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Original poster

is he telling the truth?

41 replies

planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 09:15

Ive been with my oh for nearly 2 years now, I have 2 young children from a previous marriage.Got with him on the basis he told me he was single, but later found out he was still seeing his then gf at the start of our relationship, i found this out about 6 months in and hed ended it about a month in id say. Anyway, that obviously changed things a little. I asked him why he cheated and he saidnhe just didnt love her anymore, that hes never cheated before. He wernt expecting to meet me ( we met on a dating website) so he was looking whilst with her! Anyway, i was happy that hed finished it with her and he seemed happy with me and the kids, introduced me and kids to the parents, blah blahHes never shown any signs of cheating on me, he is funny with his fone and i admit i have checked it but found nothing untoward, i also know his pin, and heknows i know.Anyway, weve plodded along had a few ups and down regarding my insecurities,..He tells me how much he wants me and my children in his life, that he lovesnus...Now to whats happened this past week. Hes kept his ipad here so me and the iids can play games on it and stuff and i came across emails exchanged between him and some girls, about a year before we got together. The first one was a nice one to the girl he was seeing at the start telling her how much he loved her and how lucky he is. This was a message from 2010...in 2011 he signed up to the dating website we met on and the emails to the other girls started with pictures and everything, id say about 4 girls all together. He was on tour in afghan at the time so it mostly was sexting , there was one girl he was wooing and a few of the things he said to her he said to me. I dont think they ever met up, even though they talked about it. It was just an ego thingmi think. Anyway, the emails stopped and i found an email for a holiday that his gf had paid for and they went in may 2013. We met october 2013. And so here we are...Ive asked him (over text as hes away) about them, i called him a sleeze and how could he treat these girls like this...he said it was way before we met. Im not like that anymore..im happy and your the one. I said yes, but you said this to your ex, promised all the things you promised me, so what happened? He said we just drifted apart, i found you.I said well how do i know your not gonna do the same to me. He said i love you, your all i want in my life and i want a future with you. He promised me he would never do that to me.But how do i know this for sure?? I really dont know what to do, i have 2 young children whos already had the heartbreak of their daddy leaving, i really dont want them to go through it again as the love him so much.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 26/04/2015 09:18

Nobody knows for sure do they? Breaking up can happen to any relationship at any time. If you have doubts better end it now as you are stopping yourself from finding someone who is a better match.

CitySnicker · 26/04/2015 09:38

He might never cheat on you. But now you have a better insight into his character. Can to carry on with someone who's like that? It would make me feel a bit grubby tbh. Have you been checked for std's recently?

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 09:41

Well tbh, i had a smear and that came back fine but i have high risk hpv and need a colposcopy sooo?? X

OP posts:
BravingSpring · 26/04/2015 09:43

Anyone in a relationship who signs up for a dating site is scum.

arsenaltilidie · 26/04/2015 09:48

Of course he WILL cheat on you. He is one of those men that go from one relationship to another.

Bakeoffcake · 26/04/2015 09:50

Is he still in the army and regularly going away?

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 09:52

Hes still in the army yes, at the moment hes based 2 hours away so i only see him weekends. Before that he lived with me and things were great.

OP posts:
Hippymama1 · 26/04/2015 09:52

I think you need to talk to him about your fears and concerns and try to determine for yourself what are your insecurities and what are actual threats to your relationship, e. g. Likelihood of dp being unfaithful.

All of the examples you used are of before your relationship or when it had just begun and it seems that he loves you and is serous about you but only you can know for sure how you feel.

Why do you have these insecurities? Have you had them before or just with this man?

Incidentally - the hpv thing could have come from anywhere - unless he is your only sexual partner ever there is no point worrying about whether or not he gave it to you.

For what is worth, both me and DH were pretty promiscuous before we met each other but are 100% monogamous, faithful and devoted to one another so I think leopards can and do change their spots when they meet the right person.

It's hard but you need to decide for yourself what the risk is of him cheating and then decide whether you are happy with that risk.

Flowers
Quitelikely · 26/04/2015 09:53

He has shown he has form for cheating. I think the trust you have has been eroded slightly.

