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Original poster

What to do about bullying adult child of DP

53 replies

bagface · 05/05/2015 11:20

My dp was absent for many years of his son's upbringing due to his own problems but for the last 10 years has been present and involved in the lives of all his children. His eldest son (lets call him Peter) is 26 years old and lives with his father, his grandmother (80 suffering from early dementia) and his half sister (19).

In the two years I have been with my partner (I live in my own house and my dp stays with me much of the time) the family have been through hard times with the death by suicide of dp's other daughter (23) (sister of Peter) a year ago leaving two dgcs with no mother. Peter refused to attend the funeral.

DPs son is bullying his grandmother and father and anyone who comes into contact with him. For years he did not work, he stayed in his room playing computer games and drawing dole and when that stopped because he was forced into a work or no dole scheme he suddenly got a job- working nights in a warehouse 24 miles away for which he demands lifts (his f has no car, he borrows mine).

He comes in from work and goes to bed and when he gets up he wanders around the house declaring it to be filthy and disgusting, he does no cleaning or tidying and finds excuses not to pay his dad the £20 per week he asks for towards bills. He swears at his father and calls him a freak and demands that his dad goes out to buy food or cigarettes for him and his father goes and shops for him. Peter will not go to shops or on buses or leave the house except for work. He wont have a bank account because he lost his passport and wont pay for a new one so he uses an account of his father's. He refuses to come down for meals insisting that they are brought to him in his room and rarely sees anyone outside but sometimes will go out with friends and when he does he gets so drunk that he ends up in fights and with losses of memory.

The family are at a loss to know what to do. Peter will not talk about anything so suggesting to sit and discuss anything will result in a rant, swearing and him retreating to his room. His dad is scared that he will also kill himself if he tries any kind of tough love. I keep my mouth shut but I can see how unpleasant it all is and when my partner and I discuss it we are at a loss to know what to do.

I think there is a personality disorder present in the son but how does this type of thing get diagnosed or helped if the person with the problem does not think they have a problem and everyone is so scared of him that they continue to allow him to rule the household. How can mental health services be sorted for someone in a situation like this? I am not sure if this should be in mental health or here but I know its affecting my relationship with dp who is struggling with what to do for his mother and daughter as well as his son.

OP posts:

despomum41 · 05/05/2015 11:39

unfortunately there isnt much you can do your partner needs to get his head out of the sand and step up as a father to Peter and as a child ( to his parents) they need to kick him out he sounds disrespectful and vile and making what should be the grandparents quiet time of their lives a misery. Grief or no grief its unacceptable because if he is not careful his parents will God forbide endup loosing them

despomum41 · 05/05/2015 11:41

sounds like he has got everyone where he wants using grief as an excuse needs kicking out if he refuses call the police

Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 11:51

Peter has never mentioned grief nor the death of his sister. He simply will not talk about anything grown up. He seems stuck in child and an angry child at that.

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Reginafalangie · 05/05/2015 11:55

Your DP needs to ask him to leave. He is an adult with a job and needs to fend for himself. There is only your DP who can make this happen.

WhoNickedMyName · 05/05/2015 12:05

so your partner was absent for a large portion of his life and then stepped up when Peter was 16.

Sounds like Peter is still an angry 16 year old (with good reason), has your partner ever sought any kind of counselling or family therapy for himself and his son?

BarbarianMum · 05/05/2015 12:06

That seems about right to me - he sounds deeply troubled and very isolated. Sadly, like with an angry child tough love is the answer to this - his dad needs to call him up on his behaviour and try and get to the bottom of what is bothering him, because something is. I can see why your dp is reluctant - but suicide seems amore likely option if things contunue in this vein.

Where is his mother? It seems strange that he lives with your dp, despite him having been absent from his life for so long.

Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 12:12

Yes, I agree, but I don't think DP will ever do that, his daughter said this to him yesterday but dp thinks that being there and being a rock that will not be budged by bad behaviour will win through.

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Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 12:16

Mother is a very scary woman. She will do anything to try to hurt or win something from others at their cost. Really dangerous person who we stay well away from.

Therapy for both son and dp is a good suggestion, I will gently suggest this to dp, although how he would persuade Peter to go I am not sure.

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BarbarianMum · 05/05/2015 12:19

If by 'being a rock' he means that he will always be there for his son, then yes, I agree. But his son's behaviour is showing him that this is not enough - he needs his dad to love him enough to help him develop into a fully functioning (and hopefully likeable) adult. You can love someone unconditionally without accepting abuse from them - it's called parenting.

BarbarianMum · 05/05/2015 12:21

poor lad. Not that that excuses his behaviour but you can see where it has come from - which suggests that it could change but it does sound like he'd need external help.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 05/05/2015 12:23

I agree with the above posters.

Maybe you talk to your DP about the duty of care he has for his own mother. That for the sake of rolling over for a quiet life (as that's what he is doing) he is allowing every one to be miserable including his son.

If his son was a child would he allow him to behave like this? Probally not. So why is he letting him act out of control now? Your dp is doing no one any favours and it really starts with dp looking at his own motives before it will get sorted .

Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 12:27

These comments are all so helpful as a starter for me to have conversations with dp about what this is doing to his mother and about parenting an adult child. Thanks so much.

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Isetan · 05/05/2015 12:45

I'm glad your DP stepped up but showing up doesn't erase the impact of his absence, especially if the parent he was left with wasn't nice. Your DP's son needs professional support and your DP should be proactively trying to encourage this, rather than burying his head in the sand and hiding out at yours.

