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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with my dad, shitty text message

55 replies

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 08:52

A brief background re my dad. He EA my mum, they are now divorced. He was a pretty shit dad, never went out of his way for anyone .. When i came back from travelling he was supposed to pick me up and just didn't bother turning up, any Father's Day or bday present he would be very ungrateful and say 'is that it do I not deserve more?'

After the divorce we fell out as I obv sided with my mum. He would send me shitty messages saying how he heard my husband had been having affairs (which he hadn't) and how he would turn up at my wedding even tho he wasn't invited, how I didn't deserve his surname anymore and lucky I was getting married so I would have a new one etc etc

A few years past and DS1 was born, when he was 1 I decided I should try again with my dad and for the last couple if years my dad has been brilliant like a different man, very charming nice helpful etc.

I have not seen him for 3 weeks, I invite him every few weeks for Sunday toast to which lately he has been busy. Last week he calls and is very sarcastic sayibg he has not seen grandchildren and bet they have forgotten who he is etc. I respond that he is always welcome and that I do actually invite him over frequently for a roast. This is the man that didn't even bother getting the kids an Easter egg!!

So 2 nights ago I get this text "hi bingbong, dad here, is there any chance if me seeing my grandsons over the bank holiday, no invite nothing, do you and mr bingbong come and visit me, no. I'm their grandad and I want to see them, sort it out'

I knew it wouldn't be long before my dad's old habits come out. I know it's not that bad but it takes me back to the way he used to speak to us and his bullying ways.

So I reply very nicely that he is very welcome any time and how about lunch yesterday afternoon?

No reply

So I txt and say dinner in the oven are you coming? He says he can't come. I then say how about Sunday before 2 or Monday before 3. To which he replies let' sort something out next weekend when we both have more time. Clearly being sarcastic because I has to be something in the afternoons.

In fuming , he made such a song and dance yet I give him
Various options and I get turned down!!! My husband is awAy all this weekend until next weekend which he knows so it's quite hectic with two kids.

I have not replied again as I'm so scared of getting any abusive bulky-boy txt that I've left it.

But I need to get my point across and say that he shouldn't be sending me those txt messages. That I have him various options this weekend and again he didn't come so he can't be that bothered about seeing us? But then I don't want to get in to an argument.

Whst dhoukd I do just leave it,? Thanks

OP posts:

Branleuse · 03/05/2015 09:59

well its a big deal. It takes a long time to have had enough.
Youre getting butterflies because it hurts, and it hurts because it matters.

cozietoesie · 03/05/2015 09:59

I asked because much of his behaviour sounded like that of someone who had taken drink as well as an abusive personality - even the temporary period of 'niceness' would fit. (Sobriety and he was trying to be 'nice' for the grandchildren - just wouldn't/couldn't keep it going and the 'old him' came back.)

Nothing you can do about it, I'm afraid. It's not your fault, you can't fix him and you can't do anything to control him. I would just cut him out of your life altogether. (The notion of your relationship going 'terminal' sounds like a great thing to happen!)

You said that your son still remembered your father's behaviour from when he was 3? Don't allow the kids to have any more bad memories in that way.

Original poster

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 10:04

Thanks both.

Cozie: I do think he had had a drink for def, and is probably back on the drink. As you say, he had been very nice when I know he had given the drink up.

Thanks Branluese that is very true.

I do know I will get a shitty response which I also scared about.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 10:05

I like that you're going to take a stand.

Do it. You need to let him know you aren't going to accept his behaviour towards you.

Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 10:06

Do not be afraid darling. You aren't that little girl anymore.

Original poster

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 10:08

Thanks quite likey xxx

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 03/05/2015 10:11

BingBong

As Branleuse said, it hurts because it matters - to you. I'm sorry to say, though, that I doubt very much whether it matters as much to him. You're carefully crafting a text which I doubt he'll really read and I doubt equally whether he will clearly remember any response he makes.

What it does do is prolong the contact and the relationship and therefore give him someone to spew out bile to whenever he wants. I can't stop you making that last one try but I would advise against it.

Meerka · 03/05/2015 10:54

I think that your father has a highly patriarchal view; as grandfather he must be obeyed, respected and it is your duty to accommodate yourself entirely around him.

It's not the 1890's now. You're going to have to face that he's going to get nasty when you draw lines. It helps to plan how to deal with that nastiness. Some tactics: accept that it's going to be nasty. Try to step back mentally and see it as a text from a stranger. it's a pity your husband is away or you could ask him to read it first. Make sure your kids are near so when you read it, you can hug them and remember that you're standing up to him for them.

leave it half an hour before reading it, too. It's hard to do but putting it off helps break the mental conditioning from childhood that if he summons, you obey. Standing up to him is hard because you were conditioned to do what he said as every child is, and delaying reading is asserting a tiny bit of control.

Also plan a good bath + book that night, something to look after yourself.

Kasey86 · 03/05/2015 11:02

Block his number and him from your life IMO.
My dad is like this, he was violent to my mum when we were younger. When we were older 16 & 19 we got him a bday card and present and because the card didn't say dad on (it was a funny card instead) he threw us out of his house and we have had NC since.
Suits me just fine, he was a shitty sperm donor anyway ;)

Lailoo · 03/05/2015 11:15

He is bullying you now. If you continue with this relationship then he will emotionally abuse your children too. You have to protect them now. You have to stop this. Your children come first. Please don't let him do tge same to them. He is abusing you. No contact is your best defense. Ignore his threats. Have you read Toxic Parents? Very good insightful book but it does make you cry for the child you were who was treated so badly.

