What to look for in a man you've just started dating

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Can I get any input on this to help me work out what I want at the very start of dating. I'm not talking about analysing the man for the deeper qualities and compatibility, I am talking about initial behavior in the first 5 - 6 dates that make that person worth bothering with in the first place.

My list so far as I am thinking is...

1. I want someone who woos me, who makes it clear they really like me.

1. I want someone who makes an effort to spend time with me and get to know me, asking questions about me as a person, showing interest in my life.

1. I want regular and consistent contact. Someone who phones me up to hear my voice or sends me texts just because he likes chatting to me.

1. I want someone who makes plans with me, doesn't say "we will have a date "soon" and leaves me hanging.

1. I want someone who talks to me openly about what’s going on and doesn't make me sit there wondering where I stand.

1. I want someone who is consistent and straight forward who's actions match their words.

Can anyone advise if this list sounds about right...if I am too over the top, expecting too much from a first few dates or if I am missing off anything important?

No, no, I don't like him because he's a headfuck, he only showed it once I already liked him and it's hard to stop now.

Come on love - if you already identified him as a headfuck after ONE date, then bin him off.
The list is a good way of setting out your thoughts, but you shouldn't even have to refer to your list about this one.
You say you don't have a gut instinct to rely on - you do. This one's an arse, you know it!

Britney I have followed your story on the dating thread (is it Mr AWOL you are speaking of?)

I think its time to let him go lovely

Yeah I agree that if someone like Headfuck Man is messing you around at the dating stage then there's not much hope of a decent relationship with them really.

Nobody owes anyone anything at the dating stage, so no point getting emotionally involved if you can help it.

Yes According. I'm just trying to get a very clear pic in my head of what I expect / want so I can lay it down and not accept less if that makes sense. Rather than just being charmed as usual.

Can we really put him specifically aside though, because the point is really for me to get these boundaries and expectations clear so I don't end up sucked in with another MrAwol. He really should have been binned months ago!

If any of your prospective dates even gets a hint that you have a "checklist" they'll run a mile -guaranteed. They'll be thinking "Christ, if she's doing up lists for me at the dating stage what will she be like if we become serious".

That guy sounds like a prick. He doesn't like you much, or respect you. Move on. Now.

No it's for me, so I know when to bin.

OP you need to be more honest with yourself. If someone proves to be a jerk you need to bin them, not make excuses for them. You're already accepting 'headfuck behaviour' if you see this bloke again, which should not be on your list. Therefore don't see him. That is called setting boundaries.

"2. I want someone who makes an effort to spend time with me and get to know me, asking questions about me as a person, showing interest in my life."

From your list Britney, this is the one I'd be more likely to concentrate on to start off with when dating. Just look for men that seem genuinely interested in you and at least in wanting to find a relationship.

Anyone can woo/charm/flatter somebody (to get something) and it can be a bit false and shallow.

I think if you can find a man that basically follows number 2 on your list then the chances are the rest of your list will fall into place if he is serious.

thats a very, very good point! I suppose it all boils down to that

Ok i have very little experience of dating, married at 22 now 43.
So this is all from reading threads and other people, BUT the guys who seem great at the start all attentive, wanting to spend ages with you, constantly texting all seem to turn into controlling jealous dicks.

Hello B

I read that how a man behaves on a first date is how the relationship will continue if you stay together

So if he gets drunk & you have to carry him home, he will probably have a tendency towards alcohol etc

So a good story would reflect goodness too

A famous American agony aunt said that the fatal flaw with online dating was that you could not smell the man (must be something to do with hormones)

Good luck

I think rather than having a list, you should focus on tuning your judgement or 'good guy' radar. I think that if you have a history of bad choices in dating, then it probably reflects something deeper in yourself.

She I was younger, I had a long string of dating women that things just didn't work out with. I got strung along, dated some real train wrecks, got attached to people who weren't right for me, etc. I blamed women at the time, and thought that all the decent ones were taken! Then I just decided to be single for a couple of years, and soon realised that I had some flaws in my personality, wasn't very secure and had some self esteem issues.

I worked on those things for a while, and became happy with who I was and honestly didn't feel I 'needed' a girlfriend in the way I used to feel that. From then on, I only had good dating experiences because I could automatically detect the good and decent women and I only bothered pursuing dating/relationships with ones who good people.

I don't mean to be patronising, but I think you should consider what it is that makes you attracted still to a man who is not very nice, and why you are not attracted to those who are nice (if it's just because they don't rock your boat, then that's fine too).

Typing on my phone. That should read "WHEN I was younger"

Brit

You are determined to see this guy Mr AWOL. This is about the fifth time if not more you've said' I am done he's a dick' till he contacts you again, the same cycle starts again.

I recall when you said he lied about being in the UK you said. I am not contacting him. What did you do? You contacted him.

