DP stated doesn't want to live together. Where now my hopes and dreams are dashed?

[Rousebarnlane]

I have been dating DP three years.

We are both mid 40s, neither ever married, don't live together, he is childless and I have two primary schoolers whose bio father is totally absent. He stays over Saturday nights, and I will rarely see him during the week. He doesn't sleep over weekdays and we might meet for a quick coffee in the week, but that's rare.
He has holidayed with us, regular day trips, involved with the children, we see his family and so on.

A few weeks ago he spontaneously began a conversation about living together, which we've touched on lightly before, the summary of this recent discussion being that he was happy with his current lifestyle (lives alone in rented naice toytown estate coachouse flat with all the gadgets), he works from home, and has no financial commitmens other than his own business that he runs.

He mentioned that he'd have to 'change his lifestyle completely' if we lived together. (And I wouldn't? I'd have to move my rented home too as neither of our homes are suitable for 4 people).

I'm not a naggy type, I don't make demands on men's time, and the children are well behaved.

He had a heart attack several months ago and his first night home after the hospital I spent with him. He asked me to marry him. Not a down on one knee proposal, but what I thought was heartfelt request anyway. It did cross my mind he'd just been through massive physical and emotional trauma, so I probably shouldn't take it seriously. So I didn't . He's never mentioned it again.
Sometimes I joke about the subject and he just changes the subject or ignores it, which leaves me feeling embarrassed.

A few months prior to his heart attack we lost a baby, around 9 weeks gestation, it was unplanned. My family only knew about it because my sister decided to accidentally deliberately because she hates me announce it before we had a chance to. (She'd 'guessed'I was pregnant, but as someone who can't conceive she 'guesses' I'm pregnant for any reason/symptom). Anyway, DP's family never had the announcement, as he didn't want people to know until after 12 weeks, but the baby died before then. I asked once and he said if we'd had the baby it would have 'moved things along quicker' amd he didn't want to live in a different house to his baby.

Anyway, back to the living together conversation. I am smitten with him completely, my children love him and call him Daddy (they've known him since one was a baby) and yes they do make the distinction between him and their bio father.

What I'm trying to understand, is that because I've romanticised everything and hoped and dreamt we'd all end up living together one day,and now I've been advised in no uncertain terms that it probably isn't going to happen in the near future, if at all, I feel a bit bereft. I also feel that no relationship I've had has ever thought me suitable as a lifelong partner. I feel unworthy.

And yet, he is happy to commit to jointly buying an expensive Landrover with me. But I'm not worthy of living with, or being married to?

I don't know where to head next now. I was hoping we could all live together in the near future, but my hopes and dreams have been dashed.

He did previously live with someone of 15 years and her two teenage children - neither of whom seem to have a relationship with him, although their bio dad was very much involved with them - and he left because no effort was made on her part to keep the relationship fresh, she ignored him, and it fizzled out. He does worry about going through a massive guilt inducing breakup like that againif he lived with someone again.

There isn't a solution there? Or are there any questions I should be asking him about his decision?
I never wanted to live alone forever. I've lived alone for 11 years now and I just wanted to 'centralise' our two lives together. Should I wait a few more years and see if he'd like to merge his life mre with our's, or is it pathetic f me to 'wait'.
Deep down I think the being asked to marry someone and then having it taken away again has upset me more than I thought :/

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry this guy has let you down.

It does sound like he doesn't ever want to settle down and marry. I'm sorry.

I guess when he says it would be "a massive change in his lifestyle" he's probably referring to living with two young children. As he only stays over one night a week at the moment, you can see it definitely would be a whole new ballgame. There's a big gap in between popping round in the evening and saying "hey kids, let's get a pizza!" and the day to day grind of getting them to school, helping with homework, taking to activities, spending a large chunk of your income on them.

It is surely better for your kids to not have him raise their expectations only for him to wilt under the pressure and either turn resentful or do a disappearing act.

I think that if you want to re-marry and live with someone again (and perhaps try for another child?) then you will have to accept that it won't be with this man. I'm sorry.

