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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up with his drinking.

45 replies

ginnedupmummy · 06/11/2006 20:46

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OP posts:
Pages · 06/11/2006 21:12

Does he do anything other than talk nonsense when he is drunk? I don't think many women like their men drinking that much and especially going on a bender but if it is only now and again and he just gets silly it might be something you just have to accept if you really love him. He sound like he has a lot of redeeming features and no-one is perfect...

tribpot · 06/11/2006 21:15

eh? He's pissed at lunchtime, this is poor. He's pulling sickies from work, this is poor. What do your children think when their daddy can't be seen for days on end? Sorry - this is not normal.

lulumama · 06/11/2006 21:26

can you go to Al-Anon and get support for yourself..from the little i know about this, he won't seek help until he is willing to admit his driniking is out of control and he is an alcoholic...drinking for a whole weekend, drinking in the morning and missing work are more than a 'bit of a drink problem' - maybe you can ask you GP re support for yourself and what is availble for him if he wants to stop drinking

this must be awful for you and the kids, especailly when he is such a nice man when not drinking...sorry not to have more advcie to give...

Original poster
ginnedupmummy · 06/11/2006 22:07

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lulumama · 06/11/2006 22:26

wish i had some more consructive advice for you.....

controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2 · 06/11/2006 22:34

from your op he has a real problem with alcohol. from your last post it sounds like you are in denial about this.... sorry if that sounds too blunt but things are hardly going to improve if you dont think there is a serious problem to be tackled.

Original poster
ginnedupmummy · 06/11/2006 23:07

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zookeeper · 06/11/2006 23:26

You sound like you're describing my dp! Throughour our ten years he's had an on/of drinking problem - he's barely touched a drop for the last ten months but for me there's always the fear that he may start again. Even when he is drinking he's more irritating than agressive or obnoxious. He tends to become quiet and introspective

things became easier for me when I realised that I couldn't change him but that I could change myself and my reaction to him. I decided that our relationship isn't ideal but in many ways it is a very happy one.

What depresses me most about it when I think of it is that my father was a heavy drinker and I wonder if, deep down, there is something about men who drink that I find attractive or compelling. Why else would it be that daughters of alcoholics often end up with alcoholics? I would hate my daughter to end up with a drinker. Am I setting up a pattern for her to follow?

Sorry to have gone on but it's late and I,m feeling philosphical!

Original poster
ginnedupmummy · 06/11/2006 23:46

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zookeeper · 07/11/2006 00:10

I hope the counselling goes well - if you get to the bottom of it you must tell me !!

It's nice to know I'm not alone as it can be very lonely - if dp was an out and out drunk on a park bench it would be easy to leave him - in some ways the fact that he can be lovely and sober most of the time makes it harder to understand. I've watched my dp wrestle with it for years and do feel that in some ways it's an inner compulsion that he can't control. Should you leae someone for something they can't control?

Starrmum · 07/11/2006 07:54

I'm sorry to be blunt, but both of you have partners who have problems with alcohol.

You may not choose to call them alcoholic, but if this is behaviour they can't change then it indicates an alcohol problem.

You have some very difficult decisions to make - not least of which is do you deserve to live your life this way? Don't you deserve better?

Hope your counselling helps, but don't deny what you probably already know.

zookeeper · 07/11/2006 08:07

It's obvious we have partners with problems with alcohol - the point I am making is that it's not simply a matter of thinking that your dp/dh is an alcoholic and then leaving him,just as you would not automatically leave a partner who was intermitently sick or had some other problem.

Starrmum · 07/11/2006 08:13

Nor did I say that you should leave him - but deciding how you're going to live your life and preserve your self esteem is critical.

(and I'm not trying to belittle the problem - I really appreciate that this is a difficult situation)

zookeeper · 07/11/2006 08:33

but I have done that - in my earlier post i said that I had made a conscious decision that I couldn't change him but that I could change myself. This meant that I no longer checked his receipts to see if he had bought drink when he wnet to the shops, marked the bottles to see if he had been dipping in to them and looked around for empties in odd places, which I am sure is behaviour that will ring a bell of anyone living with a person who has an alcohol problem. Luckily for me, this coinincided with him deciding that he had had enough of it which is why he hasn't drunk for months now.

