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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need perspective, AIBU or is DH a prick?

55 replies

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 14:45

DH is in a relatively new job, works very long hours (14 a day in average), comes home at 10:30-11pm. He expects me to greet him with joy, offer a cooked dinner and keep him company, chat about his day etc.
He also expects to have a choice of impeccably ironed shirts every morning. This morning he was in a major huff as he says the only one he could wear - a stripy shirt - is not smart enough for the important meeting he has to go to. There were two other ironed shirts but apparently they were too tight, and I should have known that.
I am currently unemployed, looking for a job, and I feel like he is expecting me to wait on him and fulfill his every need because I'm at home. It's not the work I should do that bothers me, it's the attitude...
AIBU? Does he really get to have no responsibility for anything at all at home, because he works long hours? (Which he really enjoys btw)

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 05/05/2015 15:38

How long is he expecting these crazy hours to continue? did he realise he'd be expected to put in these sort of hours, and if so, did you discuss it as a family before he started doing it?

I don't think it's unreasonable for the stay at home parent to pick up some of the slack if the other partner is earning hard and working long hours to achieve a goal (career path, buying a house, getting kids to uni, etc) - but it should be discussed in advance, with some kind of time line, so that all parties are in agreement.

He can't just take a job with shit hours and then expect you to pick everything else up for him. That's a very entitled attitude.

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 15:38

Doris you're right, he is projecting a lot of his stress on me.

Job hunting is not going well and that is knowing my confidence too.

I guess it's a combination of things, not being able to find a job and being told I'm not the good supportive wife I should be

OP posts:

Joysmum · 05/05/2015 15:42

Moonatic has it in a nutshell.

No way on earth you're matching 14 hours a day as as SAHM and looking for work.

If he's working excessive hours due to choice, that's a whole other debate and one I've gone/going through with my DH.

Kerberos · 05/05/2015 15:43

I don't think he's being a prick.

But I do think the two of you need to talk more. Seems like there are wider issues at hand.

Jackw · 05/05/2015 15:50

Here is my suggestion. Tell him that you are happy to help him (emphasise help him) by doing the ironing and cooking the dinner. However, if he ever criticises the way you do it or anything else again you will stop immediately. And as for the staying up late to mop his brow like some sort of Stepford Wife, he can forget it.

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 15:55

But I DO cook and iron for him, people!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 15:56

I am pretty sure he doesn't HAVE to stay at the office 14 hours or more.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 16:03

Anyway, no point in getting defensive. I can see it's not a clear cut.
I guess I need to make more of an effort as we both knew this will be hard.
And yes we do need to talk more, thanks to the lovely posters who suggested that

OP posts:

BuggersMuddle · 05/05/2015 16:08

The attitude does sound like far more of an issue than the actual chores.

Making his dinner is a reasonable request given you have the time, but surely plated to re-heat / in the slow-cooker / ready to go in the oven is fine at that hour of the day.

I'd also be interested in how much of that 14 hrs is through choice and the benefit of doing it. (Massive overtime payments? Genuine chance of career advancement within a tangible time period?).

Is he doing anything to help your job hunting (even sounding out options, reviewing your CV if appropriate).

I used to travel a lot for work and get home at strange hours. A meal I could heat myself, a decent chilled ready meal or rustling up a light supper (think cheese on toast) was always appreciated. Full scale cooking at 11pm and listening to me yammering on about people DP doesn't know would have been above and beyond IMO

BitOutOfPractice · 05/05/2015 16:08

Hi OP - you sound a bit ground down

I think it's his expectations and attitudes that are pissing you off (quite rightly) not the ironing and cooking per se.

If he's said "Oh bugger - these shrts are too small for me, I should have mentioned it to you. Thanks for doing them anyway, I do appreciate it!" that would have been a whole different ball game wouldn't it?

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 16:11

Yes, Bit. Exactly.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 05/05/2015 16:19

My DH works long hours while I'm at home. We do not have children. He irons his own shirts sometimes. He wouldn't dream of 'demanding' anything of me - dinner or anything else.

I entirely disagree with the PP who says that being a SAHM is easier than working. It is absolutely not. I have worked very long hours in a high powered job, and it is MUCH easier than looking after two children under five for a day.

scallopsrgreat · 05/05/2015 16:22

He's acting like your boss. He isn't your boss, he's your partner. So of course he is acting like a prick. Who the hell does he think he is demanding meals on tables and shirts ironed? Asking is one thing, berating you for not doing it according to his definitions and not appreciating or even acknowledging what you do (because he is doing fuck all childcare by the sounds of things too), is something quite different. That level of expectation is breathtakingly arrogant.

