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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, I feel like my DP is breaking me

58 replies

pleasehelp983 · 28/04/2015 18:38

I am so confused, hurt and upset about my relationship. Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years and I really thought he was 'the one.' We planned our lives together, moved in together and it was perfect. In the last 6 months, for no real reason that I can tell, my DP has started being pretty nasty to me. I think it is nasty - perhaps you can tell me if I am being unfair on him.

In the last 3 months, DP has cancelled events we planned together and with our friends, last minute, and said he needs to do overtime at work. When I had some severe dental work done last week at a dental hospital, I said I would really appreciate him being home as I needed some TLC, and he said he was too busy at work to do that and would be back late, again. When he works overtime he never lets me know until the last minute, and is really aggressive and offhand with me, and tells me not to pester him at work. When I get upset about any of this, he will get angry and defensive, and often just hangs up the phone on me. I had a job interview 2 months ago and he forgot about that - no call or text after it. He has started to not mention when he will be away at weekends, and let me know last minute and then I won't hear from him for hours and hours... his favorite excuse is that his battery has died. In bed he is very selfish, he's never gone down on me yet is happy to receive...and if he finishes before me, he cuddles me then goes to sleep. He tells me that I can use his car on x date, then at the last minute will tell me he's 'decided he's not ok with it,' and it's 'stressing him out.' This has left me car-less when I have arranged to see a friend and I am left to go via train - but makes my life quite difficult when arrangements have been made and I've placed reliance on being able to use the car.

In summary, I feel neglected, lost, lonely and very unhappy.

I've asked him what is going on and told him how unhappy I am, and he claims he has done nothing wrong, (though admits that not being there for me after the dental treatment was a bit shitty). I've asked if he still wants the relationship and he says yes. I've asked if he's unhappy about something else, or something at work, he says no, and says he chooses to work late. I also am 100% sure that there's nothing going on with anyone else - I've asked him about this in detail.

What to do?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/04/2015 19:30

So what if he's got an excuse? It's irrelevant.

He was nice earlier in the relationship and now he's showing his true colours.

What you need to do is recognise he's unpleasant and end it.

Branleuse · 28/04/2015 19:30

he doesn't value you. Actions speak louder than words.

Coyoacan · 28/04/2015 19:31

Listen, we don't know if he's cheating on you. What we do know is that he's treating you with a lack of respect and consideration

I agree. If this behaviour has been happening for a while, you have talked to him and he doesn't accept that it is wrong, there will just be more to come. And frankly, if you are lucky and there is an OW, he will leave soon.

tumbletumble · 28/04/2015 19:31

You are not being too demanding. He is failing to show you basic consideration. Seriously, read your OP again. Does any of that behaviour sound OK to you?

I'm not a LTB poster and I know it's sad to give up on someone you love. But he sounds awful.

whothehellknows · 28/04/2015 19:33

OP, it doesn't really matter that he says he loves you or that he wants the relationship. It's his actions that matter, and they're telling a different story. If he loved you, he'd do his best to make you happy when he could.

Ouchbloodyouch · 28/04/2015 19:37

Stop blaming yourself. You do need to work on your self esteem.

tribpot · 28/04/2015 19:54

I've asked if he still wants the relationship and he says yes.

Why wouldn't he? You put up with his shit, no doubt look after the house, pay half the bills ... and let him have one-sided sex when it suits.

Why would he lose the safety net and have the bother of having to be nice to someone else to reel them in to where you are now?

So the more important question is do you still want this relationship? And if so, why? What on earth can you be getting out of it? He treats you like crap.

The whole time you're with him you're removing the possibility of meeting someone who will love and respect you. First and foremost you need to love and respect yourself. You deserve better than this.

Beaverfeaver2 · 28/04/2015 20:02

It doesn't look good but I want to post from the other point of view:

I am often working late. Sometimes I don't know I will be until last minute, so I let DH know at the last minute.

I also hate receiving calls from him at work and I probably come off as snappy or short with him.

It's just that when I am at work, I am work me, focused and driven.

At home I am different.

I know he hates it too and I am working on being better.

But it's nothing to do with me seeing anyone else.

I love my job and my colleagues and will do what I can for them

BolshierAyraStark · 28/04/2015 20:06

The one sided oral sex would have me showing him the door tbh. He's treating you like shit, please stop letting him.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/04/2015 20:09

You feel neglected, lost, lonely and unhappy.

That is all the information you need.

This relationship is not good for you. It matters not whether HE thinks he's done anything wrong. YOU are not happy and this relationship clearly isn't working for YOU. End it.

Relationships are supposed to make you feel loved, supported, connected and cherished. This one doesn't.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/04/2015 21:07

Oh op to be honest it doesn't matter whether he has another woman or not, he really doesn't get to treat you so abominably.

He has zero respect for you are you needs, he cancels on friends at the last minute and takes the use of the car from you, he's trying to control you and making a really good job of it.

He is abusive and sounds like he is ramping it up and it's working, you love him, what have I done wrong, he's selfish in bed but I'm not. He's got you twisting in the wind and second guessing yourself, how can I be better to make him want and love me more.

Fact he doesn't give a shit I doubt your the first he's treated like this, you will end up isolated and walking on egg shells, you probably already are.

