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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be so unhappy with my life

26 replies

pancakes24 · 04/05/2015 20:58

AIBU to be feeling so unhappy with my life when people think I should be so happy?

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and also have a ds who is 2. I love my ds more than I could ever say but ds and the new baby are the only things that make me happy these days.

Ive just been feeling so incredibly tired and unhappy these last few months and it's built up to a point where I just want to just go away with my ds. It seems I'm most unhappy with my dh, his dog and money worries.

Since my military dh got back from Afghan a few years ago I've noticed a change in him. Constantly in a bad mood, over reacting to every little thing, shouting, name calling towards me (yesterday I was a fucking cunt) etc but it's took a few years to get to a point where I just can't live with him anymore. I feel like I hate him.

I got pregnant as soon as he returned from being away. We both had the same jobs but jointly decided I should leave to bring up ds. I now feel trapped and dependant on dh for money which during arguments, he never fails to remind me that it's 'his money' that he earns. He's even taken to saying the car we jointly paid for is his.

We are going through a period of money troubles at the moment. My 31 week pregnant body needs bigger bras and I've outgrown my maternity jeans but I am scrimping and holding out to put food on the table and treat my ds but dh is still happy to buy cigarettes and alcohol when he sees friends. He's just gone away for his job for a week and spent £100 on alcohol and 2 meals out.

Dh also owns a dog who he got early in the relationship. I was fine with the dog but ever since ds was born I have hated him (IABU I know). I can't stand the fur he moults which inevitably ends up in our food, my ds mouth etc. My dh doesn't walk him everyday, doesn't pick up his poo everyday, shouts at the dog, barely strokes him. My husband regularly goes away so it's me left looking after him. Even when dh is here, its me mopping and hovering. I just can't stand the dog and the dirt which I'm fed up of cleaning up after when it's not my dog!

I feel I've given up everything and never even got the smallest of thanks. My job, pension, a good salary, ability to travel the world for my job, my friends etc. My dh has it all now while I sit inside my house and go as far as baby groups.

It may not seem much to be unhappy about and i think maybe prenatal depression may be creeping in but every day, I just dream about packing a bag and finding somewhere to rent and knowing it will be easier just me and my two kids. No dh and no dog.

OP posts:

hidingfromthem · 04/05/2015 21:16

you're in an abusive relationship.
you need someone to help you.
is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

stargirl1701 · 04/05/2015 21:21

Maybe ask MNHQ to move your post into Relationships, OP?

hidingfromthem · 04/05/2015 21:23

she may be posting here for traffic.

JuanPotatoTwo · 04/05/2015 21:23

Oh pancakes, that sounds like an awful situation to be in. Your dh sounds like an arse of the highest order, no way would I be living with any one who called me that. You have an awful lot on your plate at the moment. If I was you I would visit my gp/speak to health visitor to investigate possibility of antenatal depression. I would then spend the time between now and having the new baby formulating plans for leaving dh. Speak to women's aid, they can give you practical advice on how to start going about this. Also, try posting in Relationships - there are so many knowledgeable posters over there who can guide you through this.

Azulejo9 · 04/05/2015 21:25

No it's not U to be unhappy with your life, that sounds very tough what you're going through. The part About H spending £100 on a night out when you cannot afford clothes / maternity bras is not on.
Have you tried talking to him?

Charis1 · 04/05/2015 21:25

this is abusive. No one would be happy in these circumstances.
Is there any support available through the armed services?

LineRunner · 04/05/2015 21:26

You can leave. You have that possibility. Hold on to that.

Your partner separately can access the counselling for himself that he clearly needs. But you don't have to be with him while he does that.

I agree it might be helpful to have this moved to the Relationships Board.

Azulejo9 · 04/05/2015 21:27

Get rid of him and the dog, life will be so much easier.

BotoxBitch · 04/05/2015 21:29

I think you should leave, which of course will not be easy in your situation but call women's aid and they will give you advice. Financially you will be sound. It's the easy option to stay for you and your babies sake don't, don't let them grow up in that atmosphere letting them think the way he treats you is normal x

olgaga · 04/05/2015 21:31

Definitely report yoyr own post and havevthe thread moved to Relationships.

Please don't despair, there ishope & help out there. Do you have family who can help you?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 04/05/2015 21:33

I agree that you should leave, at least whilst he gets counselling.

Is there any chance that he came back from Afghan with a form of PTSD? Was he fine before he served there?

Poor you, OP. I hope things improve soon for you.

Rudawakening · 04/05/2015 21:36

Could it be that your DH could have PTSD from serving abroad?

It sounds rough for you but if this change was after afghan it's a real possibility. Would he talk to someone about it?

Jackieharris · 04/05/2015 21:38

You're in an abusive relationship.

Contact women's aid so you can talk through things with a professional.

You sound like you may also have antenatal depression, which isn't surprising given the stress you're under! Tell your midwife how you're feeling.

Starface · 04/05/2015 21:40

What I am about to say is not an excuse for abusive behaviour, nor is it a response to all the issues you have mentioned. PPs have mentioned other things e.g. health visitor/gp if you are concerned about depression in yourself.

However, I notice you mention your partner has changed since active service (sorry not sure if thats correct terminology). A lot of the behaviour you mention is common in those who have PTSD. Has your partner been recently assessed? It might take him a lot to acknowledge this possibility and get help, but there are military specific ptsd programs that may be of help. Names I have heard are Combat Stress and the Warrior Program. This is not intended to encourage you to stay if you want to leave, but is something else to explore in tackling your family's difficulties.