So sorry you are in this, but I think your fantasies are getting in the way here. The nuclear family thing is not going to happen with this man.

His ideal is to keep things as they are until your kids are all grown up - I think he'll be very happy to marry you and live with you then.

Would that be acceptable to you? Is that worse than ending it?

Do you actually want the Land Rover? Sounds as though you might be chipping in to buy a car he wants, to me. He sounds quite selfish, I expect he would like to live with you but not until your kids have grown and flown and then you will be doing all the housework

i dont see the problem with living apart. Maybe compromise, tell him that you would like to spend more time together

I'm sorry that you're hurting but as someone who was in your DPs position with my ex, it's not necessarily about you.

I prefer to live alone. Ex DP was the love of my life but I still didn't want to live with him and his children. I adored and still adore the very bones of them but I have chosen not to have children and had no desire to be a stepmum.

I need my own space and it worked ok when ex was offshore but I couldn't handle it when he was around all the time. Again, he was and is a wonderful man but couldn't understand why I didn't want him there constantly. It proved to be a deal breaker for him.

It's tough when you have different lives but the older I get, the less compromise I want to make. Moving in together would bring out the worst in me, not the best. Sometimes, no matter how untraditional the lifestyle, you need to be true to yourself.

I hope you find a resolution but please believe that it's very unlikely that you're not good enough or loveable enough for him.

he left because no effort was made on her part to keep the relationship fresh, she ignored him

That's his spin. Translated is tread that as he wanted it to be like a honeymoon all the time and she had two children to tend to

Translated I'd read that as*

I think you are right scarletforya

Forget the Landrover. Let him buy his own.
What is he like when you are ill? Does he come round and help out with your DCs? I imagine he doesn't.

It's difficult for you. You could finish the relationship because of his lack of commitment and then be own your own for a few years.

But I think he is now showing his true colours.

Moving in together would bring out the worst in me, not the best. Sometimes, no matter how untraditional the lifestyle, you need to be true to yourself.

That made sense at first, but isn't part of living with someone taking them warts and all?

I think deep down I do realise he doesn't want to live with myself and the children in the near future, but if he changed his mind in another 4 or 5 years, my children would be exactly the same age as the children of his previous live-in relationship, and that really would seem like repeating history!

I don't want an unconventional lifestyle, that's the thing. I crave a traditional home and the stability that represents (to me) for them. The thought of continuing to just date someone casually forever feels as if I'm just a weekend fling with kids attached, that I'm not a woman he considers worthy enough of anything more.

It's a massive chasm, isn't it? We are not parallel at all.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry

If that's what you need then it appears that he's unable to give it to you. It doesn't make him a bad person or a selfish one. You just have very different needs.

My point was that society has set us all up with certain expectations and for you, the conventional is what works. Instead of accepting that it simply doesn't work for him, you're blaming yourself and that's causing you even more upset.

Maybe time will change him or you but can you really afford to wait if you're unhappy in the meantime ? I wish I had the solution for you.

At the very least could you not see each other more often? Once a week is nothing - he could have a whole other wife and kids and still manage to see you once! If your time together increased maybe it would be less scary for him. Three years is a long time to have not got any more serious though.

I don't think I'd want to carry on with the relationship if it were me. I mean, you say that he proposed after his heart attack but then has never mentioned it again yet when you "jokingly" bring it up, you are made to feel embarrassed. You shouldn't feel like that, he either wants to marry you or he doesn't and to be honest, it sounds as though he doesn't.

That aside, as marriage isn't the be all and end all, it seems as though he doesn't really want to commit. He's got it quite easy as it is. He seems to want something quite different from you. What you have to decide is whether you are happy to settle for that or whether you would rather look for someone who wants what you want.

If he doesn't think he can be a full time father figure to your kids, better that he doesn't move in. Tough for you though.

What Blistory said.

Nothing wrong with his not wanting to live with you and step parent again. Nothing wrong with what you want.

But it's not something he's able or willing to give at present and you need to decide if what he is offering is enough for you.

Please don't buy an expensive car with this guy.