LTB lovely he's not a safe bet for a happy life, stop second guessing what's wrong with him, and move forward without him.
It's called taking back control, he won't like it. Thanks

MelonBallersAreStrange · 28/04/2015 21:20

He treats you badly then makes crap excuses. Repeatedly.

Run.

vanimal · 28/04/2015 21:20

He sounds emotionally abusive.

Have a read of this link - does any of it sound familiar to you?

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

If so, please consider leaving him, he won't get any better and you will suffer far worse in the long-term. Flowers

NomNomDePlum · 28/04/2015 21:24

Dump him.

Seriously, three years is enough of your life to waste on some arsehat who doesn't care about you.

honeyroar · 28/04/2015 21:24

Whether there is another woman or not, he is hopeless. Not only is his behaviour terrible, but he won't even discuss it when you say you're unhappy. You deserve so much better.

SelfLoathing · 28/04/2015 23:38

sounds to me like this might be someone who is a narcissist or with narcissistic traits (try googling Narcissistic personality disorder for more info).

Classic signs are:

  1. someone who appears to be your perfect partner & suckers you totally into believing that this is your prince charming.
  1. once they know they've "got you" (ie. here - when you move in) they unmask their true self - the horrific selfishness of them - that they do what the fu.ck suits them as and when. To be honest it was the not coming to the dental hospital that made me think this could be an issue - as it is an ultra classic sign. A normal person (even one who is having an affair as others have suggested) will still care about their primary partner on an emotional/pain/friendship level - even if only to disguise the affair; "I'm too busy at work" is more indicitative of a narcissistic "I've got you and now I am all" approach.
  1. just generally doing what suits them as and when without regard to anyone else.

Whatever is going on, does not sound a good relationship to stay in.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2015 02:44

Mmm, a friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive relationship. She says it was fine for the first five years and then suddenly he started behaving like an arse. She stayed for another six years and serious health issues as a result.

Isetan · 29/04/2015 04:24

Stop asking 'why is he treating me like this?' and start asking 'why the fuck am I letting him treat me like this?'

He treats you this way because he's selfish and because you let him, now you can't stop him being selfish but you sure as hell can stop your exposure to it. You have options, taking his shit is one and I'm sure he's happy for you to continue doing but not one that will make you feel loved or respected.

Come on OP, it's time to get angry.

nooka · 29/04/2015 04:41

I don't buy the too far/no notice excuse either. When my dh had his wisdom teeth pulled I went with him, to give him support while he was waiting and to drive him home afterwards. Surely that's what a loving partner does? Especially if it's a long way away!

Sure sometimes it's easy to get caught up at work and stay a bit longer than you meant to, but if you have a partner that's feeling lonely and sad then you should be more considerate, and if you have commitments deciding not to honour them on the night for no good reason at all is just crap.

Combine all that with buggering off at weekends with no notice, being uncontactable and disagreeable and I'd be inclined to think that really and truly he just doesn't really like you that much OP :(

Whether that's because he is living a double life or he is a shit or both is to some extent irrelevant. I think you really need to make plans to leave.

nooka · 29/04/2015 04:41

I don't buy the too far/no notice excuse either. When my dh had his wisdom teeth pulled I went with him, to give him support while he was waiting and to drive him home afterwards. Surely that's what a loving partner does? Especially if it's a long way away!

Sure sometimes it's easy to get caught up at work and stay a bit longer than you meant to, but if you have a partner that's feeling lonely and sad then you should be more considerate, and if you have commitments deciding not to honour them on the night for no good reason at all is just crap.

Combine all that with buggering off at weekends with no notice, being uncontactable and disagreeable and I'd be inclined to think that really and truly he just doesn't really like you that much OP :(

Whether that's because he is living a double life or he is a shit or both is to some extent irrelevant. I think you really need to make plans to leave.

nooka · 29/04/2015 04:42

I don't buy the too far/no notice excuse either. When my dh had his wisdom teeth pulled I went with him, to give him support while he was waiting and to drive him home afterwards. Surely that's what a loving partner does? Especially if it's a long way away!

Sure sometimes it's easy to get caught up at work and stay a bit longer than you meant to, but if you have a partner that's feeling lonely and sad then you should be more considerate, and if you have commitments deciding not to honour them on the night for no good reason at all is just crap.

Combine all that with buggering off at weekends with no notice, being uncontactable and disagreeable and I'd be inclined to think that really and truly he just doesn't really like you that much OP :(

Whether that's because he is living a double life or he is a shit or both is to some extent irrelevant. I think you really need to make plans to leave.

nooka · 29/04/2015 04:43

Sorry about the triple post Blush

Psipsina · 29/04/2015 08:15

Did you have another thread earlier? Sorry sounds v similar, I replied on that one if so x

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2015 09:39

Wow he's done a real number on you.
Please contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Your boundaries are all over the place.
He's a complete and utter twat and you KNOW you deserve so much better.
Get rid and get some self esteem and stop putting up with shitty men.
Why would you? You get one life, do you want yours to be like this for the next 10-20-30 years?
Thought not. So get out and get some help.

CocktailQueen · 29/04/2015 09:42

He might be telling you he loves you but he's showing you something entirely different. You're feeling lost, alone, unhappy. You've talked to him and he doesn't want to change.

You know what you need to do, OP - leave him.

Doesn't matter really what the reasons are for his behaviour - what maters is that is he IS behaving like this, you feel shit about it, you're not getting anything positive from the relationship, he's acting like he doesn't like you.