No longer trust my dh. WWYD? (very long post, I do apologise)

[wanttohope]

God, I don't even know where to start.

My dh and I have been together for more than 15 years. I absolutely adore him and would kiss the ground he is walking on. I have always trusted him and never even considered to doubt a word he said.
But...

One evening about a year ago while he was out for a run, a relative of mine visited and we where chatting, etc and he wanted to show me something online so he went to our computer trying to open a browser..and basically saw something that showed my dh was a member on a online swingers community.
I was absolutely petrified, in a state of shock, I just can't describe how I felt. I have tried to keep my dignity and played it that in front of my relative, smiled, pretended nothing had happened and moved on - my dh is the perfect partner and never have portrayed him otherwise!

I wasn't sure what swingers were and this website was some sort of a platform where hundreds of men/women/couples from our area were looking for sex partners.

Anyhow, I was boiling when my dh returned. I confronted him, his face went sheet white instantly; he tried to find some silly excuses, babbled for a few minutes (I was having none of it) and then he finally admitted that he was interested and that "let's face it - I no longer find you attractive and you are no longer attracted to me" - this was definitely not true in my case, since I have known him I have never had eyes for anyone else and I find him extremely sexy.

Bit of background:
At the time I was recovering after a miscarriage and yes, our sex life hadn't been fantastic because of this but I thought he understood. Going months back I remember feeling that something was off with him, he was no longer interested in me at all and quite distant; I remember asking him what was wrong, I thought he fancied someone at work for some reason but he said I'm being crazy and "it's not his fault that I am so insecure" - this really hurt at the time and I'll never forget what he said but thought he didn't realise it was hurtful.
In all fairness he has always been extremely sexual and up for it all the time (until 2-3 years ago) and I had libido issues because of medication I had been on for ages. He used to get quite frustrated with me for my lack of sexual appetite but I have always tried to satisfy him somehow.

Back to the swinging revelation - he has told me he was ashamed of what he had done (he claimed that nothing happened, but the fact that he considered it) and that he didn't want to lose me and would never again do anything to hurt me.
I thought I was going to have a heart attack that night (i do get a bad rythm at times), etc. I had asked him to log onto his account and show me what it was all about, whether he made any contact to anyone, etc. He claimed that he haddeleted the account a long time ago, couldn't remember his user name, the email address he used to subscribe to that website, basically he couldn't remember anything (?!).

I really believed he was embarrassed and didn't want to make him suffer even more so I did not press him with any other questions I was also scared of what I could have found out, etc. I promised to myself that I will let this go, bottom line is I was happy believing he still loved me.

He claimed he was looking for a couple for us to experience with. This came as a shock - as I am shamefully, i know - pretty vanilla in bed and only had one other sex partner (before my dh). So it is just unthinkable that he expected me to actually go along with this.
When asked what else he had been hiding from me he quickly blurted out that he watched porn (I know what he tried to do here but I didn't have the energy to point out I really am not an idiot).

For a couple of weeks he had been great with me (had sex almost daily), really loving and caring, like I never thought he would be capable of. Then he slowly drifted back to being distant and not interested.
More recently, for the last few months we only have sex once every couple of weeks or so and only after I mention it as a problem.

I believe that if before he struggled to find me attractive, he now sees right through me as I am 7 months pregnant and have put on weight ( I used to be size 6-8). A friend of his asked how I was on skype and his answer was "hormonal and shit and looks a bit like a whale" . My confidence is at an absolute zero and I don't know what to do.

He stopped telling me I was beautiful a couple of years ago and the passion in his eyes had died at the same time. He no longer touches me/treats me as a woman. I still tell him he is beautiful, because he really is.

The issue that I am facing is that even though I decided to let this whole swinging thing go, the fact that I didn't ask any questions and I wouldn't have gotten any answers anyway means I don't really know what happened and can only guess. This is causing me a lot of distress.
I remember things he did/said, start connecting dots, etc, I've became paranoid at times and stopped trusting him.
Though I have to say that I continue to love him and I think I love him even more, if that was possible.

He is now away on a stag weekend in Amsterdam and I have agreed to him going a while ago because I love him, I want him to have fun and enjoy himself. I didn't want him to resent me for stopping him going. However, deep down I hoped that maybe he will see how uncomfortable I am with the idea and he decides it will be best if he stayed home. At no point did he try to reassure me that nothing will happen and I had to bring it up the night he left. I was in tears and told him I was worried and scared and I didn't trust him. He promised that "he wouldn't go to whores" (his words) and left.

