Help I can't let go of the past

[wheelsanddollbaby]

My husband left me and or son two and a half years ago for another woman. Since then he has come back to the marital home for three months and left again. I am REALLY struggling to let go. I have discovered that this woman is now pregnant and she and my husband had split up. As far as I am aware they have recently got back together and I just can't help wanting them to split up again so she can see how it feels to be left with a young baby. As far as I am aware she has moved out on him three times and(she claims) he has begged her to come back. In the recent turn of events he was working in London and his contract finished and he had no money and therefore returned to his flat in Nottingham. She lives in Notts and is working, so I guess he had the option of being on the dole alone or being on the dole and having her pay for day to day living costs as well as sitting on the dole.
She destroyed my life and I can't stop the immense anger and sadness taking over me constantly.
I should have know really that he would do this to me, as he walked out on his last partner with their seven year old and their four month old fighting for her life premature baby.
Just wanted to know if any MNs think this relationship with this woman will last. He says he loves his children but lives with no of them and has recently told me that he wants nothing to do with our son anymore(heartbreaking). I want to be able to let go but I just find myself sinking into a deeper depression pining for what used to be.

sound like an arse to me, if he's done this over and over with different women i wouldn't expect he'll change.

Sorry but this man is a loser and is not worth wasting your time/life over.

If he had already done it before you got together with him, especially leaving his wife with a premie, did you not think that this made him a shit?

Move on and get over him - get yourself a better life.

So he left his partner and premmie baby for you and now he has left you and your son for another woman. This woman is now pregnant and he can't seem to stick around for her either. He is an irresponsible t**t. Cut him out of your life as he will never change. For your son's sake you have to move on.

I also feel that, having seen what he could do when you got together with him (and btw did you feel no compassion for the partner he dumped to be with you?) you really should have expected it all to happen to you.

Sounds like hes a serial woman leaver... I wouldnt waste your time thinking about him - I know its hard, believe me I know its hard... I obsessed over an ex for 2 1/2 years and he used to beat me etc., and in the last few weeks we've gotten in contact and I now realise how much better off I am without him. I cant help but feel jealous when I hear about him and other women, and I feel awful for feeling it, but, I tell myself to look at what I have now, and to laugh at any silly cow for taking up with him.

Think about when you were with him, all the heartache etc... then think of your IDEAL man... you can have that now! Write down all the good things about being free of him, there is more than you think! You can concentrate on your son, and finding a wonderful man... let your old one dig himself in deeper holes. Are you jealous of him? I think not... Try and focus on all the good things to come...

Sorry, im not very good at this, but, all that ^ helped me get through dealing with the past.

WTF are you pining for? The love of a good man???. Breath a HUGE sigh of relief, have nothing but compassion for this poor cow that she is still involved with him somehow and get on with making the best of life for your son.
Is he supporting your ds?
I think it is fair to say that you should stop trying to shift blame for the mess you are in onto this woman. YOU made a very, very unwise choice. YOU have to deal with the consequences. How did you honestly think that you could build a happy life with a man who would leave his tiny baby and the woman who was undoubtably worried sick?
Sorry if we are all being harsh but if you are to get yourself out of this mess you need a sharp dose of reality. This man is scum, you and your ds will be better off with as little to do with him as possible.

Thanks for all the advice. I met my ex four months after my mother had died and I couldn't really see the wood for the trees. My ex had moved to England from Jamaica(leaving his kids behind). He told me that he was single and only told me had a son for a good few months. I subsequently found out about his daughter and maybe only after our son was born, and we visited them in Jamaica did his mother tell me that she was premature etc. He also told me that he left the mother of his kids because she used to hide knives in the house and one she tried to stab him. Know I can see why! He has now admitted(four years later) that she tried to stab him because he glassed her with a bottle.
Grief or no grief I wouldn't have married him if I had known all of this beforehand. The main reason why I am angry with this woman he ran off with is that she knew he was married and had a young baby and that didn't stop her getting her claws in.
I think in the future I will be able to see that she has done me a favour. Thank you for the words of hope Quootie(?), I have given this man so much and he has just doesn't give a damn.

Also he does not support his ds and has now refused to have anything to do with him(again). He adds nothing to my or our son's life so, if I cut him off it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. I cut him off for four months earlier this year and I felt better for it.

Well you have just answered your own questions there. I don't really think you should be blaming it all on this other woman given the repeated pattern of behaviour shown by your husband. I think the advice of the others - concentrate on building a new life for your DS and you is the best. Obviously it is hard when you are on your own but is it any easier with an unreliable, two-timing, violent waste of space? I think not!

Ok WADB you have posted about this man, under different names, LOADS of times recently and tbh you sound like this has taken over your life. I can see why you are disturbed by what has happend to you but again and again people on here have told you that you have had a lucky escape. To have no more to do with him and to rebuild your life for your sons sake.
I would actually go out on a limb here and say something that I never normally think. But I think your son is better off without a father figure like that. A man who has NO morals, who lies and steals and is agressive and violent towards woman is no role model for a little boy.
Have you been to see the GP? I think you may need anti depressents.

Look at it this way - better for him to not want anything to do with your son, than want full custody. Id get it in writing so he cant turn round in a few years time and try and take him off you...

You have a whole life ahead of you Enjoy it

Hello Carmenere, I have not posted on here loads of times difference alias's. I have asked some different questions about something that I find HARD to come to terms with. I have no family or friends as such to turn to for support and I won't be bothering MNetters again either.

Wheels - I dont think shes was telling you off! She was saying, you clearly are distraught by all this and because you've meantioned it alot, its obvious this man is a useless tw*t... dont go.

