Help me prepare for visit from PA MiL please

[googietheegg]

Mil visits next week. I really want our relationship to be better for DH's sake but I find her company very difficult and quite upsetting. It's like she has no social skills at all - all those comments that you think of but know not to say, she says it's exhausting and after 10 years I find it too hurtful. Before I had do I could let it wash over me but now it's always stuff about how well she coped and how easy everything is for me.

I've read toxic inlaws which is good but a bit too impractical. I need coping mechanisms. I told her how she makes me feel a she just said 'that's how I am' and seemed almost pleased to hurt me in a 'under the radar' manner.

I'd leave her at home with her lovely son and grandchildren and go out . To the shops, hairdressers , the dentist or to visit a sick friend . Or some other essential place .

Alternated with staying at home but resting with a headache . Or bad tummy .

It's your DH job to entertain her, not yours. As a previous poster helpfully pointed out , " you are not her blood relative " .

I don't agree with the "it's just my opinion, Not criticism" view

I think that's a way to be rude and justify it

Someone I know does this and it used to drive the DIL to tears

For example "I think your breast milk is making him Sick - it's not reflux - it's you - it my day everyone used formula and babies weren't sick - you should use formula not breastfeed - just my opinion" ..... This is critical, offensive and rude

DIL now just goes "oh really ? Thank you. That's interesting " and keeps going.

So 1. Bingo 2. Don't talk about Personal challenges/fears/worries and 3. Placate/use standard platitudes

Ha! Funny you should say that LadySybil - before dd was diagnosed with reflux mil said she was crying because I was so stressed and 'I needed to be more relaxed'. Thanks for the support!!! Maybe I'd be more relaxed if you weren't sitting and reading and asking me what is for dinner while I'm trying to learn how to breastfeed!!!

Who invited his mother to visit?. Is she staying with you in your home?.

Can your DH deal with her effectively, after all this is his mother and he should step up here. Is he on your side re her or is he spineless when it comes to his mother

It's an awful thing to say, but I'm almost quite glad that my Mum died before DS1 was born, because I just know she'd have fallen into the camp of critical-to-be-"helpful" commenters. She was ever so good at it in other areas, no reason to suspect she would have held off in this one. I would certainly have been given the "why are you bothering to breastfeed, I only managed it for 3 days and then switched to formula, you're ok, why put yourself through it" chatter. My sister thinks it's "unnatural" to breastfeed so she didn't get any of that, of course. But I would have.

Definitely no discussing anything personal or important to you. Or in fact anything where a negative opinion (yes, can be very rude) will put a crimp in your day.

I'm always reminded of the bit from Anne of Avonlea where Mr Harrison says:
"I've got a habit of being outspoken and folks mustn't mind it."
and Anne replies:
"But they can't help minding it. And I don't think it's any help that it's your habit. What would you think of a person who went about sticking pins and needles into people and saying, `Excuse me, you mustn't mind it. . .it's just a habit I've got.' You'd think he was crazy, wouldn't you?

Exactly.

hrm, having MIL trouble myself, her steamroller tendancies have gotten way out of hand. That quote is rather useful

the other one that comes to my mind is that everyone has an opinion, same as everyone has an arsehole. Neither should be freely shared.

Isn't it a shame that we can't just be blunt and say, "Look, we can either be friends or enemies. If we're friends, we'll be glad to see you and support you whenever you need it. If we're enemies, we'll dread you coming and will try to avoid you as much as possible. Now, which is it to be?"