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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So so so confused please help!

32 replies

Sleepytrain · 03/05/2015 23:12

I called the police as my ex abusive partner would not leave the house after seeing ds. He didn't threaten me just refused to leave. He owns half the house even though he doesn't live there anymore. They came over and basically there is nothing that I can do and I had half an hour of police convincing me that he is not a bad guy and the stuff he does is not that bad. Omg!!! I feel now that I am going mad. Maybe they are right? Is it all me? He doesn't control my money, friends, what I wear, stop me from working. He never checks up on me. But he is a bastard that lets me down and puts me down a lot and grinds me down big time. However this wasn't on their ticklist so they concluded that he is not controlling. Bloody hell, what is he then? I am SO confused and now I feel really stupid especially after answering no to all of their questions Confused

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 03/05/2015 23:21

That sounds very scary - is he still in the house? Is your DS ok? Are you safe or are you worried that he may become violent? If you're scared for your safety then you need to phone the police again. Can you talk to him at all? How long is it since he moved out?

Sorry great going through this tonight and sorry for all the questions - I hope you're ok.

whattodoforthebest2 · 03/05/2015 23:22

I meant sorry you're going thru this...

Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 00:03

Thank you for your reply Smile I am ok, he is not here he did go home after being all sweetness and light with the police and making out I am the one with the problem. I have called women's aid and they have made me feel better. i just felt that they didnt understand and were trying to encourage me to give him another chance.

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Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 00:05

Tbh I feel really shaken up by it all, quite shocked at the treatment I had. It became about me, rather than him...

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Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 06:23

Horrible realisation that he will now use this to happily confirm to others that I am totally potty, mad, compleyely over exaggerating. This is fuel for his fire.

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Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 06:27

And I feel like I am going mad tbh. I have been with him for so long but the cruelty is unbelievable. It's shocking how much he despises me and thinks I am a pathetic stupid waste of space. But yet he wants to move back in!

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Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 07:02

He said that going on 'these courses' ie the freedom programme, they are lumping into one thing and making you believe you are in the same situation as the others.

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whattodoforthebest2 · 04/05/2015 08:30

Hi OP, I'm glad you're ok and that he left you last night. In some respects he's right, the freedom programme is designed to help you realise that what you're going thru isn't ok, that you can stand up to someone's unreasonable behaviour and manage without them. Try not to worry about what others will think, if they believe his lies now, then sooner or later they'll see thru it.

What matters is that you get support and counselling so that you can start feeling stronger and more resilient, then what he says won't matter to you, you'll be able to work things out for yourself.

Quitelikely · 04/05/2015 08:34

Regardless of anything no decent man would refuse to leave someone's home when asked.

I'm disappointed in the police response. I would ring up and speak to their superior.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 08:39

It's par for the course with these men, to be all charm with anyone in authority. Don't let it upset you.

The issue was that a man would not leave your house when asked. The fact that the police decided to dissect and criticise your relationship choices indicates pretty poor professional judgement on their part. Again, don't let it upset you: you were right to call the police because he would not leave. Some professionals are shit.

Think how you can arrange things so that he never enters your house on contact days.

EleanorRigby89 · 04/05/2015 08:43

In general, the police are not trained properly with regards to DA. So, try to take what they had to say with a pinch of salt. They've not lived with him, so they can't tell you what he is/ is not based on the result of a checklist. Madness.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? Or could he buy you out so you can move?

Thanks
EleanorRigby89 · 04/05/2015 08:45

I second reporting to their superior. If nobody complains about the police's lack of knowledge on this subject, it'll never get better.

Cherryapple1 · 04/05/2015 08:48

Bloody hell the police sound awful! I agree about complaining about them. Just awful. And please don't let your ex over the threshold again. Are 3rd party handovers possible? Your ex really has no need to contact you over anything about childcare arrangements.

Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 08:50

Thanks for your replies everyone Smile I wish I hadn't done it now, I guess I am desperate. I can't bear the emotional abuse anymore ??

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Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 08:53

Police said there is nothing they can do as he owns half the house. So I am going to have to put up with it until we sort something out. I don't want to see or speak to him anymore he just plays with my feelings and emotions very very well.

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Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 08:55

As predicted, he is on his way over. Can't get rid of him.

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GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 08:57

You could relay your complaint about those constables' behaviour through the victim support or DV liaison officer in your area.

I had a similar experience in the past, and it was hugely upsetting - I really didn't need figures of authority making me doubt myself! I didn't intend to bring it up with their superiors, just swallow it and carry on as usual. But by a fluke the victim support officer called me because they wanted me to press charges about one of my ex's assaults. I told her what had just happened (because why would I press charges when police are so unsupportive?), and do you know what? She sent the officers concerned to DV sensitivity training. I really felt like some good had come out of the situation, that way.

I'm not guaranteeing you'll get the same result, but maybe just speaking out, saying "Hey, this attitude from police towards DV victims isn't ok", will help you feel better, instead of feeling upset as you do now.

Cherryapple1 · 04/05/2015 08:57

Do not open the door. He doesn't live with you any more.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 08:59

x-post.

Owning a house, and residency, are 2 different things!

If he is not resident in your house, he does not get to swan in. Think of it as a landlord: they don't get to enter your home, just because they own it.

Please get some legal advice on this point. It seems that your ex is following the abuser's handbook to a T ("I own this house too so you can't keep me out!"). That is usually NOT accurate.

Cherryapple1 · 04/05/2015 09:03

I agree with Goats.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid op? If not, please do as a priority. And you have done the Freedom Programme?

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 09:07

God this is so typical. He's just making a point, pissing on what he sees as his territory.

Don't let him in if you don't want to, say it's not a convenient time to see DS.

Beyond today, you need formal safeguards:

  • formalised contact arrangements: establish when and where he sees DS. Make sure this happens outside your home.
  • Is a divorce process ongoing? Legal separation? Get it going. This will mention ownership of the house, and who has residency where while the finances and legalities are sorted out.

Those officers were appalling, the more you say about them. Clearly had their own axe to grind.

Bottom line is that this is your home, and nobody enters it if you don't want them to. He has his own residence at the moment. Your home is no longer his home, he does not get access to it on his whim.

Original poster
Sleepytrain · 04/05/2015 10:12

That's exactly what I thought, but the police told me that is not true. Because his name is on half the mortgage they can do nothing to throw him out even though he lives somewhere else.

Apparently they gave him the advice that he can force me to sell if he wanted.
He seems particularly smug this morning...

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Cherryapple1 · 04/05/2015 10:18

Have you seen a solicitor? Why are you seeing him this morning? Have you locked the door so he can't get in?

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 10:22

Speak to a solicitor.

And if, as I suspect, those cops are full of shit, then do take this up with their superiors.

AWholeLottaNosy · 04/05/2015 10:30

Please contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can give you free legal advice and possibly help you get an injunction against him. The police were appalling but sadly this isn't uncommon. There are people out there that can help you, you don't have to put up with this.

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-ncdv-will-help-you/