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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage has ended today. Am scared, what do I do next.?

32 replies

mayfly · 05/11/2006 20:33

Been with Dh for over twelve years. He is bad tempered, disinterested and miserable around me and the kids. (Never violent however)
Told him I had had enough today. And I did mean it.
I think I love him but how can you be sure when you have been together so long anyway?

Cant discuss anything reasonably with him due to his bad temper. So off he has stormed, yet again for the third time today.

Oh God. Now I am petrified that I have done the right thing.
I know I have for my own sanity. I must be worth more than this and am sure I will be happier on my own with the kids.
What do I do now? Do I leave or stay in the house?

OP posts:
sis · 05/11/2006 20:37

Stay in the house! DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. I am sure others with more advice on what you should do next will be along soon.

MistressMiggins · 05/11/2006 20:38

dont leave the house
go to CAB tomorrow
be kind to yourself

if you think you'll be happier by yourself, then ytou should follow it through

keep posting - lots of good advice on MN

Monkeytrousers · 05/11/2006 20:40

Echo go to Citizens Advice Centre.

Hold your nerve.

try to stay calm.

Good luck.

Pinkchampagne · 05/11/2006 20:45

So sorry you are in this horrible situation

Like others have said, DON'T leave the house.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor & go along to your local CAB.

Hope you're ok. I know how horrible & scary all this is, but if you were very unhappy, you may be happier in the long run.

Original poster
mayfly · 05/11/2006 20:46

Asking possibly stupid question here, but why do I need to stay in the house?
I would actually much rather go rent somewhere smaller for me and the kids.

Also I have a 7 month old baby and 2 older ones. The thought of him looking after the baby for more than and hour worries me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mayfly · 05/11/2006 20:48

I come on here a lot but have changed name.
I knew you all would give me more courage.
Am so wobbly, cant imagine actually being on my own. Have never been on own in life .Pathetic wretch.
Thank you x

OP posts:
NYceMummy · 05/11/2006 20:49

Do you own the house or rent it, and whose name(s) is it in?

Sobernow · 05/11/2006 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mayfly · 05/11/2006 21:02

Own the house, both names.
Oh I understand now.

OP posts:
NYceMummy · 05/11/2006 21:07

Definitely stay put until you have spoken to a solicitor then. It will be hard to be living under the same roof but better than losing the roof to your dh.

webcrone · 05/11/2006 21:11

what worries you about him looking after the baby?

Original poster
mayfly · 05/11/2006 21:17

Just that he has no interest nor ability to remember they need feeding occasionally!

Christ! I 've never even made a decision on my own in my whole life. Am SO scared.

OP posts:
webcrone · 05/11/2006 21:25

OK - just wondered. Remember to breathe! Breathing's good.

Pages · 05/11/2006 21:29

Mayfly, if you have never been in this position before it must have been serious for you to have got to this point. I am so sorry that you feel your marriage has ended - that is a huge thing. But don't stay with him because you are afraid of being on your own. It doesn't sound like he is much help with the children anyway and all the rest of the energy you spend on dealing with his moods will be there for you to spend on you. Living on your own without a man can be a fantastic experience, I did it for several years and it really taught me a lot about myself.

Judy1234 · 05/11/2006 22:43

If you leave you may never get back in and he may stall for giving you a share of the house. So stay. If you are serious then you need to see a lawyer. In amicable divorces like mine they will send him a draft divorce petition to look at before you issue it. You also need to agree how you might divide things up and who pays what. Usually the person who earns most supports the other and the one who the children don't live with pays something towards the children.

It is not true that woman have some god given right to stay in the house with the children just because they are female. Men can look after children as well as women but obviously it depends on the circumstances. Some men get the right to stay at home with the chidlren and the woman has to leave, although it is rare. Would he want the children to live with him? It remains his house so until you agree otherwise or the divorce is final he is entitled to stay there so you need to prepare for a difficult period together. Make sure he does nothing silly like emptying joint bank accounts or incurring credit you are both liable for.

BATtymumma · 05/11/2006 23:02

for the time being your kids will feel a lot more secure in their own home.

your feeling a bit shakey as you have taken a huge step, but imagine how the kids will feel.
Text him and ask that he stays away for a couple of days, make an arrangment to meet him for a talk on say wednesday. give you both some time to sit and think about whats happened and what you want to happen from her on.

If after having a few days to think things through you are still certain you want the relationship to end then you will need to discuss what happens now.
It may be worth making a few notes about what YOU want, ie contact arrangments, maintenance, property....do you want to stay in the home or sell up and split the profit etc

its still too early for you to make any real decisions, give yourself time and trust your instincts.

EmmyLou · 05/11/2006 23:10

mayfly - sounds very like my life ATM. Could you hold on a bit longer and give him the choice of getting help with the anger or leaving? You say you think you love him still so do you think it might be worth making him do something about his behavior?

I have given this ultimatum to my dh. His anger (never violent) is just becoming so difficult to live with - I feel like I am managing it all the time and compensating for him/apologising for him.