Original poster

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 11:38

Thanks very much for your kind replies, it is very helpful and in will also read that book.

Yes he is very much 'I am your father' in a very stern voice type dad.

He never sends my brother's shitty txt's just me.

Although he did EA my younger brother when he was younger, my brother now suffers from OCD and has counselling as a result. My brother used to work with him so spent a lot if time with him.

I am still trying to work out how best to respond, I know he will def reply as he has to have the word.

Hi dad, let's try and catch up next weekend seeing as you were unable to make any if the times I offered this weekend. I would also appreciate it if you did not send me any more txt messages like the one you sent to me Friday night as I will not respond next time, you were very rude and I will not put up with being spoken to like that again'

OP posts:

Original poster

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 11:39

The above will really piss him off but surely I've every right to stick up for myself !

OP posts:

Meerka · 03/05/2015 11:43

Yes you have. You know you have. Trust yourself, not his conditioning.

As said it's 2015. Not 1890 (and I've read some lesser known authors from that time; the best fathers never did the patriarchal I AM YOUR FATHER thing anyway, even then!)

Lailoo · 03/05/2015 11:43

Your response is still the child trying to appease the parent. Just don't respond to any texts for a week and see what happens. See if he will step up and apologise. He won't though. I'm not sure why you are even continuing to contact him though. He will do thus to your kids. Do you want them to have OCD?

cozietoesie · 03/05/2015 11:45

You certainly have - but even after all of these years of trouble, you're still trying to 'fix' things aren't you?

He can't be fixed.

Meerka · 03/05/2015 11:46

Just prepare yourself for NC. You are right, you have every right to be spoken to civilly. But he might not be able to accept that; authority might matter more to him than a relationship with you.

it hurts to end up NC but it's also a relief. You do have to grieve for the loss of the loving father of your childhood, which is a loss that comes at some point anyway; it's just when they still live, it's not quite as clean a wound. Give yoruself time and be kind to yourself.

Original poster

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 11:50

I think what it is is he was so nice for a couple of years, and was a nice dad and now he is slipping back.

I either txt him and he will def reply another shitty message and then it will go back and forth or I ignore him.

I'll think about it some more.

Thanks I appreciate your support and advice x

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 03/05/2015 12:09

Well whatever happens, people will still be here to talk to. Lots of luck.

Original poster

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 12:20

Thanks Cozie xx

OP posts:

Lailoo · 03/05/2015 14:42

You need to protect yourself from the pain he doesn't care that he is inflicting upon you. If you decide to leave it for a week or two then just get on with your life. After that time decide how you want to play things. This will give you proper time away from the situation to think what is right for you. Not what is right for him. Take Care.

NewLeaflet · 03/05/2015 17:34

I am unsure as to whether you will get any joy from trying to stand up to him - I'm pretty certain he will just get more abusive.

I'd say, if you do want to continue with occasional contact, just text "do you want to come at 2pm on Sunday? (or whatever)" and either accept a yes/no response. If he can't, don't give other options, just say 'oh what a shame, next time maybe'. That way you can invite him in one or two weeks more. Don't respond to any of the "oh, not seen the kids for ages" other than "yes, what a shame you couldn't make it".

Agree with a PP, you can't fix him. You may just about be able to manage the interactions so you can cope with them.

Meerka · 03/05/2015 18:02

gl, bingbong

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2015 18:05

Do not try and appease this man, you perhaps still on some innate level want his approval. He will never give you that.

This is about power and control; he is still emotionally abusive towards you. Your sibling developed OCD and has counselling likely because of his dad's ill treatment of him over the years; do not let that happen to your children.

He cannot use words against you if you give him no ammo to fight with; drop the rope now for your own sake.

ANY communique from you no matter how reasonable or nicely worded will be used against you by him.

You can do precisely nothing to help your dad and you cannot help someone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Your children too need to be protected from their malign influence of a grandfather.

You ultimately need to grieve for the dad you should have had, it was not and is not your fault he is emotionally abusive. Not without surprise either I notice that his own father was a controlling alcoholic; your dad learnt that from him (alcoholism can be learnt behaviour). Do not let a fourth generation i.e. your children be so affected.

pocketsaviour · 03/05/2015 18:46

I think what it is is he was so nice for a couple of years, and was a nice dad and now he is slipping back.

Yes - he was nice to try to reel you back in to feed his massive ego. Now it's all too much bother, and the mask has slipped.

Don't ever doubt he will be as shitty to your children as he is to you.

I would either not contact him at all, or just reply "Don't contact me again".

I'm bookmarking this thread for next thread we get with someone saying "My DH is shit to me, but he's a good dad, I'll stay for the kids sake." I would bet my house and car that your mum told herself that... It's such a shame your mum didn't lead by example in standing up to this bully.

I hope you can find the strength to put this cunt out of your life for good.

Hissy · 03/05/2015 19:10

Don't text him anything.

Leave him to text you. When he does, and if he suggests a day/time, text back "sorry, that's not covenient, will let you know"

And if he texts you with shitty text, don't reply AT ALL, never reply to any text that he is rude to you in. Only reply to him when he's civil. If he calls you and is rude, HANG UP. Every time!

If he says anything, you say that you won't be spoken to like that by anyone. Discussion over. And hang up, walk away or whatever.

I know you feel fear, but that is the little girl fear as quite said. You are not that little girl anymore. And you have all of us,

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