Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I don't know which way to turn.

42 replies

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 11:57

My relationship has been hell for months. We argue constantly over everything. I am sat here in floods of tears as I've just found out he told his ex that he found their first Xmas apart hard (we had been together 6 months at time).

He says he said it after she said it first and he felt sorry for her but obviously I'm worried there is more to it. She left him for another man....

He thinks I overreact over these things but it hurts so much. I truly was so happy on Xmas day and felt he was too. I didn't spare a thought for my ex. Why would he say this to her, she took great joy in telling me about it. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped out. I'm struggling.

It's just one thing after another, he is ok one minute then next he's horrible, he doesn't like me to go anywhere, checks my Facebook and phone constantly. I'm scared to speak to men in general because he will go mental. When we argue he calls me fat, says I'm a freak, I get upset too easily..... It's killing me this.

I have 3 children, he has one with the ex. We argue constantly over them. He's really harsh with my kids, has little patience but will let dd get away with murder because he only has her 2 nights a week and don't like upsetting her.

It's just everything, I can't talk to him cos he shouts and gets mad. Noting gets solved. I try ending relationship and he promises to make effort but it lasts a day...... I really can't remember last time I was happy.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 26/04/2015 11:59

So end it. Life is too short.

What is the living situation?

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 12:02

We live together, house is mortgaged in my name.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 26/04/2015 12:02

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit? Get out!

AlternativeTentacles · 26/04/2015 12:08

Get to wickes. Get a replacement lock barrel. Send him to go get something inventive. Change the locks. When he gets back, sling his shite on the front lawn and tell him fuckity bye.

flora717 · 26/04/2015 12:09

Pack his bags for him. Tell friends it's over, tell his ex it's over (so there's someone else for DD to discuss things through with and you two can discuss any ongoing connection for children).

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 12:09

Hang on, this is your first Christmas together, he's told his ex he missed her on Christmas Day, he's living in your house and horrible to your kids and you don't know what to do?

Are you insane? You get rid. Now. Tell him to fuck off.

And watch your boundaries next time. NEVER have someone who is horrible to your children living with them or interacting with them in any way.

CiderwithBuda · 26/04/2015 12:12

End it. Get him out.

He is horrible to you.
He is horrible to your children - and in my book that's the worst thing - you have a choice - they don't.

You don't love him. You love what you think he is or was when you first met. He is now showing you who he really is. You want a two parent family for your children and a partner who loves you. Of course you do. But he is not the right man.

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 12:15

It is right in a way, all I want is to be a family, he can be great.
I hate myself for how he is with kids but he says he has his kid to think off, I probably do go on about her behaviour too much and I think he gets defensive.

OP posts:

magoria · 26/04/2015 12:16

How long have you been together? Just under a year?

You have allowed him to move in and treat your DC harshly while they have to watch his DC get away with whatever.

You are allowing your DC to learn that they are second class to his his in their own home.

He is abusive and controlling to you. Dismisses your feelings.

Get rid.

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 12:17

Has anyone been in this situation and it got better?

OP posts:

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 12:19

Just under 3years. It just that I only just found out about what he said to ex on first Xmas.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 12:21

False hope will be the undoing of you

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 12:24

He knows it's unfair on kids but he just says that his DD won't listen anyway so not much point in having boundaries with her

Plus if we do shout she says she won't come anymore. She is 7 and headstrong, I have a great relationship with her but don't like that she rules the roost so to speak. It's a great source of arguements, if she is mean to my DC he will tell them to stop bein crybabys or goes mad saying their going over top rather than deal with DD behaviour.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 12:27

why are you putting your kids through this ?

NotDavidTennant · 26/04/2015 12:28

When your kids are grown up do you think they will thank you for forcing them to live with this horrible man, just so you can chase some unfulfilled dream of "happy families"?

pictish · 26/04/2015 12:28

OP...what you've got is who he is and who he is, is a prick.

What a miserable existence - make plans to get rid of him as soon as possible. I can't honestly advise you anything else. It won't get better.

Momagain1 · 26/04/2015 12:29

So, you dont have any kids with him? And the mortgage is yours? Is the title yours, or shared?

After 3 years, the 4 children altogether should have melded into being 4 children altogether. Not 3 and 1 treated very differently.

Sounds like he is a waste of your time. You were a rebound, a relationship he was not ready for. If he is ever going to improve, it wont be while he has you and your children to lean on and abuse. let him go.

Where were you before him? Also recovering from a break up?

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 12:29

It's really shocking that what is bothering you most, it seems to me, is what he said to his ex.

Your poor children. They have a man living with them who is horrible to them, then his daughter visits and she's mean to them. He then tells them they are cry-babies and goes mad at them.

Do you ever think how they feel?

cafesociety · 26/04/2015 12:29

Then kick him and his awful daughter out and stop making excuses for this vile man. Why on earth put up with this abuse and being his doormat/housekeeper.

Put your own children first, you will regret it one day if you don't. They are your priority, do you understand this?

Yikesivedoneitagain · 26/04/2015 12:30

I don't know you - but I really care about your children. Do you? Put them first mate, this ain't getting better and you know it!

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/04/2015 12:31

boat I realise your in shock and not hurting lovely, but it seems your not taking in what people are saying to you

He abuses your kids and he verbally abuses you, I'll assume they hear some of this as well. For that alone it's a fuck and die situation as far as he is concerned.

Put your kids first and their happiness and kick him in to touch, he's using and abusing you, then take some time out to close ranks on your little unit and get your head straight and heel.

He won't get better neither will his dd, it's time to make plans and be pro active

pictish · 26/04/2015 12:35

It's true that your kids will suffer. You and him at each other's throats, he treats you like shit, insults you, shouts at you, restricts your choices. He's horrible to your kids, lets his daughter run riot and is totally unapologetic about all of it. Your children are seeing and hearing and learning that you matter less than him and they matter less than his daughter.
Is this what you want them to repeat in their own relationships? No?
Then chuck the fucker out.

CiderwithBuda · 26/04/2015 12:35

It won't get better. He is showing you (and your children) who he is and what his priorities are.

It doesn't sound like any of you are happy really.

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 12:38

That's not true at all imperial. You have a snapshot, sorry that people think I don't love my children. I do. He does do things for them it's just he will always side with his DD even if she's wrong if you get me.

OP posts:

pictish · 26/04/2015 12:40

We do get you.
Ok...what is it about him that makes his abuse towards you and your children worthwhile?

Flip

1 2