Holiday Over A Year Away And Im Already....

[tasha24x]

I have posted 2 threads previously. Cut a long story short, I basically cheated on my partner years ago (never more than a kiss) but with someone from work. Stopped speaking to the person and didnt tell my partner until 2 years later whilst away on holiday.

It may sound strange but I was/am fine plodding away in normal busy everyday life with working/my child etc but the thoughts of 'romantic meals, nights away & especially holidays scare me'. Even though I have nothing to hide etc, I still panic at the thought. He recently suprised me with anight away (told me the day before) & i instantly panicked/cried. Ridiculous I know. Ive tried councelling, Im on citrapram 40mg & I am currently having hypnotherapy, I am wondering if anyone thinks I have just put up a wall about these things becuae I didnt enjoy them for so long before I told him & when I did it was because we we were away?

It may sound daft to people but it effects me & my family massively & I feel like I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.

Why do you worry about those things? What exactly is it you worry about? Do you not want to spend time with your partner?

Thats the thing, I do. I love him & we are best friends, in home & everyday life not alot worries me (sometimes nights out) but I wonder if im just like this cause i used to feel like it before i told him?
There will always be little things he wont & doesnt need to know but I can take the tiniest thing & blow it into something huge for me to worry about.
Im a natural/terrible worrier anyway but since this im also terribly anxious too!

You sure you love him?
You cheated on him, and you're scared to spend time alone with him.
Why did you cheat?
Maybe you're just not ready to admit to yourself you don't want to be with him.

I cheated not long after we had a child together, I wasnt in the right frame of my mind to be honest & it wasnt until one day it hit me...like a slap in the face that i realised that I did love him & what I was doing was wrong.

I do adore him & really enjoy his company & like I said we are best friends too. If I didnt want to be with him, I would walk away.
I do spend alone time with him at home & we do go for nights out down our local pub & the odd meal. Its just the thought of being away from home whether in a hotel or abroad that worries me which may sound really odd.

This sounds similar to a phobia. People fear spiders as they associate them with fear, you fear the holiday as you associate it with anxiety and guilt. Sounds to me as if you need to feel the fear and do it anyway. As you know logically there is nothing wrong with the holiday, you just fear going as you fear the feelings you feel on them.

Have you addressed why you cheated also? I know you say you love your partner etc, which is fab. But there is a reason you cheated and that is that at the time u felt your relationship lacked something or that you felt no gratitude for your relationship enough to appreciate it. It sounds like your relationship is in a better place now, a happy place. Back then was things different?

Relationships can often lack in emotional intimacy, sex, fun, communication skills, etc. Sometimes the lines are blurred as to what our needs are verses what it is like to be in a real loving relationship and expectations can be too high. However If you have resolved all this and your very content with the relationship then if you haven't already I think it's time to forgive yourself. You say you have grown as a person and realised what you have is special, therfore you aren't the same person that cheated really. Yes it was your actions at the time but you seem to have learnt from it and matured

Thanks missqwerty! You seem lovely. When I cheated our relationship was definetly different, we had a child together at 21 and I felt my life changed massively & his didnt, he went to work then was out every weekend without fail & I felt on my own a lot to be honest. I think the other person caught me at a vunerable time & before I realised it I had crossed the line. At first I really struggled to forgive myself so I saw the councellor etc. I have forgiven myself to a certain extent but dont think I every fully will.

Your completely right in the way of saying about how you think a relationship should be etc and I tend to look at others & believe their relationships are perfect and compare mine & what I did etc but then I sometimes take a step back and realise mine is no more different to a lot of others. It is definetly a fear, 2 years ago we went away for two weeks & for the first week I worried/cried rang home everday to my mum for reassurance because I wanted to tell my partner the truth but was scared then as soon as we got home he booked another one & for year I felt fine then the day before we were going it was then it hit me all again & this year it was just too much to bare. I was ill, sick couldnt eat & just generally panicky. We are a lot closer & believe we both get on better since he knows the truth but the holidays, romantic nights away etc seem to still worry me.

