Going nowhere? Anyone had experience of this...

[supermazetree]

Been officially with DP for 3 years, known him for longer and lived with him for 2. We are both fast approaching 30. We have talked about marriage, kids and buying a home. In honesty, I am ready for all those things, now. Perhaps the baby part could wait another year or so. But we have the money for a deposit, and both in steady jobs. I have started to get a bit frustrated with never moving forwards. Regularly, for instance, DP will say I can't wait to marry you, or when walking past a family, 'one day that will be us.' He talks about buying a place all the time.

But...when it comes down to it, there's no ring on my finger, no viewings for a new place and if I seriusly mention hving kids, he says in a jokey way 'yes in a year, or two, or three...' Then he smiles. I don't really find this funny anymore - I have been completely genuine when talking about a future with him. I have also queried why, if he wants to marry me, hasn't he proposed. His answer to this is quite defensive, 'it's not the right time,' or 'x and y haven't got enagaged yet and I'msure they've talked about marriage.' Asking a partner why he hasn't proposed is not something I ever wanted to do, but it go to the point where the regularity of him telling me he wated to marry me was a bit of a joke. Immature, almost. With regards to the house buying, he always seems to have a time in the future when this will be better - when we have more money, in a few months, etc etc. There's never a real reason.

If it had been me alone pushing for all these things, I would understand. But it's not. He initiates conversations about thes things all the time - just noting ever comes of it. And I'm not saying I want them all right this second...but we just don't move forwards at all. I have asked him outright what is going on and he just says there's no rush. I'm not looking to rush anything - I thought we were on the same page and was excited about our future and wanted to make a start on it.

On an almost weekly basis I see our friends moving forwards with their lives...new house, baby, etc. That is NOT the reason I want these things, (I want them because I've always wanted them), but it does inidicate to me that perhaps I'm with the wrong partner.

Am I missing something here?

A lot of 30 year old can be quite immature when it comes to shifting up a gear from having minimal responsibility to cracking on with mortgage kids etc.

The temptation is to "blame" one or other of the parties when maybe it's both people who need to act maturely have the grown up conversation and decide if it's a go-er or not.

Sorry 30 year olds that should say.

he dangles the carrot really well doesn't he, you never quite reach it but it's always there, to keep you in line and hoping you'll get there soon.

he doesn't want to marry or have children with you. you are his 'will do for now' partner.

sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear.

You'll get the odd person or two saying their relationship started out the same and now they're numerous happily married years and several children down the line.

more often couples like you guys eventually split and he's off, married and has popped out a few kids with someone else a couple of years later.

if you want children, don't waste any more years with this man.

Or he might marry you - actually the least threatening change to his self-perception of being ever-youthful and fancy free - but several years down the line you might still be renting and have run out of time to have DCs, because it's never a good time to buy a house (after all, the market is in a bubble!) or have babies (how could we afford them?!) The point is, if someone is only half-hearted about building a life with you and being your equal partner, you need to move on sooner rather than later. Don't waste your fertility on a man who sounds selfish, manipulative and immature.

or something - he might go for buying the house, but while hte OP might take that as a sign he's committed to her, really that's a committment to the bank and an investment. making a financial investment is not the same as planning to share your life with someone.

Hello Super

It seems you are emotionally ready to move forwards with marriage, house, children eg responsibility

However, I dont get the feeling that this is the man for you

Your partner may be saying some of the right things (to keep you happy), but his actions do not say the same thing

I dont think he is emotionally ready & you may not be the girl for him

You have given him enough chances

I would walk away & find someone who wants the same as you

You are 30, so you need to start again (time ticking)

Within a year you could have met the man of your dreams, be married, with house & planning children

Be brave

Good luck

What did you do when he did not stick to the previous timeline he agreed with you?

What do you do when he says you can't really love him if you give ultimatums?

If I gave an ultimatum,

Well this only works if you are prepared to follow through.

In a lot of ways, it's no different from what he's doing to you "my ultimatum is that if you pressure me now, I will leave you because I want to keep the free sex and companionship with no commitment on my part".

I think Running's friend's approach is actually a work of genius. It's not mind games - it's just making a clear statement of "this is what I want; there is a clock running and you need to know that; if you are serious, you'll try to beat the clock'; if you aren't, I'll have caught you out and I'm out the door".

It's clever because it gives an ultimatum without the weakness of "it's by next Tuesday and I'm out the door" - in which case if Tuesday comes and goes, there is no change.#

Again, it is only of value if the giver really will follow through and be out the door.

