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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know which way to turn.

42 replies

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 11:57

My relationship has been hell for months. We argue constantly over everything. I am sat here in floods of tears as I've just found out he told his ex that he found their first Xmas apart hard (we had been together 6 months at time).

He says he said it after she said it first and he felt sorry for her but obviously I'm worried there is more to it. She left him for another man....

He thinks I overreact over these things but it hurts so much. I truly was so happy on Xmas day and felt he was too. I didn't spare a thought for my ex. Why would he say this to her, she took great joy in telling me about it. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped out. I'm struggling.

It's just one thing after another, he is ok one minute then next he's horrible, he doesn't like me to go anywhere, checks my Facebook and phone constantly. I'm scared to speak to men in general because he will go mental. When we argue he calls me fat, says I'm a freak, I get upset too easily..... It's killing me this.

I have 3 children, he has one with the ex. We argue constantly over them. He's really harsh with my kids, has little patience but will let dd get away with murder because he only has her 2 nights a week and don't like upsetting her.

It's just everything, I can't talk to him cos he shouts and gets mad. Noting gets solved. I try ending relationship and he promises to make effort but it lasts a day...... I really can't remember last time I was happy.

OP posts:

pictish · 26/04/2015 12:43

And OP - what Imperial said was blunt but undeniably true. You can't see the wood for the trees here because you're so deep in it. Who gives a stuff what he may or may not have said to his ex three years ago? He's horrible to your children now. You need to wake up and question why you are accepting this.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 26/04/2015 12:44

So he's not nasty to them (or you) all the time. But he is nasty when he or his DD are challanged on their behaviour? Sounds like a controlling dick to me.
If you let this continue it will destroy yours and their confidence. They will start to believe they are not good enough, or special enough. Then they will grow up and repeat the pattern. As their mother you need to get this man out of their lives.

PatriciaHolm · 26/04/2015 12:44

Of course you love your children.

He doesn't though. He doesn't even love you. He's a shit to you and your children, makes you unhappy, makes your kids unhappy.

Don't put your kids through this. Don't put yourself through it! He's a waste of time and effort. Kick him out.

lunar1 · 26/04/2015 12:47

I'm sure you do love your children very much op and you are trying to create what you think is a normal family.

But what you have is a family where your children are less important than his. You are bringing your children up to think they are not worth standing up for, that they are second best and that this is how you treat people.

You are raising them to form dis functional relationships and they will be lucky if they come out as adults and manage to form happy functional relationships. Without a lot of mess and unhappy years while they sort it all out.

You need to see that you and your three children together are a family and can be happy without a man.

GoldfishCrackers · 26/04/2015 12:48

You only get one life. Your DC only get one childhood. Doing nothing and letting this damaging relationship continue is still a choice. Don't choose this for you and your DC. Life can be so much nicer than this.

cafesociety · 26/04/2015 13:06

I don't doubt you love your children. But you are 'in floods of tears' because of something that has hurt you.

I suggest the floods of tears should be flowing for your children as they witness this idiot and the unhappiness he causes. How do you think they have felt/are feeling? They do not have a voice but need you to protect them.

They seem to be being let down on all sides.

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 13:13

I suppose I haven't really considered the effect on children, they seem happy and haven't really said they're unhappy but I suppose that doesn't mean they are not.

They are at ex hubby's till 4, I will sit them down and talk to them, I've been so consumed with wanting to improve things and not really considering the bigger picture.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 13:15

don't ask your kids if they are "happy" or if you should get rid of this man that treats them as inferior to his own

that is far too much pressure on them and they will say what they think you want them to say

if you think this man is good enough to stay within your family unit, own that decision yourself

pictish · 26/04/2015 13:25

Your kids will tell you what they think you want to hear.
They are kids so they don't know anything different from what they're used to and they love you. Of course they'll tell you it's fine...that's their normality so how could it be anything but fine in their eyes?

You're the one with superior insight on cause and effect here. You're the adult. You need to be the decision maker here.

Do you want your daughter to seek out a husband who diminishes her at every turn as a matter of course?
Do you want your son to dominate his wife?
Then carry on as you are.

Namechanger2015 · 26/04/2015 13:26

I agree with AnyFucker please dot ask your children if they are happy. They are far too young for that pressure.

If you go on to leave him they will believe it to be their fault for not being happy.

As the adult here I'm sure you can judge what would be best for them.

Original poster

boatinn1206 · 26/04/2015 13:40

so what do I say?
Do I just say me and stepdad have separated.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:

pictish · 26/04/2015 13:49

It the most basic terms you say...

"I have made the decision to split up with xxxx because he doesn't treat us well. He is rude and unpleasant to me, bad tempered and unfair to you. It's not good enough for any of us. I have been unhappy with his behaviour for some time while he has shown me that he is not willing to rise to the standards I expect from a partner and stepfather."

pictish · 26/04/2015 13:54

Or something along those lines anyway. Don't tout it as a sad, unfortunate event to be endured...make it a taking back of power and esteem to be celebrated.

"I didn't like the way he talked to me...or you. We don't need that in our lives...we'll be much happier without it."

pictish · 26/04/2015 13:56

It also enables you to show your kids how mum would rather be single than in a shit relationship being browbeaten into submission by an insecure, inadequate man.
You go mum!

TheCowThatLaughs · 26/04/2015 13:58

You can be a family without a man! Don't get hung up on the idea of having a man at any cost
I met a woman the other day who'd had a couple of abusive relationships. She had 3 children, one beat his wife, one hadn't spoken to her for 10 years, and the other had died, early 30s, from alcoholism. You've got to put your kids first here

Justusemyname · 26/04/2015 13:59

18 minutes from not remembering when last happy to he's not so bad really.

He is horrible to you, horrible to your kids, a clueless father. Why are you still with this twat?

Seriously do not ask your kids if you should stay with this prat or not!

fluffapuss · 28/04/2015 08:32

Hello Boat

You are unhappy

This man is the source of your unhappiness !

Get rid of the man, his ex & his child - now

Spend quality time with yourself & your children. your house should be a safe, calm sanctuary

Take time before you invite someone else into your home

Just tell him you have decided that you need time to yourself & it is not working for you & your children

Good luck

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