Miggsie · 05/05/2015 12:50

You can't undo years of absence by just being near someone.
Takes way way more than that.

Sounds like the son has real anger problems - these only go away if the person has sympathetic therapy and understands why they act that way.
Father and son communication is a real problem as men are not encouraged or taught to think about or deal with feelings. This will be adding to the issues. Things will not magically get better without some form of intervention - therapy together and apart.
The key thing is to help the son stop felling so bad - his behaviour shows he is deeply unhappy. This sort of issue doesn't just go away - if anything the behaviour and lack of communication will get worse.

JaceyBee · 05/05/2015 13:48

Nothing you've written indicates Peter wants to make changes and why would he? He's got everyone dancing to his tune. Mental health services won't get involved unless he has a severe mental health issue that is impacting on how functioning, and he doesn't seem to at all. His dad can only change what he puts up with from him. Right now it sounds as though he is doing pretty much everything wrong and rewarding the behaviour by pandering to him.

MakeItACider · 05/05/2015 14:29

So until the age of 16, 'Peter' was living at home with a very scary woman and had no contact at all with his father.

I would say Peter has suffered VERY serious psychological damage. He really needs therapy. Your DP has to face the fact though, that there is only a limit to what he can do. By leaving his son with such an awful woman, the damage has already been done.

Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 15:50

Its too late to change the first 16 years we know that. Peter does not want to change- he will not face anything that suggests that he might need to change. He does need therapy but how to get him to therapy is the question. The damage is indeed done but dp cannot abandon him again.

I also think the current strategy of putting up with it all is rewarding and making things worse not better but Dp needs help with simple things like how to confront when son verbally attacks him or dgm. Would counselling for dp address this sort of stuff? I suppose it might?

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BarbarianMum · 05/05/2015 16:08

"Peter does not want to change"

With respect, I'm sure he'd like to be less angry and unhappy, but maybe he can't see a way to do that. He may be afraid of opening up to someone -and with good reason, counselling can open up many a can of worms and be very traumatic. 'Wanting to change' is a very loaded phrase that implies that "he" is the problem - which is at least partly true of course but hard to admit -he probably blames the world his parents for treating him badly.

I think counselling for your dp would be a good first step if 'Peter' won't engage. This is not a situation with an easy resolution, it may go on for years (unless he walks away again) and he needs to work out some boundaries and hopefully even positive strategies for dealing with it.

WhoNickedMyName · 05/05/2015 16:56

sounds like your DP needs to take a parenting course, because let's face it, he didn't do any real parenting, (he's still not) and then have some counselling.

your DP gets some kind of payoff or gives himself some kind of 'pat on the back' for accepting and facilitating Peter's behaviour and still 'being there'... maybe he thinks it makes up for all the years he wasn't there, but in actual fact he's being as useless now as he was when he abandoned Peter.

your DP needs to sort himself out first before he can help his son.

in the very short term some firm boundaries need to be put in place immediately and if that means Peter goes to stay somewhere else due to his behaviour, then so be it.

Lurgano · 05/05/2015 17:36

Your DP sounds like he is presenting himself as both the victim and the martyr. He abdicated responsibility and abandoned his son for 10 critical years in his childhood - he is continuing to do exactly the same now.

Your DP needs to man up and take responsibility and control - to both protect the rest of his family and effectively support his son to become a man. He is avoiding everything by being at yours and then pandering to his anger.
Your DP will need professional support to do this. The son will not engage or change initially - the only person who can change is your DP. He should look to encourage him to moe out of the house into a more appropriate environment.

Has he had a GF?

This can be sorted - but your DP needs to finally get a grip

Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 17:39

Gulp! Whonicked, you are probably right. That is going to be hard to talk with him about. Where do I start? Because somebody needs to tell him and I am the one who can see it from the outside.

Am I opening a can of worms here? I am very nervous that this could mean big problems for everyone. I dont really care about me, I can cope, but the family might prefer me to butt out and not start something that they cant put the lid on. But if I don't then I am allowing it all to continue and his mum and daughter to have to live in fear of Peter's temper and vile behaviour.

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Clarella · 05/05/2015 17:45

Have you asked peter if he is happy?

It sounds stressful for you but I can see he's struggling too.

Perhaps an approach which gives him choices (both of which you would like) would help. Eg (extreme but) look for his own flat or go to counselling. Though there could be less dramatic options to weigh against the option of counselling.

Choices will help him feel more in control if you start to suggest changes.

Original poster

bagface · 05/05/2015 17:45

Lurgano Peter does not have a gf, he has had a few casual flings but never more than a couple of dates before he abandons them (yes, I know...)

DP was in AA for years, he might get a grip there but doesnt go any longer (10 years dry) maybe this might be something he can start to look at with AA members as it is a direct consequence of his past drinking behaviour that this has happened. I can suggest this.

And I need to get a grip and send him home instead of sympathising and telling him how hard it must all be. Oh dear.

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Clarella · 05/05/2015 18:12

I almost can't help wondering if he may have elements of autism. Or has withdrawn from social interaction in order to cope.

If so I wonder if writing things down for him might help.

Eg. Peter, we are worried about you. We feel how you live is not how other 26 year olds live and we feel you are unhappy. We would like to help you.

This is from the premise that there's no behaviour without a reason, and a happy person will thrive.

Anomaly · 05/05/2015 21:47

Please try. I feel so sorry for the daughter it is horrible living with an angry volatile person. My brother is similar and we now have almost no relationship and I will avoid him if I can. I feel my parents seriously let me down by letting him behave however he wanted and failed in their job as parents to protect me.

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