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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't want to be the bastard. Please advise.

34 replies

putmestraight123 · 27/04/2015 23:01

This is my first post, but you don't have to be gentle because I was being a bastard and I absolutely hate myself for it.

My story. I've been together with my wife for about 10 years and we have 1 DS. Things haven't been great for a few years, but I absolutely love my DW, and my family is the most important thing to me. I've been a bit disconnected from my DW partially due to mismatch of sex drives. My DW would be OK having sex once a month and she never initiates it, while I am quite happy to do it twice a day. We talked numerous times over the last 7-8 years regarding this. I mentioned, in fact begged, that we need some romance in our life where we show each other by words and actions that we care for and love each other. We've agreed, as a compromise, to have sex, roughly, twice a week. However, that didn't last long and we're back to squre one on this issue. This is the background.

I've known a woman through my hobby for about 4 years now. The first time I met her, I was quite attracted to her and we hit it off straight. We used to meet each other through our hobby and mutual friends once a week. We've become quite close friends during this period, but I always had feelings for her. I presume the feeling's were mutual from her too, but we both respected my situation of being a married man without ever verbalising it. Apart from this, we're quite open in our communication and nearly nothing is out of bounds in our conversation. I know that we'd be compatible emotionally and sexually. A couple of years aog, after a few drinks I expressed my feelings to her and she said that she felt the same. The next day after the alcohol wore off, I was quite shocked that I blurted out my feelings and was scared that I am putting my marriage and family at risk. Consequently I reduced my partake in the hobby and meeting this woman to about once a month (compared to once a week). I felt that it was working until recently when we went out with a few friends. Both of us were a bit merry, but not drunk, and I said that I love her and we shared a passionate kiss. However, thankfully we stopped at that. At that time it felt great and I felt I was alive. However, since then I've been quite angry with myself. I feel guilty that I did this to my wife. Even though we didn't have sex, I feel I cheated on my lovely DW. I feel I've let everyone down and I am finding quite difficult to cope with the guilt. My feelings are all over the place. My DW thought that my mood is because of a work related issue. I was quite close in disclosing to her on an occasion, but didn't (If she finds out she'd be devastated and almost certianly would be the end of our marriage). I've now decided to cut down on meeting my friend even further (stopping one-to-one completely), because now I feel that I don't trust myself. However, I am meeting some mutual friends in the next two weeks, who'd be here for a short visit. My friend will also be there and I am dreading it.

Although I have strong feelings for my friend leaving my wife is not an option. The reason I am posting this is to seek some advise and your opinions as to how I can untangle myself from this messy situation.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 27/04/2015 23:05

Of course you can leave your wife if that's what you want to do. Honestly. It might seem impossible but plenty of people divorce all the time - you sound mismatched. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Yes you overstepped the line with this other woman and you can treat it as a massive wake up call. If you want to try and sort things out with your wife I think you should be absolutely honest and tell her everything you've written here and try and start over again. Maybe she doesn't realise just how bad things have become.

LD29 · 27/04/2015 23:07

If u value your marriage you need to stop contact with your friend. Go somewhere else for your hobby. View this as an addiction. Next time 1 kiss will not be enough, so u need to 'quit' now before it's too late. All addicts need to make tough changes to succeed I'm afraid.

TheOldWiseOne · 27/04/2015 23:18

This is ringing bells...there was someone on here just the other day talking about her husband and his hobby...???

Ledkr · 27/04/2015 23:21

I thought the same wise

SelfLoathing · 27/04/2015 23:24

Is this a reverse thread? are you actually the wife?

Jackw · 27/04/2015 23:25

Also, you should be thinking about why your wife has gone off sex with you. Is she exhausted from caring for your child, resentful about anything in your relationship? Are you a selfish lover and not very good at giving her pleasure? You say you want to have romance and show by words and actions that you care for each other but these things shouldn't always be just because you want to have sex. Perhaps,if you invest some energy and thought into making your wife feel loved, cared for and appreciated (rather than just trying to have sex with her) things could improve. I wonder if marriage counselling would be helpful.

