Over reaction? So angry (in law related)

[ClareAbshire]

I need some perspective on this. have NC as details on previous username might out me and don't really want to be outed.

Got a 11 month old little boy, and next month we are having a humanist naming ceremony for him. It's been being planned for around six months and we've asked our sisters- me and DP have one each- to be guardians, which involves taking part in the ceremony.

DPs sister and he were previously close (as I am- very close- to my own sister) but since meeting her new boyfriend about six months ago she's become increasingly distant and offensive (he's very misoginistic, macho, a bit racist, pretty thick). She's become more and more involved with his terrible friends and is heavily involved in his hobbies (including some campaigning with UKIP. Charming!) telling you this so you understand what's going on in terms of her "moving away" from relationship with DP. Since all this she's increasingly uninterested in speaking to or seeing DP and our son (who, I should add, is her one and only niece/nephew).

Anyway she's just, over lunch, announced that she's booked a holiday with her boyfriend and it coincides with the naming ceremony. I was very, very angry and had to politely excuse myself before I said something I would regret, as this is the final straw for me... Six long months of mucking DP about and not bothering to get in touch to see him or our son. I know my DP is crushed. I'm not naive enough to think that the naming ceremony means as much to anyone else as it does to me and DP but I'm seething with rage and can't see a way forward for our relationship with her. Where do we go from here? All advice welcome. It doesn't help that I know my sister would never ever do anything like this.

Completely

Thanks again for more opinions and support. Regarding the comment about her "dickhead colours", I've said that here but would never ever express that in real life, not even to my DH. I was venting. I stand by it- I think she has acted like a dickhead simply if nothing else because she hasn't apologised to DP, she just told him like "oh by the way..." And didn't even say sorry. I do think that's dickhead esque. And I have said it here precisely to make sure I don't say it in real life. This is where Im venting!

In terms of it taking six months etc to sort, we booked the day and party after for the date we have as its our 10th wedding anniversary on the same day, so we wanted to make a day of it and have a proper do. On the invitations we've said its a double celebration, with naming ceremony and appointing of supporting adults late afternoon and then disco, booze and mucky disco in the evening. So it hasn't taken six months to plan, so much as its been in the works for six months. I'm not making Pinterest cupcakes with my baby's face on or anything. I know it's easy for me to say but I swear I'm not being precious. If anyone else couldn't come (and for a while it looked like a close friend couldn't, due to a conference he had to go with for work, although he's since sorted it) I wouldn't make a fuss at all. It's more the fact that it's DPs one and only sister, that she knew about the do and accepted the invite, and that she had accepted the guardian role in advance but STILL booked the holiday.

Me and SIL aren't close. She's ten years younger than me and we are quite different people. But I did think up until this and the moving away from DP since she's met this boyfriend that we at least liked one another. Now I feel snubbed and like there's a rift that happened without me being informed.

DP has spoken to PILs today and they are upset at the upset IYSWIM, and are saying, at least to us that they support us and think she's out of order. SIL then rang DP this morning, still no apology but was very stubborn and kept saying there was nothing she could do re the holiday but didn't want DP to be upset and that he shouldn't be upset. DP is fuming and sad in equal measure still and is saying, at least for now, he can't talk to her because he's so angry and upset. And I know exactly where he's coming from. If it was my sister I would be the same.

Lol realised throughout that I've said DP and then real details of our anniversary were in last post. I'm not mad or a troll, promise. Just originally said DP to try and conceal my identity. But cover blown- he is my DH and it is our anniversary too twonk emoticon

Now I feel snubbed

Choose not to! Tell her you'll miss her and try to mean it

You feel hurt, because it's hurtful.

Your SIL is telling your DH not to feel upset, because she doesn't want to take responsibility for upset him. It's inconvenient for her conscience to be pricked in this way.

I suspect she is quite young - early 20s? She will probably grow up and feel embarrassed in a few years time, so keep the doors open. But in the meantime, keep a distance. No point in your DH being hurt over and over again. But no point in a big family drama, either.

I think she has been rude.
However, I don't think you should go nc.

This is one event in a lifetime of your dh and his dsis being siblings.

The change on meeting her bf is worrying. The fact she comes from a dysfunctional family makes it more not less worrying.

Yes your dh might be annoyed she will not be there on a special day but far, far worse if he were not there for her if this rs goes bad.

Really would mot be surprised if the bf chose the dates, booked the hol and manipulated the whole thing just to cause a rift. And he may well be manipulating her opinion on the subject i.e. " its no big deal." "Look how they are reacting"

Really abusive controlling men love sowing discord.

Hope you have a lovely day