Making Friends Motivation Club/thread

[1000lemons]

Hi all,

I've noticed there are regularly threads on Mumsnet about people who don't have many or any friends. They really hit home with me because I'm in the same position.

I thought it might be a good idea to start a club/thread for those of us who want to make friends so that we can

1. Talk about the challenges of making friends as an adult.
2. Encourage each other to get out more in the face of anxiety and rejection!
3. Provide a space to rant in when we are feeling down.
4. Celebrate each others successes and achievements.
5. Try to identify the buffers and obstacles we face to making friends in a supportive 'constructive criticism' kind of way.
6. Be a positive and friendly space generally.

This thread isn't specifically for finding Mumsnet Friends, but if that happens as a by product - that's great!

If you are interested please add your story to this thread.

Hello my name is 1000lemons!

My Story

I'm a married SAHM of one, DS 3.

I used to have friends but since becoming a SAHM I've really struggled to make friends. I don't get much time to go out which doesn't help.

My 'issues'

• I'm a bit introverted
• I don't like drinking or boozy nights out which isolates me from many people
• I have some as yet unidentified thing which puts people off me, particularly women. I always seem to get pushed to the outside in female groups. I'm hoping to work out what it is that I do wrong!

What I'm doing about it

• Joined a local community gardening group.

• Attending a local craft night event.

• Joined an online friends socialising thing.

Brilliant idea! I'll be back to post when DS is in bed.

1000lemons, I'm a girly girl. We can be friends x I'd love to learn how to garden!

I've made some cracking RL friends of MNers over the last few years. I mean really true friends who I love.

I would recommend joining your local MN and if you can go to or organise a meet up.

Hi can I join ye.

I'm a sahm single mom of 3 dcs. I'm hoping to return to work in September, when my youngest starts school.
I have loads of interests, just lost my mojo and am slowing finding its returning.
My free time is limited as the dcs dad lives in the UK. And only sees them once a month.

Anyway I love gardening, reading, up cycling furniture and I've just restarted my family tree again.

Looking forward to chatting.

Hi

i'd like to join to please

I don't have any children, I work full time, I have a boyfriend who seems to not want to leave his mother, I don't live in the UK anymore, due to work and a variety of situations I don't fully understand my group of friends here have become distant and I am bored of being the first one to make contact to be turned down all the time. So I have gotten the hint and I'm not chasing them anymore. However now Im lonely. I miss girly chats and rants about minor and major things.

I'm an animal lover, i like gardening, reading, baking, cycling, swimming and dance fitness classes.

I don't like the rain, smoking, or wild drunken nights out.

People at work don't seem to want to chat outside of work, and as its an office environment discovering who I don't like or who actually doesn't like me could prove for a tense atmosphere and I like my job so will just except that they don't want to mingle. We all get along fine inside the office so that suits me

Hi all. It has been mentioned a few times but just in case you missed it there is a FB page called MN social. You don't have to add your mn user name its personal choice. That might help for either finding a RL friend or if you just want to drop in and chat.
Brilliant thread by the way!

Brilliant idea for a thread - thank you.

I had a lovely group of friends when I lived in London - lots of friends around from school, university etc. we moved away for DH's job and I naively didn't think it would be a problem.

We still meet up with London friends but most people work 4 days or ft, often with big commutes so meet ups are every 2-3 months rather than random evening after work.

DH is rarely home from work before 9 so it's very tricky to do any of the normal things like join a club or something. I get on with mums at school and go out with them etc and have a few people to meet up with children.

I'm really missing the casual 'fancy going to the pub' / can I pop round for a cuppa type friendships. Also, unless we see old friends it seems very difficult to make friends at the weekends!!

Sorry to be so whiny. Tips gratefully received!

Good morning everybody!

I'm so glad so many of you have joined this thread!

Motivational quote of the day

"Believe you can and you're half way there." - Theodore Roosevelt

I can really relate to the stories that have been posted about lack of time and the difficulties that come from moving away from established social groups.

something2say I don't really know anything about gardening but don't tell them that. . It's just grunt work really, digging and pulling out weeds so I can manage that.

goodbetterbest and Ouchbloodyouch, thanks for the tips. I've tried Mumsnet local in the past with no success unfortunately. I think it depends on your region though, so will be a good choice for other posters. I will think about giving the FB a go.

cailindeas Welcome, sorry to hear you don't get much time off, I know the feeling!

grasswasgreener I miss girly chats too.

citreneraindrop Not being able to do stuff in an evening really limits your options doesn't it.

Anyway hope I haven't missed anybody and welcome one and all!

This week I am going to a social club at the local craft shop. I've only been once before as it's a new group. The only problem is they all know each other from previous things. I felt quiet awkward sat there the last time and didn't feel like I had much to say.

It's in this sort of situation that in the past I've just given up and not bothered going again because I feel so awkward and drained. It really brings up my insecurities and reminds me of being the unpopular girl at school! This time however I'm determined not to give up and I'm going to keep persevering!

