It's a real mess - anyone been in same situation separation?

[RibbonKatie]

Hi there

I moved out to Australia 18 months ago with husband and four
children. Our relationship hasn't been good and I have been awful to live with because I haven't been very settled. I realise I have been difficult to live with and accept this wholeheartedly.

Have noticed recently that husband was behaving slightly weird. He was losing weight , shaving his chest hair etc....anyway he started playing on words with friends (phone game app) and was locked onto this for hours on end. I complained and said he was on there too much.

Oen night I was so fed up managed to gain access to his phone and discovered he had been sexting woman in Canada. It had been going on for only four weeks but they are Skyping regularly (he works away a lot). 3 hour Skype sessions etc and he was allegedly going to visit her in Toronto in August and they'd drawn up an itenary of his visit. There's more to it though cos he had also signed up to a site called Ashley Madison where you look for sexual partners with no strings attached.

I confronted him and he said he wanted to separate.

I don't think I want to separate and want to give it another try. I still love him and am wondering is he just having a mid life crisis? He is adamant we should break up and it is causing me heart ache.

As we are living in Oz, this could create huge complications. It is an expensive place to live and although working part time, on my wage I couldn't even afford our weekly mortgage. I am permanent residency. The kids don't want to move back so I could be stuck out here.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone here about the mess as I don't really know anyone enough to discuss such a thing.

As an aside and I know this is wrong, since I confronted him about it all, we have been having lots of sex. In my warped view I think it may bring him back to me.

Really don't know what to do - any advice please?

Katie

Hi there, it's not a great situation to be in. We moved to Australia four years ago - we also have four dcs, and I don't know what I'd do if we separated. My two youngest were born here, and between that and having treatment for breast cancer, I've not worked here. I'd really be screwed.

What visa are you on? 457? As far as I know, you wouldn't be entitled to centrelink payments. I know you said the dcs don't want to move back, but how old are they? If they are primary school age, they could probably be convinced. Would dh agree to it?

It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship, sadly having lots of sex won't repair things, and will only hurt you more in the end. Do you really still want to be married to someone who would betray you the way he has? I presume the trip to Canada would have included 'lots of sex' too. Does he still plan to go?

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I've not been much help. Whereabouts are you btw? At least I'll always be awake at the same times as you if you need a chat.

Children are early teens and youngest are 8 and 10, so it is important not to muck around with their education.

I am truly devastated, I am just in this fog at the moment and keep thinking 'this is what happens to other people not me'.

I am a permanent resident. It all imploded on Friday when I went to his work place armed with all the evidence I'd found so it is really raw and early days.

I am not sure if he is in touch with Canadian woman, although he has definitely sent her one message. I sent her a horrible email when I found her email address on Thursday. Canada woman contacted my husband through the messaging system on Words With Friends to tell him she was devastated I'd seen pictures she'd sent to him (semi naked ones).

He claims it wasn't an affair as there was no sex involved. But he has crossed a boundary especially as he signed up to this infidelity website called Ashley Madison.

The thing is although the marriage has been rocky as I haven't settled here, I really don't want him to leave and to break up the family.

Everything is so chuffin' expensive out here - as you know. I am in the process of going through shock at the moment. I am on the West Coast - Perth.

What would you do?

Thanks for your help so far.....Katie

I am in Perth too. It is so expensive here and jobs are getting harder to find. Many employers here provide free counseling for staff. Can you set up some sessions through your dhs work? And set up an appointment with centrelink they will give you good news re benefits and even if dh goes back to uk he will still have to pay cm.

By the way i think your marriage is saveable. It is cheaper for you and your dh to work on the marriage than divorce. If your dh is even moderately intelligent he will figure that out.

I don't think he wants to go back to the UK as he likes it here. But I have no idea how the legal system works here.