Apologies if you have tried all this and she is still rejecting you. I don't want to make you feel like you are at fault if you are not. Just some questions to consider.

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/04/2015 23:39

jackw maybe she doesn't fancy him? Sorry OP! So many are quick to jump in by saying its the mans fault. You could be husband of the year but if you don't have a spark you..well..don't have a spark.
You have two choices

leave and pursue other avenues.
stay and accept your sexless marriage. Cheating is in my opinion unforgivable and will bring you far more problems than the other two options. Can you really live out the rest of your life with option 2?

Jackw · 27/04/2015 23:51

Well, but there is an option 3 which is to work on the marriage but yes, I take your point, sometimes, sadly, the spark is utterly extinguished.

ancientbuchanan · 28/04/2015 00:01

Go and get some counselling, sex related. If it doesn't work, at least you've tried

Jackw · 28/04/2015 00:10

Except, sex problems are so often a reflection of relationship problems, it would be a mistake to focus the counselling on sex only, as if this is the wife's problem only to fix.

Ouchbloodyouch · 28/04/2015 06:47

I went out with a lovely man. A really decent bloke. On paper the relationship (and he) was perfect. I just couldn't touch him by the end.

SunshineAndShadows · 28/04/2015 06:53

I find it interesting that your compromise to increase romance is to have sex. Sex and romance are not equivalent for many women.

Why doesn't your wife want sex? Is she exhausted, frustrated? Do you pull your weight at home and ensure that she has time to relax and unwind? If you're serious about staying with your wife you seriously need to work on your marriage and get to the root of this mismatch - relationship counselling perhaps?

And please don't have an affair. Either leave your wife or work on your marriage but don't lie and deceive.

Nolim · 28/04/2015 06:54

Go to counselling. Your marital problems are not going to magically disappear.

MangoBiscuit · 28/04/2015 07:03

So you "begged" your wife for more "romance" and compromised on having sex much more than she'd like, without seemingly finding out why she doesn't want sex, or fixing any issues. Then when this didn't last long, you seem to have started looking elsewhere.

Maybe there are no issues and the spark is just gone, but from your OP I feel pretty sorry for your wife.

Hobbitwife001 · 28/04/2015 07:19

Is this hobby cycling OP? Interested to know.

Higgle · 28/04/2015 07:24

The sex issue will be difficult to resolve with your wife. Not many women would really want to have sex twice daily in a long term relationship (I think) work, childcare etc etc. just get in the way. There is nothing that puts you off sex more than feeling pressured. Twice a week is lovely if that is what you both want, twice a week when you know your DH really wants it twice a day is a huge turn off.

You will get lots of good advice on here but what I have to say is don't go down the route of not talking and further compromise just to keep things going. OK, you cut the OW out of your life and compromise more on sex at home, you try to inject more real romance into your marriage. This won't solve the problems unless you achieve a mindset of it being what you really 100% want. You would just end up living your life like two captive animals in the zoo.

A lot of my friends turned 60 recently ( yes, very old ) it is a time for refelection about life and I've been surprised about how many couples are not sharing beds anymore, mutter about no sex, no real meeting of minds and no enthusiasm for their relationships. They will talk about this to me if they are the female half or DH is the male half. These problems can go on a lifetime if you don't tackle them. I'd agree with the posts that you need outside help to resolve the problems, this can help you actually accept and in bed changes into your life rather than feel you are just giving in to someone else.

pocketsaviour · 28/04/2015 07:34

Has your wife always had a lower sex drive than you, or has it lowered in recent years?

You say your wife compromised by agreeing to more sex, but what did you agree to change in return?

IrianofWay · 28/04/2015 12:00

"Sex and romance are not equivalent for many women. "

Yup!

fairylightsbackintheloft · 28/04/2015 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ATerribleBeauty · 28/04/2015 12:17

Op clearly said he and his wife need more romance shown by words and actions.
I think Putme should tell his wife that their sexual mismatch is having an impact on their marriage. I wish my exH had told me instead of having an affair and destroying our relationship completely.

