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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up with his drinking.

45 replies

ginnedupmummy · 06/11/2006 20:46

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ginnedupmummy · 07/11/2006 19:27

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ginnedupmummy · 07/11/2006 19:28

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whizzbangbang · 07/11/2006 19:51

ginnedupmummy - my dh can be like this. He often cuts down and regularly talks about stopping, but struggles with the concept of never having a drink again. A lot of people wouldn't describe my dh as having a drink problem, but would describe him as a man who likes a drink. There is a fine line and I think that my dh sails very close to overstepping it, which is why at times I worry about it. Like you we have a wonderful relationship and this is really our only issue and as like you it only comes up as a major problem on the odd occassion I guess I put up with it. The worry is that it will get worse. If I could guarantee that he would remain the same I could live with it. The last time he got so drunk we fell out was at his Christmas doo last year, so I guess it's not so bad, but it's the anticipation. Everytime we get invited to dinner or a wedding etc it's on my mind and it does spoil the night for me. I would love it if he gave up altogether, but it's not such a problem that I would give up on the best relationship I've ever had and ever likely to have.

ginnedupmummy · 07/11/2006 20:20

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Pages · 07/11/2006 20:33

It is not black and white.

My dad also was an alcoholic who indirectly killed himself through it and completely wrecked and sabotaged his life when he was alive. I, like Zookeeper and Ginnedupmummy have married someone with a similar type of family dysfunction - as have all of both of our sets of siblings. I don't think it is necessarily that we are attracted to partners who have a drink problem but - as in all apparently inexplicable attractions which lead to lasting relationships it is the foundation that we all have in common -we all grew up in a family that had this type of issue going on. And there is probably a genetic link too.

But it is not necessarily worse than any other issue, as zookeeper and ginnedup say. My DH drinks a few cans of beer at home - every night virtually, I used to hate it, argued about it for several years, I then accepted it. In all these years the drinking hasn't increased, he rarely gets drunk, if he does he just gets silly and then falls asleep on the sofa, he doesn't go to the pub ever (except on a rare night out with me) he doesn't beat me or skip work (and even if ginnedup's did on occasion, who can honestly say they have never skipped work due to a hangover at some point in their lives?). And for all his failings, and the bits I don't like, he is the best and most lovely partner I have ever had and despite my recent moanings about him on here, I rarely come on here and moan about him because I have had enough relationships in the past to realise that he is not perfect but neither am I and he is pretty much everything I want in other respects. My only real concern about the fact he drinks every night is that his liver may pack up one day but what the hell, we all could go at any time.

I don't know anyone (apart from my dad perhaps) who is a bad drinker and should stop drinking and never drink again in the AA type of way, but you only have to listen to the news to know that we are a nation of pretty heavy drinkers and I think that there are worse things. My stepdad raerly touched a drop and it didn't stop him beating the crap out of me. My mum doesn't drink and she has treated me really badly in the past and recently.

It is all to easy to read a post like Ginnedupmummys and conclude "alcoholic" but you can't pigeon hole everyone in that way. If Ginnedup had said that her DH beat her or brought financial ruin upon her I would be the first in line to say that she should get out of it but he is in other respects lovely and that is a lot to be happy about.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2006 07:31

"My dad also was an alcoholic who indirectly killed himself through it and completely wrecked and sabotaged his life when he was alive. I, like Zookeeper and Ginnedupmummy have married someone with a similar type of family dysfunction - as have all of both of our sets of siblings. I don't think it is necessarily that we are attracted to partners who have a drink problem but - as in all apparently inexplicable attractions which lead to lasting relationships it is the foundation that we all have in common -we all grew up in a family that had this type of issue going on. And there is probably a genetic link too".

I would agree with this; this is conditioned and learnt behaviour. In G's case she grew up with an alcoholic parent and thus has become conditioned to it. It does not also surprise me in the least to read that she has gone on to choose a partner who is an alcoholic. There are also genetic predispositions to drinking as well; people with addictive personalities can find themselves in all sorts of problems with regards to addiction.

There is also a lot of denial surrounding alcoholism both from the people affected by same ans the people who aare watching their loved ones become increasingly ill due to excess drinking. Some people are very reluctant to use the word "alcoholic" (the perceived stigma of same is a factor here).

Alcoholism is an illness and should be treated as such.

Many people do not also realise how dependent they are on alcohol until they try to stop.

I found this very sad:-
"We do have a good life together and most of our socialising is done in the pub or with mates who drink and I can't see him ever giving up, I wouldn't want him to either because it would change the person he is".

Both these people are stuck in a cycle of co-dependency. This is no "good" life at all; just drinking with drinking buddies, this screams out of control. This man will never give up drinking especially when he is being enabled like this. He will likely end up with all sorts of health problems pertaining to it (liver damage is only a part of what can happen - strokes for instance are more likely to occur when binge drinking). I wonder what sort of person he would actually become if he was to admit that he has a serious problem with alcohol. These people are too afraid to find out.

zookeeper · 08/11/2006 09:02

I agree Pages.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/11/2006 11:20

Hmmm, I wonder how the children of the women who've decided to just cope with this feel about the alcohol thing.