His playing you there is no doubt.....its becoming obvious you like the attention you seem to thrive on the drama too.
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I do wonder why you won't let this go its as if you have some internal need to continue with this-Id start to look at what you are getting out of this?

I think you may be looking for men to validate you in some way. Your idea of how healthy relationships are formed seems really off.

I did say this wasn't about him, it's about avoiding getting involved with someone like that again, as I said picking through the prospects I have and making sure I choose with better glasses on.

He was really mentioned as case and point of why I need to have this list in my head whatforsupper. the list is not naturally there because he doesn't really do any of those thing on the "list" and for whatever reason i completely didn't really acknowledge or notice, so this is about me learning to repeat to myself what my expectations are and sticking to it. It's not about him...he is a symptom of my boundaries being off, so I am trying to work out what those are and make sure they are not too strict and not too lax either.

Some of those things you mentioned are great except they can also be behaviors of controlling and emotionally abusive men. They will try to lock things down early and make you feel so desired and loved just to ensnare you. This has happened to me. Could also be from a really lovely guy (like my husband who is not controlling at all and also wanted to have a serious relationship early).

I think mademan rally simplified it for me and answered it well. All the rest can grow, but if there's not that consistent feeling of interest from the other person I can see that's the end right there.

Be careful of people who fall for you early. Any sign of even vague dishonesty - then bin. Ask lots and lots of questions, especially about friends etc. Obviously there has to be big physical attraction too.

First 5-6 dates

• make sure you yourself are in a good place. don't mean you have to be 100% sorted and perfect all of the time, but so that you aren't thinking ohmigod my friends/family are pressuring me to settle down or not really happy deep down with your appearance and social life and need a rescuer. So you know you could leave all your dates and be happy enough without them.

• not sure about the "woo" bit - if you're compatible with someone and really like them just "drinks and low key stuff" should be fine? For me, basics like "checking you get home safely" punctuality, reliability etc are more important than a glam day out planned to the nth degree.

-When I think good partner material men I know, they tend to make their partner's lives easier on a day to day basis, not grand gestures.

• You shouldn't be thinking about them too much or making this or that excuse to "justify" or analyse or discuss anything about him: a working relationship is not like SATC.

Someone said in good relationships, two people disappear for six months from their friends lives as they are busy doing stuff and reappear as a couple six months later (twenty pounds heavier from eating well!)

• Family and friends and "joint life" are important so watch them. In-law issues can kill a relationship. Make sure he knows how to set boundaries with them. Someone who is kind and caring is important, but someone who doesn't know how to set boundaries with family/other people is a nightmare to live with. Make sure there isn't any ex drama (or drama in general).

• Is he socially comfortable and easy going? Little things like "only eats X" or feels uncomfortable in places he perceives as "posh" tend to niggle after a while.

I have to say that by far the majority of single men will play up in the beginning with communication and will be inconsistent for at least say 6 months.

I am not tolerant these days and can't put up with that as I have been single for 10 years since ds was born. I can easily get a man but it is generally me that finishes with them. So it is rarely that a man is found that pleases me enough to go out with them as I work out from the off what the pitfalls might be.

It is good to have a list though!

Meanwhile I am considering having a friend with benefits plus dating alongside it to avoid waiting and wondering when they will call/chase you etc. as most men are crap at that. I do not feel wooed or lured in when they ignore me like that. That way I have no need for any contact in between screws and dates as we can plan ahead when we are next going to meet so I am at least half secure in it then ....

Men hurrumph!

Veteran online dater here, currently 2 months into dating someone who has all the makings of a keeper.

Looking at the list- agree with others I'm not really down with the "wooing" if you mean flash dates/tonnes of compliments/flowers etc, in fact that would make me uncomfortable to be honest- that kind of behaviour always seems insincere to me- these men have just met me, I can't possibly be "the most woman they've ever met" because they don't bloody know me yet! However, your point about them making it clear they like you- I feel this comes from point 2- I think that someone likes me if they listen, and remember things I've said. The rest of your points 3-6 for me really come under the heading "not leaving me guessing (for too long anyway)". They want to communicate with me between dates just because; they want to make the next date; they don't play games, basically.

I think a lot of this (feeling like I'm being left guessing) comes down to my self esteem though- so might be the same for you. After a few weeks of dating my current/new bf, I was saying goodbye to him one morning and we didn't have another date planned (i had subtly hinted, asked what he was up to the coming week etc) I was quite anxious about this and had to work hard to hide that and stay cool! He said goodbye and "see you soon" and I was left feeling, well, that's that then. Never going to see him again. I went out with a friend that afternoon to the pub and was basically already drowning my sorrows when he texted to make plans for a few days later! It was all completely my insecurity.

My list would be something like

• appears to be honest and straightforward
• I've had fun on the dates
• I fancy them/sexual chemistry is there
• I find them interesting as a person intellectually/emotionally
• I haven't been left guessing (for too long- allowing for my own high level of paranoia!)
• no red flags so far