I rang up Relate Australia weeks ago when things were getting rocky (before I knew about the above) and am in a wait list. Husband has always said he wouldn't go to counselling though. Relate Australia are going to charge me $150 for a 50 minute session as the session is based on joint income even if I go on my own. I am earning $32K a year for 20 hours a week and my job is only contract.

I am assuming he will have to pay child maintenance if we both stay out here. We would have to sell the house we are in and I honestly don't know if we could afford two houses here.

Thanks for all your support guys. I don't have anyone here to speak too as I have been here such a short time.

I am really angry at what he has done. But I do admit to being really grumpy and difficult since moving here so have some part to blame in what has happened.

We have been married 16 years.

Katie

As an aside and I know this is wrong, since I confronted him about it all, we have been having lots of sex. In my warped view I think it may bring him back to me. It's called hysterical bonding. Very common.

What do you want? In an ideal world. Well not ideal but you know what I mean. Stay together, part, all go home, you go home, separate houses?

So he is saying he wants to separate?

I've a friend who this happened to. Although it was her that had an affair, not her dh. She lost custody of her dc as he was the one with a job, although they were here on her visa. She has them at weekends and things but now she is completely stuck here.

If you said that you wanted to go back to the UK with the dc what would he say? Not that I am saying you should do that but it might not be an option anyway.

When I got here, people told me that the first two years were the worst, and I think that is true. You do, well accept it more I suppose, after that.

Do you have any family back home?

For me, I know if my dh died I would go back to the UK and that's how I know I am not settled.

IME lots of lawyers worldwide will offer a free half hour. They do in teh UK, they do here in Canada. So go and ask one a few questions. One who deals with immigration AND family law.

Husband definitely doesn't want to go back to Uk. Savoy Cabbage I am glad you says it takes two years to settle.

I acknowledge I have been a sod to live with as I just found it tough making friends getting a job (188 applications on SEEK).

I asked him to spend a few days with a colleague at work, but he has refused, so at the moment we are under the same roof. He has taken one of our children to football now hence I am on the computer.

The children are blissfully unaware of what is happening. I just can't think straight.

I am here on his visa. The worst thing in the world would be if I end up living in another country from them.

Just feeling very bitter and twisted.
Katie

OH dear Katie - it sounds horrific! One of my biggest fears, albeit largely unfounded (so far, although I'm getting worse and worse to live with, I think!)

I've been out here nearly 6 years, in NSW - DH is Australian and so are both DSs, although 1 was born in the UK - I haven't taken citizenship yet, although I could. But am a permanent resident on a permanent visa, so have access to Centrelink payments should anything go tits up.

You obviously know about the Hague Convention, so you'd be unable to move the children without your DH's permission. I'm not sure whether you'd be able to get a visa in your own right if you're all out here on your DH's 457, but you could ask your employer if they would sponsor you to stay. You need legal advice asap though.

I think 2 years is a minimum to settle, tbh - even 6y in, I'm still not fully settled, although we won't be moving back to the UK, as DH absolutely would not want to.

As an aside, can I suggest that if you post in either Legal or Living Overseas, you might get more targeted responses - of course it's us Antipodeans on here at the moment, but it might still garner more useful info if you post similar threads in both the other areas.

Your crappy moods do not excuse his emotional affair. Don't forget that. Even without the ea your marriage was in trouble though. I still urge you to check if his work provides free counseling, it will save you a lot of money.

What an awful situation you are in. Please stop having sex with him, he has told you he doesn't want to be with you and refuses counselling. All the sex in the world isn't going to change his mind.

I think you need get back to the UK, you only been there 18 months. I would say to him "I am leaving with or without the kids." Can he really have full custody of the kids if he works full time? Very unlikely. he may let you take them.

He has told you he wants to separate. Try to start to accept that and act as if that is what is going to happen.

There is always the chance that if he sees you strong and trying to move on he will think about what he is giving up. And if he doesn't feel that way, well, you have to move on and make appropriate plans anyway.

You are in a very difficult position and I feel for you.

