What more can i do? Is this my life?

[cattygirl1]

I have posted before so sorry for going through all this again! I am at the end of my tether and mentally drained with my Husband.

He smokes a lot of cannabis and is now most of the times so moody but he is like a yoyo and very, very up and down as in can go from hardly speaking to normal and chirpy in the space of 5 mins. I never know where I stand.

Example of week so far, moody all Sunday, fine Monday, moody and hardly spoke at all today so far, who knows what tomorrow brings.

We hardly interact with each other any more and don't share a bed, partly because im such a crap sleeper and because he is stoned and drinking is always snoring/jerking. The other part no longer wants to share the bed anymore.

We also have a child and I am extremely concerned she will think this is normal.

Why can I be so scared to end this shit? There is a part of me that feels so sad for what we have become.

You need to put your big girl pants on and just take a deep breath and do it.

Thanks everyone, many questions as to why I am letting this continue, something I have also been thinking about.

I am a nervous, anxious wreck, so barely have the guts to stand up for myself or C, this makes me feel like absolute crap!

I know he could be doing a lot worse from some of my friends relationships, this is no excuse but when I hear of other stories I then feel I am being silly.

I have no other real relationship to compare this too, I know its not normal.

He can be very loving and caring, albeit usually under the influence.

Flip side~ no I don't want to live my life on eggshells as to how the mood will be, I would never want this life for my C and im lonely in this relationship, so wont have much to miss out on out of it.

He could be doing a lot worse?? Really?? He could be doing a LOT better.

What is stopping you doing it right now?

Of course, this is what fails me, I can not believe I have set my bar so bloody low!! How did that happen?

I need to get myself together and be mentally strong to go, I have already detached more or less from him and I think he must notice this.

That sounds like my relationship with my ex. The hardest times were those making the decision. I feel so light and free of resentment now!

So easy not to act, to get frozen in hopelessness. I sympathise. Been there, done that, often slip back into it, lose my anger/focus etc. 3 steps forward 2 steps back. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in a stormy sea being ripped to shreds by sharks so how can I escape? But at other times I know just as strongly that I'm just wading in a murky, smelly, disgusting duck pond feeling squeamish about being nibbled by unpleasant little bitey fish. It is fairly shit but definitely possible for a determined woman to wade to the edge and climb out. And I will.

You need to feel your anger at his useless, horrible behaviour and use this to galvanise yourself into action. You can do it but it may take some time if your needy hopeless side has to battle with your angry side.

What is step 1, do you think? Have you consulted a lawyer yet?

Yes, first step Lawyer, for me it probably isn't to hopeful though.

I have been the breadwinner our whole relationship, all mortgage applications etc are joint but his side always had nil earnings and unemployed! Payments have always come from my sole account. That really angers me, he has no sense of responsibility, never wants to try to achieve more for out little family.

Ooo, you have a first step. This is good. 1st step pre-step: Have you googled "lawyers free half hour" and picked one yet?

What more can I do?

See a lawyer, detach emotionally, think logically and practically and LTB.

Is this my life?
Yes. Until you change it.

And please don't think that I underestimate how difficult it is. But it's difficult for a short while, until you make the break, adjust, and move forwards.

But it'll be even more difficult, for even longer, if you don't.

Wise up.
Stop doing the 'poor me' bit.
Going on and on about it and doing nothing only makes people irritated.
I'm sorry to sound harsh but I am speaking from experience and I've been there. Just stop making excuses and get to a solicitor.. If you take action you will get lots of support and advice ....if you just keep on with the 'poor me I'm not strong enough' folk get fed up. We can't do it for you.

You have said ...first step lawyer - not hopeful for you...
Why not... that's a negative attitude which won't help,

Ladeees, can I just remind you that if you have compassion fatigue you really don't need to post?

OP - you will leave when you are ready and will come to that point in your own time.

