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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, I feel like my DP is breaking me

58 replies

pleasehelp983 · 28/04/2015 18:38

I am so confused, hurt and upset about my relationship. Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years and I really thought he was 'the one.' We planned our lives together, moved in together and it was perfect. In the last 6 months, for no real reason that I can tell, my DP has started being pretty nasty to me. I think it is nasty - perhaps you can tell me if I am being unfair on him.

In the last 3 months, DP has cancelled events we planned together and with our friends, last minute, and said he needs to do overtime at work. When I had some severe dental work done last week at a dental hospital, I said I would really appreciate him being home as I needed some TLC, and he said he was too busy at work to do that and would be back late, again. When he works overtime he never lets me know until the last minute, and is really aggressive and offhand with me, and tells me not to pester him at work. When I get upset about any of this, he will get angry and defensive, and often just hangs up the phone on me. I had a job interview 2 months ago and he forgot about that - no call or text after it. He has started to not mention when he will be away at weekends, and let me know last minute and then I won't hear from him for hours and hours... his favorite excuse is that his battery has died. In bed he is very selfish, he's never gone down on me yet is happy to receive...and if he finishes before me, he cuddles me then goes to sleep. He tells me that I can use his car on x date, then at the last minute will tell me he's 'decided he's not ok with it,' and it's 'stressing him out.' This has left me car-less when I have arranged to see a friend and I am left to go via train - but makes my life quite difficult when arrangements have been made and I've placed reliance on being able to use the car.

In summary, I feel neglected, lost, lonely and very unhappy.

I've asked him what is going on and told him how unhappy I am, and he claims he has done nothing wrong, (though admits that not being there for me after the dental treatment was a bit shitty). I've asked if he still wants the relationship and he says yes. I've asked if he's unhappy about something else, or something at work, he says no, and says he chooses to work late. I also am 100% sure that there's nothing going on with anyone else - I've asked him about this in detail.

What to do?

OP posts:
BoozeyTuesday · 28/04/2015 18:42

Are you sure there is no other woman? Seems like all the classic signs are there.

turbonerd · 28/04/2015 18:43

Leave him to it. He has no consideration fir you at all, sadly. It does not sound like you have children and so please disentangle finances etc and wish him well on his journey.
It is sad but he does not care for you and you feel the effects of that. It is unlikely that he suddenly changes into the loving and caring man you hope him to be. Get rid so that you are free to find this man in the future.

Ouchbloodyouch · 28/04/2015 18:53

I never rush in with 'OW' but this screams it. Sorry. My ex did this to me. I was his back up plan which is why he wouldn't end the relationship. Flowers

Primadonnagirl · 28/04/2015 18:56

You deserve better. And being single would be better than this. Sorry love but decent men treat their partners with respect and kindness and nothing you have said here shows any of either. Therefore he is not a decent man. Therefore you are better off without him.

cailindana · 28/04/2015 18:57

Definitely seeing someone else, sorry. But even if he wasn't, he sounds like a nasty sod who doesn't really care about you anyway so time to bin I think.

balia · 28/04/2015 19:01

Start planning your exit strategy - how entangled are your finances?

And yeah, another vote for OW - if he is off the radar and you can't contact him for hours, what makes you certain he isn't playing away?

Justmuddlingalong · 28/04/2015 19:02

Of course he's happy. He's suiting himself. But are you? He doesn't get to decide if the relationship is worth continuing with, you can make your own decision.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 28/04/2015 19:03

He sounds awful. He obviously doesn't like or value you - if he does he has a damned funny way of showing it. Do you really want to stay with him? Does he ever do anything nice for you?

MerdeAlor · 28/04/2015 19:03

Listen, we don't know if he's cheating on you. What we do know is that he's treating you with a lack of respect and consideration. This is hardly the behaviour of someone deeply in love with their partner.

Anyone leaving you feeling so hurt, rejected and lonely is not worth your time and love.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2015 19:07

Long story short.....

He has found someone else but doesnt want to finish with you until her is sure that the OW is a long term prospect.

Sorry :( but for the sake of your own self respect I think you need to walk away now. And even if he wasnt cheating, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who will happily treat you so badly?

Kick him to the kerb and tell him to get fucked when he begs you to take him back (and he will, they always do). Flowers

Original poster
pleasehelp983 · 28/04/2015 19:11

Thank you for all the replies.

