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Original poster

Over reaction? So angry (in law related)

57 replies

ClareAbshire · 25/04/2015 17:53

I need some perspective on this. have NC as details on previous username might out me and don't really want to be outed.

Got a 11 month old little boy, and next month we are having a humanist naming ceremony for him. It's been being planned for around six months and we've asked our sisters- me and DP have one each- to be guardians, which involves taking part in the ceremony.

DPs sister and he were previously close (as I am- very close- to my own sister) but since meeting her new boyfriend about six months ago she's become increasingly distant and offensive (he's very misoginistic, macho, a bit racist, pretty thick). She's become more and more involved with his terrible friends and is heavily involved in his hobbies (including some campaigning with UKIP. Charming!) telling you this so you understand what's going on in terms of her "moving away" from relationship with DP. Since all this she's increasingly uninterested in speaking to or seeing DP and our son (who, I should add, is her one and only niece/nephew).

Anyway she's just, over lunch, announced that she's booked a holiday with her boyfriend and it coincides with the naming ceremony. I was very, very angry and had to politely excuse myself before I said something I would regret, as this is the final straw for me... Six long months of mucking DP about and not bothering to get in touch to see him or our son. I know my DP is crushed. I'm not naive enough to think that the naming ceremony means as much to anyone else as it does to me and DP but I'm seething with rage and can't see a way forward for our relationship with her. Where do we go from here? All advice welcome. It doesn't help that I know my sister would never ever do anything like this.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2015 10:55

I personally think going NC is a bit OTT. She's booked a holiday and simply didn't prioritise your special day. So that makes her thoughtless and possible not very nice but not necessarily an evil person who needs to be forever avoided.

I'd certainly be cool with her and express my disappointment but frankly, as above, she doesn't sound like a good candidate for the job and you will in the long run surely be better off choosing someone who actually values being asked and shows an interest.

Let it go.

meandjulio · 26/04/2015 10:59

I thought rootypig's post was really interesting and very resonant.

I'd agree that this will probably make the event better. I wouldn't actually choose someone else, having one guardian is fine. Just let the whole issue lie fallow.

magoria · 26/04/2015 11:07

Some people are just not as into other people's DC as the other people would like them to be. Also to be honest babies aren't that interesting to some other people until they can interact.

After 6 months of a naming day being organised where I was supposed to play a part I think I would rather go on holiday too.

Simply accept that your DP now has a new life which includes you and DC and she has a new life with different priorities.

SelfLoathing · 26/04/2015 11:19

I agree that it was bad behaviour but I do think you are massively over-reacting.

It's only a naming ceremony - many people wouldn't consider that to have any status or import at all. I appreciate that isn't your view; but a lot of people would consider differently. For example, some people would place weight on a Christening/baptism if they are religious but consider that a naming ceremony is trivial.

It's your child; it's important to you. Not important to others.

Have you considered that she may not have wanted to come for other reasons (didn't want to attend; didn't want to be a guardian) and rather than address this with you directly, took a coward's way out?

She wouldn't be the first person to do this.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 11:20

Thing is, once you've accepted an invitation you don't then unaccept if you get a better offer unless you have a very good reason for doing so, and you speak to the person who issued the invite in the first place - you shouldn't just simply drop it into conversation. As adults we know that - and most of us pass those manners onto our kids.

It definitely sounds like you had a lucky escape though - if she does something like this then she doesn't sound as if she'd be a particularly good guardian.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/04/2015 11:23

OP, it's fair to say that if somebody accepts an invitation to an event then they should honour it, they should. If they care about the person, whether they value the event or not, they've agreed to it. That's that bit.

It's not your call to decide to 'go NC' as a family. You can if you want to - the rest is up to your husband, it's his sister. Do not involve your child in this, it can have repercussions that you don't want years down the line. It's not your job to deprive your child of family if your husband chooses to remain in contact - it's his child too - and that is what could happen.

Keep your feelings about your SIL and her boyfriend to yourself and vent here. Your husband needs support, this isn't really about you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/04/2015 11:24

Get your support here, is what I mean.

sonjadog · 26/04/2015 11:37

Going NC would seem like a massive overreaction to me. I think you find someone else to be the guardian and enjoy your day without her. Your
DP's relationship with his sister has changed and they may never be as close again, but that it life. Siblings grow up, start their own lives and sometimes grow apart. It isn't something awful she is doing to you. She is just living her life as she chooses. So be sad for a while, talk it through with your DP who is upset, and then you move on with your lives too, incorporating the changed relationship.

nickersinaknot · 26/04/2015 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlemonstersrule · 26/04/2015 13:05

Going NC is a complete over reaction. Did you really need to drag it out for six months? It's just a party at the end of the day. The baby already has a name and its not a Christian celebration. Given the choice of a holiday or a "pretend" christening, most people would go away.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/04/2015 13:13

A bit harsh, Littlemonsters... SIL did agree to it, that's the thing. If she hadn't then fair enough but she did. It's her brother, her niece/nephew and she'd been asked to take a role. Even if you don't see the role as anything important as it's not a 'legal' or 'religious' thing, a family member has deemed the ceremony important and SIL important enough to ask to do carry out the role.