MTWTFSS · 04/05/2015 21:42

Even if things look hopeless, this is most certainly not the end and you will get through this!

LineRunner · 04/05/2015 21:43

SSAFA can help you both, I think. But you can leave whilst your partner accesses his own help. It just all sounds horrible.

Original poster

pancakes24 · 04/05/2015 21:46

He was perfect before he left for Afghan and then a stranger came back in his place.

I feel guilty your all saying it's an abusive relationship. I know name calling and shouting is obviously not on but I don't know how to bring it up without causing more of it. He never says these things about money or calls me names unless he's angry at something or we're having an argument. I still see bits of my perfect dh but it's increasingly rare.

I've been crying pretty much every day for no reason as everything just feels to be getting on top of me. He's very caring and gives me time to be alone but then he'll go downstairs with ds and start shouting at the dog because he's stared at him or whatever. I just think ffs re home the dog!!

I'd like to try living without the dog as he seems to cause a lot of frustration in my dh but he won't even consider it. I'm certain I will see an improvement with the dog gone.

OP posts:

londonrach · 04/05/2015 21:50

Pancake did something happen in afghan. Alot of service men struggle to adapt to home life after they return. You need some professional help. I really think the relationship board here might help. Is he drinking more. Depressed?

duplodon · 04/05/2015 21:50

You are not crying for no reason, love. You are crying because you're sad and in a bad place, and the man you loved seems to have been replaced with an abusive stranger. It does sound like PTSD, but it's not your job to rescue him. You need to take care of you in the short term. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Idefix · 04/05/2015 22:09

Pancakes the dog is not likely to be the problem. Your DH has a problem and it needs to be addressed. Have you considered speaking to ssafa, unit welfare? Are you in the uk or bfg? There are people out there who can and will support you and DH what ever you decide to do.

It does sound like your DH is suffering from ptsd or depression. Have you spoke to your midwife about your low mood?
Sorry for all the questions...
Really would find someone to speak too, your DH is being emotionally abusive towards you and this needs to stop. I know it can be hard and there can be perceived stigma to speaking to welfare etc but it doesn't sound like you can go on much longer as you are.

Original poster

pancakes24 · 04/05/2015 22:23

Thank you. I have asked to get moved to relationships.

As far as I know nothing happened in Afghan as in he didn't come under contact. He may have seen things but 7 months away in a place like that is hard to cope with I expect. He's doing so well in his career and has been ranked top out of nearly 100 peers so it's only at home that he's like this.

He's away again this week but is back at the weekend. I want to sit him down and say I don't want to be here with him anymore but I feel like I'm letting him down. I mean, I want to stay with him but the old him. It really is just every little thing puts him in a bad mood. Everything the dog does annoys him - stares at him, jumps up, sniffs for food, wants to go out - normal dog stuff but also if ds runs too fast or climbs on an armchair etc he flips out at. Anything ds does that could potentially harm ds even in the smallest way gets dh in a bad mood.

He also can't stand ds crying and has repeatedly walked out or shut himself in another room even if ds is hurt or sick and left me to it. I have never left him for more than a few hours because of this. Dh is encouraging me to spend a night in a hotel to treat myself to a night off before baby comes but I can't stand the thought of him with ds crying.

OP posts:

FastForward2 · 04/05/2015 22:52

As others have said, if he is abusive, you should leave, but perhaps there are other things to try first.

Ditch the dog before you ditch the husband, husband will be useful when you have 2 children, specially ds, who will need lots of attention when baby arrives. Dog just sounds like a nuisance, and if dh shouts at the dog perhaps he would not mind if the dog went?

You sound really exhausted, but he sounds as if he may also be having problems which are covered by drinking and shouting. Does he know you think he has changed and does he think he has changed?

How does he get on with your ds? Could you try to get dh more involved with ds, at 2 yrs age they start to be more interesting, try to get him to take more responsibility, I know it is difficult if he goes away and is grumpy but it may be he feels a bit left out. He wont be as good at being a parent as you, and will make mistakes, but give him a chance (within reason obviously not when he has been drinking etc.). Now is a good time to do this so he can share parenting when baby arrives. Maybe get him to take the 2yo out for a couple of hours or a day to give you a rest.

I agree with the other posts about considering help for ptsd, and I would say its not unusual to feel trapped when you have small children, whatever the circumstances. My saviour was baby groups and meeting up with other new mums through the nct, make new friends through your children, ask your midwife for information about groups you could join. Or contact old friends and have a chat.

olgaga · 04/05/2015 23:24

Oh dear it sounds a bad enough situation for you but it does sound awful for DS who is little more than a baby himself.

I understand you don't want to leave DH and "let him down". But you have both your own and your childrens' welfare to consider.

Right now he is letting down you, his unborn child and his little DS - and even his blasted dog.

I am sure you'll get some good advice from Relationships regulars and I hope you have family & friends in RL you can count on.

tudorgirl · 05/05/2015 02:34

Sorry if this has already been mentioned...is he still in the military? If you do want further help there is the the regimental welfare officer, Army welfare service (AWS), Army families federation (AFF) the padre. These are all points of contact who should be able to offer help and advice, be that for counselling or assistance with leaving him.

tudorgirl · 05/05/2015 02:36

Gah, just seen pp already mentioned this. Apologies. Some great advice already, I really hope things improve for you op.

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