Are you trying to tell me that you are not Kikki?
I haven't said anything nasty to you whatsoever, I and many others have offered you support and advice and to say you are leaving because you don't like what I have said is, frankly, childish.

I have not said that I am leaving because of what you said. People go on Mum's net for support, not to be berated. It takes a lot of courage to post threads on here and if someone responds in the way you have then it is more than off putting. If not wanting to read anymore unsympathetic responses makes me childish then so be it.

Ok so then what did you want me to say? Poor you, that has been said Oh let me guess 6/7 times on this thread and probably 15/20 times on your other thread.
Yes he is a shit, yes he treated you apallingly, yes he took advantage of you, yes he stole from you, yes he lied to you, yes he is the lowest of low. You have all of our sympathy. There isn't a woman on here that doesn't feel for you.
But now you have to look after yourself and your ds. That is just the bottom line, you have a lovely little boy who has a creep for a father and needs a strong mum.
You say you have no friends and family, well I guarantee that your friends and family would be saying what I have said.
Go if you want, or stay, but my advice remains the same. I am not berating you, at all, I am trying to help you. You seem allconsumed by this dreadful situation and I am suggesting that you try to begin to get over it. I also think you should talk to your gp as if you are feeling depressed your ds needs a well mum and you need to help yourself to help him.

WABD i dont think anyone has been unsympathetic, just truthful.
This person is a first class s*it.
You really need to start to move on with your life for the sake of your son, and cutting this waste of space out of it altogether needs to be the stat.
Do you want this person as a role model for your son? Someone who thinks that being a man is sticking his dick in any sad cow who will have him then walking away when he does not want to play daddy?
Has he never heard of comdoms??? I guess he has no idea what responsibilty means?
And who is paying to raise all these children he leaves behind????

You need to let him be if not for your sake then for your son's. Do you want him to grow up with the role model of a father who has no marals and a mother too weak to have some self respect?

Walk away, however hard it is walk away.
Also i dont think it is fair to say the woman he left you for is to blame for ruining your life, HE was supposed to be in a relationship whit you and should have kept his dick in his pants, he is to blame for it and you are to blame for letting him keep doing it.

x posted with camenere, she puts it better then i do

I do think it's very difficult to give up on your dream of a happy home life with the father of your child. It's very very hard to let that go and it just does take time however much of a creep the father is. You're not the only woman who finds it hard to let go and move on despite all the evidence. I know lots of mums who feel the same.

It is hard to give up on your dream of a nuclear family. Yes my ex is not nice person at all but he didn't start out that way. If I came on here and said I was having an affair with a married man that had young baby. Wouldn't you all say, I should think about his child and not be so selfish etc. So why is it that the woman that bedded my husband is blameless. My husband has played a big part in the affair but she knew exactly what she was getting in to. At one point he stole my passport, birth certificate and marriage cert. I had to go to the police to get my passport back(I have never retrieved the others). When she comes on the phone to tell me that we are the same age and she knows this as she has seen my birth cert(something he denies taking) what am I supposed to believe. The only conclusion I can draw that they were planning to go to the home office and pose as me for various reasons.
Alot of people write things on here that I can't relate to and I certainly don't matter of factly reply to them telling them I am bored of their threads truth or not. You have the option of not replying.

This is something different again but really what DOES he want with your birth certificate? I would want that back. Can she not give to you?

You are not listening to what everyone is saying to you. Who gives a toss what that silly cow is doing with her life. Yes she has the morals of an alleycat, yes she probably was planning on impersonating you, she is going out with a criminal afterall. And he is a criminal and he did start out like that(glassing his wife in Jamaica?!?) and no matter how many excuses you make for him he always will be.
Now if you want to spend your life 'missing' the fantasy life that you think you could have had with this scumbag, go ahead.
As this is a public forum, I am riled by your post as I have taken time to genuinely try to help you.

Wheels and doll.. you have everyone's sympathy.. you have been treated appalling by a man who is clearly an extremely nasty piece of work.

Why are you so cross with Carmenere?

You can't change what's happened by hating this woman. Tell the police all you know/suspect about your stolen items and what they might have been used for and leave it in their hands. Yes you have every right to feel angry towards this woman.. but even more so towards HIM. This is a natural way to feel but eventually you have to move on from that for your own peace of mind.

Don't give up your dream of a happy family.. but please don't waste another moment thinking of 'what might have been' with HIM because the happy family you want will never be with him. If you start thinking about YOU and your son only and try to start putting all the bad stuff behind you, you will eventually be in the right frame of mind to want to meet someone else who you will have a much better chance of being happy with.

Good luck and post for support whenever you like. You WILL get sympathy and support from MNers but you will also get straight talking and advice.

How can you say your ex did not start out as a bad person he lied to you about being single, he walked out on his wife, he attacked his wife. Im sorry but these are not the actions of a "nice person"

The woman that had the affair with your husband is not blameless, but who cares? Blaming her achieves nothing.
Your husband was the one who made the commitment to you, not her. He is the one who deceived you, turned his back on you & left you unsupported with a child.
She didn't destroy your life - he did. However, now it is down to you to rebuild it - no one else can do it for you.
I've been there & done it for myself. It is a slow, painful process but I'm better for it & much stronger as a result.
Don't waste your energy on hating this other woman - focus your talent & skills on making a better life for you & your boy.

Thank you for your support. Carmenere, I am sorry for riling you. I have read your posts and I appreciate your straight talking message. I just got offended with how you began your inital reply. I got the impression that you were saying - oh you again with your same boring problems. You are absolutely right, I need to change my focus and concentrate on me and my son's future. Is message from everyone is the same - get rid and don't look back. Once again, I would like to apologise to you as I you have taken your time to offer me very helpful advice. Which I will heed!