I grew up with a father who drank quite a bit - not binge drinking, but very manageable constant drinking. He didn't miss work, he didn't hit anyone, he was fine, he was just always slightly drunk. It's not a nice feeling, growing up in a household where some of the grownups are off their heads some of the time. As you know.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/11/2006 11:21

(Oh, and I'm boggled by the "not an alcoholic" statements. One of the key signs of being an alcoholic is being unable to have just one drink. These men aren't winos, granted, but they do sound like they have big problems with alcohol.)

whizzbangbang · 08/11/2006 16:27

typically after posting on here last night dh came home an hour or so later - drunk. He haddn't been on a binge, but I realised that actually this is the third time in a week - so time to have words. He was greeted this morning with the words 'we need to talk' to which he responded 'is it about me drinking too much'. We have agreed to talk tomorrow night - he has a friend visiting tonight who has travelled a long way to see him. He was very quiet this morning and said he felt embarrassed and was very sorry.

However all of this has happened before, after the last time (at Christmas) I gave him the details of the local alcohol help service and he said unprompted that he has the information in his work bag and will call them. I need the strength to make him tackle this issue. In the past I've been strong about it for a few days and then he cuts down and it all seems ok. He refers to himself at times as an alcoholic and knows he has some sort of problem, but also hates the idea of drinking orange juice everytime we go out etc.

My problem is that I don't want to be the nagging wife and never have been, but on this issue I think I'm going to have to be.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2006 16:33

whizzbangbang,

Have you yourself talked with Al-anon?. They may be able to help.

Judy1234 · 08/11/2006 18:07

He needs to want to solve this himself and for you to check that he has and is dealing with it. Also it's not his fault. Addiction isn't really the fault of the person.

Pages · 08/11/2006 19:46

NotQuiteCockney, I don't think the type of household you grew up in has been described by any of the women on this thread. My children have never seen me or DH "off our heads". And even if it were the case I think the point these women are making is that they have no control over the situation, apart from to leave their partner. Are you saying they should do that? Would you honestly rather have not had a father at all?

noddyholder · 08/11/2006 19:56

Attilla your words are so true.You said it so much better than me and NQC you are right too.Visualising yourself as some sad person forever with a glass of oj in your hand is so far from the truth for someone in recovery where is is going well My dp gave up drinking with AA 14+ yrs ago and we still have a great time and i still love a few drinks and he has no problem with that

Pages · 08/11/2006 20:05

And also I didn't mean that seeking out a partner who has a similar family issue to ours was a bad thing - it is just what happens. The theory is that we ALL seek out what is familiar to us, we are all (not just us "unfortunates" with partners with alcohol as an issue) attracted to people who have a similar family trait/issue. But the theory also says that the person we can get the most stuck with is the same person we can also most grow with. I for one get infuriated with DH at times but he has also been the person I have evolved most with and been happiest with. I think that is true for all of my siblings and DH's siblings who have the same family "issue".

And btw some people (a lot of people) enjoy going to the pub and having a social life around that. (I am not one of them, but my brother is and he is also sporty, fit, healthy, works hard and far from alcoholic).

ginnedupmummy · 09/11/2006 12:29

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2006 14:32

G,

He may go ages without a drink (do you yourself know the longest period of time he has gone without any alcohol?) but he has to date returned to drinking again. Binge drinking and especially if done over a period of years will cause harm to the body. At least you are now admitting to your own self that he does have a problem with drink. You wrote that you you knew he had a bit of a drink problem when you met him - you must have known what you were taking on at that time having grown up in a house with an alcoholic parent. It therefore does not surprise me at all to read that you are in a relationship with someone who does not have a "normal" and "healthy" relationship with alcohol.

I found this comment of yours particularly sad:-
"We do have a good life together and most of our socialising is done in the pub or with mates who drink and I can't see him ever giving up, I wouldn't want him to either because it would change the person he is".

It may actually make him a better person to live a life without living it in through a beer glass. He's kidding himself - and so are you.

It would change you as well wouldn't it and make you face up to the realities of what you have seen with regards to him. Are you afraid of what he may actually be like or become if he was to give up alcohol for good?. Is that why you say you do not want him to change?. It goes without saying that he would need to change his whole outlook and not see the drinking buddies anymore if he was to give up alcohol and he is not ready or able to do so (his friends and yourself also enable him to keep drinking). And nor are you ready and able to see that.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/11/2006 14:35

All the time I was growing up, I think I saw my dad drunk once or twice, which is hardly unusual. But I'm not sure I ever saw him sober.

I don't think I would have wanted my mom to leave my dad. I don't know. They didn't get on well, the booze was only part of the problem.

I found really hard the fact she was always checking up on him, or sighing at him over his drinking, and generally nagging at him. To listen to him "quietly" "sneaking" a bottle while I was doing things with my mom was pure hell.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/11/2006 14:36

The disappearing and the smell and the moods afterwards are going to be obvious to your children.

I do think being completely teetotal is a slightly grim prospect in this country, because so much of people's social life centres around booze.

ginnedupmummy · 09/11/2006 18:43

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