And I think you are right, I suspect he doesn't need to be at the office 14 hrs a day.

scallopsrgreat · 05/05/2015 16:23

What would he say if you told him to fuck off with his demands?

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 16:46

Funny you should say that scallops, he used to be my boss, that's how we met.... I guess old habits die hard!

But really, he isn't such a bad guy, I don't think I'll tell him to fuck off just yet

I will talk to him.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 05/05/2015 17:06

I've been through the too many hours issue with DH in the past year.

Funnily enough, he's working from home today as that's a change he's made to make better use of his time. Things could not have continued as they were.

scallopsrgreat · 05/05/2015 17:12

Sorry BrainSurgeon - I didn't mean necessarily literally telling him to fuck off, more "What did your last slave die of?" or "No!" (being a complete sentence and all ). I just wanted to see what you thought his reaction would be to having his perceived authority challenged directly and uncompromisingly.

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 17:15

I'll give it a go and tell you all about it scallops

.... and seriously, I appreciate the advice x

OP posts:

Skiptonlass · 05/05/2015 17:26

I've seen this quite a few times with friends who have been the "trailing spouse" and followed their other halves for a job. I myself moved abroad to marry my hubby. It's not easy.

Three scenarios here, let's assume it's the wife who is trailing spouse (can be either of course.)

Wife follows Dh who has fancy new job abroad. Dh gets expat package which usually includes cash for, or an actual maid/home help. Wife becomes lady who lunches. This either works beautifully or wife goes off her head with boredom. Your mileage may vary.

Wife follows Dh as above, DHs company run a package where they help the wife find a job and integrate. This almost always works beautifully. Best option all round.

Wife follows Dh as above. Wife doesn't integrate because she's a sahm, has no support network, has had no support from Dh it his company to find a job, ends up as effectively a paid skivvy to Dh. wife is isolated and miserable.

I've moved abroad myself and it's hard enough with a job and an involved husband who irons his own shirts. I agree that the stay at home partner should do the bulk of the housework, but there's a deeper issue here.

You need to integrate, learn the language and find a job. That's very easy to say, but I know it's an absolute sod to do, so I feel for you. You won't be happy until you feel like an equal. If your Dh is earning mega bucks (or even a decent wage) and you e given up your job to move countries, you need him to pay for childcare and domestic help. You need to find a job. And you need him to acknowledge your role as the domestic partner as equal value work. Good luck, not easy to fix :/

MmeLindor · 05/05/2015 17:27

I do think there is a thing with some companies - an expectation that to 'get on', you have to be in the office for 14 - 16 hours. It's crap, but this thinking exists.

I've been there and done that with the putting my life on hold, and I know it isn't easy. What got me through was finding other things to do while I couldn't work, and building up an extensive online network of friends and supporters. Which led to a whole new career. Go figure!

And btw, I'd been procrastinating about ironing earlier, and your thread gave me a shove, so thanks for making me do that, or it would be me having the "Oh FFS, haven't you ironed my shirts for tomorrow yet", discussion later!

Skiptonlass · 05/05/2015 17:27

I make myself sound like a mail order bride... :) I met him in the UK and moved over to his country when I found a job! I like it here, but it's not always easy

Variousrandomthings · 05/05/2015 18:02

Great, cook for him because you're cooking anyway but he should iron his own shirts. He can always come home earlier and iron his shirts or do it at the weekend. I run my household but ironing/folding DH's stuff is his department. I'd be doing everything otherwise.

Can you tell him you're going to bed at 10pm and if he wants to spend time together, he needs to come home much earlier.

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 18:04

Thanks ladies, good to hear from people who know what it's like...

I guess theoretically I'm in category 2 skipt, but it's taking bloody ages to get a job and I'm not patient, nor good at being at home...

DH is doing his best to impress the new boss & team, hence the silly hours. He is putting himself (and me) under unnecessary stress in my view but he won't listen to me.

OP posts:

Variousrandomthings · 05/05/2015 18:04

Can you do some voluntary work for a bit?

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 05/05/2015 18:05

You're welcome Mme, glad to be of service, enjoy the ironing...

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