NC mother apologises 4 years after calling DH a paedophile

[Esko]

I am in my 40s with two teenage daughters. My mother is in her 70s. She has always had a nasty streak but after I had my first child 18 years ago she gradually became more and more abusive; making all sorts of cruel comments to me. This culminated in her accusing my husband of an inappropriate sexual relationship with our then 14 year old daughter.

I went no contact with her after that. She lives at the other end of the country. My sister who lives overseas and visits approximately once a year says she is quite ill, her husband has cancer etc and she really missed us all. She also suffers from depression. My sister suggested about a year ago that she rang me to apologise.

Yesterday I received a card with a short message saying she loved us all and was sorry for what she said about DH. My DH thinks I should get back in contact with her as I will regret it if when she dies. I don't want to as I don't want to open the door to more abuse as she cannot keep a civil tongue in her head. I think she may well have a mental illness possibly a personality disorder. My children seem indifferent to seeing her and her husband again, although they were very close before the split.

Am I being nasty by not seeing her or should I take DH's advice to see her again? Do NC contact children have regrets when their parent dies about not seeing them?

Or losing one's children is agony, regardless if timing.

Just saying.

As I said, there are always regrets, no matter what. Always something more you could have done always something you could have done differently, or better.

I think you need to look at the possible consequences of getting back in touch with and of not getting back in touch with her. What possible consequences there are for you, for your dh, for your children.

I think the timing of her message is significant, yes, as Skiptonlass said. Has your sister been encouraging her to do that as she herself is looking at possibly being the only one left to keep an eye on her if ..........?

The key is in the apology, try to put yourself in her shoes as an ill elderly lady. Wouldn't you wish to be forgiven by your child for offending them especially if you felt you may not have too much longer on this earth?
I think you will do yourself the world of good by accepting your mother's apology and resuming contact. Taking it further, looking after her in her current illness would be even better. The fact that she may possibly have a mental illness means she is possibly less responsible (currently) than she has been in the past so if she were to say something you would hopefully be able to forgive it.

czechout do you actually have any experience of having family like this?

Yes Goodtobetter I do and more than one close family member at that.

People like your mother, who is like mine will never change.
Mine is also very ill but you have to follow your gut.

I have recently (well about 7/8 months ago) got back in contact with my family after 6 years of NC. My mother was bloody vile when I was growing up and, from the age of 10 yrs old, I was in/out of care. My mother was EA, PA, MA and just an all round bag of shit as a parent. I went NC as, after 27 years, I realised that nothing I did would EVER be good enough. I was also SA by her exh, as was my dsis, but she gave me no support whilst lavishing love and support on my dsis. That ripped me apart (I was only 8 when we told her).

Then, about 10 months ago, I watched wait for it Jeremy Kyle and saw a story from an absolutely inspirational man whose mother was so abusive he ended up on ITU after a particularly bad beating when he was only 18 months old. He was put in care rightly so and he'd had NC for about 20 years. What he said was just amazing and made me think about my own situation....I had a 2 year old that neither parent had met, he would ask questions, and wondered if people can change.

I decided, after much soul searching (I always said I wasn't bitter but I realise now I was VERY bitter) and talks with OH, that I would see how it goes.

I can't believe how much she has changed. I am still incredibly guarded around her but I feel the guards lowering a tiny bit every time I talk to her. She was an atrocious parent but is a very good grandparent, my ds loves her. She appears to have chilled with age and has lots more patience. It also helps that we live over 100 miles away from her, as I feel the distance has helped keep space between us (I can imagine she would probably have been a bit over-bearing had we still lived close by). We see her on my terms, when it suits us.

I'm not saying that it's going to be the same for you but, maybe, give it some thought? My mother has said/done some dreadful things to me in my past but I feel so much better to have forgiven that and started afresh. I have even told her that I don't want to talk about what's happened (one of my reasons for NC was her refusal to acknowledge everything that had happened, to the point of calling me a liar and denying it) as it will rake up past feelings and I want to move forward.

I hope you find what's right for, only you can decide that

I think in your position I would consider maybe acknowledging the card, but would proceed very carefully past that point. very carefully indeed. I suppose it depend on how it was worded and how sincere you think it might be and what motivated it.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your own experiences. I rang her. Of course she was apologetic. She said she and her husband considered my DH like an adopted son (!) etc. Load of crap actually.

She said her DH had had prostrate removed but doesn't sound like he is on his deathbed. She has a chronic illness but generally she is reasonably fit.

She said she would be happy with talking to me on the phone from time to time or visiting London occasionally but could just meet me alone - not come to my place or see kids/DH. I left it there.

She said she would ring me at some point. I don't trust her and feel I could be opening the door to more abuse, so very wary but I feel that I am in control rather than her at the moment.

That sounds positive: the fact that you feel in control, the fact that she was apologetic, and the fact that she is not assuming/demanding that things go back to the way they were before. (What we hear about most on this board is dysfunctional family members who minimise their own behaviour, deflect blame, pretend nothing has happened, and don't let posters set their own limits. It sounds like your mother is not doing any of this.)

Keep choosing the level of contact that you are comfortable with, and only move at the speed that you want.

All the best.