DP stated doesn't want to live together. Where now my hopes and dreams are dashed?

[Rousebarnlane]

I have been dating DP three years.

We are both mid 40s, neither ever married, don't live together, he is childless and I have two primary schoolers whose bio father is totally absent. He stays over Saturday nights, and I will rarely see him during the week. He doesn't sleep over weekdays and we might meet for a quick coffee in the week, but that's rare.
He has holidayed with us, regular day trips, involved with the children, we see his family and so on.

A few weeks ago he spontaneously began a conversation about living together, which we've touched on lightly before, the summary of this recent discussion being that he was happy with his current lifestyle (lives alone in rented naice toytown estate coachouse flat with all the gadgets), he works from home, and has no financial commitmens other than his own business that he runs.

He mentioned that he'd have to 'change his lifestyle completely' if we lived together. (And I wouldn't? I'd have to move my rented home too as neither of our homes are suitable for 4 people).

I'm not a naggy type, I don't make demands on men's time, and the children are well behaved.

He had a heart attack several months ago and his first night home after the hospital I spent with him. He asked me to marry him. Not a down on one knee proposal, but what I thought was heartfelt request anyway. It did cross my mind he'd just been through massive physical and emotional trauma, so I probably shouldn't take it seriously. So I didn't . He's never mentioned it again.
Sometimes I joke about the subject and he just changes the subject or ignores it, which leaves me feeling embarrassed.

A few months prior to his heart attack we lost a baby, around 9 weeks gestation, it was unplanned. My family only knew about it because my sister decided to accidentally deliberately because she hates me announce it before we had a chance to. (She'd 'guessed'I was pregnant, but as someone who can't conceive she 'guesses' I'm pregnant for any reason/symptom). Anyway, DP's family never had the announcement, as he didn't want people to know until after 12 weeks, but the baby died before then. I asked once and he said if we'd had the baby it would have 'moved things along quicker' amd he didn't want to live in a different house to his baby.

Anyway, back to the living together conversation. I am smitten with him completely, my children love him and call him Daddy (they've known him since one was a baby) and yes they do make the distinction between him and their bio father.

What I'm trying to understand, is that because I've romanticised everything and hoped and dreamt we'd all end up living together one day,and now I've been advised in no uncertain terms that it probably isn't going to happen in the near future, if at all, I feel a bit bereft. I also feel that no relationship I've had has ever thought me suitable as a lifelong partner. I feel unworthy.

And yet, he is happy to commit to jointly buying an expensive Landrover with me. But I'm not worthy of living with, or being married to?

I don't know where to head next now. I was hoping we could all live together in the near future, but my hopes and dreams have been dashed.

He did previously live with someone of 15 years and her two teenage children - neither of whom seem to have a relationship with him, although their bio dad was very much involved with them - and he left because no effort was made on her part to keep the relationship fresh, she ignored him, and it fizzled out. He does worry about going through a massive guilt inducing breakup like that againif he lived with someone again.

There isn't a solution there? Or are there any questions I should be asking him about his decision?
I never wanted to live alone forever. I've lived alone for 11 years now and I just wanted to 'centralise' our two lives together. Should I wait a few more years and see if he'd like to merge his life mre with our's, or is it pathetic f me to 'wait'.
Deep down I think the being asked to marry someone and then having it taken away again has upset me more than I thought :/

I noticed the "she made no effort" bit too.

He wants it all new and fresh and fun and when it isnt he buggers off.

I know you love him but he is in love with someone else that you will never be able to compete with......himself.

Well one way to keep your relationship 'fresh' is to pretty much keep your lives separate and see each other only once a week.

Why on earth would you buy a shared car with someone you see once a week?

He is being clear about what he wants and his past relationship suggests this is part of who he is. He likes living alone. Can you deal with that? Can you compromise or would you be better off looking for a man whose wishes for the future are more in line with yours?

And let him buy his own Landrover.

Brandysnapper Yes, I've heard that before. It's beginning to put doubts in my mind now :/

So would you get to be a passenger in 'your' car one day out of seven? How great for you!

He's been very clear and his past form with his ex tells you what you need to know. Let him go and find someone who wants to take that step with you and become a family with your children. He doesn't.

From on outsider's point of view it looks like he's been pretty clear about what he wants. He shows you how he wants to live by his actions. He tells you, directly or indirectly, when the subject comes up.

You love him and want it to be different, so you're not actually hearing what he says. If he's not going to change, and neither are you (and neither of your are wrong) you have to make a choice. Live as you are, unhappily and compromising, waiting for the wrong man for you to make a choice he doesn't want to make. Or, let him find somebody who wants the same as him, and you do the same.

It's not a reflection on you, you just want different things, it's allowed.

There seems to be a lot of people saying he isnt keen to live you and you OP say how all your hopes and dreams seem lost...yet when i went back and read your post again what struck me is this man was the one who asked you to marry him and you 'didnt take it seriously' and then you seem upset he never mentioned it again ! He brings up living together spontaneously and mentions how it would be a change in his life ...well...err...yes it would but it doesnt sound like he said that meanly , he didnt reply to you asking him to live with you...i think this guy is shy and cautious and trying to sound you out, but he has been knocked back by you already once over the marriage thing and maybe is sensibly protecting his heart. I think the poor man would probably like a little encouragement...maybe he is scared you dont want things to change...have you told him you want the whole thing....a home, a family etc...???? he is not a mind reader

sorry ...just re-read your title to post...did he actually say ' no i don't want to live with you '....because you post doesn't say that...it says he brought up the subject spontaneously...and you give no indication what your reply was or what happened then ?

