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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You find out who your friends are!

38 replies

PruneNoodle · 03/05/2015 21:42

I've told my close friends that my husband (and father of dc10 and dc7) that he has left. I got immediate messages or texts of 'if you need anything' but nobody even asked 'why?'!
I haven't heard from anyone since then! Nobody seems to realise or acknowledge that I'm alone at home from 7.30/8pm every night when dcs go to bed.
Not only has he left me (I didn't want him to go) but he takes my children away from me every other weekend and he has, in effect, taken all my friends away as well.
I can't beg for company.

I feel like I've suffered a bereavement and nobody knows what to say to me so they say nothing.
Anyone else been through this? Any advice??

OP posts:
DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 03/05/2015 21:45

i dont have any advice Flowers Flowers Flowers for you

On a serious note, you have suffered a bereavement, maybe not in the traditional sense which is why they cant talk to you. You dont say when this happened, but i'm guessing its not happened today.

Do you have any hobbies? or anything you can do in the evenings? Why/how has he taken your friends away? cant they come over with a takeaway?

honeyroar · 03/05/2015 21:50

They might be as shocked as you are? They might have suspected something and be feeling bad?

Do text them again, tell them you're feeling lonely. They may need to know. I went through a lonely time years ago, and a year later mentioned to someone what a low time I'd had. They were really surprised and said that I'd seemed so strong that they didn't realise. They felt bad that they hadn't realised..

Stitchintime1 · 03/05/2015 21:51

Poor you. Do you feel you can ask for help from these friends?

cozietoesie · 03/05/2015 21:57

Get a few of them round for a pot luck supper and try not to mention the past or the ex-relationship. Start things semi-afresh and if they've been good friends in the past, they should be back to you.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 03/05/2015 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imnotproud · 03/05/2015 21:59

They may be trying not to pry, it's a very personal and emotional thing and so perhaps they are waiting for you to be ready to give away more information? Call someone, I bet you'll both feel better for it

Wishful80smontage · 03/05/2015 22:02

Agree with imnot don't think I would want to come across like I was trying to pry I would offer to be there for you too. I think you probably can rely on them more than you think. Hope things get easier x

gamerchick · 03/05/2015 22:10

I agree you need to reach out man. Tell your friends you're going out of your mind with boredom on an evening and could kill for a good laugh. Call in the troops! Don't just suffer in silent misery.

People are probably thinking you need space to get your head together.. Let them know you want some company and to blow off steam.

holeintheworld · 03/05/2015 22:17

Yes, I have been there. I think in my case, people didnt know what to say, but also a few seemed to feel like it might be catching IYSWIM? So if they engaged with me maybe it might give their own DP ideas or something. Or maybe they thought I wanted their DPs??!. One friend in particular I did reach out to becuase she was going through a similar thing, and she quite bluntly told me she was too busy. Others just sort of disappeared quietly. A woman I hardly knew at work made a point of telling me how happy her marriage was and how her DH would never leave her and had plenty of money. wtf? It was hard, I wont deny it, and my DC were old enough to be independent so I didnt have the staying at home thing. Poor you. But it did get better, mostly because I made new friends and much later found new DP. Keep posting on here and do keep reaching out to family friends and just the people you cross paths with daily, its important not to slip into isolation, I know that now.

TopOfTheCliff · 03/05/2015 22:22

I found my friends fell into two groups when I left my EA DH. They all knew DH as well as me and we had brought our DC up together. Half were lovely, invited me for meals and coffee and drunken heart to hearts while the others were horrified I had broken the rule about sticking by my man. I think some of them must have thought it was infectious. It damaged our friendships and I still don't feel the same about them.
Interestingly once I met DP and was safely coupled up again they started inviting me to events. I didn't feel that keen to go!
You find out who the real friends are in this situation. Treasure them!

Optimist1 · 03/05/2015 22:24

Did you text them? I can understand how that would have been easier for you to break the news, but it's possible that they interpret it as you wanting to leave the communication at that for the time being. I think face-to-face is the way to go here; you can express how you're feeling, be on the receiving end of hugs and hopefully build on the friendship that you already have.

Variousrandomthings · 03/05/2015 22:25

Be honest! They are waiting for you to make the first move after first telling you to text if there's anything you need. You need to text them and tell them you're feeling a bit low and could really do with catching up.

Variousrandomthings · 03/05/2015 22:29

It's probably very hard for your friends to know what to do unless you tell them. It's a fine balance between too much space and no space.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/05/2015 22:32

I would never ask a friend why, i would always just say i was there for them. I wouldn't force them to come out when they werent ready either. Just pick up the phone and talk to them.

justjuanmorebeer · 03/05/2015 22:36

Was he a bit of an arsehole?
When this happened to me last year I could not understand why my friends were not supporting me. Turns out he'd been meeting with them for months and bad mouthing me. Laying groundwork, as it were Shock

I hope you are ok. It does get easier in the evenings

Joysmum · 03/05/2015 22:42

I respond to people how they communicate to me. If I got a texted but if news like that, I assume it's because somebody doesn't want to talk to me about it. Maybe I'm old fashioned but those must important to me get spoken to in person and I've never gone generic texts.

