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Original poster

Going nowhere? Anyone had experience of this...

42 replies

supermazetree · 28/04/2015 09:33

Been officially with DP for 3 years, known him for longer and lived with him for 2. We are both fast approaching 30. We have talked about marriage, kids and buying a home. In honesty, I am ready for all those things, now. Perhaps the baby part could wait another year or so. But we have the money for a deposit, and both in steady jobs. I have started to get a bit frustrated with never moving forwards. Regularly, for instance, DP will say I can't wait to marry you, or when walking past a family, 'one day that will be us.' He talks about buying a place all the time.

But...when it comes down to it, there's no ring on my finger, no viewings for a new place and if I seriusly mention hving kids, he says in a jokey way 'yes in a year, or two, or three...' Then he smiles. I don't really find this funny anymore - I have been completely genuine when talking about a future with him. I have also queried why, if he wants to marry me, hasn't he proposed. His answer to this is quite defensive, 'it's not the right time,' or 'x and y haven't got enagaged yet and I'msure they've talked about marriage.' Asking a partner why he hasn't proposed is not something I ever wanted to do, but it go to the point where the regularity of him telling me he wated to marry me was a bit of a joke. Immature, almost. With regards to the house buying, he always seems to have a time in the future when this will be better - when we have more money, in a few months, etc etc. There's never a real reason.

If it had been me alone pushing for all these things, I would understand. But it's not. He initiates conversations about thes things all the time - just noting ever comes of it. And I'm not saying I want them all right this second...but we just don't move forwards at all. I have asked him outright what is going on and he just says there's no rush. I'm not looking to rush anything - I thought we were on the same page and was excited about our future and wanted to make a start on it.

On an almost weekly basis I see our friends moving forwards with their lives...new house, baby, etc. That is NOT the reason I want these things, (I want them because I've always wanted them), but it does inidicate to me that perhaps I'm with the wrong partner.

Am I missing something here?

OP posts:

cailindana · 28/04/2015 09:46

Nope. You need to sit down with him and say you're tired of vagueness and it's very arrogant and selfish of him to think he can dangle this life in front of you without giving you any idea of what's going to happen. Tell him you either discuss a solid timeline for the future or you'll have reconsider the whole relationship.

My DH used to do the same thing - it was due to him considering the whole show to be about his life and I was just a tag-along. I had to rid him of that idea pretty damn sharp but it still caused huge issues along the way, in terms of him making big decisions without really considering the impact on me.

You need to take control of things now, or this will continue.

Original poster

supermazetree · 28/04/2015 09:52

Thanks for your response. You say your DH... so it worked out for you?

If I pressure DP into giving me a timeline, he would come up with one. But I've been there before. The timeline comes and goes and nothing changes because something else will always crop up.

If I gave an ultimatum, he would suddenly become all moral and righteous, and tell me that he didn't want to be with someone who gave anultimatum anyway, and that I couldn't love him if I did that, and that was unfair, adn then he would quote the couples who haven't yet got married or had kids. Then I feel guilty...then I stay..then nothign changes.

What did you do?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 28/04/2015 09:58

I see this as a sign that the reality is a little scary to your DP. It often happens when moving from the freedom and uncomplicated 20s into the woooo scariness of 30s when responsibility is looming. Very understandable.

Maybe rather than a conversation that makes him feel painted into a corner you can suggest this is a joint discussion about your shared future where you both need to be bought into that vision. Tell him it could be an exciting time and one you can shape together but he needs to give you signs that he wants it too.

Not an ultimatum that wouldn't be good but maybe leave him to ponder on it and if he doesn't respond positively it may mean he doesn't want a future with you. I think it sounds like he just needs a "formal" nudge and not just idle this year next year sometime never when you are looking in shop windows or similar.

cailindana · 28/04/2015 09:59

My situation was slightly different. So, I would say to DH, "we should move in together" and he'd hum and haw and say he wasn't ready, then a few months down the line spring the decision on me and I'd be expected to be ok with it. He did this a few times - moving in, marriage, children and I put up with it when I absolutely shouldn't have. So he did want those things he just didn't think at all about the fact that we were two equal adults and that he couldn't just spring things on me when he felt like it. It caused massive problems but we did work it out. We've been married 7 years now. We still have some issues but essentially things did work out.

From your post it seems like your DP is a bit of a dickhead really. The whole righteous thing and "you can't love me" bullshit is the hallmark of an immature idiot who isn't ready for a grown up relationship. Sorry to say this but it might be time to give him up as a bad job.

