Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

is he telling the truth?

41 replies

planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 09:15

Ive been with my oh for nearly 2 years now, I have 2 young children from a previous marriage.Got with him on the basis he told me he was single, but later found out he was still seeing his then gf at the start of our relationship, i found this out about 6 months in and hed ended it about a month in id say. Anyway, that obviously changed things a little. I asked him why he cheated and he saidnhe just didnt love her anymore, that hes never cheated before. He wernt expecting to meet me ( we met on a dating website) so he was looking whilst with her! Anyway, i was happy that hed finished it with her and he seemed happy with me and the kids, introduced me and kids to the parents, blah blahHes never shown any signs of cheating on me, he is funny with his fone and i admit i have checked it but found nothing untoward, i also know his pin, and heknows i know.Anyway, weve plodded along had a few ups and down regarding my insecurities,..He tells me how much he wants me and my children in his life, that he lovesnus...Now to whats happened this past week. Hes kept his ipad here so me and the iids can play games on it and stuff and i came across emails exchanged between him and some girls, about a year before we got together. The first one was a nice one to the girl he was seeing at the start telling her how much he loved her and how lucky he is. This was a message from 2010...in 2011 he signed up to the dating website we met on and the emails to the other girls started with pictures and everything, id say about 4 girls all together. He was on tour in afghan at the time so it mostly was sexting , there was one girl he was wooing and a few of the things he said to her he said to me. I dont think they ever met up, even though they talked about it. It was just an ego thingmi think. Anyway, the emails stopped and i found an email for a holiday that his gf had paid for and they went in may 2013. We met october 2013. And so here we are...Ive asked him (over text as hes away) about them, i called him a sleeze and how could he treat these girls like this...he said it was way before we met. Im not like that anymore..im happy and your the one. I said yes, but you said this to your ex, promised all the things you promised me, so what happened? He said we just drifted apart, i found you.I said well how do i know your not gonna do the same to me. He said i love you, your all i want in my life and i want a future with you. He promised me he would never do that to me.But how do i know this for sure?? I really dont know what to do, i have 2 young children whos already had the heartbreak of their daddy leaving, i really dont want them to go through it again as the love him so much.

OP posts:

Grewupinafield · 26/04/2015 18:26

Op, my dh is army, I know a lot of his colleagues. When out in afghan a lot of the guys chat to girls, ask for pics etc. I'm not saying it's excusable because it isn't, but being on tour, alone, 1000s of miles from their loved ones (and from sex) can make them go looking for attention anywhere and alters their behaviour. I've spoken to dh's friends about this and a lot say they do if for a distraction, boredom and lonely.
I'm not saying for one second that he was right to do this while he has a gf when he was on tour but I just want to give some perspective!!
If you can't trust him, it won't work. It's as simple as that. It's not fair on either of you. It's also not fair to judge him on his past.

Original poster

planejaneagain · 26/04/2015 18:40

yes the emails were only during his time in afghan, none before or after that. But he doesnt use that email anymore, has a differant one now, he said to me when i confronted him do i want him to give me all his passwords...i didnt answer, but things can easily be deleted first eh!

OP posts:

Original poster

planejaneagain · 27/04/2015 16:09

Ok, so update. Things were goin ok yesterday. Then in the eveining he brought up something. He says he got an annonymous message on fb telling him that i had been seeing my ex behind his back. I swore i havent been, which i havent. He couldnt let it go so i just said look, its not working out, its best we just finish. He pleaded with me not to do this said he wants me and the kids in his future. I told him im going to sllep and he declared his love again. I ignored. This morning he carried on like last night never happened, i said i havent forgot what happened. He said i just want to move on, clean slate. I said i need time to think. He said he will give me time, but he doesnt want us to end....now what.??!

OP posts:

pompodd · 27/04/2015 16:22

planejane - I'm a man, and I'm only trying to piece together what might be happening from what you say. But I'd be very, very suspicious about him coming out with this "anonymous message on FB". It sounds to me like a diversion tactic because you were calling him out on his (very poor0 past behaviour.