If I sent a text, I'd expect to receive a text back as I'd set the precedent.

newnamesamegame · 03/05/2015 22:43

I'm in a similar situation as you although not exactly the same as I asked my H to go and am fundamentally happy he's gone, but sending you Flowers too.

I think its a combination of factors:

  • an English thing of not wanting to pry or invade your space
  • in some cases, a slight sense of anxiety about it being "catching"...(one person I know who was extremely supportive when I went through a bereavement has not said one word to me about the breakdown of my marriage. I can't help wondering if its connected to superstition about her own impending nuptials.)
  • people being busy and not really having time to engage
  • people being selfish and not really thinking much about it

I think on the not asking why front this is a positive thing. People are telling you they don't care why and won't judge you as to why. You may justifiably be upset and interpret this as them not caring but I think its meant positively. A lot of people will be worried about not wanting to appear to be gossiping or prying.

I agree with the poster who said you should invite people round and try to make it as light-hearted as possible. That's not to say you shouldn't feel able to talk about it. But I think some people are wary of being asked to give too much and may shy away from it. Yes, they may be fairweather friends, but they may also be awkward, English types who don't know how to approach you.

Wishing you all the best with it. Its a very lonely time, but you'll get through it.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 03/05/2015 22:53

I understand completely. My h is gone since November. The invitations just went whoosh.

I invited a friend for coffee a few weeks ago, and she explained that she and her h were keen to 'support us both' which meant her h would ring my h for sad pints and she would send me 'how r u Hun xx' texts.

As suggested above, I have now arranged takeaway suppers and coffee at mine. I'm still waiting for the return invites though! It is like it's contagious, in some people's eyes. I've only told close friends about the reason (ow, natch), and they are the ones who are most 'there' for me. I guess that tells its own story. The fact that I've very small kids and live in a small community has made me think it's wisest for now to omit the reason when telling people; however, that has proved a lonely path.

Flowers
SelfLoathing · 03/05/2015 22:55

I haven't heard from anyone since then! Nobody seems to realise or acknowledge that I'm alone at home from 7.30/8pm every night when dcs go to bed.

Why would you expect people to contact you then? Prior to your split, did people contact you then? I doubt it.

I'm single and if I'm in, I'm alone at home all the time - but I don't expect my friends to phone me at that time - because it's a time when you are either out or if you are in likely to be eating or enjoying a night in/quiet domesticity.

If you want human contact at that time particularly, I think you will need to initiate it yourself or to specifically tell your friends it's a time you are feeling lonely and would appreciate some contact.

To answer you bigger point - 1. most people are basically self-interested. 2. I think it's a general truth that married women tend to avoid women who's husbands have left, especially if they were all socialising together as couples with the deparated husband - partly because they fear that it could be catching (might focus their husband's minds on the advantages of leaving) and partly because they irrationally think the newly single woman is on a despearate hunt for a new man. Not all married women obviously, but its common enough to be a recognised phenomenon.

Trills · 03/05/2015 22:56

People react very differently to news of this kind.

They may be treating you are they would want to be treated (given space unless asked).

Or they may be scared of saying the wrong thing.

Original poster
PruneNoodle · 03/05/2015 22:59

If I could have got away with not telling anyone anything ever about this then I would have done, I only started telling people as my children started telling people that daddy had gone to live somewhere else. I didn't tell anyone until after he had gone- partly hoping that he wasn't going to go and that I wouldn't have to explain why he was still there and that if we were out together we wouldn't be treated any differently. It's my means to self preservation.
Nobody at work knows and I LOVE it as I go to work and am treated 'normally' and can be normal.
I have hobbies, I'm not bored, I'm lonely. But too proud to ask my friends to be friendly, it feels so false. Be my friend if you want to be, not becuase I've asked you to be.

It's so rubbish. My H has our children this weekend as I'm working, he then has them next weekend as it's 'his weekend'. My friends have children and H of their own - I guess there is little room for a sad spare part.
I know it will get easier - just feeling low and vulnerable.

OP posts:
Tequilashotsfor1 · 03/05/2015 23:03

I've had this but two of my very close friends asked why? Was mad on my behalf rang most nights.

When one of my friends DH left her we spoke every night for six weeks till he came back. Sometimes she would ring at 12am and I'd still pick up and talk. When it was me I had one phone call off her being nosy and then silence after that.

Some may be not wanting to pry but you do find out who your real mates are in times of need Flowers

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 03/05/2015 23:05

The weekends without are tough.

I've yet to find the balance but what I have done is:
Cinema marathon weekends on my own
Saturday morning Pilates/yoga/spinning
Shopping (for clothes I hardly wear, or stuff for 'my' house such as cushion covers from idea that h would have sneered at)
Avoiding housework and laundry
Found a weekend hobby

The midweek nights are hard as the kids are in bed early for school and I can't go out for a walk so end up sitting at the back door smoking and on MN looking out for other lonely mums

Trills · 03/05/2015 23:09

You say you want things to be "normal", but on an old "normal" weekend you probably did stuff with your children and husband and didnn't necessarily see your friends that much.

You need your friends to be around more than normal. So you need to acknowledge that.

Variousrandomthings · 03/05/2015 23:11

Invite them out for the cinema or a bottle at yours. They are waiting for you to make the first move