I know for a fact that the stag is planning to go to a brothel and I am in turmoil. I have called my dh last night and said that maybe it wasn't a good idea and would he come back? He said he would if I really wanted him to, but I am being unreasonable and that he wouldn't do anything wrong "especially that he promised me now" (?!). Obviously I got a bit annoyed with the wording he used and he said that I am childish to pick on things he says and find reasons to get upset, I should think outside the box and stop fucking everything up for him, that I am ruining his "experience" and so on. He would look like a dick now if he was to leave earlier and would be embarrassed that he's coming home because I've asked him to.

My question is: is he right? Am i unreasonable? I can no longer trust what's right or wrong in my head.

I am also scared of how our relationship progresses, I am expecting a baby and fear that I will be left on my own while he does whatever he wants to do as clearly he has no consideration for my feelings. And how will us work if I don't trust him? Does he still love me, what exactly is going on?

kind - was calling you 'hormonal and shit and looks a bit like a whale' the act of a kind man?

very balanced - is making plans to go to a brothel when you have an upset and pregnant wife at home the act of a balanced man?

smart - is leaving a computer trail of his actions the act of a smart man? (Unless he did so with such carelessness that it was clear that he couldn't subconsciously care a jot what you or others thought.)

I could go on.

There's an old quote from a famous woman called Maya Angelou. 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'.

He's shown you who he is and it's a rotten picture which isn't going to get any better. (And might conceivably get worse when the child arrives - always a pressure point in relationships.)

I'm sorry to have to say this but myself, I'd be thinking about winding things up, hard though it's going to be.

Op you have a very strange interpretation of 'kind'

I don't think he's very kind to you at all.

Why have you no friends?

Oh love.
My XH (note the joyous 'X'!) slept with prostitutes before during and after my pregnancy too.
You know what? When I found he'd searched for local escorts, I also got told he wanted a woman for us to share! Yeah, right...

Shit, isn't it?

You know there's no way he'd forgotten that swingers site log in - that's proof there was stuff there he didn't want you to see.

Thing is, don't most people only have 2-3 email addresses and 5 or so variations on usual passwords? I could take a flipping good guess at a log in for any site is joined in the last 5 years, and there's always password reset. He lied, no doubt.

Two things you have to get clear:

1. Do not ever ever ever say it's shameful to be "vanilla". That 50 Shades shite has a lot to answer for!

1. Don't you dare use the word paranoid. When your husband is on a swingers site, any suspicion you have is directly his fault, no paranoia.

He's a lying, cheating arsehole. End of.

You might not choose to leave him yet. But for gods sake don't believe his lies. You desperately need to work on your self esteem - why don't you have friends? Why do you still have this wanker on a pedestal?

And btw, my XH and his prostitutes? I am more than vanilla. That is not what makes men not give a shit about you and cheat. I also know for a fact that within 6 weeks of getting a new girlfriend, he was back with prostitutes, and has been cheating on her with them now for a year. It was nothing to do with me. It is the same for you - he is not a swingers site because of anything you did or didn't do. It's just because he can. And because he's an arsehole.

Good luck love.

Op, you sound very isolated with no one to talk to. Do you have any friends or relatives? Don't exhaust yourself - promise yourself you'll have a good think tomorrow, and either watch some crap on TV or have a bath.

Don't text him or anything. just ignore him, rest and think what you want - realistically- because he won't morph into the man you want him to be. it's not your job to fix him. You have a baby coming and frankly that is your priority, so keep calm, and get some rest. Accept there are changes coming and you're in shock. Once you admit that to yourself and start to think of solutions you can control it will get easier.

Believing his bullshit to avoid facing the reality of him isn't helping you, not long or short term.

lavender yes, I am like that. No one has any idea that he has made me cry...ever. From the outside we are a perfect couple with a perfect relationship. People comment on how we are made for each other and lucky to have found one another. I have isolated myself from everyone and have no one to talk to. I am extremely lonely and don't think I could share this with anyone in rl anyway.
I have posted a while ago on AIBU as my husband didn't answer his phone for a couple of hours one evening and to cut the story short I think tens of people told me IWBU to expect him to answer all the time, that I am clingy and need my head sorting out etc. What I am trying to say is that on that post I didn't mention me not trusting him and I didn't say anything about the fact that I can no longer trust him because I felt I would let my dh down by sharing this with other people.
It is only now that I got fed up with him playing with my head and calling me unreasonable that I decided to talk about our problem.

That's AIBU for you - and to be fair, without the background you've given here, I can understand why posters may have taken that stance.

It's not you by the way - it's him. He's an abusing shit. (And people will tell you, I don't use language like that lightly.)

