No longer trust my dh. WWYD? (very long post, I do apologise)

[wanttohope]

God, I don't even know where to start.

My dh and I have been together for more than 15 years. I absolutely adore him and would kiss the ground he is walking on. I have always trusted him and never even considered to doubt a word he said.
But...

One evening about a year ago while he was out for a run, a relative of mine visited and we where chatting, etc and he wanted to show me something online so he went to our computer trying to open a browser..and basically saw something that showed my dh was a member on a online swingers community.
I was absolutely petrified, in a state of shock, I just can't describe how I felt. I have tried to keep my dignity and played it that in front of my relative, smiled, pretended nothing had happened and moved on - my dh is the perfect partner and never have portrayed him otherwise!

I wasn't sure what swingers were and this website was some sort of a platform where hundreds of men/women/couples from our area were looking for sex partners.

Anyhow, I was boiling when my dh returned. I confronted him, his face went sheet white instantly; he tried to find some silly excuses, babbled for a few minutes (I was having none of it) and then he finally admitted that he was interested and that "let's face it - I no longer find you attractive and you are no longer attracted to me" - this was definitely not true in my case, since I have known him I have never had eyes for anyone else and I find him extremely sexy.

Bit of background:
At the time I was recovering after a miscarriage and yes, our sex life hadn't been fantastic because of this but I thought he understood. Going months back I remember feeling that something was off with him, he was no longer interested in me at all and quite distant; I remember asking him what was wrong, I thought he fancied someone at work for some reason but he said I'm being crazy and "it's not his fault that I am so insecure" - this really hurt at the time and I'll never forget what he said but thought he didn't realise it was hurtful.
In all fairness he has always been extremely sexual and up for it all the time (until 2-3 years ago) and I had libido issues because of medication I had been on for ages. He used to get quite frustrated with me for my lack of sexual appetite but I have always tried to satisfy him somehow.

Back to the swinging revelation - he has told me he was ashamed of what he had done (he claimed that nothing happened, but the fact that he considered it) and that he didn't want to lose me and would never again do anything to hurt me.
I thought I was going to have a heart attack that night (i do get a bad rythm at times), etc. I had asked him to log onto his account and show me what it was all about, whether he made any contact to anyone, etc. He claimed that he haddeleted the account a long time ago, couldn't remember his user name, the email address he used to subscribe to that website, basically he couldn't remember anything (?!).

I really believed he was embarrassed and didn't want to make him suffer even more so I did not press him with any other questions I was also scared of what I could have found out, etc. I promised to myself that I will let this go, bottom line is I was happy believing he still loved me.

He claimed he was looking for a couple for us to experience with. This came as a shock - as I am shamefully, i know - pretty vanilla in bed and only had one other sex partner (before my dh). So it is just unthinkable that he expected me to actually go along with this.
When asked what else he had been hiding from me he quickly blurted out that he watched porn (I know what he tried to do here but I didn't have the energy to point out I really am not an idiot).

For a couple of weeks he had been great with me (had sex almost daily), really loving and caring, like I never thought he would be capable of. Then he slowly drifted back to being distant and not interested.
More recently, for the last few months we only have sex once every couple of weeks or so and only after I mention it as a problem.

I believe that if before he struggled to find me attractive, he now sees right through me as I am 7 months pregnant and have put on weight ( I used to be size 6-8). A friend of his asked how I was on skype and his answer was "hormonal and shit and looks a bit like a whale" . My confidence is at an absolute zero and I don't know what to do.

He stopped telling me I was beautiful a couple of years ago and the passion in his eyes had died at the same time. He no longer touches me/treats me as a woman. I still tell him he is beautiful, because he really is.

The issue that I am facing is that even though I decided to let this whole swinging thing go, the fact that I didn't ask any questions and I wouldn't have gotten any answers anyway means I don't really know what happened and can only guess. This is causing me a lot of distress.
I remember things he did/said, start connecting dots, etc, I've became paranoid at times and stopped trusting him.
Though I have to say that I continue to love him and I think I love him even more, if that was possible.

He is now away on a stag weekend in Amsterdam and I have agreed to him going a while ago because I love him, I want him to have fun and enjoy himself. I didn't want him to resent me for stopping him going. However, deep down I hoped that maybe he will see how uncomfortable I am with the idea and he decides it will be best if he stayed home. At no point did he try to reassure me that nothing will happen and I had to bring it up the night he left. I was in tears and told him I was worried and scared and I didn't trust him. He promised that "he wouldn't go to whores" (his words) and left.

I know for a fact that the stag is planning to go to a brothel and I am in turmoil. I have called my dh last night and said that maybe it wasn't a good idea and would he come back? He said he would if I really wanted him to, but I am being unreasonable and that he wouldn't do anything wrong "especially that he promised me now" (?!). Obviously I got a bit annoyed with the wording he used and he said that I am childish to pick on things he says and find reasons to get upset, I should think outside the box and stop fucking everything up for him, that I am ruining his "experience" and so on. He would look like a dick now if he was to leave earlier and would be embarrassed that he's coming home because I've asked him to.

My question is: is he right? Am i unreasonable? I can no longer trust what's right or wrong in my head.

I am also scared of how our relationship progresses, I am expecting a baby and fear that I will be left on my own while he does whatever he wants to do as clearly he has no consideration for my feelings. And how will us work if I don't trust him? Does he still love me, what exactly is going on?

There's no point asking him if he is going to the red light district. If he has gone to Amsterdam with a stag party, that's what they have gone for. Don't believe any minimising he might do when he gets back.

You can't trust him whatever. It's what you do about it you have to decide.