The fact is it would indeed be a huge huge change in both your lives and maybe he saying that was just him stating fact and having insight not necessarily using it as reason not to move together ?

Who's idea was it to buy a Landrover? where will it be kept given he only sees you once a week? At his place perhaps? Who's name will the car be registered under? Who gets the car in the event of a break up?

How long have you been together?

He doesn't sound terribly nice, I always take a step back when men tell me their ex's were terrible which is why they broke up, it's really not a great chat up line.
Relationship's do settle into the mundane, you do not have passionate sex up against the wall in the hallway forever.

I'd use my hard earned cash to buy myself something spectacular and consider moving on. You sound so sad and anxious to please.

I remember your previous thread. I think you have to let him go. You both want different things from the relationship now.

Sorry for your loss Op

He's happy with his lot by the sounds of things. He certainly sounds like he has no plans to change anything in the near future. You on the other hand don't sound happy with this so for goodness sake speak up.

Not sure why you would buy a car with someone you don't live with....see twice a week etc. whose idea was it? Whose drive is it parked on?

He sounds extremely immature. He wants all the benefits of a relationship while at the same time avoiding the responsibilities and more difficult bits. You are being very passive and letting him walk all over you.

rednellybean yes,he is shy and cautious, you have that spot on. He's recently suffered a couple of fairly traumatic somewhat life changing events, so isn't in a good place to make another life chanign decision right now I suppose.
I didn't knock him back on the 'proposal'. He was just sat on the sofa the night after his heart attack with me, and he just came out with it, 'will you marry me?' I asked him if he was joking and he said no, but I assumed secretly because he'd just been through this trauma he wasn't in his right mind really, so whilst inside I was dying with glee, on the outside I was indifferent to him, and I think he picked up that I wasn't taking him seriously.
I've never been married before or even asked, so I don't really know how it all works.

For those picking up Chinese whispers from the thread, I want to reaffirm that he does not speak poorly of his (recent) ex, in fact quite the opposite, he talks about her favourably, and a lot. Their relationship died after 15 years because she did not seem to put any effort into it companionship wise (and otherwise) and it fizzled out naturally from that.

It's disheartening to see it written down that we 'want different things'. That's quite significant.

Also that it's daft to buy a vehicle wth someone I don't even live with. I'm learning to drive at the moment, so perhaps I should just buy the vehicle myself when I've passed (we are talking old and very cheap landrovers here by the way!) Perhaps he's humouring me with that idea too

Yes, I can see I'm being passive. Do I really want to wait around for a few more years until he is ready to take the next step in our relationship, or does he just want to continue dating like this forever?
If it helps clarify, he hasn't ever lived on his own before. He went straight from his Mum's to living with than older woman for that 15 years, then back to his Mum when the relationship ended, and has lived in his flat for about 3 years now. I can see why he is enjoying living on his own for the first time, with all his toys and gadgets and nobody telling him how to live. (He likes to please everyone, all the time, doesn't like to and never does let people down).

I doubt you are going to end it so see if you could actually find a way to accept him as he is - him living with you and your two kids is perhaps not a great prospect for him, it's not that easy living with other people's kids, I've done it, it was bloody hard. I don't see why you cant see each other more though, I have friends who are in long term relationships but don't share the same home but still stay over at each other's places - it doesn't have to follow that you get married, saying that, I can see where you are coming from and nothing wrong with that either.

Then I think its time for a "cards on the table" chat.

Make it clear that you were thrilled when he proposed but as he had just come out of hospital you didnt want to put any pressure on him at the time. Tell him that you always wanted to live with him and get married to him, but that the things he has said recently lead you to believe that he doesnt want that. Ask him how he see's your future, and if he does say he wants to live with you/marry you, then ask him what his time frame is. Keeping you sweet with a vague "in a few years" isnt going to cut the mustard here as there would be a good chance that in a few years it would be a few more years....

You really have to sit him down and say what you want out of a relationship . Don't let it be evaded or dismissed, get it said, listen to his answers and then decide if you're on the same page or ever likely to be. 3 years is long enough to know what you want.

Thankyou everyone. The last two posts have pushed me to communicate better with him and have that cards on the table chat, and I will update in a few days.

I hope that it works out :)

good luck...you might be surprised....i feelsorry for the poor chap....he proposed...you asked him if he was serious....he said yes....and you basically ignored him....i doubt he has dared risk it again...who wants to be rejected over and over ???

You need to stop lying to yourself.
On page one it's an expensive Landrover.
On page two it's an old cheap one.

Don't try to persuade yourself that a car is a commitment from someone!

I know it's harsh, but he's not that into you.

I'm also at the breakup being the ex's fault for not putting enough into companionship, coming from Mr One Night A Week!

How did it go Op?