I'd add that it's probably worth considering how many people all of us know who were in relationships like this - long term where one partner (usually but not always the woman) and their friends had expectations of marriage that never happened - relationship ends after years - and within 6 months, exiting partner has got engaged and married to someone (he) was feeling it with.

Great posts Cailindana. Thank you for your words. I'm in more or less the same situation as the op the difference being that we don't even live together. We have gone around in circles for about 18 months with him 'getting used to the idea' and 'why are you in such a rush'
He is awesome but maybe he'll never be ready as he is emotionally immature. I'm so tired of being in limbo and having no one to kiss goodnight - ds is different!
I started a thread last year and received all the same advice... Didn't act and am now in the exact same situation.

Yes I have although I never let it get to the three year stage. I had only been dating the guy for about 3-4 months and although he kept saying "we must do this" "looking forward to that" etc etc. The things never actually happened. I just knew that I couldn't live my life like that and ended it. If he's doing it after 3 years then he's unlikely to change. You need to be very firm and tell him what you want otherwise you could waste another 3 years waiting for things that will never happen.

I've never experienced the 'ticking of the clock' so I can't comment on how it makes you feel, but I do think all this setting deadlines business makes everything a bit like homework (ie, it's got to be in by ....) If he's unable to make you happy move on

Agreed. sounds like he is happy as it is, maybe just waiting to see if something better happens along.
Its not just about him, you want commitment & a family, you do have a very real time scale in view of this. he should try & see the picture from your perspective, he he doesn't then I'd be off anyway.

It sounds like he's the kind of person who gets sufficient rewards from fantasising about an idea and making promises, so that he doesn't actually have to take the steps to make it real anymore.

You were pleased when he made "One day, this will be us!" comments So was he. And that was enough for him. So you're still waiting for him to follow through, while as far as he is concerned, he already did the pleasurable action: dreamed a little dream, and made a statement that pleaded you.

He's not going to follow through. He may believe that he intends to, but that too is just a thought exercise. Not an action, not a reality.

You have to take the choice into your own hands, waiting for a dreamy ditherer will get you nowhere. So propose to him and set a date, or walk out, or issue an ultimatum and be prepared to walk out exactly at the moment that your conditions are not met.

Or stay and wait in frustration. Which will mean exactly no change, just continued unhappiness and dashed hopes for you.

I think the ultimatum with the unspecified deadline was absolutely the right way to go about it and don't at all consider it mind games. It's leaving the ball completely in the other person's court, where it belongs, and furthermore leaving them in no doubt that they are making that decision based only on what they themselves want, right now, and not on an ultimately arbitrary deadline. Haven't ever heard of that approach before. Spot on.

If I'm ever in this situation that is what I'll be doing.

Good luck, OP. Sleepwalking into a passive role in a relationship that's not-quite-good-enough where you don't ever actually get the things that matter to you is not a happy ending!

I have a friend who was in a similar position. She waited and waited and more or less gave herself an ulcer. Their 10th anniversary came and went, no proposal or talk of the future (they did live together in a house he owned- and had owned before they got together). 11th anniversary came and went and she ended up crying on my shoulder in the pub (we were early thirties, I was married with a child). Then their 12th anniversary rolled round and she ended up getting pissed and giving him a piece of her mind. They had a massive row and he agreed to get arrived under serious duress.

They're getting married in September and she's all on cloud 9 but he's got a face like Thunder, won't discuss it, has said NO big dress, NO bridesmaids, even no cake!!!!!!!!!!! And she's going along with it because she's just thrilled he's agreeed to marry her. She's so passive in the relationship and my heart breaks for her.

OP don't be like my friend. Get out and find someone who wants what you want.

Married not arrived.

I don't have experience of the exact situation you are in, but I do have experience of being in a relationship with a man who's actions did not match his words. He would say he loved me, was going to do various things to make the relationship better (cut down on drinking, spend more time doing family things, contribute to housework, look at wedding venues etc...). It was a mindfuck because I was constantly second guessing him. What he said and did was all so incongruous .

It turned out it that overall, he was lying, telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, what he thought would make life easy for him. What I really wanted to hear was the truth, so I could make informed decisions about what to do with my own and my DC's life.

I hope that you have a happy ending, and he is just being immature, getting cold feet or whatever.

But whatever his reason, I know it's so difficult to be in relationship with someone who states an intention but doesn't act on it, it's cruel and confusing. I would ask yourself whether or not you want to continue with a relationship with someone who is like this.