Original poster

putmestraight123 · 29/04/2015 01:10

Thanks to all for your responses.

Fairylea, leaving is not an option at all. I can't bear the thought of the utter turmoil this will bring to my DW and I can't imagine not being part of my DS' life full time.

LD29, it's interesting you mentioned it in terms of addiction.

JackW, this is an old problem, started well before our DS was born. So I really can't say that it's due to caring for our DS. I wish I knew the answer. After ruling out various other reasons (stress from a new job and her granda passing away), my DW suspected the reason being something physical. She did her own research and saw her GP and got tested privately for hormone imbalance amongst other things. The results weren't conclusive. This was however a long time ago. I sometimes used to wonder if the "spark is extinguished" as you put it. I'd like to think that I am not a selfish lover. Some TMI alert....she orgasms most of the time we have sex and they're quite intense too (wish mine were like that!). Sometimes, I used to joke with her that if she finds the experience so pleasurable why doesn't she want to do it more often.

SunshineAndShadows, before our DS we used to split the household chores pretty much 50-50. After DS, now my DW is a SAHM. I'd say currently I do about 20%. She doesn't have the problem with this but sometimes she gets annoyed that I need prompting to do my share.

Higgle, what you say about your friends who are in 60s is also one of my worries.

pocketsaviour, my DW's sex drive has always been lower than mine, but it's become alarmingly different after about a couple of years in to the relationship. My side of the compromise was that I wouldn't initiate it more than twice a week. Not very romanti, I know, but that was one of the things we agreed.

The other people who mentioned about similar posts elsewhere or it being a reverse thread: the answer is NO. Also, I wouldn't like to disclose the hobby for obvious reasons. sorry.

When I think about it rationally (whenever my mind allows for it), I think I'd have found my friend attractive in many ways, regardless of the issues in my marriage. However it wouldn't have come to this stage if it wasn't for those issues. Here I am now, not being able to stop thinking about my friend; dreading that I might have played a part in her failed relationships; with the guilt of betraying my DW's trust and putting my DS's upbringing under a loving and caring full time parents at risk. I should stop, however difficult it'd be, before it's too late. This has the potentialto fuck up everyones lives. Also, it's not fair to my friend in case she has any hope that we might get together.

So, the general advise seems to be to work on my marriage and cut out the contact with my friend and stop the hobby. I've already decided to stop meeting her alone. The next two meetings as I mentioned in the OP would be a litmus test. If I find difficult to keep my feelings in check, then I will stop my hobby all together. Working on my marriage is not that clear cut though. I don't know what else we could do apart from relationship counselling as some of you suggested, although I am not sure if this is the right time, with the current state of my mind. This would also be quite challenging for me as I am quite a private person and express my feelings only to the closest.

OP posts:

fairylightsbackintheloft · 29/04/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fearless91 · 29/04/2015 13:59

You know you shouldn't have kissed this woman however your wife is doing nothing to help the no sex life which to me says she isn't that bothered.

I think you need to have a proper chat with your wife.

pocketsaviour · 29/04/2015 14:12

Just going back to your OP:
I mentioned, in fact begged, that we need some romance in our life where we show each other by words and actions that we care for and love each other.

Did you discuss what that looks like for both of you? For example I imagine that you find sex is an expression of love and caring, however I'm guessing that your wife gets that sense of intimacy from other acts.

Do you get much time to yourselves without the DC?

I think in your position I would be asking my partner to lay it on the line - does she think she would want sex more if XYZ happened, or is she of the opinion that "I will never want more sex than I do now". If it's the latter, would she consider opening the relationship to allow you to have a FWB arrangement (probably not, but worth an ask).

At some point you're going to ask yourself if you can live with a once a month unenthusiastic sex life that leaves you feeling rejected and unwanted. If that resentment begins to spill out into the rest of the marriage, then it's not going to be pretty for anyone :(

nicenewdusters · 29/04/2015 16:47

I don't think you should test yourself by seeing this woman only in a group. You know what's happened before, things have escalated.

If you're not going to leave your wife, and you want things to work, it has to be without anybody else on the horizon.

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