You find out who your friends are!

[PruneNoodle]

I've told my close friends that my husband (and father of dc10 and dc7) that he has left. I got immediate messages or texts of 'if you need anything' but nobody even asked 'why?'!
I haven't heard from anyone since then! Nobody seems to realise or acknowledge that I'm alone at home from 7.30/8pm every night when dcs go to bed.
Not only has he left me (I didn't want him to go) but he takes my children away from me every other weekend and he has, in effect, taken all my friends away as well.
I can't beg for company.

I feel like I've suffered a bereavement and nobody knows what to say to me so they say nothing.
Anyone else been through this? Any advice??

Please don't judge your friends for not knowing how to help you.

They DO want to be your friend, but right now they are not sure what you need.

I know it's hard, but in order for people to be there for you in the way that you need them to, you have to communicate what you need from them.

I think it will help to be more explicit with your friends about what you are hoping for.

By the way I feel bound to add that anyone who drops you or makes you feel as if what you have is catching is not a friend.

Awkwardness and British reserve are one thing. People who lack the compassion and humanity to realise that they could, but for the grace of God, be in the same position, are pond life and you should drop. You don't need people like this now.

oP, do you feel any better for posting?
You're quiet so I hope you're too busy on the phone with a friend to come back and this has helped

Imnot thank you for asking, I have to say that I wish I could wind back time and not have told anyone until they actually found out. But I can't.
I don't have a 'best friend' - that was H. That's who I would have talked to in the past. Discussed life, options, feelings etc. I don't easily open up and i can't appoint someone my new confidant.
It's difficult to talk to people and then feeling that you are being judged by them. H thinks the grass is greener, that there should be more to life, which makes me feel a failure.
Thank you everyone for your time in responding. It's going to be a quiet few months I think.

I've been there too and particularly understand the being treated as normal thing.

Your posts are a little contradictory in that you want to be treated as normal but want friends to helps you feel less lonely. Would they, normally, have contacted you or are you expecting them to contact you more now? You describe your H as being your best friend, so he took up most weekends, yes?

You say you wish they didn't know, that you had not told them. So it sounds to me that what you really find hard is the 'elephant in the room thing' of them knowing and changing behaviour around you. The awkwardness of feeling emotionally exposed and the weirdness of trying to second guess why they haven't/have not been in contact.

I found that I had to push myself to be a little more 'out there' and not to stay in my comfort zone too much. It helped, it really did because I learned great things about myself and the friends I thought I already knew. It helped build my self confidence back and was one of the better things about the whole exit me.

If I were you I would take a risk and reach out.

And no decent friend judges. Only helps.

I'm a very private person so I would never ask why. I'd be aware it could be painful and I'd wait for you to tell me.

And when I say 'if you need anything' I mean it! You need to reach out to them and say "I'm feeling crap - you around for a glass of wine/natter etc?"

Your good friends won't judge you, they will support you.

OP your friends last said to let them know 'if you need anything'. So take them up on their offer. They need directing by you.

It sounds to me that usually you are very insular (having relied previously almost completely on DH) and didn't really spend much time with friends anyway. You are really just going to have to take the bull by the horns and move beyond. Take courage and make the changes you need to make to ensure your needs are met.

What set up would you like now? When do you want to see people? What do you want to do? Stop being passive and make these things happen

I would never ask a friend 'why' either. I would wait for them to open up at their own pace, even if it took ages.

I wouldn't have asked 'why' because if you'd wanted to discuss that, you'd have disclosed some further information. I wouldn't want to be seen as prying or fishing, so I'd accept the situation and say "if you need me" as well.

I think your friends imagine they have behaved appropriately and are waiting for your cue.

Sorry, I disagree with most of the posters on this thread.

Yes, absolutely it's a bit awkward and granted people will be struggling to know what to say. But I know for sure that if this happened to one of my friends, there wouldn't hvad been a day go by that I didn't send a 'thinking of you, really hope you're okay, let me know if you'd like some company' text.

In fact, I have supported many friends through break ups in the past and this is how I've played it.

There is no excuse for radio silence if you ask me. I feel for you OP. Perhaps take this opportunity to join new clubs/groups and make some new friends

Don't regret how it's come about, you've enough on your plate so be kind to yourself. My H is my best friend too, I understand a little what a hole this has left, pick someone who you think will be the best to talk to and let off some steam with them or failing that find some new people, you can do it and you will be fine