I really don't think he is seeing anyone else - obviously I could be very wrong, but I just don't think he would, and I think after I questioned him on it he would have told me if he was.

He makes out that it's not so bad. His excuse re the hospital was that it was really really far to come and get me (it was almost 2 hours), and I hadn't given him enough notice (I was planning on coming back alone but felt worse as the appointment progressed), and also said he wasn't feeling well himself so it would be dangerous for him to drive. When he explains it like that, I start to feel guilty for expecting it of him. I feel so confused.

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 28/04/2015 19:14

I questioned my ex.. guess what he said.. and as merde said we don't know if he is but he is being a shit and you deserve better.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2015 19:15

I really don't think he is seeing anyone else - obviously I could be very wrong, but I just don't think he would, and I think after I questioned him on it he would have told me if he was.

Oh love, we all think that. We all want to believe that he wouldnt do that, he isnt that kind of man, that he would tell the truth if questioned.....the fact is that cheaters will and do lie All. The. Time.

I really really want to be wrong, but I have seen way to often to believe that I am.

He is treating you badly, doing last minute "over time" and disappearing for weekends away when he is not contactable. One of those things on its own would be bad enough, all three together.... not good, not good at all.

I am sorry.

Twinklestein · 28/04/2015 19:19

If a man buggers off for a whole weekend and is 'uncontactable' - he's surely with a woman no?

Even if he's not, he's awful. So stop asking him what he wants and tell him what you want: to end it.

SlaggyIsland · 28/04/2015 19:20

I'm another one that thinks another woman, I'm afraid.

trackrBird · 28/04/2015 19:20

As a partner, he sounds like a walking disaster. He didn't keep the perfect act up for very long, it seems: now you can see he is very selfish at heart, and is treating you very badly.

Other woman or not, he's doing something with all this 'extra work', unexpected weekends away, dead mobile batteries, etc.

Treat yourself with kindness, and end the relationship. There are much better men than that out there.

SlaggyIsland · 28/04/2015 19:20

I'm another one that thinks another woman, I'm afraid.

Original poster
pleasehelp983 · 28/04/2015 19:21

Everytime a scenario comes up like the ones described in my OP, he has an excuse, a reason and it makes me feel guilty. Then he tells me he loves me and wants me etc.

I don't understand it, he never used to be like this. The more I fell in love, the worse he seems to treat me. Maybe I am being over the top and too demanding, I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 28/04/2015 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

balia · 28/04/2015 19:24

If the only issue was the dental work thing, then it would be reasonable to give him the benefit of the doubt (given the situation you have outlined here) but it isn't - it's a pattern of disrespect, cancelling events, being aggressive...

Why haven't you got your own car?

DubbyDubby · 28/04/2015 19:25

Is there any possibility he is feeling smothered and is trying to push you away to gain space? Albeit in a horrible way?

trackrBird · 28/04/2015 19:25

There is always an excuse.

Men who make everything seem perfect in the beginning are often faking it. They can turn out to be highly manipulative, turning everything around on you, and pressing your guilt buttons.

After a while, they become aggressive.

It's better to get out now, as this has the potential to get much worse.

tipsytrifle · 28/04/2015 19:27

In summary, I feel neglected, lost, lonely and very unhappy.

That is because you are. It almost doesn't matter whether he has another, this is unbearable. I have a gut feeling that he's just a nasty shit starting on the training program (for you) whereby you become weaker and more accepting of his bad behaviour. He is on the road to being abusive already. Is it possible to get out now? How would you feel about that?

tallwivglasses · 28/04/2015 19:27

okay, so the hospital excuse is legit (Hmm ) but what excuses does he have for being a selfish and inconsiderate lover, changing plans for the car, only telling you when he's away or working late last minute, his phone not being charged up, treating you like shit or making you unbearably miserable? OW or no, he's a nasty piece of work. Do your friends or family know what he's like?

cleanmyhouse · 28/04/2015 19:28

Could be another woman, could be that he's just an utter shit. Either way, the sooner you get out of this one, the better.

He sounds like hes massively manipulating you and trying to mess with your head, making you feel guilty when hes in the wrong. It'll only get more confusing. You know his behaviour is wrong, get out before he confuses you more.