1000lemons

go for it. try and mingle and enjoy. Maybe start conversations using things in the craft shop as a water breaker. You never know what kind of conversation could follow on.

does anyone grow your own fruit and veg in summer or just mainly grow flowers? I'm a real novice. But a friends, friend grows loads of things and has a beautiful garden! My aim this year is to apply for a mortgage and buy a house. Then I can have my own garden and really get stuck into some horticulture. It will be a slow process though. hoping by maybe this time next year I will have my own little spot on the map

OP you have said that you are an introvert. So am I and it took me many years to accept that this is who I am and that I am not part of the " group" and never will be. I realised that Im actually happy this way and that I find friendships exhausting and draining and stressful. I also never follow the herd, which I feel is something other people pick up on and don't like. People like others to be like them so they can feel secure. When people don't fit others ideas of how people should be they tend not to mix with them. Maybe this is one of the reasons you find yourself on the outside of groups. Does that resonate with you at all.

I love talking to people though and enjoy many conversations when out and about or when working but I don't feel the need to take it any further. I read a lot on the introverts thread on Mumsnet and realised that I am not alone.

I cried over my lovely DH today as I've been feeling in losing contact with someone whose been one of my best friends for30 years as we are both so busy it's very difficult to speak or meet so it ends up texting which is rubbish!

We've come up with a plan. We have to each invite someone over for tea / barbecue/ drink etc each month for the next 3 and we'll see how if goes.

We're also going to do a kayaking course and join the local club as we've both enjoyed it the times we've done it.

Finally, he'll make sure he's in early enough once a week to let me join the local choral society.

I know all of these will take time but I feel better for having a plan!!

yay for plans

Hi. I'm a SAHM of 3. I adore my DH but I do wish I had some friends. Previously I was in a relationship with DV and lost touch with my friends. I then moved to a different area once I met DH.

I am working on meeting new people. I'm very shy though so it's really a struggle. Ive definitely got closer to some people in the last couple of months though so I'm getting there slowly. Having a young DC helps so much I think because the people I've met have been at baby groups and as I am so shy it's a bit easier talking about our babies.

Hi all.
I have found that in the last year or so, I've stopped making the effort. I really think in the past I had really bad judgement and a serious lack of boundaries. So I got used and found that people I thought were my friends were absolutely not. I dropped those "friendships" and done a load of counselling. But I'm afraid of letting my guard down with people. I really want to form new ones,so I'm determined to make myself.
So this week, my challenge to myself is to find a class or a group that I'd like to join and actually go to it.

Grasswasgreener I too am hoping to move to my own house in the summer. It has a huge garden, well field more like. So I'm looking forward to getting stuck into that.

Allinson2014 I too am very shy and very self conscious, I sometimes feel so out of place, like a bumbling idiot.
My ex is an alcoholic, hence the reason why he sees the dcs so little, but he was very emotionally abusive. He convinced me that nobody liked me and that I was a snob. So that plays in my head. But I'm trying to ignore that.

Anyway, here's to new plans

Hi, I'm a working mum of one. DD is 7.

Most of the mums around here are SAHMs so meet up when I'm at work. Also I don't drink so that causes socialising issues.

My work colleagues have their own wee cliques in work - single, live near each other - so I never get invited to join them.

My neighbours are mostly much older

I've tried evening classes, fitness classes etc to no avail. MN local is dead and the MN social group has no one near me.

I honestly don't know what more I can do!

Good morning meine lieblings!

Here is today's motivational quote

"Always do your best. What you plant now you will harvest later." - Og Mandino

Grasswasgreener I've only experimented with potted plants so far and I haven't done that well!

Lailoo Yes I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. My friendships have nearly always been on a one on one basis so perhaps I don't do well when I'm in a group situation because I am not a natural herd follower. Good insight.

Citreneraindrop I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day, but I'm thrilled to hear you have such a good plan! Please keep us updated on how it goes.

Allinson2014 I think we all know where you are coming from. I'm really glad you are making some progress!

Callindea I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so demotivated and have had such bad experiences. I really hope you do find a new group, please let us know what you decide upon.

Frankie80 I know where you are coming from with the non drinking thing. It drives me mad, just because I don't drink doesn't mean I'm not fun! Yet some people seem to see it that way. I also know the feeling of having run out of options, it can be incredibly frustrating. I hope something turns up for you soon!

I hope I haven't missed anyone out!

I've been reflecting on how trying to meet friends is like dating only worse! At least when you are dating you know 'the rules' to a certain exist. You either get on or you don't, you kiss or you don't. You become a couple or you don't. It's much clearer I think.

With friendships it's so much more ambiguous. When do you cross the line between acquaintances and friends? You can't exactly say to someone 'are you my friend now.'

Anyway hope you all have a fantastic day!