(Have also told him that I am going to get help with how to deal with his anger, so he knows I am serious. I have an appointment with a councellor in a couple of weeks for me, but dh is now working abroad till December so feel very much in limbo.)

Oh, I don't know what to say and I'm not sure if I am just seeing my own life in yours but don't you feel you owe it to your children and marriage to try to find out WHY he is so angry? I don't know much about you, but feel for you as it rings so many bells with me. If you are adamant you want him to go then good for you on making a decision.

Perhaps i'm just envious you have more courage than me.

Original poster
mayfly · 05/11/2006 23:29

Emmylou, he also spends a lot of time away on business. More so in the future.
I just feel sadness at the moment. I would dearly love him to get help for the anger but have asked in the past and the promises were never kept.
The reaction of friends and family when he sneers at me in his usual controlling manner always reminds me that my life with him is not entirely normal. Even his relatives have told me they are surprised I put up with it. (He is just the same with all of us).

However, he refuses to accept the blame for anything.
He says its ALL my fault, regardless of whatever it may be! I cannot discuss anything with him as he is so restless he cannot even stand still for the 10 mins it requires!

I am deeply envious of the way I see friends' husbands talk to them with a mutual respect/ affection.

I see no way forward, despite the fact I do care for him greatly. He is not a bad person, just stupidly self centred and grumpy.

The one consolation is due to the nature of his work, the kids are used to seeing him sporadically. He may even be more appreciative of them this way.

It breaks my heart more than you can even imagine to think about my baby boy though.
Part of me thinks I should just sit tight for 10 yrs for his sake. Am I being completely selfish?

OP posts:
BATtymumma · 05/11/2006 23:35

no.
your kids will now see that it is wrong to treat someone that way, that you cannot be agressive verbally and you must show respect.

you are doing whats right for you, and thats almost aways right for the kids.

you can love someone and still know its not working.
stay strong

EmmyLou · 05/11/2006 23:49

No, I don't think you are being completely selfish at all. My dh shows glimmers of understanding how his behaviour affects others and so i feel the need to keep trying. I know (well, i'm pretty sure) alcohol has a role to play in my dh's anger - if I couldn't find a peg to attempt to hang his behaviour on then i'd be less inclined to try and rescue the marriage.

Sounds like your dh is too wrapped up in his work/own world (hmm, know that too)and perhaps he needs a wake up call - even if it is too late for your relationship.

When you say he's not a bad person well, he doesn't have to be for it to make living with him too hard to continue. I remember a conversation with a friend of mine several years ago when i was having an off-load about dh's behaviour, saying "but he's a good person really"...But is that enough?

Perhaps it is time for you to think of self preservation. Like you say, if he's home sporadically, then YOU represent the stability in the children's lives. You deserve a chance at happiness too. I know that overwhelming sadness when you see other couples in loving, supportive relationships. That is how it should be (most of the time anyway) - isn't it?

Original poster
mayfly · 06/11/2006 00:02

Thank you Emmylou.
I am sorry you have similar feelings to me. Its so hard to know what to do for the best when you have your precious babies to protect. But I also dont wan tme girls growing up to accept that the way he is IS normal and end up with the same.

You are so right about the last paragraph. That is almost word for word what I said to my Mum on the phone this morning.
So will you keep trying with yours then? And will he really go for counselling/advice? Or will he put it off over and over like mine did long ago?

OP posts:
Original poster
mayfly · 06/11/2006 00:06

Sorry Batt, missed your post there.
I do find thats what I want to hear, that what's right for me will be right for them. Hadnt thought of it as clearly as that before. I do know that when I am unhappy, the older ones are so aware of whats going on and care so much if I am upset.
They have wrapped their arms round me and shout at him to stop having a go at me. God that sounds awful, but they are used to him shouting and arent really scared by it.
But , oh damn it I am almost trying to stick up for him now. Stop !!

OP posts:
SHhhhh · 06/11/2006 00:07

Hi mayfly,
well done i know how hard it is after that many years with someone and never being on my own... never making a decision of my own .. it always being made for me...
It will take time getting used to but u will be just fine...
I was pregnant with my 2nd and having huge problems with ex after being 2gether 4 10 years, my baby stopped growing through stress so i decided it was time 2 end it.. I was absolutely petrified but i got through it and now i feel so much stronger...
As long as u r certain this is what u want it will work out just fine ....

EmmyLou · 06/11/2006 23:17

Hi Mayfly - thinking of you today. Hope you are feeling less afraid and more certain in your mind. Just keep thinking: 'self preservation'. It is SO important.

I have been thinking that I need to be clear in my mind what I want from my relationship. In answer to your question earlier, yes I do think DH will go for councelling - he did see someone before he went off on his latest work trip abroad. He has to carry on when he gets back, or leave. I need to feel progress is being made, however small the steps.

Look to the future. Thinking of you.

Judy1234 · 06/11/2006 23:20

"I am deeply envious of the way I see friends' husbands talk to them with a mutual respect/ affection. "
I used to be the same.