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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH using legal highs

29 replies

LaTristesse · 28/04/2015 16:49

Need a bit of support please people… Sorry it’s a long one…

Over the past couple of years OH has been getting into legal highs. He used to do a bit of weed here and there, but I think he struggled to get hold of it, so when one of those head shops popped up on our local high street about 5 years ago he took full advantage. At this point I was heavily pg with DS and we’d been married a couple of years . The first I knew of the problem was when he appeared to have a fit on his 40th Birthday. I was petrified and called an ambulance thinking he’d been poisoned or something. Midway through the call he came round and managed to talk me into aborting the call. He then told me what he’d been up to. I was pretty upset but he reassured me it was a one-off.

The same thing happened again a little while later and this time I made him speak to the 999 woman – I wanted nothing more to do with it. Over the past few years this has happened on and off on occasion. Most recently this weekend when he spent most of Sunday passed out in DS’s toy box and flailing around the garden convinced there were projections in the sky!

The thing that really pisses me off is that he sees nothing wrong in doing this around the children – it’s SO not the environment I envisaged my children growing up in – it’s setting a really bad example for them as much as anything else. He really doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong, and always bats it back at me saying I’m being unreasonable.

Basically I’ve not really known what to do about it. I won’t leave him as I refuse to leave our home, and I doubt very much he’d leave if I asked him to, although this is what I threatened him with this weekend. I did manage to get him to hand the stuff over so I could dispose of it. (Usually I have to hunt it down – he’s become more elaborate at hiding it and lying about it – something else which I find really hurtful). I’ve never been able to speak about this before to anyone so sorry for the ramble, I think it helps to get it all down. I’m thinking if there’s a next time I might start talking about it more openly with everyone so he can’t hide it anymore. (BTW he’s a professional guy with a highly paid career, and I have never even tried this stuff. )

Anyone got any advice? Please go easy on me, I know I’m perpetuating the problem by staying with him but I refuse to share my children with him – at least this way they have one decent parent 100% of the time.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 28/04/2015 16:53

I'd be extremely worried about one of your children finding it. I'd be talking ultimatums and sticking to them, you (& kids) or the legal highs

ScotsWhaHae · 28/04/2015 16:58

These so called legal alternatives to weed are really, really dangerous. The other new physcohoactive substances out there are just as bad. Mental health provision is stretched to the max with the increase in admissions due to NPS.

I'd rather see someone have the occasional joint than these, a lot of professionals agree.

He's playing a dangerous roulette with his physical and mental health. Seriously, there's tons of illegal drugs that wouldn't put him at this risk. Do you want to hang around and pick up the pieces when he does breakdown?

ScotsWhaHae · 28/04/2015 17:01

That sounds like I'm saying he should use proper drugs instead. Sorry that's not what I mean, these things are so damaging and a real concern.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2015 17:02

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What do you think your children are learning here from the two of you about relationships?.

You will, and indeed are, perpetuating the problem by staying with this useless individual as well as enabling him by being there. Are you content to let your own self and by turn your children get dragged down with him?. You are all being dragged down by him now no two ways about it.

Is this really what you want to show your children, that this is how couples behave in relationships?.

He thinks nothing also of doing this around the children as well, what does that tell you about him?. He is a supremely selfish individual who only cares for having his own needs met.

An ultimatum can only be issued once so if you do that you have to follow it through completely. It will lose all its power otherwise.

Do you also think that this particular individual would actually care enough to take or show any real interest in seeing his children over the next x number of years?. Probably not, his substances matter more to him and take priority. Would you want him to have any sole charge of your children, no and especially at present.

aliciagardner · 28/04/2015 17:03

Agree with fudge face. I know its not what you want to hear but for me, this is something I could not tolerate and like you, would not want my children exposed to.

Original poster
LaTristesse · 28/04/2015 17:06

Attila... Would you want him to have any sole charge of your children, no and especially at present. No - and that's why I'm staying - of course I wouldn't want him anywhere near them on his own, but there's no guarantee of that if we split. (I assume)

OP posts:
Jan45 · 28/04/2015 17:12

I think it's him that should leave, he is a terrible influence on your children, they will find out the longer this goes on and they will think it's perfectly ok, which it is not. I don't think the legal highs are any worse or better than the illegal ones, they are both as bad as each other and cut with god knows what.

He obviously thinks more of the drug than you and the kids - can you really carry on living like this, I think you have good grounds to ensure he leaves, if you don't expect years of the same and probably worse than a seizure.

Jan45 · 28/04/2015 17:17

And I also agree by letting him stay you are basically giving him the green light, what will it take for you to actually stop living with him, for me, this would be it, it might also be the shock he needs.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 28/04/2015 17:18

My advice is get him out of your life. He is damaging your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2015 17:32

"Attila... Would you want him to have any sole charge of your children, no and especially at present. No - and that's why I'm staying - of course I wouldn't want him anywhere near them on his own, but there's no guarantee of that if we split. (I assume).

Its not a good enough reason to stay because they are being directly exposed to his behaviours. You cannot as well fully protect them from this either; do not kid yourself that you can by being the "decent" parent.

Which brings me back to my original point - do you think he is going to be at all bothered to maintain any form of contact with these children in the future?. His so called "legal highs" are of more concern to him, his primary relationship is with that.

