I am finding things so tough, I love my family but fear that I am fated to have a hard time'. (title edited by MNHQ)

[Livingtothefull]

I have a history of emotional issues. I attempted suicide years ago, my family were all very angry with me as a result (all I remember is their anger and frustration with me).

Over the years I sort of recovered though I took for granted, and accepted (still do, to this day) that I was on a step lower than everyone else. This nearly broke me at times but I survived it.

I met my now DH whom I loved and still love very much. I had DS who was 3 months premature with brain bleed, less than alb when he was born. He has severe disabilities & will always be highly dependent both physically & mentally.

I can't describe what an horrendous experience this was; coming to terms with his disability, nearly losing him several times, learning to deal day to day with his issues. To try to explain what it was like would be like describing on here the contents of a sewer. I have this feeling that I need to protect everyone else from the true hideousness of it.

I am scarred, marked for life. Ever since I have felt that everything in my life has to go wrong, it has to go to the bad because I am a marked, scarred person.

I have tried to carve out a career so can provide better for DS and us. I have tried to fight back; have got myself qualified in my field and got what work experience I can. It has been a difficult job market but have had a succession of interim/contract roles. I have been trying to get something more permanent but my work record has counted against me: 'Why have you had so many roles? You seemed to have moved around so much' - as if it was a choice?

I actually got a conditional job offer for a permanent role - was so happy! But now it seems that this role is going to fall through because there is an issue with a previous employer who supplied an unsatisfactory reference (posted elsewhere about this). I know that I am going to lose this job, because that is what happens to me. I have been left to worry about it over the bh weekend just to ensure that I suffer to the maximum. I expected to start a new job next week but have been advised that won't be happening now.

I talked to my GP a month ago…advised him that I was needing support as I thought I might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have heard nothing….and what's more I won't as my GP is useless. I can't seek any treatment privately as I am unemployed.

I fear that I am a marked person and were it not for my DS and DH I would be better off dead. I have recently contemplate whether it would be better for me to be dead and what I would need to do to arrange that. I don't want to do desert DS, DH or my family though. I want to try to do the right thing. Sometimes that - that 'wanting to do the right thing regardless' is literally all there is.

[ChillySundays]

The SN section on here has a teen section and I am wondering if it is worth you starting a thread on there as well as there may be others going though the same and can direct you in the right direction.

I wish I could more practical advice but I have no experience and am just looking at it from any old person's point of view.

I don't know how long it takes for help but it has been a month so I would call the surgery and chase. When I have been waiting for a referral to a consultant I have rung up the secretary at the surgery to check if a letter has been sent. Worth a try.

[Livingtothefull]

You're right ChillySundays not to be judgmental, I know it is wrong of DS to be aggressive and what's more he knows that too…but I am not in his shoes, he has lost out on so much in his life.

I try to tell him that it is OK to feel angry, that we all feel angry and sad at times but it is a no no to hit or swear at people. I try to explain to him that he can't make people do what they don't want to do. Many children will probably 'get' this after explaining a couple of times but I have to repeat this over & over in the hope that he 'gets' it.

He loses privileges until he calms down & apologises, he does understand when he is wrong. I think his tantrums frighten him even more than me.

Yes I have asked GP for help re his psychological state, have chased a couple of times but have heard nothing. Have also asked for follow up re care & counselling for me - again, nothing (latest I followed up was a month ago so maybe I need to wait longer?)

I am worried that if I imply I am not coping that could backfire on us.

[ChillySundays]

Living Read the teenager section on mumsnet and there will be plenty of threads about attitude and but it is not right to be violence (although there are threads like that). I understand that your son is very frustrated so am in no way being judgmental.

You need to go to the GP and get some help. Are there any local charities that can help? We are here for you we can't provide the practical help required in real life

You are not a bad parent and do not think that needing help is an indication of this. If it is then most of the people who post on mumsnet are bad parents.

[Livingtothefull]

I am feeling a bit uncertain again….my DS had a meltdown temper tantrum, hit me really hard twice in the face & tried to bite me, upturned some furniture. I had to leave him to calm down, he apologised later…..I know he was really sorry, I told him to talk to me about what was making him sad & he told me a little.

He has v limited vocabulary so it is hard for him to put into words how he is feeling, no wonder it gets too much for him at times.

He is a dear boy really but I am conscious that he is a young teen, growing up & stuck in a wheelchair so difficult to burn off energy, can't interact with peers etc. For the first time I felt that I couldn't control him & he could really hurt me if I wasn't careful.

Can regular teens be like this also? I feel q isolated again & fear I am a bad parent to him….do worry about his future when we are not around. He has no siblings.

I will review my job app letter, want it to be as good as it can possibly be. I am scared that I will never find a job again…..am always catastrophising, worrying about things that are unlikely but theoretically really could happen!

[Livingtothefull]

Yes ceslavie I can try to talk the demon down, I don't want to be a 'poor victim' forever. In reality there is no giving up when you have a DC to care for so, onwards and (albeit irregularly and intermittently) sort of upwards - I hope.

I have done the 'well crafted' job application letter so see if any good comes of that.

