Help me prepare for visit from PA MiL please

[googietheegg]

Mil visits next week. I really want our relationship to be better for DH's sake but I find her company very difficult and quite upsetting. It's like she has no social skills at all - all those comments that you think of but know not to say, she says it's exhausting and after 10 years I find it too hurtful. Before I had do I could let it wash over me but now it's always stuff about how well she coped and how easy everything is for me.

I've read toxic inlaws which is good but a bit too impractical. I need coping mechanisms. I told her how she makes me feel a she just said 'that's how I am' and seemed almost pleased to hurt me in a 'under the radar' manner.

Do = dc

Ok first up, she's not going to change. So you need to change the way you deal with her.

Find a useful phrase to dismiss all her negative comments - along the lines of "really? but then everything was so different then, wasn't it"
or "hmm, how interesting"
or "shame you had such a struggle in life - I wonder why you'd wish the same on anyone else"

For your own sake - make it a game almost, to try and be as bland and polite as you can to every moan and snide remark she makes. Give yourself points out of 10 for each one. Think up some beforehand for specific remarks.

Is she like this with your DC as well, or does she reserve it just for you? Does your DH see/believe it?

Time to go on the offensive. If that's 'how she is' then this is 'how you are'. If she makes a sarky comment either do the 'wow, did you mean to be that rude?' Or if it's 'well in my day' type comment try 'well, your day was a very long time ago, after all'. You know her by now, think about what activities you're likely to do while she's there, what she's likely to say and then prepare your comeback in your head. Oh, and laugh at her, big belly laugh, like you've never heard anything so ridiculous, and do the pitying head shake afterwards. But mostly, your DH needs to step up and tell his mother what is/isn't acceptable in your home....

Or take the wind out of her sails when she makes the so easy for you comments
"I am glad you said that because it means my facade is working" said with a big smile (and gritted teeth).
My mother is the same.... in my day it was sooooooooo difficult, woe is me, aren't you lucky... blah blah blah.

I put it down to time lapse amnesia.

The other good one I heard was: 'Oh thank goodness times have moved on now.'

Agree with Thumb - you just need to develop coping devices. People behave in a passive aggressive way because they don't have the courage to be upfront about their resentments and insecurities. If you remember that, it will remind you that her behaviour is her weakness not yours.

She wants you to be hurt by what she says so don't give her the satisfaction or that kind of power over you. Look at her as a ridiculous figure in a sitcom and laugh pointedly when she makes a silly comment. This will irritate her and momentarily diffuse your anger and give you the chance to respond calmly rather than emotionally with a short but satisfying comment such as those suggested by Thumb. You will get better at this the more you do it.

My friend, who is a nurse , treats her PA MIL like a rather senile patient.

" yes dear, I'm sure you're right "

" really, that is interesting " ( in a tone that means how boring )

So similar to thumbs . She ever gives her any personal information eg if she's worried about how their teenaged DD is coping with exams, she would NEVER tell her MIL, she just talks in bland platitudes

" oh yes, Emma has her mocks right now, she's coping fine / it's a stressful time for them all " etc

Everything is fine / good/ great . MIL is a drama llama so gets bored without a juicy piece of gossip .

Her MIL is very manipulative , so if my friend said she WAS worried about her DD, granny would go to the girl and say

" your mother is worred sick about you , how can you be so lazy and not study, you will waste your life ! " etc. then say innocently

" I was just repeating what you said / doing it for her own good "

Also my friend gets her DH to do most on the interaction with his mother, which is only fair . He's not allowed to bugger off to work and leave her with the hassle ( which he would do if he could )

Another friend has a lot of headaches when her diffult MIL comes round ( the old ones are the best ) .

Oh and never EVER tell her she has upset you. She WANTS to upset you ,that's the point. Don't give her the satisfaction .

That's why the laughing suggested by the other posters is so good. She wants you to be devastated by her and put in your place . But instead you are laughing at how ridiculous she is . Or feeling sorry for her, like a senile paitent who talks rubbish but can't help it .

Someone on here once advices the in law bingo game - write down all the offensive things she normally says in a grid and check the off when she says it - it makes a game of it and takes some of the sting out

The other DIL ( of the same MIL ) amuses herself by doing competitive misery . So when MIL says

" you are so lucky , we only had three shillings a week and lived in a dustbin"

She replies " wow , you were so well off. My mother had only two shillings a week and shared a dustbin with two other families " .

Her own mother, who was lovely, is dead and she has struggled to cope with nasty MIL because she wasn't used to the manipulation and mind games . She used to get upset when MIl pretended to be nice and then stabbed her in the back .

Once when her kids were younger, she confided in MIL that she and Dh had been having a lot of rows . She wanted support - she didn't realise it was a fatal error. MIL then went to their children and said stuff like

" you can come and tell me if you are upset when mum and dad are fighting . Woudl you like to come and live with me instead ? "

Kids didn't know what she talking about thankfully

The bingo technique, combined with the polite nothingness of 'really?' 'dear me' 'Good thing thats a long time ago' and other phrases (you could even make a list and try to get through them all ) really works.