If I was a betting person I would say yes he is likely to do it again in the future.

Joysmum · 26/04/2015 09:55

You can't know if he'll cheat on you but he's got a history or cheating and not talking about problems or having the common decency to end one relationship before actively looking for another.

I think you're right to be cautious.

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 09:58

I have always been cheated on, thats were they came from! Plus my ex separated from me after having an emotional affar (through texting)and he never seemed the type to do that i trusted him 100% and it was also his first real relationship. I thought we were forever, hence marriage and children, but i guess not..

OP posts:
Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 10:03

So what should i do?? Just end it based on possibilities??

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arsenaltilidie · 26/04/2015 10:16

It maybe understandable if he cheated once and quickly ended the relationship because it wasn't working.
But I dont know what else you would want. He was talking to 4 women whilst in a relationship. And then you came along.
So far we know he has cheated or at least tried to cheat with 5 different women and there is a possibility there could be more.

Do you really think he wont cheat again?

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 10:21

Alot where just him asking for pics..real sleezy tbh, nothing serious. Him and his gf were having problems. I realy dont know if he would cheat on me, i didnt think my husband would!

OP posts:
Hippymama1 · 26/04/2015 10:22

I think it comes down to whether you can trust him, balanced with whether you could trust ANYONE after the experiences you have had. Flowers

Sounds like you have been with some charming specimens who have eroded your trust and made you feel insecure about yourself and your relationships.

Firstly, the way you have been treated in the past is awful and I think it would help you to address those insecurities so you can make sure that your past doesn't affect your future. Is there anyone you can talk to in rl about this? There are other threads on here for people recovering from the effects of affairs which might be helpful...

Secondly, in terms of DP, can you discuss your concerns with him? A lot of what happened was before you were together and he might be able to explain his behaviour. I'm not making excuses for him at all, just that being in the forces is a different life experience. You can then decide whether or not you trust him when you understand each other's situation.

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 10:31

Thank you. Yes ive spoke to him about it, he said hes had enough of trying to prove to me im all he wants when all i do is dig things up from his past and throw it in his face. Im scared im just gonna push him to do it anyway...

OP posts:
Psipsina · 26/04/2015 10:36

I would end it yes. There is no trust. Sorry x

RubbishMantra · 26/04/2015 10:48

He signed up to a dating site in 2011, sexted women, then let his GF at the time pay for their holiday in 2013?! Shock

"Anyway, weve plodded along" Why settle for plodding? Do you not believe you deserve more?

RubbishMantra · 26/04/2015 10:59

"He wernt expecting to meet me ( we met on a dating website)"

Well wtf was he on a dating website for then?

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 11:01

Haha ^^^ true!

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 26/04/2015 11:33

You have 2 young children, at the point that you initially found out he lied you should have dumped him back then. You know he will cheat.

CitySnicker · 26/04/2015 11:39

So now you're worried and he's getting snarky. Does he see that as justification for cheating on you now? Were his previous relationship problems down to her not really trusting him I wonder? I wouldn't trust him.

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 17:35

Yes she did trust him. She had no idea he was with me..

OP posts:
Hippymama1 · 26/04/2015 18:00

Whether or not you end this relationship, your insecurities will still be there and I think it will be helpful for you to find something that will help you process the hurt and bad experiences you have had before so you can leave that part of your life behind you and move on from it.

I have had BFs who knew about my promiscuous past and took it as a sign I would cheat on them (I never cheated on anyone incidentally) and it was really hard to try to deal with their insecurities and help them to trust me, while it felt to me all the time that they were accusing me of something that I really hadn't done.

I am not siding with your OH, merely giving another experience / perspective. I am not saying for one minute that he is cheating and I am not saying that he isn't either - you are the only person who can decide whether or not to trust him and continue with the relationship.

Apart from the fact that he wasn't single when he met you and the emails you have uncovered from his past, have you got any evidence that he may be being unfaithful?

Trusting someone after a bad experience is really hard but unless you can do it, there is really no point in having a relationship.

Original poster
planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 18:15

No, nothing at all...if i ever did hed be gone. X

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