It may sound daft but as I said as there will always be little things he doesnt need to know tbh but i punish myself thinking he does, i blow these up into something massive & worry worry worry when going away but at home i can think it...& throw it to the back of my mind. I am tring hypnotherapy atm so I am praying it will work & still going to couneclling.

Your welcome :)

Just remember no relationship is perfect, we all have ups and downs and how people's relationships come across on social media etc Is far from the whole truth. Some of the best couples are right for each other as they have faced their issues and are stronger for it. Remember people on social media only generally post the positives in life. No mother admits on it that when she's woken up a million times a night she might wonder if she's cut out to be a mother. No couple reveals their struggles, it's sad really that as a society we only disclose the ups in life. Almost like struggling isn't part of life, when in fact it's very real.

I think it's time to forgive yourself, from what you have described your partner wasn't the best at the begining of your relationship due to struggling to adapt. Although cheating wasn't right, I don't think you was entirely to blame given the circumstances. What is important however is that your partner has changed, hes adapted and as a result you clearly have bonded and am I right in saying that due to this you feel closer and more sure about your relationship? So as you developed more feelings due to valuing him as a person the guilt crept in? From your posts it seems like back then you both took the wrong path, not just yourself- which caused the breakdown in your relationship at the time. What's important is how you are now, you both learnt from your mistakes.

There has been times in my relationship where I could look at other couples and compare, but myself and my partner overcame the issues and our love over all has grown as a result. Try not to see a relationship as been perfect, nothing ever is. From the outside myself and my partners relationship looks perfect, but it's taken a lot of soul searching and working together to understand each other at certain times.

As for the obsessing and confessing due to guilt about every little detail of the cheating, you are not deceiving your partner by not disclosing every last detail. If he knows the facts then that is enough :)

Have you spoken to your GP about your anxiety? Maybe you need a switch of meds. Your anxiety is focussing on one area but tbh it could be anything.

And for what it's worth IMO kissing someone is less of a crime than leaving your partner and baby alone every weekend while going out partying. If you've fessed up and made up then for both your sakes it's time to move on. You sound stuck at the moment hence needing to see your GP. Your treatment isn't working.

When you told your partner you had "cheated", what was his reaction?

I really really can't make myself believe that a one-off kiss was cheating. Yes, how does DP regard this kiss?

How is the hypnotherapy going? Is it offering any relief for your anxiety?

It was more than once, 4 times. He obviously was upset & hurt but now hes fine he said hes over it. I think he was moee upsrt that i had spoken to the person etc for a year odd. ive been to councellinf to help the guilt etc. ive always been a massive worrier, i can blow something to tint into something huge..for example if a friend didnt txt back forma few daysi will assume ive upset them or something. my hypontherapist wantz to trar my anxiety etc but now im wonderung does she need to treat holidays & being out of comfort zone etc as a phobia rather than just all anxiety. unfortunately nk matter how many timea people tell me not to worry etc it wont work, unfortunately thats just who i am x

This is sounding more like you have general anxiety disorder from what you've described, and the holiday is just the most recent focus of your anxiety.

Have you ever spoken to your GP about your anxiety? It's easy to minimise this as "Oh I'm just a worrier" but if it's affecting your everyday life then something really needs to change

yes they just me on anti depressants im currently on 40mg citapram. im scared ill never be able to come off them. im hsppy to try anything. im just vonfused which direction to go as treatmrnt wise

I understand you better now, after your last post. I agree this does sound like anxiety disorder. You're doing the right thing by way of treatment though there are so many ad's available it seems like sheer chance to find one that's right for the purpose and person concerned. If it means easing your anxiety and making life better, more enjoyable (daren't use the term relaxed because I'm none too good at that myself) then use them for as long as necessary.

my hypnothrrapist says she hasno doubt ill be able to go away etc in thr future..however at the moment shes trying to relax me & if i fear something or worry to steer my thoughts (a holiday ive enjoyed years ago she has suggested) and a breatjing technique. Where im struggling is to relac & keep positive all the time. i have an appointment friday do was going to duggest trying a phobia techniwue maybe first as she said she cured somrones fear of flying in 4 sesdions!! whether this is true i dont know but i pray to god it is. £60 a session and this will be my third x

Hello Tasha

How are you going to enjoy family holidays ?