Velvetbee · 28/04/2015 10:02

Propose. And be prepared to walk away if he says 'no'. That'll focus his mind pretty damn sharpish.
He doesn't yet see your views as important as his.

cailindana · 28/04/2015 10:06

As two equal adults in a partnership it has to be the case that you both know what's going on at all times. He seems like my DH in the sense that he has it in his own mind when he'll be ready for things like marriage etc and he expects you to just hang on and wait until he clicks his fingers and decides he wants to move ahead. That is not acceptable and you cannot enter a marriage with someone with that attitude.

I agree with Velvet - it might be worth proposing and being prepared to walk away if he says no. There is a chance that he doesn't want to move ahead at all and is just keeping you stringing along.

daisychain01 · 28/04/2015 10:12

The other thing to mention is that the reason for making it a joint discussion (s) is you need to talk about priorities re the order of things such as having DCS first or getting married first housing etc. These are the big things that will shape the oder you both decide to so things.

Psychologically as you are planning it out the process will start to make it feel more like a reality to your DP hopefully and also you will get to fully understand how each of you feel about that stuff.

daisychain01 · 28/04/2015 10:14

Cailin you are being quite rude about someone you don't know!

cailindana · 28/04/2015 10:16

Eh ok thanks for that daisy, I'll take it under advisement.

FenellaFellorick · 28/04/2015 10:21

I guess the key question is what are you willing to do for the life you want to have?

Do you want to be with him even if that means never marrying or having children?

Or do you want to marry and have children even if that means the person you do that with is not him?

I agree that you cannot wait around for proposals or hand control of a timeline to him. You need to sit down and say this is what I want. I hope that you want this too, but if it is not what you want then we have a problem.

You don't want to look back in 30 years and wish you'd done things differently. It'll be too late.

BabyTuckoo · 28/04/2015 10:33

You sound very passive in the relationship, OP, or is it that you feel powerless? I think that as a general rule, people do what they want. My longterm partner desperately wanted to marry me, but I wasn't keen (on the institution, not on him) but I agreed on practical grounds when we were about to have a child - he was the one to organise it all, book the registry office, notice of marriage, witnesses etc, and I just showed up.

Take control yourself and start directing your lives in the way you want - propose to him, start looking at mortgages and properties etc. Why are his wishes more important than yours. But don't have a child in this situation.

DinosaursRoar · 28/04/2015 11:22

OP - the most striking thing is you have previously pushed for a timeframe, but then that's passed and nothing's happened, so there is no point pushing again, as a 'time frame' isn't actually binding in his mind unless he wants it to be, it's just a way to shut you up for a year/2 years/however long ahead he gets you to agree to it.

You could propose, push the timings, but I'd be very careful about doing that. He's quite clear, he's not ready for marriage, house buying and children. (I'd do it in that order if I was you!). You are 'fast approaching 30' - you do't really have 5 years to bob along, perhaps have the house, but not the marriage or DCs, and then it being expensive and tricky to move on if it's clear the rest isn't going ot be forthcoming.

Can you afford to buy on your own? Even if not the 'dream home' you'd be able to afford with him. I would stop discussing it with him, he's not going to offer youthe lifestyle you want, so perhaps start on your own. Go looking for flats/houses. Tell him you are doing it, you'll be moving out, or would he like to pool resources and buy with you and continue to live together? Being the one to make the decision to continue to rent is no longer an option.

Then make your own timeframe - when do you want to start trying for your first DC, 3/4 years? do you want to be married first? Then spell that out to him, he has at maximum 12 months to propose, or at that point you will be running out of time on your time frame to find someone else to do those things with, so you'll be ending this relationship, and if he does intend to ask you to marry him within 12 months, what's stopping you getting engaged right now? What's going to change in his mind in 12 months time? If the answer is, "I'm not ready to get married" reply with "well I am, so perhaps this relationship should end."

Hard to do - but he does hold all the cards unless you are prepared to walk away. Right now, he knows you're not as he's had 'deadlines' before and you've both allowed them to slip.

runningoutofpatience · 28/04/2015 12:07

My friend went through this and her approach was, in my opinion, brilliant. She sat down with her DP and explained that marriage and kids was something she was serious about and that she wanted to do it with him. She said that she had a deadline in her mind of when he needed to get his act together by, but she was NOT telling him when the deadline was. If he missed it, she would leave. She was deadly serious. She explained that she was not going to waste years on him if he was not prepared to give her the commitment she deserved.

Within a few months he proposed, they are now married with kids and I think it is safe to say, knowing them both well, that he has never looked back. He is a great husband and they are a great team - he just needed that push at that time.

BabyTuckoo · 28/04/2015 12:13

Running, that sounds a bit mad of your friend. Why on earth would she tell her partner that she had a deadline for him to 'get his act together by', but she wasn't telling him when that deadline was, only that she would leave if he missed it??? Why would you resort to those kinds of mind games about something so serious?