You said you had a relative who came round - the one who went on to the computer. I know you have no friends IRL but are there any people at all you could turn to?

But can you see how you posted an extremely limited version of events on your previous AIBU, so people took it at face value and told you that you were BU? Had you explained the full story, I doubt anyone would have thought you were BU. If you purposely only share certain details, you will get a very different reaction. Were you trying to use AIBU to punish yourself for doubting him?

Don't beat yourself up. He's the one who's a turd. You deserve better.

Please don't be ashamed or embarrassed to talk on here, or feel disloyal or whatever you feel for talking about it.

There are (sadly! loads of us on here who are loud and proud about being treated on!

Hello, my name is Cabrinha and my XH slept with prostitutes and lied - and none of that is my shame.

OP I was a bit like you in living a lie. I couldn't see how to make people understand. Telling them seemed impossible because they wouldn't believe me because I'd put on such a great front for so many years.

I'd also left friendships because living a lie is exhausting and it's easier to stop seeing people to avoid having to lie, fake and pretend.

When I split up I confided in friends and relatives and yes there were rocky moments but a) some people had suspected but we're too polite and kind to say b) true friends were just there for me. Separating was fabulous. It really was like a massive weight, tension and shadow went from my life. I became me rather than a pretend woman.

Oh and I recognise the devotion and thinking you'd be together forever. Try and see if you can read this from the library book

It took me a long time to stop loving even though I recognised how flawed the relationship was. Just because you feel love doesn't mean a relationship cannot be harmful

You need to get a life of your own, it isn't healthy relying on one person for your happiness

In addition to the lying, possible cheating etc he also doesn't really be sharing in your pregnancy joy

You have different problems op.

Your problem is you have a lying, cheating, sexually incontinent dh who is rude and dismissive to his pregnant wife, whom is very isolated and unhappy. You also know now the man you love is not worth it. You also know you have fucked up by protecting him. Look, no one believes he is Mr perfect and you have the perfect relationship. You want that so you have woven a dream of it. Very normal, and personally I did it, which would have been fine if it wasn't so far away from the truth ( bows to AF who saw straight through and if I had taken AF advice I would have gone at least 2 years before I finally told someone in rl)

No one is going to think badly of you, much the opposite. they will just think he pulled the wool over your eyes. Stop protecting him. Think of yourself and your child. You will feel like shit lying to a child " daddy is working late" when you know full well he is out shagging around.

If you feel angry enough photocopy all his financials, and see your doctor. Tell him you can't tell anyone your stuff and need a counsellor. You can talk and talk and they will help you. Posting on here works just as well:)

His problem is you know all the above. He will either try to blame you ( he's doing it now), he may threaten to leave ( best case scenario) or pretend it's all in your head, and a myriad of crap he thinks you might swallow to make it go away. I should think even Mr ego himself is thinking of a strategy to fuck you over. Ignore the twat and see a lawyer. And a mw. Avoid stress. See? The fucker is even screwing with his unborn child.

Where's your family and friends? Can you think of anyone that might be a good person to fess up to? What about the relative who already knows your dh is a swinger? I can tell you now they have a very good idea about your life and how you feel. If you push people away they can't help.

You don't have to be alone. I don't mean talking to your dh- he's only out for himself by the sound of it.

OP why have you isolated yourself, why do you have no friends? That is the most worrying part for me. I think if you had other relationships and support, it might help you find the self esteem and strength to realise you would be much happier without this man, and to leave him.
Sorry to be blunt, but I think you've become too dependent on him and you're letting him treat you like shit. It sounds like you've been denial about it for a long time.
Do you have any close family, or old friends you could reconnect with? I really think you need to spend some time with other people, not to talk about what's happening with him if you're not ready to, but just to enjoy some other company and remind yourself how you deserve to be treated.

You love a mirage - the man you've put on a pedestal and built into something he clearly is not - in fact he's the opposite-

he's unkind - being very rude about you and disloyal just because you are pg

he's unbalanced - preferring to shag random strangers in a seedy and disgusting 'swingers' group, euuuugh

He's NOT smart - he has jeopardized a loving marriage and fatherhood for the sake of satisfying some yucky sexual desire

he is not strong - because if he was he would be honest with you and end your torturous relationship.

You have a choice now. You can drag this out over a painful few years, even decades. Or you can save yourself and your unborn child a lot of pain and heartache and get out asap.

I think regardless of any of the above, a man who has friends who think going to a brothel is an acceptable way to spend a stag night is pretty disgusting.

That alone would give me SERIOUS pause about my partner.

The passwords thing regarding the swingers site is very, very, very obviously a lie.

