem TBH, it's such a trip to drag the children. Dh said this to dm and she said "S* just need to shown how to load up the car".(?????) Dh couldn't find an answer for that one.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 07/11/2006 16:35

Have tried the puppies one - it didn't work!

OP posts:

theUrbanDryad · 07/11/2006 16:38

argh! i'm getting angry on your behalf now! i take it YOU need to be shown how to load the effing car? well, maybe if she wasn't such a selfish {delete expletive} she'd come to you, or not be so flipping pushy!!!!!!

sorry, but your mum sounds like my mil and she winds me up no end!

luckily, by the time xmas comes round i'll be almost 9 months pg, so perfect excuse not to see the in-laws! relief!

doggiesayswoof · 07/11/2006 16:41

My dm has an answer for everything too - usually one that makes no sense and therefore is very hard to argue with! I really feel for you. Very difficult.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 07/11/2006 16:43

Thanks UrbanDryad.

That awful part of my modern life means that I have to go now to pick the chldren up from nursery.

Your posts have all helped
Thanks.

Maybe I'm not being unreasonable feeling so peeved at the whole thing.

OP posts:

Freckle · 07/11/2006 16:56

Put your foot down and say no. You have children and a dog with puppies and it is totally unreasonable to expect you to uproot yourself just because this is how things have been done in the past.

When dh and I had children, we started a "tradition", which is that we always spend Christmas Day at home by ourselves and then have a family celebration at my parents' on Boxing Day. We then invite my parents and MIL for the day on another day. That way the grandparents get to see the grandchildren (why does it have to be on Christmas Day??) and we have a manageable Christmas Day. The children are also far more appreciative of the presents as they aren't just one or two among many being opened on the day.

I would contact my mum and just say, sorry, we're not coming. Your parents could always come to you for Boxing Day. If your mum doesn't like that, you could always offer tips for loading the car .

kimi · 07/11/2006 17:12

I would call back and say that you are staying home with your DH an children this year as you want to have a quite christmas and you will not be bullied and blackmailed in to doing things you do not want too.

I think you mother is being unfair.
Good luck

Starrmum · 07/11/2006 20:01

It's awful that a time that should be about families enjoying each others' company can be so fraught with negative emotion! You have my every sympathy.

We were lucky that my parents always encouraged us to have Christmas by ourselves. The in laws weren't especially happy with that but did accept it. The only downside is that my parents live in Leeds and DH parents live near Bath, so we always had to do lots of driving.

Now things are different. My mum died just over 2 years ago, so I want to spend Christmas with my dad (and my brother and his family who live close by). The last two Christmases have been difficult but very enjoyable - strange how they can be both at the same time! This Christmas we're doing the same thing, but DH has already said that next year we'll have to go to his parents because 'they're getting older and might not be around for much longer'.

He didn't mean this as emotional blackmail, it was an honest statement - they are both 84 - but I really resent it. They have each other, after all, and my dad is all on his own and still grieving badly.

I don't know what we'll do, in all honesty, but it's a minefield trying to do what you want without offending the people you love.

I think if I were you I'd probably go along with things this year if DH has already capitulated, but would state now - not even waiting until January! - that next year you will be by yourselves. Issue formal invitations if necessary for the family to make sure that you do see them over the festive period.

Good luck and try to relax and just enjoy yourself - goodness knows you need a break after the time you've had!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/11/2006 20:14

Its funny, really. When you think about it.

If they were such a loving caring family and family should "be together", you probably would want to spend Christmas with them. The fact that they behave like this simply highlights why you wanted to stay within your own immediate family this Christmas.

Tell them this Christmas, that, since they probably wont be around next year, you will indeed be taking the opportunity to spend Christmas on your own.

Mind you, wouldnt it suck BIG TIME if your car broke down on Christmas Eve

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/11/2006 20:14

spend next Christmas on your own....

NAB3 · 07/11/2006 20:22

Starrmum

Could your dad, your inlaws and you all spend Christmas together?

Starrmum · 07/11/2006 21:01

NAB3 - it has been suggested, but they're so different I just don't think it would work.

Flip

1 2