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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DDs dad has got back in contact

26 replies

BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:06

I received a message from him yesterday

"Is there any chance of me having xxx for a couple hours as soon as please?"

This is the first message I've from him in over a month. He hasn't seen DD for over two months. His last message was to tell me he wasn't having her because he had food poisoning and then insulting me!

I know he didn't have food poisoning. He was hungover. He was out with a friends friends boyfriend "getting on it" Hmm

From the day she was born he's let her down. Always making arrangements with her then not showing up or cancelling 5 minutes before he's due to collect her.

Then there's the emotional blackmail and the woe is me sob stories.

He just doesn't care about her unless his mum has a go at him about it and the few times he actually has had her he's just taken pictures of her to upload on fucking Facebook and Instagram pretending to be father of the year!!

I can't deal with him anymore. Our lives are so much happier when he's not in it causing chaos

I don't want him to have anything to do with her but I don't know what to do

I haven't replied to his message as I needed time to think about what to say other than fuck the fuck off!

I'm really at a loss here someone please give me advice with what I should do!

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 25/04/2015 14:10

Does he pay maintenance? If so, any chance he's being chased for it and needs evidence of contact so he can pay less?

Sorry, in a cynical mood today....

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:13

He pays nothing at the moment, I have gone to the CMO though

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 25/04/2015 14:15

my reply has just disappeared.

I suggested telling him to go to mediation so you can put your DD needs to him about reliable consistent contact.

How old is your DD? how does she feel about contact.

BlackeyedSusan · 25/04/2015 14:16

how old is dd? rwo months is ages for someone small, not so for someone older.

ignore for abit while you think of a reasonable answer. when yyou answer answer in a way that shows you are putting dd's best interests first. eg where would be best to meet and for how long given he has not seen her for a while.

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:22

Sorry for drip feeding.

I tried mediation he wasn't interested literally not bothered in the slightest. I made all the contact, arranged all the meetings he didn't bother going!

Shes 18 months now

I don't want him to see her he doesn't deserve her and she doesn't deserve someone like him in her life. I know that's awful I do I just don't know what else to do.

I feel awful for giving her father like him I'm so disappointed in myself Sad

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 25/04/2015 14:26

Tell him to fuck off. If he wants to beca father, let him fight for her. Waste of space.

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:32

Thank you Marooned! That's what I want to do but fear being made out as the Bitch again. I've just made it so easy for him and still he's a fuck up.

Would me not allowing contact affect my claim with the CMO?

OP posts:
Jackw · 25/04/2015 14:35

You could text back "any chance of some maintenance, as soon as?"

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:37

GrinGrin Jack!

I think I might!!

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 25/04/2015 14:38

Don't worry about looking like a bitch. Hes a waster. As your dd gets older shes gping to feel the impact of his actions. I don't know about your claim but hes not paying anyway?

Its not your fault he hasn't stepped up. Flowers

HoppityVoosh · 25/04/2015 14:38

I would insist on mediation before he has contact again and if he doesn't bother to turn up for that then you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Contact and maintenance are entirely separate. He still needs to pay even if he doesn't see her. Although maintenance does reduce according to how many overnights he has (I assume that's none though!).

maroonedwithfour · 25/04/2015 14:39

I like jackw answer.Grin

HoppityVoosh · 25/04/2015 14:40

Or what Jack said! Grin

FelicityGubbins · 25/04/2015 14:41

As far as I know (I'm married and have never dealt with it personally) but I think contact is only enforceable if there is a court order, otherwise it's your decision as to whether he can see your dd or not.

Reginafalangie · 25/04/2015 14:45

Text back

I would be more than happy to arrange contact however given your lack of consistency in seeing our daughter I am afraid my trust in you has diminished. Name needs a stable relationship with her father and so far you have failed to provide this. I will happily attend mediation with you to establish a solid consistent approach to contact, please let me know when you have set this up as my previous attempts to do so were fruitless as you did not attend.

It is clear and polite without sounding like you are blocking contact. You are putting the ball in his court. Sadly courts do not care if he pays nothing it is all about the children having a relationship with the crap parent and if the RP is seen to be blocking contact courts frown upon it Sad

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:47

That's very true he pays nothing now so we won't be losing his £5 a week maintenance! No over nights either. He's in a hostel after being kicked out of his nans house so His mum said he could have dd at her house every other Saturday night that never happened!

This is exactly why I want to stop contact. It's not going to affect her now but it will when she's older and understands and I'll have to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
textfan · 25/04/2015 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 14:48

Thank you Regina. I will send that. I know he'll just text back "Kl" Grin

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/04/2015 14:49

If you do let him see her, I'd insist on a contact centre until he gets to know her again. Shes only a baby, he's probably just a stranger to her.