I would privately agree and I suspect the two SILs do not like each other very much, there's probably a back story.

DrMorbius · 26/04/2015 13:29

I'm with you littlemonsters, Naming Day(WTF) it's a half baked attempt to replicate a religious/spiritual event in a non religious/spiritual context. An oxymoron if there ever was one.

Wishful80smontage · 26/04/2015 13:35

We've gone nc with oh sis as she showed little to no interest in our dd then kicked off to my oh to say he'd not done enough for her after our dd was born Confused
Anyway I think you have had a lucky escape- keep contact low to minimum and if she continues be someone you wouldn't want your dc around then I think nc is the way to go!

2rebecca · 26/04/2015 13:36

I agree with others that although her behaviour is disappointing in that it shows your family are a low priority to her if being a guardian is to have any meaning then it's best you have supportive people as guardians so probably best she isn't one.
Just have 1 guardian or choose a friend as the other one.
She had her choice to be involved so can't feel snubbed, you get a ceremony without offensive people.
I think naming ceremonies are more meaningful than christenings as an atheist but didn't bother with my kids.
I didn't go to my nephews' christenings but it's an 8 hour drive and I wasn't expected to attend. My brother and SIL know I love my nephews but as an atheist I wasn't going to be a godparent and the ceremony was mainly for them as they are Christian and not a big extended family showy affair.
Your SIL may be a great aunty when she is older. Have a nice party without her this time.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 14:55

It doesn't matter if you 'agree' with naming ceremonies or not - once you accept an invitation it's bloody bad form to back out because something better has come along, without apologising to the person issuing the invite and explaining to them why you are not longer able to attend.

nozzz · 26/04/2015 15:00

Strikes me as an overreaction to situation.

Coyoacan · 26/04/2015 16:22

Another one thinking it is a lucky escape, do you really want a racist misogynist as the moral guardian of your child? Your post suggests that you do not share these opinions.

Invizicat · 26/04/2015 16:27

Naming ceremony/christening/ wiccan dance around a gorse bush/dog's birthday makes no difference.

She said yes to the date.
She later casually dropped into a conversation that she wasn't available without apologising.

That's a snub, pure and simple.

Personally I wouldn't go NC, partly for your dh's sake,partly in case she is being abused. But I would keep things on a polite but distant basis.

I would also make bloody sure that the naming ceremony is a lovely family day for everyone present with lots of cake, champagne and family photos so DSIL is made conspicuous by her absence and realises she missed out .

WistfulRune · 26/04/2015 16:38

This is a thread about the shifting sands of familial relationships and a young woman (SIL) who, at best, may have made an unfortunate date-clash with her holiday booking, at worst, doesn't want to go to your naming ceremony.

Politics has no place in a post like this - you have let yourself down badly.

Vijac · 26/04/2015 16:52

Boyfriend sounds horrid, is he controlling her and pulling her away from family do you think? Think you're overreacting a bit over the naming though. She can still be a guardian in absentee and maybe you can pick an extra one for the day. I always think it's nice to have someone that wouldn't have a role like aunty or grandma otherwise. As auntie will always be auntie regardless. I would just stop making much effort, but don't be cross. Make sure you hubby is there for her if there's a fall out from the boyfriend.

rootypig · 26/04/2015 16:59

Thanks julio Smile I agree with Wistful. OP, try to find a space where you can just not react, as a way of letting go of all this righteous anger. She's your sister by marriage. Try to love her. it's just that the sister is now showing her dickhead colours is a vile way to speak about someone who you purport to have been close with and care about. But only as long as she follows your script, is that it? Maybe she too knows this.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 17:45

The OP has not purported to be close the SIL. There is no reason on earth to 'love her' after the way she has treated the OP's DP.

rootypig · 26/04/2015 17:51

Either the OP cares about her enough to be genuinely hurt, or she doesn't. The speed with which she's come out with something really spiteful to say about this woman is telling.

The reason to love her, is to prevent everyone becoming twisted up with dislike. The reason to love her, is she is this baby's aunt. Believe me when I say I speak from experience. You can choose to get your knickers in a twist or just.... let it go.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 18:00

Not at all. She is angry at the moment because her DP is upset ("crushed") and she feels that the SIL isn't interested in her DC - that's explained in the OP. She isn't hurt because she cares about the OP - she's hurt because she cares about the effect it's had on her family. Which is completely understandable.

There is no reason to love someone who behaves like this. I'm sure that once the dust has settled she'll feel indifference to the SIL as opposed to being twisted up with dislike.

rootypig · 26/04/2015 18:09

Different perspectives SirC Smile

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