[Livingtothefull]

Hallo WhistlingWoman, thanks so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you lost one of your Dtwins.

Yes I know how such experiences make you feel very isolated and that nobody has not been through it could possibly understand. I know I and my DS are not alone at all and many undeserving people have gone through similar.

I know rationally that there are no 'marked' people; that misfortunes happen at random and that we have to try to fashion happiness out of what is left in their wake. But yes extreme trauma can affect the mind and even the intellect, to make views such as 'I am a person singled out for misfortune' make perfect sense at times. So although I don't really believe it it comes back to haunt me periodically.

I hope you found the Youtube link interesting/helpful….& all my dear wishes to you & your loved ones.

[AWhistlingWoman]

Oh living - your post really struck a chord with me. I'm so sorry for all you have been through, with your DS and in the past. I'm sorry your family weren't (or couldn't be) kinder and that your DS has been through so much and faces an uncertain future.

All your achievements are amazing, to have got your qualifications and some experience, all whilst caring for your DS. I'm sorry that the job offer in the OP didn't come through but it sounds like you might have had some misgivings anyway? This latest one sounds good. I think you have got some brilliant advice from sakura and many other posters on this thread.

I wanted to comment because I also had extremely premature babies and blamed myself. The outcome was different to your DS, I had twins. One of my babies died in NICU and the other is, for her gestation, in pretty good shape. I think I stuck a toe in that sewer you describe. Or my own personal version of that sewer. It leaves you feeling pretty lonely afterwards, you don't really want to tell anybody what it was like down there because you want to protect them? And they couldn't really understand anyway?

Initially I strongly felt that my babies were born so early because I was a bad person, I was marked and cursed and rotten. And they suffered because I tried to have children, dared to try to do something obviously not 'meant' for me. Which made me an even worse person! Because I knew I was cursed and tried to have children anyway?! It sounds mad written down doesn't it?! But these extreme situations can push you into a pretty extreme state of mind!

Such a horrible, horrible spiral to be sucked into. But you do know it isn't true living? Really? I hope?

One of the nurses looking after the girls asked me if I thought that every other parent with a baby in the NICU was the same, rotten and cursed. And of course I didn't. Do I think that you, living, are a marked person who is destined only for the bad things in life? Of course I don't. I read your posts and I am full of admiration.

It is NOT an easy feeling to shake and I sometimes still get the feeling that there is a demon prodding me for his own amusement but cest is right - nature is random, disability is random, so much that happens in our lives is entirely beyond our control.

Sorry that you have not managed to get any support from your GP, prolonged periods of uncertainty are the worst and will take a huge toll on anyone.

Sending you and your family loads of unmumsnetty hugs (()) off to go and watch the Youtube video you have recommended and buck myself up!

[cestlavielife]

So tell that demon.. "you can try but you won't get me down " ...
Yeh I got disabled ds too. It is what it is.

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks again for ALL your posts. You, not me, are the ones who have done the real challenge of reading, empathising with and responding to my spontaneous outpourings on here & I do so much appreciate it.

You are right cestlavielife that misfortune happens randomly, so many sweet people like my DS are struck by it so it couldn't be any other way. I have to get past this idea that there is a demon up there who has particularly dedicated himself to giving me a hard time, poking at me with his pitchfork every now & then whenever he gets bored.

[cestlavielife]

no you are not cursed or blighted - it is just life. life sends challenges... some people seem to get more but it is nothing they did or didnt do.

have you ever planted a packet of seeds? some grow well, some dont...nature is random. disability is random.

onwards and upwards...you sound like you can dig in your reserves to find strength and move forward...get support if you need to.

[Livingtothefull]

The attached I have found helpful… i.e. it is normal for life to be tough, and it is not some massive injustice/curse being inflicted on me.

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks Olivia, I will try to get any available support and thanks for changing the thread title to one more appropriate & accurate.

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

Hello again living
Hope you are feeling brighter - we would again urge you to continue to seek RL support.
Kindest

[ChillySundays]

I didn't see your thread until today. I am so glad you realize that you are better off alive. I would still find another GP to see just to talk things over and try and get some help for your DS.

On the work front try not to get too worked up (easier said than done I know) . Times are hard and it is not always easy. As I often say gone are the times of jacking in a job on a Friday and walking into a new one on Friday.

Every time you take on a short contract it is more experience for you. Could you put on your CV that the roles were temporary so it explains why there is a lot of movement?

sakura is right about women faking it. A number of people at work have said to me 'you are always happy' . What they don't know is I feel like shit as I am so stressed that I am no sure how I don't just sit there sobbing. At the same time there are a couple who do know how I feel so make sure there are people you can talk to. Your DH sounds lovely by the way

All the best and hope you get the job.

[ALaughAMinute]

I wouldn't worry too much about the title of the thread. I feel sure the moderators would have changed it if they thought it could be a potential trigger for someone feeling suicidal or depressed.

I am glad you sound a lot brighter than you did this morning - you've rewritten your CV and applied for a new job so it sounds as if you've done some good work. Don't dwell too much on what you said a few days ago. What matters is the here and now and you are sounding a lot more positive than you did a few days ago. Be kind to yourself and take one small step at a time.

