I should be grateful but I'm just sad.....

[MrsDoolittle]

For 6 years dh and I have enjoyed Christmas at my parents house. My parents are great hosts and we always eat and drink very well, the whole family come together and we have a lovely time. We are four siblings, although I am the only one with children so far.
This year has been tough for dh and I. Ds was born in February and ante-natal depression became post-natal depression, I found ds very difficult for his first 4 months and I came very close to walking out on dh. Both of us were facing redundancy over the summer.
This September I returned to work full-time, the children are full-time at nursery and dh's job has been relocated into central London impacting greatly on our lives as they were.
I'm not moaning but we have found it tough this year. For the first time we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the children are settled and as we moved at the edn of last year we have found ourselves to be living in a place we really enjoy. Dh and I decided we wanted to celebrate Christmas together, the four of us and join in with the community around us - a kind of celebration that we have made it this year and we desperately need the break.
However, this was greeted with horror from my family. We were depriving grandparents of their grandchildren at Christmas. Although I invited them to join us and said that they could have the children any time, neither were considered. I was prepared to stand my ground but dh didn't want to be blamed and he phoned dm and capitulated.
I am sad. I really feel that we have been rail-roaded into this with vast sums of black-mail. I feel disappointed that my family refused to see that what I felt was important for my little family was right.
I think the icing on the cake was when dm phoned me next day after speaking to dh asking for an explanation of why we had changed our minds. Then proceeded to tell me I was worng for wanting to spend the Christmas on our own because Christmas was for families.
I really feel quite sad that something that has always been so special in our year has turned so sour for me.
Am I blowing this all out of proportion by letting this bug me so much?

Isn't giving it a try better than you being upset and worrying about your dad being on his own?

MIL has campaigned for the last 4 years (since me and dh moved in together)for us to go to theirs for Christmas, saying it would be "sad", "lonely" etc as just the two of us. We stuck to our guns and always said that we'd do our own Christmas dinner in our own home, even though it worked out worse for us in the long run because we spent the day like blue-arsed flies travelling to parents and nipping home in between to hastily cook and eat our dinner etc. We even did it last year with dd to keep them all happy.

She even kept pressing me to see if I was going to my parents, saying how she wouldn't mind as long as I told her the truth! Firstly it's none of her bl**dy business and secondly, she was calling me a sneaky liar!

This year (MIL doesn't know yet) we're going to my parents. My father died in January and it will be mother's first ever Christmas alone, she's in her 70s and I can't do that to her. She won't leave her dog and come to us so she asked if we'd mind going to her, which of course, we don't. MIL won't see it like that and will badger the hell out of us to go to her on Boxing Day, but we're having our belated family Christmas meal etc on boxing day. can't wait to tell her. Am so mean

My long rant over, I just wanted to say, stick to your guns, and hae the Christmas you want. Emotional blackmail is a horrid thing and yes it may cause a bit of turmoil, but ride it out. You deserve something to go your way this year hun. xxx

I have made a point since we had the children of saying if you want to spend christmas with us then thats fine BUT you come to us.
I love being with family at christmas time but im not going to drag my children here and there to suit everyone else, they will have to suit me.
Also ILS always had to go to SIL at christmas or she threw a MASSIVE strop, but they would always have been welcome to come to us as much as my own family are.
DH1 will be spending christmas with me, our children, my mother, sister and new partner this year, NPs parents were also invited to come but live at the other end of the country and will have NPs sister home for christmas (who would also have been welcome to come), they did ask if we were going there as NP had always gone home for christmas, and were very good about it when he said no we were staying home.
I would never take my children all the way to cornwall for christmas away from their dad and other famiy so it will remain the same, you want to see us at christmas then you come to us...end of!!

I would stand your grounds and insist on staying put. Just tell them that you're really sorry, but don't feel up to it after everything that has happened this year. Re: the emotional level of "it might be the last Christmas", say that they are (hopefully) in good health and you don't think that's likely, but you can't live your life on the basis of worst case scenarios otherwise you wouldn't do anything at all.

Bibiboo - if your MIL doesn't understand you will want to be with your own mother after such a recent bereavement then frankly she's not worth bothering about. Surely she must realise that you ought to be with her?

It's hard for every family. Now you've (your husband) has given in just try not to talk about it or think about it.
For 20+ years we took all the children North to see both families. Never once would they come down here, nor did I suggest it but it was a huge effort year after year, small children, in old cars, fear of break downs presents to take up. I'm not sure I would do that again now or may be I would. Now they're dying off I suppose I realise why it was good we went when we did. I haven't even sorted out this year yet because of problems with my father. And I wonder how long before my older children won't want to see me at all at Christmas because I'll be the dull grandparent with the elderly interests... eek.
What we sometimes did was go up right after Christmas. My ex always had to work on Christmas eve and Christmas day anyway so we'd go to the relatives by driving for 4 hours on X day - not that much fun but very accommodating of me.