I'm not sure ultimatums are ever that effective (because the people who make them are seldom prepared to act on them), but an undated ultimatum makes no sense to me!

runningoutofpatience · 28/04/2015 12:15

She only told me about it after she had done it, but it worked! She is a very strong person and would most definitely have left if he had let her down, even though she loves him dearly.

BabyTuckoo · 28/04/2015 12:31

But what was the actual deadline? Was he supposed to try to figure out if that meant a proposal before Christmas, or a baby before she turned 35 or what? I have this vision of a confused man sitting down with a calendar and a pencil trying to work it out...?

Vivacia · 28/04/2015 12:32

I'm really, really sorry OP but I don't think he wants to marry you, buy a home with you or have a family with you.

Why were you "unofficial" at first?

Handywoman · 28/04/2015 14:11

OP have you asked yourself why you're happy to be a less-than-equal partner in your relationship? Sounds to me like he plays the starring role, you are the 'supporting actress' in this relationship. If that doesn't change, then, in my opinion, you are sleepwalking into a marriage where you'll be left with all the responsibility for children and childcare and house (while probably also holding down a job). And he will be very unhappy when you suddenly demand that he pull his weight in your relationship. I would bail on this relationship tbh in favour of someone more grownup.

DinosaursRoar · 28/04/2015 14:33

BabyTuckoo - I guess the issue is, if he wants to get married to her, why should he wait until he's at the limit of his 'deadline'? Once it's clear that your DP will leave you at some point in the near future if you don't agree to move forward in your relationship, why would you not get on straight away with moving forward unless you didn't want that from the relationship - 6 months wouldn't make a massive difference.

pompodd · 28/04/2015 14:37

OP, speaking as a man, he's basically happy with the way things are. He probably doesn't value your opinion that highly and knows (because prior experience with you has shown him this) that you won't give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

Sorry, that isn't probably what you want to hear.

I think you need to force him to make a choice and to realise what he might lose - so it's either marriage, house etc committed to within a timescale that you are happy with. Or it's the end of the relationship. And if he says he's committed to it, you MUST hold him to it. None of this bullshit about something else cropping up.

At the moment he can tell you what he thinks you want to hear but not actually do anything about it. Change that. Now. You may ultimately not get the answer you want. But at least you will know.

Twinklestein · 28/04/2015 14:53

From this I would less concerned that he doesn't want to marry you and more concerned that he's a twat. It's a very immature response and primarily an evasion.

I would say: this is your final ultimatum and I know it will be followed by your usual evasion tactics. The bottom line is: if you do not pull yourself together and follow talk with action within x timeframe, then it is over. It is entirely possible to love someone and give them an ultimatum, indeed I am doing so because I love you and want to move forward. But if don't want to be with someone who would give you an ultimatum then we need to split up.

Twinklestein · 28/04/2015 14:54

Either he wants to marry you and have kids etc or he doesn't, and if he doesn't the sooner you know the better.

MaxiPriestess · 28/04/2015 15:11

I think the word "ultimatum" makes it somehow sound like you are stamping your foot and being stroppy. Whereas it is perfectly reasonable (IMHO) to say: I want to get married, buy a house and have kids. I want to do this in the next couple of years. I love you, and I want to do these things with you, but if you don't want to do these things, then I need you to tell me now so that I have the chance to do them with someone else. If, on the other hand, you want the same as me, as you have said you do on numerous occasions, then I would like to get engaged please, set a date for our wedding, and start house hunting.

Twinklestein · 28/04/2015 15:16

I don't think the word implies she's being stroppy, it's just a word, but he is trying to pejoratively characterise it as such.

DinosaursRoar · 28/04/2015 15:57

oh yes, it's standard behaviour to turn an ultimatum around so that rather than accept that it's perfectly valid for a woman to say "this is what I want from life, if you aren't interested in having the same things then we aren't compatable so I should leave", they make it out that you are the one in wrong for daring to have an opinion on what you want. (remember a thread a few months ago from a woman who issued an ultimatum and her DP told her that he had planned to ask her to marry him, but she'd 'ruined' the surprise now, and he wouldn't be told to ask, so he owuldn't ask her now. Everyone told her to leave, he basically still wasn't asking her to marry him, just now it was officially her fault, not his.)

OP - you can issue an ultimatum - or rather, spell out what you want and ask him if he really wants the same things in the same timeframe, or you can not ask him, not issue an ultimatum. Not issuing the ultimatum can be done in 2 ways, one just bobbing along, being miserable and hoping he turns out to do what you want in the times you want, or just end the relationship without giving him the opportunity to salvage your relationship by moving forward with you.

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