It seems to be a terribly difficult thing to give up if it has you in its grip - look at George Best with all his money and fame. He couldn't stop. I suppose all addcitions are the same.

I''m not really sure what point i'm making now! I suppose it's that, like domestic violence, a lot of people's reaction to a person living with it is that that person is mad to stay. It's not that simple and it's not tha black and white and I just wanted to offer my support and understanding to another mum who knows what it is like.

zookeeper · 07/11/2006 08:38

but I have done that - in my earlier post i said that I had made a conscious decision that I couldn't change him but that I could change myself. This meant that I no longer checked his receipts to see if he had bought drink when he went to the shops, marked the bottles to see if he had been dipping in to them and looked around for empties in odd places, which I am sure is behaviour that will ring a bell of anyone living with a person who has an alcohol problem. Luckily for me, this coinincided with him deciding that he had had enough of it which is why he hasn't drunk for months now.

It seems to be a terribly difficult thing to give up if it has you in its grip - look at George Best with all his money and fame. He couldn't stop. I suppose all addictions are the same.

I''m not really sure what point i'm making now! I suppose it's that, like domestic violence, a lot of people's reaction to a person living with it is that that person is mad to stay. It's not that simple and it's not that black and white and I just wanted to offer my support and understanding to another mum who is experiencing it. I don't have answers.

zookeeper · 07/11/2006 08:41

bugger! - does anyone know why that happens? I write a message, read it and change it a bit, can't remember if i posted it and then check and it's not there. press post and up it comes , twice!
And I haven't even had a drink!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2006 09:20

ginnedupmummy

You are continuing what you have seen in childhood - you grew up with an alcoholic parent and now you have an alcoholic partner.

You are acting as his enabler and you have become conditioned to acceptance as you can see no way out for your own self. He cannot or will not stop drinking for anybody. Drink to him comes first and always will be paramount in his life.

noddyholder · 07/11/2006 09:24

He does sound like an alcoholic.It isnot the frequency or amount but the compulsion and the effect of alcohol when you do drink.If his life is affected by alcohol it is a problem as most people who drink don't find it affects their life.My dp has been in recovery for about 14 yrs and I was the same as you loved him to bits sober but unbearable drunk.He is so much happier now and so am I

Original poster
ginnedupmummy · 07/11/2006 17:09

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lulumama · 07/11/2006 18:49

i think the fact his drinking...whether it is alcoholism or binge drinking or whatever you want to call it.....is making you question your relationship..is important.

FWIW.....i don;t think having a 48 hour bender and having to call in sick is ok..especially if he has had benders before

like you say..it;s what you can put up with...and the children...

'i love him to bits..only when he;s sober'- that is quite a telling remark.....my DH never gets drunk to the point i think i don;t love him anymore....ever.

don;t want to be harsh,....he is either an alcoholic or on his way to becoming one....and that is not a good situation to be in.....

lulumama · 07/11/2006 18:50

but if it is outweighed by the good, then can you sustain a healthy relationship despite this? how often will become too often,in your mind?

noddyholder · 07/11/2006 18:52

There are not degrees of alcoholism you either are one or you aren't.It really has nothing to do with quantity or frequency more to do with the outcome of drinking and how it impacts your life.

Original poster
ginnedupmummy · 07/11/2006 19:03

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lulumama · 07/11/2006 19:11

of course all out DHs do things to wind us up

like not putting the rubbish out

or leaving 1/2 an inch of milk in the carton and leaving it in the fridge etc

not drinking to the point of having to call in sick.......

if you love him and want to make it work great..maybe you don;t want to hear that it looks like a drink problem..i don;t know.....i hope you things are ok for you......

southeastastra · 07/11/2006 19:17

i agree with pages, how old is he ginnedupmummy?