It took me years (time which I now bitterly regret for the affect it had on my dc). My self-confidence was so very low I dithered and worried for ages about coping on my own. Of course the truth was I was coping on my own anyway - just with a load of crap thrown in from ex as well.

What really helped me get the necessary strength together in the end was personal counselling. After a few sessions of droning on exploring my feelings, I just suddenly made up my mind. I think I just needed that extra bit of support and validation. It might be worth thinking about for you?

Allowing your dc to live with an addict is abusive. If you continue to allow this, you are colluding with his abuse. Your dc is utterly dependent on you. Imagine the day you are asked "why didn't you put me first and leave? Why did I come second to that?". What will your answer be?

Now imagine the day you are told " I am so grateful you got me out". I know which conversation I'd rather have.

Very much agree that droning on exploring feelings in counselling can be helpful in concentrating the mind, bunchofolives.:)

Get all the practical side in order, plus the finances, then work out how and when you're going to leave.

You'll both be so much better off, and safe, and able to relax without worrying about him or his behaviour.

What bunchof said. These things take time. Keep at it OP and you will feel stronger daily.

Just a very small update. Not a lot further along, but getting there slowly.

We had a long chat again, still maintaining he can not stop the drugs. He has said he believes I am very distant from him and that I no longer want to do things like go out together for a drink etc. In a way I don't anymore but cant really explain why?

We don't sleep together and he is on the couch. This is realistic either. I cant sleep with him as he snores and jerks about so much it keeps me awake. We haven't slept together for about 4 years.

It seems he is pointing it around to being my fault.

who cares whose fault it is - just blooming well get rid. Why are you still with him? This is ridiculous. He is a drug addict - if SS find out and see you have taken no steps to protect your child what do you think will happen? Maybe you are distant because he is an abusive addict? Or is that your fault too?

They always blame you. To take responsibility for how shit they are is completely beyond them...do not ever hope for that.

Just carry on thinking about what is acceptable to you and ignore his transparent attempts to sidetrack you

I thought the was just passing the buck back to me if im honest.

I do feel I have changed and probably moved on the person he wants me to stay as. I am feeling more confident in myself, just need to get the balls to do the rest now.

with the greatest respect how many times are you going to post and do nothing. You have been given the same advice many, many times. Not one person has told you to stay with him have they?

You need Women's Aid and a solicitor. Who cares if he blames you - do you buy the drugs and force him to take them?

As cherry says, eventually SS will find out and they may take her away .

There are women on Mn who lost their child forever , because they put their own addiction or their need to be a relationship with an addict ahead of their child .

Please don't let this happen to you .

You have your health, a job and a home . You have far more than many women who do manage to leave . No one is saying it's easy . But there is lots of support for you .

It's not that posters here don't care about you or your feelings . It's just they care more about your childs welfare .

Thank you. I guess the reason I have not managed to find the balls to do it is because he is the only relationship I have know my adult life.

Our Child worships him as he is good with her, but then he is also very chilled/relaxed due to the drugs.

When he is nice he is lovely and caring but without the drugs he is cold and quite nasty really. An example is went away for a long weekend as I have had the blame of not wanting to do family stuff, he didn't speak for about the first hour of the journey (no drugs), when he did it was huffing and sighing, then he couldn't find the place we were going to, huffing and sighing again and sarcastically laughing away to himself, just so mean!!

C and I go to a café, he stays in car and smoke, come in happy as larry and im expected to flick my switch back and be all nicey, nicey.

This can happen a lot, or perhaps wont for a week or so, during that week we are fine.

Sorry if I keep repeating in my threads, but I am too embarrassed to tell friends/relatives in r/l as they think everything is fine, I probably don't want to admit it to myself.

I think now is the time when you must tell friends and family. You need the support and the resolve.

How can friends and family think he is fine? They're not stupid. Even if they don't know about the drugs or the alcohol (they will do, he must stink) they know he has never worked or contributed to your family. They will think he is a waster for that alone. People are just too polite to say anything to your face.