When FIL was being a complete pita, these were the only things that kept dh and me sane. We'd count up our bingo scores on the way home, and whoever lost had to buy the takeaway.

This is no help to you this visit, but for next time I think you need your dh on board. How much does he support you with your relationship with MIL? Will he be there or is he working/away?

In future, in your shoes, i think I would insist dh is there at all times - even if it means taking time off work, or only inviting MIL at weekends, or when he is definitely going to be there.

Also, I would mentally be playing MIL bingo and awarding myself glasses of wine to get through the visit.....

Great advice, thank you. I think acknowledging she is quite happy to make me feel bad is right, rather than thinking 'why would you say that!!?' So the laughing/smiling at the comments is a better defection.

Dh is great and doesn't want me upset (I'm 6 months pg) but also doesn't want me to be too sensitive as we both know what she's like.

"I really want our relationship to be better for DH's sake but I find her company very difficult and quite upsetting"

Who invited her or did she really invite herself?.

Why do you want this relationship to be better for someone else i.e. your DH. Do you still want to tolerate her for his sake?. It is really a mistake to think like the above, what does he think of his mother?. He is key here, its his mother after all. You would not have likely put up with any of his stuff from a friend or even your mother, his mother is really no different.

You feel like that because she is indeed difficult, she can and does get to you. She is a manipulative person and pushes buttons.

No one coping mechanism will help, you either put up with her or you do not. Playing mental bingo with her is all very well but you need more than that. You really need to establish more firm, higher and consistent boundaries and call her out on this each and every time. If she cannot or will not behave then she should really see none of you.

It is not your fault she is the way she is, you did not make her this way.

Second what Stacey said - no personal info. It comes back to bite you - I had 2 years of job adverts being sent to my work email address because of one time I moaned about a shit day at work.

Aha, so you're 6m pregnant too eh? Jolly good - then if she pushes you too far you have the perfect excuse to go completely hormental on her arse!

It might not achieve anything longterm but it might keep her away for a while.

Can you try sounding totally bored and saying, 'I know, you told me that.' whenever she starts up. It's a conversation killer and nobody likes being told they are repeating themselves.

If you do want to relationship to improve can you think of any activity that you might all enjoy together? Somehow doing things can be less stressful than endless pointless conversations. Or ask her about DH as a child? You do say you want things to improve so let's try to find a way of keeping you sane and possibly building a better dynamic between you all.

Btw, I do have practise at this.

You may be surprised to know that your MIL maybe might be anxious about coming to visit you. She is a human being after all.
You see, your children and your husband are her blood relatives but you are not. You have been thrust upon her and she has been thrust upon you. It is maybe not as easy for her to love you, and the other way round.
I am not suggesting that she hasn't done or said things she shouldn't, but then who is perfect?
As the relationship can be so difficult, it takes patientience and forgiveness, to get it half way right.

The first thing to do is is not to take what she says as personal critism. You are entitled to an opinion, so isn't she?
When she says things such as ' in my day we used loose tea leaves, and tea bags are rubbish' that is her opinion. It does not mean that she is necessarily criticising the way you do things.

If every time she expresses an opinion that is different from yours, you take offence and feel hurt, then it says something about your self esteem, really.

You don't have to see much of her, she doesn't really have much influence in your life and the only thing you can change is yourself and how you feel about her.
So, develop a thick skin, don't take her opinions as a critism, count ten and try and be yourself. Her words can't hurt you unless you allow them to.

I felt like you when I was young, eventually my MILs comments used to make me laugh. I never went NC.

Having a MIL is also not like being one.

"Oh it's so easy for you"

"Yes, well, I'm a great mother, not everyone is"

Disclaimer, I do NOT believe the above.

The award for Best Use of a Neologism in a Mumsnet Post goes to ThumbWitchedAbroad for her use if the word "hormental."

I am inspired! My goal will be to use this term at least 8 times today.

Oh thank you, but I don't claim it for my own - someone else has used it before and I too loved it and took to using it whenever possible!

From bitter experience of the alternative, let me say that it's wonderful your DH is on board with how you feel; just on that one issue, this could be a whole lot worse

Unfortunately it seems your MIL is only too aware of her behaviour - indeed she almost seems to relish it. As everyone's wisely said, you can do nothing about someone else's actions, only your own, which is why the coping strategies mentioned are so valuable

Where I live, if you are a guest in someone's house and they give you a cup of tea made with tea bags and you said " tea bags are rubbish " , it woudl be seen as rude and insulting . It's not seen as " having an opinion " .

I wonder what country you live in Hole ?

I'm more than able to let the 'tea bags are rubbish' type comments go over my head but it's the ones about me and motherhood that get under my skin. One example when dd was born was I said how hard I was finding breastfeeding and mil said 'we just got on with it' rather than be supportive in any way.

So the pp's post about not sharing anything personal (I thought it would be a chance to bond) hit a nerve - I won't be doing that again!!

Also, she mainly sits and reads when she's here. Some interaction with dd but not much - definitely no babysitting or helping in any way, not even making a cup of tea with bags or tea leaves!! It's exhausting.

You just say "Oh I know!" Cybil Fawlty style and carry on.