You are quite clearly a strong woman and a fighter - you may have your dark moments but you don't sound like someone who wants to give up. Keep fighting and come back to tell us how you are getting on. I hope you hear some good news on the job front soon.

[Livingtothefull]

That is good advice claravine, I think I need to stress how much I (genuinely) rate the company and the product. It is easy to fake these though, how are they to know I am genuine, unlike the other candidate over there saying exactly the same things?

And yes I know I need to play the game and give them what they want to hear…..employers make a lot of noise about wanting individuals who are genuine, the term 'authenticity' gets bandied around a lot, but for the most part it means nothing and candidates say/do what is expected. I don't think it has to be that way and wish it wasn't but ho hum. I am highly skilled at not really being me.

[claravine]

Job applications are all part of playing the social game, at this stage I would focus on your passion for the business/product.

[Livingtothefull]

I should say that it is a job ad not an actual job! (not yet, as I well know nothing is so simple).

How bizarre life is, I am odd too and I don't know where life oddness ends and my oddness begins. A few days ago, I wrote that I was a person marked for misfortune and by rights should be dead. Now, I am trying to write that I am an exceptional person who is head and shoulders above all competition. Where am I in all this?

[Livingtothefull]

I think I might ask to change the title of this thread. It was stated during one of the darkest moments but I really don't believe I would be happier dead….wouldn't be with my sweet DS, DH & other loved ones would I? It is my duty to them not to despair.

And I don't want to risk writing anything triggering to readers, I don't want to harm anyone. I don't want anyone to mistake a cry of anguish uttered as felt in the moment, for utter and terminal despair.

I found a really good and appropriate job at a company which I have been interested in long time & am also their frequent customer. Candidates have been asked to write a 'well crafted letter' explaining why they want to work for them & why they would be an asset. I have to be as articulate as I can contrive to be but don't really know where to start….not currently in the mood to stand out from everyone else but as you say I need to 'fake it'. So am trying to put the thing together now…

There you are, you see that mine are not the preoccupations of a suicidal person. I am by nature, if not exactly a happy, at least a 'wannabe happy' person. So think the thread title is wrong and needs changing

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you all for your support. Dowser: yes I know the 'trying to run through treacle' feeling so well…..wanting to run but being forced to plod laboriously.

I was about to write that I have spent this morning 'fighting back' but it is so ingrained that life is a battle, why does it have to be like this?

I will rephrase though and say that I have been trying to use this morning constructively, rewriting my CV to be better presented and ensure that there is no chance it can be misconstrued again..I also sent CV through to another agent about potential role so fingers crossed.

It has helped me that yes DH has been supportive, I would worry that he might blame me for the job falling through but he just said 'it's just one of those things, don't get upset about it, they (prospective employer) sound like a nightmare anyway'. I feel guilty that I am not earning/contributing to the family, am trying to live on a shoestring but DH even said if I want anything, a treat etc to just let him know.

I suspect that you are right sakura, that others put on a front and are not as confident as they appear. I am not so good at doing that when feeling v fragile but have to try. And yes it is hard to cope with everything else going on when there is this huge worry about DS condition and future.

I have to go to DS neurologist appointment shortly (this is par for the course for us I'm afraid', will resume constructive, proactive courses of action later!

[sakura]

What you went through with your son is unusually hard. It's not as though others have been through something similar and just cope better. Your way of describing it as being like describing a sewer and wanting to spare others from hearing it is one of the most moving lines I've ever read on a page. You are extremely articulate and clearly very bright and intelligent.

It's not just what happened to your son at birth. It's all the medical professionals you have to deal with, the appointments. The constant worry about how he will fare in the future. It would test anyone's sanity.

About your job: try to remember that everybody has setbacks, even those women who come across as confident.

One word of advice and it sounds strange and perhaps a little mercenary, but it's "Fake it until you make it". All those competent women you see, wel most of them are just putting on this front. And it works for them because unfortunately we live in a world that judges us by appearances not for who we are. So just fake a happy face in work. Others will slate me for this by saying you should deal with the underlying causes of your unhappiness, but at the end of the day how can you deal with something so tragic as what happened to your baby? That is something that stays with you forever. Your success in your work is clearly important to you, as it should be, so fake it until you make it is the best advice I can offer. That's what I do anyway.

[LesleyKnopeFan]

Great post Dowser.

[LesleyKnopeFan]

Please, please, please see another GP. You don't need to feel like this, you need support and help.

To you for what you are going though and massive kudos to you for dealing with what you have in recent times.

You are stronger than you think.

I am wondering if your family's reaction was just pure shock and that clouded their worry and upset?

Please keep coming on here, you'll find lots of people that understand how you are feeling/have felt and can offer advice or positive stories about getting the support you need.

You are not alone, am offering you a hand to hold.

[ALaughAMinute]

Please, please don't give up. Talk to your GP and DH and explain your feelings. As someone who has suffered with depression in the past, I want to send you a big hug and positive thoughts.

I'm going to work now but I will be thinking about you. Please come back to us to let us know you have been to see your GP. There are people out there who will support you and understand. Don't give up. You may be in a dark place right now but life is worth living. X