If I had to guess I'd say he was making up the "anonymous message" (did you actually see it?) story to try and put you on the back foot and to stop questioning him. When you said it's best that you end the relationship he realised that his approach had backfired so he's now seriously back-tracking.

I might be wrong. But you really do deserve much better than this.

Cherryapple1 · 27/04/2015 16:29

Make him show you the message. I doubt it exists. Bit convenient for him to accuse you of cheating. Deflects nicely from his own behaviour?

You say you are insecure, well maybe if you were with someone who was trustworthy you wouldn't need to be would you. I think you need to work on your own self esteem and get rid of him. Don't you deserve better. Who cares how much he declares love. His actions indicate otherwise. It shouldn't be this much drama surely?

IggyStrop · 27/04/2015 16:29

Yep, what pompodd said. It's funny how the timing's worked out, hasn't it? You ask him about those texts and then whaddaya know - someone has messaged him anonymously about YOUR behaviour. Instantly causing you to go on the defensive and forget about his actions.

I bet you £1000 that if you ask to see the message he'll say he's deleted it.

BuzzardBird · 27/04/2015 16:41

You can't have an anonymous message on FB. It had to come from an account of someone.

He has already cheated on you as he was seeing his x and you for at least a month to your knowledge and could have been longer.

pompodd · 27/04/2015 16:46

You know, unless he can back this up with convincing proof of this so-called "anonymous" message, don't you start to question just what sort of a moron this guy is? I mean, what sort of fool does he take you for? If I were you I'd consider your intelligence to have been insulted and drop him for that reason!

I do hope that things work out for you, OP.

Hippymama1 · 27/04/2015 17:38

Oh dear... Have to say I'm with Pompodd...

I thought the same as buzzardbird too - Facebook messages have to come from a named account - they can't be anonymous.

I'd call him on it and if he can't produce a message for you to see for yourself, or a name if he's 'deleted' the message, I'd probably consider myself far too old for these kinds of silly games and move on.

At the very least he's trying to give you a dose of your own medicine which is thoughtless and childish. At worst, he's got something to hide and he's projecting.

I hope you are feeling OK.

Original poster

planejaneagain · 27/04/2015 17:50

I just dont understand why he would be pleading to stay together though...its not like we have a great sex life ( personal problems) he is great with my kids, loves them and doesnt mindhaving my son for the day if i want to spend some time with my daughter or visa versa. When he comes on a weekend he pays for food ect, cooks, washes up, helps around the house, does his washing...and ours! So its not like hes a cocklodger. Me and my ex are still quite friendly, for the sake of the kids...i think my p feels threatened by him in away. Im not trying to defend him, i just want to give you an insight into his usual personality.

OP posts:

pompodd · 27/04/2015 18:01

planejane - I can't tell you why he is pleading to stay together, but I wouldn't assume that his pleading means that he isn't also lying to you. You don't think that, do you?

I don't know this guy, obviously, but if he's pleading to stay together it's because in some way the relationship is working for him. It's fulfilling some or all of his needs.

I think it's plain from your emails that you don't trust him. Or at least, you aren't sure if you can (which really amounts to the same thing). So I wouldn't waste time trying to understand him - I'd spend the time understanding whether you are really happy with him and whether you can really get over the fact that because he lied to you before you will never be certain whether he will lie to you again.

Jan45 · 27/04/2015 18:17

All this drama in 2 years!

And no, I don't believe the anonymous tip off either.

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2015 19:37

Tell him to show you this "anonymous" message.

If he won't, he's lying and it's definitely the end.

Original poster

planejaneagain · 27/04/2015 19:48

Said he deleted it, it was a while ago apparently...he thinks its my ex stirring things.

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 27/04/2015 20:04

Erm - if he deleted it won't it still be in the archive? - if so he can still show it to you........

Original poster

planejaneagain · 27/04/2015 20:07

Archive??!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2