ArtVandelay · 28/04/2015 17:34

Recently, Jeremy Kyle (forgive me) had an episode with a guest who was addicted to legal highs. Jeremy's cackhanded problem solving aside, the Dr who gave the guest a check up said that he expected him to die fairly soon if he didn't quit. The guest was a physical and mental wreck. There was also a poor mum who's son had dropped dead from a legal high. See if you can find it on youtube.

Jan45 · 28/04/2015 17:44

And if he is hiding it all over the place what's to stop the children finding it - scary stuff - honestly you sound like a mother policing a naughty teenager - how can you have any respect for him.

Original poster
LaTristesse · 28/04/2015 19:30

I don't have any Jan45, that ran out a while back...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/04/2015 19:40

There is no advice because the only advice we could give you isn't what you want to hear.

This will carry on. He doesn't want to stop so he won't. It really is that simple.

awfulomission · 28/04/2015 19:51

The Frank website is a great source of information and support. Afaik it's mainly for young people but throug it you can find support near you.

What's the house situation exactly? Do you own/rent?

Legal highs are very harmful. We have a huge problem where I work with teens. Hospitalisation is a very regular side effect. One child ended up in a coma. They are not to be touched with a barge pole imo and, as you know yourself, he's a total idiot for doing so.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/04/2015 19:52

So what happens when your child tells someone at school what his dad is doing, is your house going to still be more important then your child to you when you have social services involved.

Original poster
LaTristesse · 28/04/2015 20:16

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think in the past when these episodes have been pretty spread out I've managed to bury my head in the sand, but since this weekend I've realised he's just not listening to reason. I told him on Monday either the stuff left or he did, and he begrudgingly handed it over, but I'm sure he had some rolled up already or something as he's been pretty 'dull' for want of a better description this evening, and I just on't trust him anymore when he told me he gave me everything.
Do you think Relate or something would help him see reason here? I don't want to think of him as an addict as he's had long periods where he hasn't had anything. Or is that me being naive?
awful... we own outright - no mortgage, but he's the main breadwinner. I just do 2 days working for myself so can't afford to either buy him out or even support the children on my own. I have no idea where to start with benefits etc, and we have no family nearby. The children are 5 and 3.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 28/04/2015 20:40

There are online benefits calculators. I also recommend a trip to a family law solicitor, do you can round out the image of what your financial position will be.

He has to go, or this will be your life: stress, broken ultimatums, becoming a nag, becoming his warden, endlessly being lied to, health scares, and living in fear of the day when your children find his stash.

Cherryapple1 · 28/04/2015 20:47

If I were you I would tell your GP, HV and anyone else official. Then when you do leave and if he tries to take you to court for access you have proof of his behaviour. I would think he wouldn't bother though quite frankly.

Legal highs are so bloody dangerous, untested, no one brand is regulated so formulations can change from batch to batch. Really terrifying. You need to get your children away from him yesterday. Relate is an utter waste of time. Stop clutching at straws. You cannot control this, all you can do is decide what you are going to do. And yes - he is an addict.

SilverBadger · 28/04/2015 23:33

Definitely see a solicitor. This is "unreasonable behaviour" and grounds for divorce. And he can forget about unsupervised contact with the DCs. And it's enough to get an order barring him from the house. What a twat.

shadowfax07 · 29/04/2015 00:25

OP, how many of these shops are in your area? There was one recently shut down near me because of anti social behaviour by its customers. Just wondering if you could start a campaign to get it closed down, but if there are others close by, it won't solve your problem.

Quite frankly, I'd kick my DP into the middle of next week if he started taking legal highs in front of our dog, let alone young children. Please protect yours.

Original poster
LaTristesse · 29/04/2015 12:30

Thanks everyone. So despite telling me yesterday he definite;y handed it all over when I asked him too, he is now currently passed out in the conservatory. He hasn't been in to work this week. I told my Mum this morning and made an appt with Relate. It's a start... I'm also looking into finding a family law solicitor. I guess I should start a new post about divorce proceedings. I feel so dreadfully sorry for my children. Like I've failed them :(
(I know it's him that has, but I feel awful for them)

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 29/04/2015 12:54

Bonjour Tristesse!
Drugs are terrible and capricious mistresses. You can't do anything to save him or to save your marriage. I think that yes the best for you is to cut contacts with him. In custody arrangements you must voice your concerns to professional people so that they never ever allow him with the kids on his own without your presence.
Your kids must learn that there are people who lose control over themselves and you can't help them and the best is to stay far away from them lest they drag you down. These people might be close to you (A FATHER!) but it is like when you have a gangrene in a leg/hand. You have to amputate it lest it eats the whole of you. All you can do is pray/hope that things might become better and that he will find himself out of the drugs claws. Make sure to go and visit him with the kids and to give him some support that does not endanger you or your kids (baking for him things he likes- tking care of his clothes when he is too down and let himself down etc things a charitable person would do for a once nice uncle that is loosing it...) Boundaries to any help you give him must be clearly in place. Good Luck! My hearts goes to you and your kids.

TurnItIn · 29/04/2015 13:03

Oh OP. You poor thing.

I'm not sure Relate will be able to help too much as this is drifting into some highly addictive behaviour on your DH's part.

Nar Anon I hope this link may help you a little bit.

Jan45 · 29/04/2015 13:06

Didn't think for a second he had given you it all, it will be all over your house, he has a serious problem, don't let it become yours and your kids! What a waster.

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