Thanks for inspiration 1000lemons! Need some today. 4.5 hours sleep is not wise. Why is it serious and usually long conversations with partners happen at night when going to bed as apposed to middle of the afternoon? Found I hadn't really had any kind of deep conversation with my partner so caught up last night making sure we still on same page about things like accidental pregnancies, marriage and the general future. I need better planning. Zzzzzz.

Anyway, today in my sleepy state managed to chat a nice lady at lunch about her gym classes and her long weekend. She returned the conversation and asked about mine. Was very nice and enjoyable mingling

Does anyone else get worried about whether someone likes you or not? I have nice conversations with people and feel like we're getting on and then later start to worry that they're just humouring me, or waiting to talk to someone better?!

I've been doing some mindfulness but still have days when I just feel such a fool it's not worth trying to make friends :-(

I'm friendless. My background/upbringing has made it difficult for me to maintain a conversation beyond basics such as 'Hi, how're you?', as I was raised in a religion that discouraged interaction with non-members. Conversations therefore revolved around the religion (considered to be a way of life rather than 'just' a religion), and very little else. When I left the religion, I lost all my 'friends'.

I'm also a bit of an introvert, and I'm quite boring. I have one 8yo son, and married a lovely man last year (not DS's father). My interests are reading and crime dramas mostly. I do like to go out for a drink occasionally, but I only have a couple. To be honest, I have no idea how to start a friendship!

I've joined a couple of the FB groups and MN local, but everyone lives miles away, I can't think of anything interesting to say and my local MN board is dead! I don't mean this to sound quite so woe-is-me as it seems, honestly!

Citrine Yes, I am convinced that everyone finds me dull and can't wait to get away. Or they enjoyed a brief conversation with me, but aren't remotely interested in having another one!

Today I found out that a new girl in my daughter's class, plus her mum, have the same disability as me.

That's a playdate I might try to arrange although DD tells me she doesn't like this girl because every time she speaks to the girl, the girl 'ignores her' :(

Hi everyone. I think I'm a bit weird really - from my early twenties I was involved in a relationship with a man who was very abusive. He very subtly drove wedges between me, my friends at the time, my family, our children, and finally my sanity. Thank god I managed to send him packing eventually, but I now find myself in my 30s with no real friends. Even though he was an absolute bastard I relied on him emotionally.

Nowadays when it comes to meeting new people and taking acquaintances to the next level I think I self-sabotage without even realising it. Growing up I reached the point of accepting my weirdness, and now I think I'm maybe too uncompromising - i won't dress to please others or to fit in. I'll say things which even I know are a little odd and then beat myself up about it when the other person doesn't share my weird sense of humour.

I also think the stress and loneliness of my life has done something odd to my appearance - I opened the door to someone a few weeks ago - and he looked visibly taken aback to see me. - And he must see quite a lot of weirdos going door to door! I'm a hag, basically. A

TtipParty "i won't dress to please others or to fit in. I'll say things which even I know are a little odd and then beat myself up about it when the other person doesn't share my weird sense of humour."

I actually like you already

Citrine I feel exactly the same way as you, even if someone invites me somewhere I give them loads of get-out clauses in the lead-up as I'm convinced they're just being polite and don't really want me there. Then I let things fizzle as I don't feel confident enough to initiate contact...ironically my friendlessness has become self-fulfilling!

Hi everyone. I could do with some support, too! I often go without weekends without talking to anyone

I'm single, no kids, and late 30's. I've always found it difficult to make friends, preferring my own company, and I've also pushed some people away, too many people in hindsight - I really regret this. My other issues are that I feel self-conscious that I'm not in a 'good' job and am awkward with some people, especially new people. I'm paranoid that people think I'm boring and get anxious when friends don't text back immediately. I honestly don't feel I am dull - just a classic introvert and I think when you're an extrovert it can be hard to be among people who're the opposite. One particular friend who I used to be close with for more than 20 years has pushed me away now that I no longer lend her money so I'm feeling a bit mistrustful about people's motives. Also I tend to dwell on the past - 'if only I'd made more effort at Uni with making friends' for example - which doesn't help. I'm temping at the moment so it's hard to make friends when I'm gone after a few weeks.

My goodness, it's becoming harder to make friends as I get older, but I think we all know that.

What I'm doing about it:

I recently got back in touch with an old colleague, met up with him last week and enjoyed it, meeting up with him again next week so hopefully this will turn into a friendship.

Also thinking of reactivating my Facebook to get back in touch with some people I've lost touch with. I may just get some email addresses and deactivate again - I mainly deactivated because I felt self-conscious about not having many friends on there and was never the type to post much anyway. But I do think not being on FB for a few years hasn't helped with maintaining some friendships.

Going to join a yoga class, and another course in the new autumn term, one with a practical theme.

Thinking of moving away to another city and applying for permanent jobs not just in the city I currently live in. I feel like I need a fresh start in general.

I've realised I need to spend less time online. I do feel a bit about how much spare time I have compared to some of you! I really need to be more constructive when I'm not at work.