Meaning with your child

Thats the problem, I honestly dont know. I dont intend to go on a nice hot holiday without my child anyway I enjoy him being with me all the time but if I dont get it sorted I wont be able to go & its unfair on him!

Today I feel really low, Im tending to focus on all the tiny little details I havent told my partner & just thinking " its never going to work" rather than focusing my mind on all the good times which are 90% of the time. Im mentally worn out through no fault of my own.

This sounds like an anxiety disorder to me. Why don't u just tell your partner the details are making u feel guilty and is he interested in knowing them as your scared by keeping them to yourself your deceiving him. If he says no then you can let it go, if he says yes well you already know he has forgiven you. Have you told white lies to protect him, or is the guilt totally misplaced. Either way you can't really keep going on hiding from the guilt as it's eating you away. Maybe u don't need a therapist, maybe u just need to talk to your partner. Give it a try and if it doesn't help then maybe therapy

Thank you missqwerty. This may sound off but I suppose they are little white lies, I dont tell him things my mum or dad may have said about him sometimes cause they are not particularly nice & it doesnt worry me not telling him them things but not telling him these little details are always on my mind. I am really really low today, pounding headache &just generally upset even suicidal at times because I cant stop thinking. Im just worrying even if I told him, I wouldnt feel any better so what is the point in it all.

This deffinately sounds like anxiety. You have worked yourself up into such a state obsessing that your body is producing a disproportionate amount of fear hormones for the situation. So basically you have tricked your body to respond to this situation to such an extent that the emotonal response is catastrophic.

Please if you feel suicidal talk to your partner or GP, also remember that this isn't an issue worthy of ending things. It sounds like an obsessive thought which is a trait of feeling anxious, obsessing and trying to escape the perceived threat tells your nervous system to produce fear hormones and from then on you are influenced by these in the way u think and your desire to escape deepens due to how u feel. So you obsess more, which produces more adrenalin and eventually you can work yourself upto panic.

Does this sound familiar to you? If so it's very treatable, I had an extreme case of anxiety and worried of similar things to what you do. The good news is with the right help you can change the way u think which changes the way you feel.

Try David Burns books, listen to claire weekes audios. Also please keep yourself safe, Speak to somebody about all this and remember you will overcome this.

That is definetly how I feel, ive worked myself up into such a state over these little things that tonight im thinking about talking to my partner & calling it a day over the fear of thinking like this constantly. Even though I know not being with him wont change my thoughts.

Why not just tell him the details. I saw them on your other thread and tbh I think holding thar kind of secret would make any half d's decent person guilty. I'd feel compelled go tell the truth aswell. Please dont do anything silly over this, it's not worth it. He knows you cheated so just tell the full truth and let it go. So what if u feel panic still after it, u have to let the feelings in to overcome then as with any panic disorder. If you panix afterwards just think so what, my emotions will soon die down as my body is so used to this stressing me it's developed a stress response. Phobias, post traumatic stress, anxiety, OCD are alk the same really. You face your fears and alow the emotional response over and over and eventually it self regulates.

When I was young I once cheated and felt terrible guilt, I confessed straight away as I knew it was the right thing to do. Do you think maybe u know deep down you keeping this secret is eating you up inside? So face it head on, don't try ignoring it.

Yes lots of people can go and cheat and not care about hiding it, but most people the guilt does get to them.

yes i do think things eat me up, for example i difnt tell him for nearly 2 years after as i listened to everyone else, gp, frinds, family & not one person told me to tell him & one day on holiday when i couldnt take it anymore i told him & i have always believed it was the right thing to do. im worried how he might take the "love you'" more than anything else. Even tho i wasnt thinking straight at the time. Do you thimk the more i face the panic/fear of holidays nigts away it will fade? x

I just wanted to add too, I think I expected to tell him & then feeling better to be honest but I dont? I think thats why I get down & upset etc cause I dont feel any better!