Any chance of getting into his computer whilst he's away btw? I'm a snooper, so that particular bit of advice may not be a good 'un.

I'm really sorry but this relationship is not going anywhere good. He's already told you he doesn't fancy you (as an excuse for looking for another woman) so why are you actually still with him?

lavender gives good advice, OP

listen to her

I couldn't help myself and I have called him. Told him I know he's been lying, cheating, etc. Asked him to come home. He told me, fine, buy me a ticket right away and I'll come.
If he really wanted to come, felt it was the right thing to do he would have bought the ticket himself. He chose however to stay (again) and have fun with the lads. Texted me a few times already keeping me up do date with his whereabouts.
I have asked him if he was/has been in the red light district already and he said no. I wanted to test whether he will tell the truth because one of the guys in the group has posted a photo from the rld and checked himself in there so clearly he had lied to me again.
I've told him I knew he was lying and why is he doing it. He kept saying no and then he said "fine, you're right" in a whatever sort of way and that was it.

I find all this so undignifying and it hurts so much. He has also called me paranoid...again

I will leave before he returns. I know now he doesn't love and I can't make him to.

I have no idea what I will do and how I will cope. It is going to be tough.
I used to be strong. A very long time ago.

blue It will be silly of me to even try to snoop. He's a wiz when it comes to this and knows exactly what to do to cover his tracks.
Because he's so good at what he does I've always relied on him with the technical stuff so I am really bad at working things out on my own. I did think of hiring someone to look into it while he's away but didn't who/ where from I could trust with such a task. Plus the embarrassment of actually admitting to a stranger that I am snooping on my partner brr

There is one thing that doesn't make sense to me. For the past year or so he has barely been away from me. And apart from being at work, and once or twice a week at the pub (there have been a few good weeks when he didn't go out at all)with the guys from work we have not been separated. When could he have been seeing anyone else?

I know that before finding out about him he used to go out jogging in the evening a lot. For about 3 hours at a time, twice a week at least.
But then he stopped.

Well, I'll probably never know. It's besides the point now, really.

There are moments when I doubt myself. I now feel guilty that I have ruined his trip. I know I am right to be mad but I still feel guilty. Maybe he doesn't feel like he has been living his life in a way that has made him happy.

I love him and he has been all I have ever wanted all this time so I've been happy with what I had. But maybe I've suffocated him and he didn't have as much fun as other people have had. We've been together since he was 20. He probably wants to experience other things and I shouldn't stop him.
But that means he doesn't love me so why stay together.

I probably am needy and "too much" at times. I must have exhausted him, that's why he wants something else. It is sad because I meant exactly the opposite.
He has stuck with me through years of depression and anxiety, he's been there for me through it all.

He deserves something else. And so do I.

Cabrinha I know he has lied about the passwords, the accounts, the why he has joined that website, etc. I know. He denies everything and blocks any attempt I make to bring things out to light. He must think I am really stupid but I can't for the life of me get past the "I don't know, I don't remember, I'm telling the truth" attitude. And what do I say to that?

I am exhausted, I wish I could get some sleep.

Hi lovely. I'm a few days ahead of you - I found evidence of my cheating scumbag of a husband at the weekend. I'm also wide awake.

Please please retreat to someone who you know loves you. I am at my parents and the unconditional love and support is just what I need.

And please get clever before you leave the house. Someone here might be able to help you with the snooping you need to do. And gather your paperwork together - while you have the house to yourself you can go through files. Take copies of EVERYTHING. Someone sent me a list of stuff a lawyer would need at a first appointment.

And finally and if you can get as much money into your account from joint money as you can/need.

You are a mother. That child of yours needs your protection. Please find your inner lioness. It is useful.

Nobody jogs for 3 hours. Where or who was he jogging to?

And oh my goodness how fucking dare he make you feel bad about your very righteous reactions to his behaviour. Start seeing him for who he is. And he is not your friend.

Jogging for 3 hours? You can run a marathon in that time. I highly doubt it.

Oh honey.

He's an asshole. You love him, I know. But he is an asshole. And he does not love you as much as he loves his desire to do whatever the fuck he wants. I'm sorry.

its not you being paranoid. It really isnt.

cozey that saying is one my mum taught us at an early age. I disregarded it through young adulthood and stayed in a shit relationship for far too long. Now I'm older and have dcs of my own, I'll be drumming it into them.

OP, this is awful. I have to agree he is a total wanker. And as for him having more money than you etc meaning he must want to be with you. To some men (wankers), having a wife who they can control, shit on and humiliate is worth more than all the money in the world.