It's literally like a form of self torture being with a lying tosser such as this. Believe me you will never get the full story.

You have him up there in the Gods on a pedestal to some degree. He is a cheating disrespectful twunt who treats you like dirt.

3 hours jogging or ....dogging I wonder.

Jogging for 3 hours, at the pub with work mates twice a week...er no

He is a lying scumbag and he does not love you.

He loves the idea of 'the mrs' being at home, cleaning, cooking and being bare foot and pregnant;whilst he plays around and behaves as though he is single.

You are strong and both you and your child deserve so much better.

Leave. Leave now.

Stop trying to blame yourself for his twattish, selfish and nasty behaviour.

I feel so sad that you're making excuses for him still and trying to blame your dissatisfaction on you and things you should have been.

I'm not sure anybody would see your attitude as wrong and sees you standing up for yourself as nothing but positive.

You have the right to expect him to be honest and faithful. He isn't either of those things.

Be very organised in gathering all the things you need, you've got the perfect opportunity to do that so make a list and be methodical. Tell people in real life too. This is nothing for you to be ashamed of and you need help, love and support.

Yeah, I got the "I didn't, I'm telling the truth, I don't know" defence too. Lots. It's incredibly hard to get through that - they just stonewall.

I got through it by dumping him.

Got told (about a whole series of prostitute numbers on his phone) that "I never went thought with it". Finally I said "and that is enough, we're done".

You HAVE to understand that you don't need proof. You're just not happy - understandably. You can end it got that.

And I think you'll find your depression and anxiety either lifts or easier to manage when he's gone.

My GP uses a phrase in notes to her colleagues: "SLS". Shit Life Syndrome. That's what you've got right now - a shit life.

But it can be better.

It's not so much the obvious infidelity, it's the gaslighting that gets me. Telling you you're paranoid, making you wonder if it's just you being unreasonable, going crazy, whatever - at a time when you should both be looking forward to your future with the baby. That's unforgivable. How dare he?

He had already gone to AMS for his party weekend. That is why texting him and calling him to come home is/ was a waste of time and very stressful. He had already decided to go, despite your misery. He had made that choice and he thinks he can handle the aftermath as he expects you will make a big fuss, then put up and shut up because you don't want to lose your pretend life with him.

the reason you're not telling people is because you know it's shit and you should ask him to leave. You've been faking it til you make it. Only he doesn't want to. Cut your losses and think how nice it will be to nurse your baby and not wonder where he has been or lay crying as he's not home AGAIN and when he is home he treats you like shit.

People will be fine and you don't have to justify yourself. " He sleeps around and clearly doesn't give a shit. I've tried and tried and he doesn't. He won't change, so it's best we part now" It's gone far enough now. How bad does it have to get for you?

Ask him to leave, or go and stay with a friend. and stop blaming yourself. It's not helping you and is your default reaction. That is why a counsellor is a good idea for you. They will help you see that blaming yourself is wrong in the situations you have been in, and are still in. He is brushing his teeth and going about his day not caring and not really worried about dealing with you when he gets home. Personally I'd refuse to engage with him now and make some plans to split, so you can concentrate on being pregnant.

Beating yourself up won't make him love you, it's not an indication of how much you love someone by how much you make yourself suffer and how long for.

AF, thank you:)

Well, I'll probably never know. It's besides the point now, really.

OP, this is so true.

What he has actually done is beside the point. You are unhappy. You know he doesn't even want to try to look at his contribution to that. Best that you bring this sorry relationship to a close on your own terms now, rather than waiting to find out some huge revelation that will just devastate you even more.

It's terrible to see that he's now moved beyond cruelty into sheer contempt - as with the suggestion about the flight ticket and the "whatever" attitude. I honestly can't see how there could be any way back from this, as you've rightly recognised yourself

You mentioned that you "used to be strong. A very long time ago" but it seems that at last you're rediscovering some of this in making the decision you have. Thing is, you didn't so much lose that strength as have it driven out of you ... it will take time, and I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but I really feel the inevitable split will be the start of much better times for you

get rid of him.

You've got the rest of the weekend.

Copy ALL documents for financials - his national insurance number, a few payslips, his pension details, savings, the house documents, everything (I'm sure wiser ladies than I can get you a list.) lots of corner shops have copiers. If not, photograph them on your phone or scan them if you have scanner.

If you have joint savings, lock them down. If a joint account, move what's your out into your own account. Again, I'm sure other ladies can give you a list of 'to dos.'

Finally, find support. I'd be more than happy to help a friend in this situation, even if I hadn't heard from her in years - shitty men do tend to isolate their victims. Or your family.

Call your local women's aid.

Look at online benefits calculators.

You can do this and your life will be better.

I'd agree with Skipton - if nothing else, it's enormously steadying to have the practicalities at your fingertips.

Wanttohope - I'm so sorry. I can really empathise with the shock of all these revelations.

Please take care of yourself and your unborn child. Talk to your midwife about the stress you have suffered. For what it's worth, I went through a highly stressful situation which caused me to sleep badly during my pregnancy, but baby (now 3 years old) was just fine, and has been a robust child. But I did talk a lot to the midwives, and it was such a relief.

People make mistakes, but it's how they deal with the mistakes which can really show who they are. He is dealing appallingly with his mistakes. He is not a good man, and he doesn't respect women. Don't take it personally - the problem is his. Men who respect women do not head for the red light district.

The arrival of a baby tests the best relationships. This guy is not going to develop into a great father. Please take the advice on here, make photocopies of relevant documents, and get yourself to a lawyer asap. And the suggestion about talking to Women's Aid is a good one.