NC mother apologises 4 years after calling DH a paedophile

[Esko]

I am in my 40s with two teenage daughters. My mother is in her 70s. She has always had a nasty streak but after I had my first child 18 years ago she gradually became more and more abusive; making all sorts of cruel comments to me. This culminated in her accusing my husband of an inappropriate sexual relationship with our then 14 year old daughter.

I went no contact with her after that. She lives at the other end of the country. My sister who lives overseas and visits approximately once a year says she is quite ill, her husband has cancer etc and she really missed us all. She also suffers from depression. My sister suggested about a year ago that she rang me to apologise.

Yesterday I received a card with a short message saying she loved us all and was sorry for what she said about DH. My DH thinks I should get back in contact with her as I will regret it if when she dies. I don't want to as I don't want to open the door to more abuse as she cannot keep a civil tongue in her head. I think she may well have a mental illness possibly a personality disorder. My children seem indifferent to seeing her and her husband again, although they were very close before the split.

Am I being nasty by not seeing her or should I take DH's advice to see her again? Do NC contact children have regrets when their parent dies about not seeing them?

You have absolutely every right not to see her again.

You and only you can say how you will feel if you don't and she dies. If that is not a problem for you then stick to your guns.

Just because she is ill will not make her a magically nice person.

One card does not a reformed character make.

Thanks Magoria, I needed someone to say that!

Thanks Casimir, good point.

Take DHs advise in so much as you reconsider carefully.

That's not to say you get back in contact, but I think it'll do you the world of good to come to a fresh decision on this in light of her increased age, frailty and the apology.

You'll tgen either be confident you've still made the right decision and have satisfied you and him of that, or not.

He knows you best, wants what's best for you, but doesn't know you better than you know yourself, nor exactly how you feel.

Either way, there's no rush so take your time to deliberate after its all had a chance to sink in.

Nobody, not your DH nor anyone on MN can tell you what's right, you need to take time and work that one out for yourself

You went and remain no contact with your mother for very good reason. Has your DH somehow forgotten what she without foundation accused him of?. He likely comes from an emotionally functioning family and probably holds such an opinion because of that.

Your mother perhaps only did this as well because of your sister's intervening.

People who are emotionally healthy do not act in the ways your mother has done. You do not have to see her again if you have no wish to and you can remain no contact. I note too that your children are indifferent to her as well. Toxic people like your mother never change.

Your feelings on your mother when she dies are yours and your feelings are perfectly valid. Your DH should not dictate to you in such a manner.

I think that ultimately you will need to grieve, not for her as such, but for the relationship you should have had with her but did not through no fault of your own.

You had a really good reason to cut contact with her. I wouldn't put myself back in touch with such a vile person and I don't think you could be blamed for not doing so.

Your husband has forgiven her for saying he had sex with his daughter?

She is vile, but I would forgive her - not for her sake, but for yours,

I would not visit her - I would send a card.

It's rare but people do sometimes change. Perhaps see her on your own first to sound her out?

I'm in your husband's camp on this bcs the note sounds sincere - most people like this would never in a million years write a note like that.

Yes it's a risk but be merciful, it's pitiful what she has come to. Yy she may have deserved it but give her ONE more chance?

So she apologised, good, she should.

Does that mean that she isnt a toxic, abusive, mean and spiteful person who could have landed your innocent DH with a police investigation if her lies had been heard by the wrong person?

Springy She accused her son in law of sexually abusing/raping his own daughter. You dont get ANY chances after shit like that, you just dont.

And if she's mentally ill, was mentally ill when she said it?

I'm not being 2D about this. As serf says, people like this simply don't apologise or take responsibility for what they've done. She has. I'm not suggesting the relationship would, or could, take up where it left off.

She has had many years to taste the severe consequences of what she's done. I could even suggest it takes a level of humanity to actually be depressed?

Does it matter if she is/was mentally ill?

Not being provocative but the fact is that an accusation like that ruins lives, it tears families apart, its happened!

Whether she is mentally or not, the damage she could wreak on the OPs family cannot and should not be underestimated. The OP instinct is to protect her family from a malign influence, and her instinct is correct.