Hi there

Sorry but what your husband has done is plain outrageous. He has been duplicitous, deceitful and has betrayed your trust.

Perhaps, it's not my place to say, but why are you continuing to have sex with him? I doubt it will bring him back you. But even then if his sexual gratification is all the relationship is built on then that is not a relationship - that is a situation where you are being used for sex. That's wrong. Nobody should be used for their body. Ever.

I'm hearing no end of situations just like this from female friends and colleagues - husbands and boyfriends sexting other people on their phones/sending pictures of their penis to strangers/looking at porn all the time.

It's totally crazy, pathetic and makes me embarrassed to be a man.

Your situation makes my blood boil. He takes you to Australia, where you don't want to be, on his visa. Then he has multiple affairs (they are affairs, he's just trying to convince you otherwise) and then wants a separation. Then you might lose your right to stay and have to leave the kids in Australia!!! What a total arsehole. This world is still so male dominated it makes me sick to the stomach.

If I was you, I would get all the kids back to the uk. Call his bluff. Tell him, if you can't go back, he will become sole custodian and you might not even be in the country. I am willing to bet he won't want to do that if he's busy trying to shag his way aroung the world.

Not to justify his actions at all, but how did you expect him to respond to 18 months of you, as you say, being grumpy & difficult to live with? Did you think he would say let's go back to the UK? (I'm also wondering how much of a shared decision it was to emigrate...)

Agree with all the posters who say it takes time to adapt to a new place. I worked overseas a lot & the job is the easy bit compared to establishing a life in a new country.

Beware dangerous suggestions on here about just taking the kids back to UK - this would really damage yr case for custody if you do seperate.

Absolutely do not run off with the children to the UK - this IS against the Hague convention, and 18m is plenty long enough for them to consider Australia as their "habitual residence" - it's not worth it.

You really need proper legal advice.

I agree with Thumb. I have heard of people being legally dragged back to the country they were habitually resident in. Then you have the situation, plus the fact you have broken international law. Just get some legal advice. It may be that because you can't stay without him, there is some legal course to get the kids back to the UK (right to a family life or something) but you have to check first.

Yes, the hague convention is in place to stop you taking the children back if he disagrees. But will he disagree? I worried about that when I had to move countries with mine, but I was open and honest and said I couldn't stay unless he paid maintenance and he didn't want to so I was able to leave without any worries.

I'm not saying go without telling him what you want to do. You need to spell it out to him. If you can't stay and the kids can't go with you, he will be the sole parent 24/7. he will not want to do that if he wants the single life and he will not stop you going home, where you will have the support of your family. It is totally unreasonable for him to expect anything else in the circumstances if you haven't got a visa.

I don't know what the situation with visas is if you split up, I know when my friend split with her dh, he stayed. Surely they can't boot you out and not let the dc stay! I can't see that happening.

Hi Guys

Thanks for your positive support. I have booked a free 15 minute telephone legal session to discuss my options. I am here on Permanent Residency so I don't think they can just boot me out the country but at the same time I do not have much of an income so I'm worried he'll get the kids.

He is still adamant he wants a seperation and has contnued to Skype this woman over the long public holiday weekend.

It is really hard for me as I have no one here to talk too about it. I don't know enough people here and i lived in the same area in Britian for 17 years so had a real supportive network of friends.

I think we may have gone past the counselling stage now as I am not prepared to put up with him Skyping this woman every night.

Katie

What a prince. Document everything because if you want to prove the children would be better off with you, you need evidence.

So sorry you're having a rough time. What a shit he's being. It does prove that some people's true colours only come out when they have some power. Urgh.

You've got to stop having sex with him. You've got to stop sharing a bedroom with him.

So which permanent residency visa are you on? I'm a bit confused, because you generally need to have lived in the country for two years before you can even apply for permanent residency, and then it takes 3-6+ mths to be approved. Is it possible that he's not told you the full story re the visas? How involved have you been with the paperwork?