Frikadellen · 25/04/2015 14:51

As much as you want to don't chase him away and don't deny your dd to get the chance to make a relationship with her father.
You say his mother gets at him? Could you arrange a set time your dd goes to grandmas and then if he wants to see her he can go there?

I know it will be hard for you to do. However it is not about if "he" deserves her it is about "she" deserves a relationship with her father and his side of the family. Unless there are serious concerns - and him being a bit of a flake is not one as much as it can feel that way- it will be in your dds interest to have this relationship with her father.

Maintain ce has nothing to do with him seeing or not seeing her they are looked at as separate issues for a good reason.
You sound like a mother who cares a great deal about your dd, so be there for her as she learns her father is not reliable don't Bad mouth (not suggesting you do) and teach her she has unconditional love from you. If his mother is interested then aloof your dd contact with her it is good for our children to learn that other people but mummy./daddy loves us.

I know it is frustrating and hair tearing when your dealing with a man child however if you don't allow her a relationship with him she will grow up resenting this and he will turn it to his advantage.. Can't you see the convo to her 17/18 year old who have found him.. I wanted to see you so bad but your mother wouldn't let me...

Don't give him that on you. I would suggest if grandma is willing ad around to do so regular. Contact w her and when daddy of the year sweeps in tell him you can see her when she is with your mum at x time.

Reginafalangie · 25/04/2015 14:54

It is difficult not to text back no cos you are shit Grin but you need to start protecting yourself now because if he ever does go to court for access he will say all kinds of lies about you blocking.

Keep all texts you send him and what he replies.

I agree to the contact centre too and no over nights until he has a suitable home and you are comfortable with it.

meglet · 25/04/2015 14:57

If he didn't want to do mediation then IMO he's blown his chance.

Keep records of everything but TBH from what I've heard I'd let him fade away if I were you. I gave my XP 6 months (mediation and a contact centre attempt) then stopped battling. We haven't seen him in 6yrs.

pressone · 25/04/2015 15:01

Maintenance is not dependent on contact or contact on maintenance, children are not pay per view. Your daughter is jointly both your child. She has the right to a relationship with both of you, and to understand both sides of the family both sociologically and genetically. Neither parent has the right to dictate what the other parent does with the child, unless it is damaging to the child.

Having said that irregular contact, especially when one parent consistently lets the child down, and other actions that are not in the child's best interests are not helpful.

If he posts pictures on Facebook that you feel might bring harm to the child, that is a genuine concern, if he posts pictures that you don't like because you are upset that he is making himself out to be something he is not, is, I'm sorry to say, an issue you will have to get over.

If he goes to court (even if it is because his Mother has nagged him) then he will be entitled to see his DD unless there are child protection issues that you haven't mentioned.

Much as it is tempting to text what Jack has suggested, this could be used against you. I would recommend that you say you want to discuss your joint child's long term future and health with him, in the presence of an independent third party, i.e. mediation. You should discuss regular visitation, any health issues your daughter has, foods that she may be allergic or have bad reactions to, regular maintenance payments for her best interests etc. This should all be phrased as the best interests of the child as that is what any court would look at. If he refuses to go to mediation (keep texts etc) then you have a much stronger case to argue that it is not in the best interests of the child to have irregular contact, frequent cancellations that upset and confuse her and have meant that she cannot form a bond with him, especially if he won't discuss her health and well-being.

Co-parenting when you cannot stand the other parent is very hard, but you have to keep an objective view of the best interests of the child uppermost at all times.

Original poster
BigFatPanda · 25/04/2015 15:03

Drip feeding again sorry Grin

His mum is amazing with DD. She's had her once a week without fail since she was 6 months old. She has her over night every few months all this without me ever asking. If she can't have her she'll text and tell me a week in advance. I don't know how she spawned the son of satin when she herself is a saint! She used to call him when she had dd and he would turn up 10 minutes before she was dropping her home, take pictures of her then fuck off Shock She doesn't bother anymore either

My "dad" was exactly the same. My mum stopped our contact with him and I can honestly say I've never resented her for that. I never asked for him though she would often ask if we wanted to see him but we never did.

That is a big concern for me though. I could explode with the love I have for DD it would kill me if she grew up hating me for not letting her see that waste of space.

I will suggest a contact centre and put the onus on him to sort everything out. I know he won't bother but at least I can say I tried. AGAIN!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 25/04/2015 15:28

If DD is seeing her grandmother then that's really good (for both DD and gran, and also for you.) In this case, best thing to do with her shit-brained father is to text him 'DD is at your mum's house on [dates] and you can see her then.'
His mum will make sure DD is well looked after (and not disappointed if Daddy doesn't show up) and you can, if necessary, demonstrate a perfectly reasonable offer of contact if this man starts whining to a lawyer later on.

If it goes to court and you can show you have been reasonable, you won't be ordered to bend over backwards to accommodate an unreasonable man.