And I take issue with people like this simply don't apologise or take responsibility for what they've done. She has

Toxic people often do apologise if they think that thats what will draw their chosen victim back in. All the OP knows is that she has said it, she doesnt know if she means it. Words are easy, actions are another matter altogether and I dont think the OP should risk it again, I certainly wouldnt. A person who could make such horrific accusations is too dangerous to be allowed contact.

Whether she is mentally ill or not..

I think your husband is remarkable. Your DM is unlikely to have changed overnight but she may have started to reflect on her behaviour at her stage of life. It's not unheard of. You won't know until you venture there. I think you should consider corresponding with her in the first instance to see how you feel and how she responds. Then make a decision about seeing her. It's easy for others to advise you against it but they're not the ones who risk feeling deeply regretful about ignoring her apology when she's no longer here.

I agree bogey. Yes yes and yes. But sometimes ppl do change. Yes, it's very rare. I would give it one more chance, just me, not the family, to see if the behaviour lines up.

Ppl are keen to point out on here that we wouldn't take certain behaviour from someone on the street, family are no different. And that is a valuable benchmark when it comes to what we will or wont accept in all relationships - but it is not entirely apt in the long run when it comes to close family members. Ie we shouldn't accept behaviour that is unacceptable but it's not necessarily appropriate to knock the relationship on the head for ever .

She has written that letter ie her actions are/could be lining up. Yy she could be being as manipulative as ever - but then again there could be a fundamental change. I'd want to check that out.

I am nc with large chunks of my family for similarly heinous things. Pigs will fly before I receive a letter apologising - but if it did i'd want to check it out.

I wouldn't be going in all hopeful, either. They'd have a lot of ground to make up, at least.

I'm nc with my family, if an apology was recieved, I'd want to check it out.

An apology could be a means of manipulation but it could also be a genuine apology

If you don't want to meet her, don't do it. Above all trust your instinct without the fear, obligation and guilt.

I had regrets when my mother died. I was NOT nc with her, she and I got on pretty well. Indeed, she lived with us and died upstairs in her own bed with me, dh and dd there beside her.

You will probably have regrets of one sort or another no matter what you do. I think people just do.

I think you need to think this over carefully, weigh up the situation in light of the apology and then decide what YOU want to do here and then do that. The apology might make a difference or it might not.

As jux says there are always regrets.

If you do decide to get in touch with her again in your shoes I'd make sure it was only me in touch. What she said about your husband was so exceptionally nasty I don't think she could be trusted with him or your children.

I think it is relevant whether she was mentally ill when she said this and also the severity of any mental illness.
If someone is acting under a real delusion it does make a difference.
It was a horrible thing to say and could have had terrible consequences. In the case of severe mental illness it is very difficult to know how far to hod someone responsible.
It is unusual for someone with NPD etc to make a straightforward apology. I am not sure what I would do to be honest.

How much of this apparent remorse do you think is triggered by the possibility of her facing life without her husband/alone/Ill?

I hate to be so cynical but what struck me is the timing. You, as a normal person, would think that life events make you reevaluate your life and want to right wrongs. But someone as toxic as your mother may well be weighing up who is going to look after her if her husband dies or needs a lot of care

Your husband sounds like a very wonderful man. Be very careful how you do this. If you open up contact again, make sure it's within very defined boundaries.

You don't want to, you don't have to.

That's the bottom line.

Don't get persuaded by anyone UNLESS you're ready to regain contact.

I would check by yourself with no family involved at first to see what's what. Sometimes elderly people have dementia and it goes undiagnosed and they say buzzard things. The year before my Dad died he changed as a person, reflected and genuinely was a joy to be around. A couple of years before thar he was a nightmare and at times I despised him.. looking back I recognise all the aggression as early dementia. I'm not saying what your mum did was that, but elderly people do lose it a bit at times and become bizzare and delusional.

Been thinking about this.
A lot depends on your overall relationship and whether it was overwhelmingly negative.

I think what I would do is acknowledge her apology by post and say that what she said about your husband was unacceptable and could have caused terrible trouble.
I would see if she stands by an unqualified apology or starts trying to make excuses.
I think that there is a possibility that she is afraid of being lonely and ill and is looking to rebuild the relationship to have your help later so I would have my boundaries right up and withdraw at any sign they were being breached-but I think I would give her a chance.

However if there was never anything positive in your relationship don't feel guilted into doing anything you don't want to.