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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex keeps pinching my bum

84 replies

Yikesivedoneitagain · 29/04/2015 21:31

Help! Ex keeps pinching, squeezing and slapping my bum. We have little children so I see him quite frequently. I've told him politely to fuck off. I've told him not politely. Today I lost my shit with him. He says he will keep doing it.

I've already LTB - what now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 30/04/2015 09:30

I can't get my head round it all. It wasn't an 'abusive' relationship, and I've read the freedom project, but it's hard to identify him in the 'types' of abusers.

I am having no my first counselling session tomorrow, thank god I can get this all off my chest.

Will definitely think about the childminder idea, or maybe nursery 1/2 mornings a week. And handover I can have family members/friends with me. He wouldn't dare do it in front of them!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/04/2015 09:45

See it helps to hash things out on here sometimes good luck for tomorrow. I think surrounding yourself with people will let him see you are capable and not so dependant on him you are not his partner anymore which is sad that you seperated he cant treat you like his .

MissyMistress402 · 30/04/2015 09:50

What an awful man. Can see why he is your ex. Report him to the police see how he likes that. It's assault.

Mrsjayy · 30/04/2015 09:56

Btw it doesnt matter if you cant find a particular fit for his behaviour if his behaviour is causing you upset and they wont stop it is abusive

cozietoesie · 30/04/2015 09:59

Anything you can do about the childminding would help. He's using the children situation to get at you and try to keep you under control - if you didn't have children with a man and he kept doing this, you'd have no compunction about having him arrested I should imagine? After all, it's assault as has been said upthread.

You said that it wasn't an 'abusive' relationship but I think that that is something you need to think more about - and possibly discuss with your counsellor tomorrow? People don't usually change so drastically in a short space of time - not in the essentials anyway - and this behaviour of his is so extraordinary that I think you need to think back over your relationship. There will almost certainly be features there that you just haven't acknowledged to yourself yet.

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 30/04/2015 10:09

Yes cozie, I think you're absolutely right - I buried my head in the sand, but of course he was abusive. He didn't control me, always complimented me, encouraged me to have a life. So I told myself it was all ok.

And yet, he didn't give a shit about my feelings - ever. It's quite shocking to think, he literally didn't care. Not when I had a mc, not when I begged him to stop going out drinking etc. there are things he has said to me which have literally brought my friends to tears with how disgusting and upsetting they are.

When we split up he kept sending me pictures of his penis? And one of his semen all over my underwear. I'm welling up remembering this. I told him then I would report to police, and he stopped.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/04/2015 10:15

Oh lovey Sad

Isetan · 30/04/2015 11:40

So the sexual harassment has been going on for some time, formalising contact and limiting your exposure to this prick needs to happen yesterday.

Any contact you have with this man needs to happen in a public place (I insisted handovers happened outside of a Police Station) and limit communication to the subject of contact and all communication must be writing.

From now on, if you haven't already, log every instance of his sexual harassment. He sounds just awful, I'm so glad you got rid of him.

Hissy · 30/04/2015 12:26

Oh god he is a monster!

Please, sort out child care - at least some nursery time so that you know when you can schedule interviews and get your life to a place where you NEVER need him in it.

If he refuses to stop harassing you like this, you need to call 101 for some advice.

This is not YOUR fault love, this is him being a pig! this is not normal. good men don't do this!

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 12:31

I would ring 101 now. NO more handovers in private. None. He asks why you repeat, 'You sexually harrass me and refuse to stop. Sexual harrassment is a crime.'

What he is doing to you is criminal.

Skiptonlass · 30/04/2015 12:34

This is what the 101 number is for. Use it, and report the prick.

PannaDoll · 30/04/2015 12:52

I think I need to set up proper arrangements and avoid him thoroughly - thanks all.

Do this. Then arrange your appointments to work with regular nursery or daycare arrangements. Then you are not relying on him at all. I would also consider reporting it to the police but imagine that would be a lengthy process which wouldn't lead anywhere other than to have it on record and honestly that's no bad thing as I imagine he's the type of scummer to do more to get at you.

notthestereotype · 30/04/2015 13:02

Hi OP,

Sorry, I didn't have time to read the whole thread, but from the bits I've read and from your OP, I can really sympathise. My ex used to do this and would also send me inappropriate texts and pictures of himself. Pretty much every time I saw him, he would pinch or slap my ass and would seem quite amused by the whole thing. It was a complete power thing and I know he got off on it. I am bi and by this point already had a gf, which made it extra disrespectful. I warned him if he didn't stop, I would tell her and he didn't, so I did. He was making it feel like a dirty little secret, between the two of us and that was completely his intention. I was very close to going to the police, but luckily since we moved, he doesn't do it anymore. We're never in a situation where he can 'get away with it'. He literally picks up and drops off our dc and that's it. It made me so angry to read your OP. It brings it all back. I'm sorry you've had to endure such vile behaviour.

minkGrundy · 30/04/2015 16:39

I was just reading the psychpath thread. Your description of him during your rs sounds like it might fit the profile.

He clearly sees you as property and is not accepting that you have made a decision (to leave) that he sees you as having no right to make.

Did you keep any of the things he sent you as evidence? (I am guessing you wanted rid of them!)

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 13/05/2015 20:30

I reported to police today. They arrested him. I feel really low Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 13/05/2015 20:31

I reported because he continued to do it. I felt so angry! I snapped and had enough. I feel so guilty and sad.

OP posts:
Jackw · 13/05/2015 20:52

Well done! I think you've done the right thing to protect yourself from this. The fact that the police took it seriously enough to arrest him shows how bad his behaviour is. He is the one who should be feeling guilty, not you. Goodness knows you asked him to stop often enough, it's not like he didn't know he was doing wrong.

dollius · 13/05/2015 20:56

You have done the right thing lovie. It was either that or put up with him bulldozering your boundaries for however long. He has NO RIGHT to touch you.

You have done the right thing. Really. Well done for being so brave.

Pispcina · 13/05/2015 20:57

Oh crikey. If they arrested him then they have clearly got good reason to and have taken you seriously - that's a very good thing, that you are believed and that they realise the seriousness of what he has done and is doing.

You must be feeling shocked I imagine? It isn't your fault Flowers

On another point I don't know if I should mention it but do you think he is a risk to the children - apart from their witnessing his abuse of you, I mean. Also is his contact with them court ordered or informal?

Lweji · 13/05/2015 20:57

You should feel great.

You did the right thing.

And relax, not much will come of it, but he will know better now, hopefully.

Lweji · 13/05/2015 20:59

And you will have good reason to avoid him at handovers.
Get him to have another person collect the children, and don't allow him at home at all.

TrulyTurtles · 13/05/2015 20:59

If someone slapped my arse I'd probably hit him with the cast iron frying pan I was holding, y'know, just as a reflex.

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/05/2015 07:31

Thanks all. I don't know that he's a risk to the children - he seems to be intent on 'winding me up', that's always was his modus operandi. I never really got it, never really got him. Why do people do that 'winding up'? It's such a shit form of humour, and can feel so belittling.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 14/05/2015 07:35

You've done the right thing. Stay strong - don't let him get away with it Flowers

confusedNC · 14/05/2015 07:41

Yikes...you just answered your own question. They do it's cos they like belittling us. My ex used to grab my bum all the time and I hated it. It wasn't affection because our marriage was really bad by then. He used to just say 'its half mine!' when I toad him I hated it. He didn't stop.

Thankfully he's no touched me since we split up but he has sent sexually inappropriate texts. It's horrible. Just power trip. Well done for reporting.