It's a real mess - anyone been in same situation separation?

[RibbonKatie]

Hi there

I moved out to Australia 18 months ago with husband and four
children. Our relationship hasn't been good and I have been awful to live with because I haven't been very settled. I realise I have been difficult to live with and accept this wholeheartedly.

Have noticed recently that husband was behaving slightly weird. He was losing weight , shaving his chest hair etc....anyway he started playing on words with friends (phone game app) and was locked onto this for hours on end. I complained and said he was on there too much.

Oen night I was so fed up managed to gain access to his phone and discovered he had been sexting woman in Canada. It had been going on for only four weeks but they are Skyping regularly (he works away a lot). 3 hour Skype sessions etc and he was allegedly going to visit her in Toronto in August and they'd drawn up an itenary of his visit. There's more to it though cos he had also signed up to a site called Ashley Madison where you look for sexual partners with no strings attached.

I confronted him and he said he wanted to separate.

I don't think I want to separate and want to give it another try. I still love him and am wondering is he just having a mid life crisis? He is adamant we should break up and it is causing me heart ache.

As we are living in Oz, this could create huge complications. It is an expensive place to live and although working part time, on my wage I couldn't even afford our weekly mortgage. I am permanent residency. The kids don't want to move back so I could be stuck out here.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone here about the mess as I don't really know anyone enough to discuss such a thing.

As an aside and I know this is wrong, since I confronted him about it all, we have been having lots of sex. In my warped view I think it may bring him back to me.

Really don't know what to do - any advice please?

Katie

And yes, I agree with pp - he is behaving like a total cunt! Kick him out of your bedroom. Sorry this is happening to you - you must be sick with worry.

I agree with stop giving him what he wants - he's just using your body, if he's still skyping bloody Canada woman. Don't think much of her either if she's continuing to take his calls, frankly - but obviously she has no responsibility to you or your children and he does, so he's WAY more at fault.

Wish you were in NSW, I'd come and listen.

Yes, do tell us which visa you/ he are on so we can help more - save your 15mins phonecall for the stuff that really matters re. children etc.

You can get permanent residency straight away, I did.

Really Glastokitty? I apologise, I didn't know that was possible. Getting pr straight away would have saved us a lot of hassle.

Well I got it as my husband was born in Oz (but left when he was a kid), but I have friends who got it before emigrating, depends on if you are on the wanted skills list I think. But yes having PR saved us a lot of cash and hassle!

Hi yes - his occupation was on the skilled shortage list so we got PR immediatley. I believe we can then apply for citizenship after 5 years.

I am still in a state of shock. It only blew up on Friday.

I am just struggling imaging a life out here, on a relatively low income in a place where I don't really want to be.

Do you think he is having a mid life crisis?

Seriously, stop wondering and worrying about HIM - concentrate on you. I know you're hoping he'll change his mind, but you can't work to that - you have to work to the principle that he's serious and get everything in place to deal with that situation.

Four years is all you need to be here before you can apply for citizenship (although your visa runs out after 5 years, I've discovered - this doesn't mean that you get thrown out, but if you leave the country after 5 years without being a citizen, then you need a "right to return" visa to get back in)

But you still haven't told us what category your, or his, visa is. Are you on a 457? What?

No visa.

We are here as Permanent Residents. So we acquired enough points to stay here on his occupation being on the skills shortgae list,so I assume it was Permanent Residency Visa.

Thanks for all your support

Yes, you're on a permanent residence visa, similar to me, although mine is "sponsored" by my Australian DH (so it's a permanent spousal visa).

What I said in the middle paragraph in my last post still applies to you, except it's called a Resident Return Visa (not right to return), just so you know. :)

Do you have permanent residency in your own right or is it linked to his?

If you weren't born in Australia then you have a visa. Even if it's a PR one, like I am. It sounds like your dh obtained PR by obtaining sponsorship under the Regional Sponsored Migration Scheme. If that's the case, I presume you are on a spousal visa. You need to find out exactly what happens with that if you divorce.

You asked earlier what I would do. I would stop sleeping with him. I would get legal advice. I would find out if he would be happy being the sole parent to my dcs if I returned to the uk, and if this horrified him (as it doesn't sound like he exactly has the children's interests at heart), then I would use this as leverage to get him to agree to taking them back to the uk. I'm sure if the children realised that life would be financially easier with you in the uk, then they would come round to moving. Their education is something that with nurturing and support can be got round.

Alternatively, if you have no option but to stay here - if he won't allow the kids to go back, or you allow them to insist on staying, then I would look into selling the house, splitting the profits and using that to find a good rental. I would pursue him ferociously for maintenance, and get my arse to centrelink sharpish, as they only backdate claims to the date you applied. Between your pt work, centrelink and maintenance, you should be able to maintain a decent standard of living for the dcs.

And finally, I'd stop looking at his behaviour as a blip, some sort of mid life crisis, and see it for the abhorrent betrayal of your vows that it was. Oh and sadly, I'd go to the dr and ask for a referral to a (preferably bulk billed) sexual health clinic.