Of course the proposal upset you - he offered what you have been craving and then took it away. You are offering this man the great gift of allowing him to share your life and would have had his baby. I sense that you are a very loving and supportive partner and really want someone to make you feel cherished and adored (quite naturally) in return but this man is not making you feel this way.

Do not buy the Landrover with him - he does not like sharing and has made his position clear. I think the first reply from pocketsaviour had it nailed.

Both you and your children deserve better

you might crave the traditional home , but youve already got kids with someone else. Its never gonna be that traditional.

I dont live with my dp btw

I don't want to come across like a bitch, because you sound lovely and you're hurting and it's clear how much you want this to work out perfectly, but I remembered the story, and it's the third time you've posted the same thing. The last time was only a week ago. He said he didn't want to live together in January, and it doesn't seem like much has really changed since that post. You might get better quality support, that gets deeper into the issues, if you stick to the same thread, and keep posting on that than starting new threads as if it were a new topic.

It's over. I'm really sorry. But it's over.

If you split up, I think you'll soon start to feel MUCH more optimistic about the future than you think you will. Let's face it, for 3 years you've had a sort-of boyfriend. Yes he was there for holidays, but during the week he didn't want to see you! That's got to have dented your confidence.

If you become single again, you can live life on your OWN terms. Doesn't that sound more attractive than hanging around someone who has told you straight out that they don't want a life with you?

You have posted on this before and posters gave you advice - you can't change his mind, there aren't any questions or tricks you can use to make him change.

Why are you still punishing yourself? Maybe you should explore what there is in yourself that seems to want to be rejected by the men you are involved with.

On behalf of your children, it's quite painful reading how you're presenting them as "well behaved" and how you "don't make demands on men's time" and "aren't a naggy type".

He comes round one night a week and occasionally you meet for a coffee? My male friends do more for me socially and emotionally than that! (and they don't even get sex)

It's like you're forcing your children to live this weird half-life in which you're all waiting with bated breath to supplicate someone who really doesn't want to live you to change his mind.

I don't even think he'll wait until the kids are grown-up - I suspect when it gets to that stage he'll just move on to someone else or keep on with the excuses.

No-one is "making" you feel unworthy (and you aren't unworthy - no-one is). You're putting yourself in this situation. Why?

I do feel for you. Hard when it seems he is perfect for your family unit and you have dreams of how you would both evolve to have a life together.

I know sometimes we think that situations work for us and continue on, but its clear in your writing how the set up really isn't working as how you think it should and rightly so.

Hard to know how he is thinking, i'm sorry for your loss, but i think when he was faced with a new baby, it got him moving, now that he doesn't have to he is quiet content to stay as he is. He has his own business so he's obviously motivated, i find it odd that he wouldn't be so motivated to make this work. You only see each other once a week, (apart from hols or family day trips).
I know you probably don't want to hear this but i think you're the one that's doing the work here to make this relationship what you would like it to be.
Personally i don't agree that the children should call him daddy. he isn't their father and you aren't married, he hasn't adopted them legally, and it's v confusing for the children. I know you probably felt this was a way to cement the relationship between him and your children.
You are afraid to mention the subject of marriage again which is terrible to keep to yourself for fear of upset/embarrassment/awkwardness.
You shouldn't feel this way. That should be a huge red flag for you.
I don't want to pick holes as it's horrible when you read this and reflect and think jez is it that bad, but i think it sort of is from an outsider.
sit down with him next time you see him, tell him the fact that the children see him as dad, that you both want to be together and commit, then you would like to get married. don't beat around the bush.
if he can't give you an answer or says it will in time, then tell him that that isn't good enough for you. why should you have to dance to his tune. It should be something you both want. It's horrible and confusing, i agree when you think maybe it's just what you want....not him.

Sorry but is it just me that finds it odd that your children call someone daddy who only stays over 1 night a week - I've not seen your previous threads but the whole thing sounds quite dysfunctional for you and your children . BTW who is the landrover for ?

he left because no effort was made on her part to keep the relationship fresh, she ignored him, and it fizzled out.

Leaped out at me too. He wants to date, not be married and live in a traditional home. Which is fine, except he shouldn't have proposed.