I have a history of emotional issues. I attempted suicide years ago, my family were all very angry with me as a result (all I remember is their anger and frustration with me).
Over the years I sort of recovered though I took for granted, and accepted (still do, to this day) that I was on a step lower than everyone else. This nearly broke me at times but I survived it.
I met my now DH whom I loved and still love very much. I had DS who was 3 months premature with brain bleed, less than alb when he was born. He has severe disabilities & will always be highly dependent both physically & mentally.
I can't describe what an horrendous experience this was; coming to terms with his disability, nearly losing him several times, learning to deal day to day with his issues. To try to explain what it was like would be like describing on here the contents of a sewer. I have this feeling that I need to protect everyone else from the true hideousness of it.
I am scarred, marked for life. Ever since I have felt that everything in my life has to go wrong, it has to go to the bad because I am a marked, scarred person.
I have tried to carve out a career so can provide better for DS and us. I have tried to fight back; have got myself qualified in my field and got what work experience I can. It has been a difficult job market but have had a succession of interim/contract roles. I have been trying to get something more permanent but my work record has counted against me: 'Why have you had so many roles? You seemed to have moved around so much' - as if it was a choice?
I actually got a conditional job offer for a permanent role - was so happy! But now it seems that this role is going to fall through because there is an issue with a previous employer who supplied an unsatisfactory reference (posted elsewhere about this). I know that I am going to lose this job, because that is what happens to me. I have been left to worry about it over the bh weekend just to ensure that I suffer to the maximum. I expected to start a new job next week but have been advised that won't be happening now.
I talked to my GP a month ago…advised him that I was needing support as I thought I might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have heard nothing….and what's more I won't as my GP is useless. I can't seek any treatment privately as I am unemployed.
I fear that I am a marked person and were it not for my DS and DH I would be better off dead. I have recently contemplate whether it would be better for me to be dead and what I would need to do to arrange that. I don't want to do desert DS, DH or my family though. I want to try to do the right thing. Sometimes that - that 'wanting to do the right thing regardless' is literally all there is.