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Original poster

Who should pay for Hotel?

57 replies

TommyandGina · 24/04/2015 12:19

Ex P stays with his girlfriend frequently at the weekends. She lives 125 miles away. He wants me to take ds there for the weekend and pay for my own hotel so he can take ds out for the day, and I can have him back in the evening.

I'm not sure I want to pay for 250 miles worth of fuel and a hotel, when I said this to him he got all defensive and made out as though I couldn't be bothered to make any effort. I have always tried to keep things civil between us, always make him a meal if he comes over and am still sociable with his parents. The weekend before this I have to attend his mothers birthday party (another 250 mile round trip and hotel bill)

I don't think I'm being unfair but would like your opinions please. Apologies for any typos, am trying to do this on phone.

Ithink his words were

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 24/04/2015 13:33

You should t even be doing the journey let alone pay for the hotel. If anything he should be paying for your time plus the petrol and hotel and spending money for you.

Bakeoffcake · 24/04/2015 13:38

Just put on your big girl pants and say "No, what you are suggestions is ludicrous. I will not be facilitating it" END OF CONVERSATION.

sooperdooper · 24/04/2015 13:46

The whole suggestion is bonkers! Why should you even make the journey, even if he is paying for the hotel?? Tell him to bog off, it's a stupid suggestion all round!

If he wants to visit his new girlfriend he either takes dc for the whole weekend or she comes to him - you shouldn't have to get involved and sit in a hotel room waiting around all day for them!

Nonsense, say no to all of it

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/04/2015 13:49

He seems to be wanting a lot of things. But few of us get what we want and even fewer of us get what we deserve.

If he wants to see his son over the weekend then he's the one to make any necessary arrangements, not you.

If you're not careful this could be the thin end of the wedge. Even if he did propose to pay for your expenses to facilitate this visit.

If he can't sacrifice one weekend for the sake of the relationship with his son he needs to be told to fuck right off. Actually, just tell him to fuck right off anyway, out of principle.

GoatsDoRoam · 24/04/2015 13:51

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha. No."

And do stop cooking him dinner when he comes to yours! It's the same thing, he's taking advantage, and you're falling for it. You are not his cook, any more than you are the chauffeur for his DC when he wants to have his assignations with his gf on a contact weekend.

HazleNutt · 24/04/2015 13:54

Considering that he would be returning DS to sleep in that hotel for the night, he actually wants you to pay for DS's hotel. During his contact time. How ridiculous is that?

Love51 · 24/04/2015 14:07

Just no. Your responsibility is to make the child available (with any medical / personal care aids he might need). You say the new girlfriend lived 125 miles away, it seems that his dad is local? Not your responsibility to drive ds to essentially a holiday with his dad. Not even if you have a motability vehicle for him.

diddl · 24/04/2015 14:07

Why doesn't he just take his own son with him to visit his GF?

Or she visit him??

And btw, you don't have to go to his mother's bday party.

Presumably you were invited, in which case you can decline.

Original poster
TommyandGina · 24/04/2015 14:30

You are all right. I know I do too much for him, I think that's because I grew up with a father who couldn't be bothered and am making sure that I do everything possible to keep that from happening to ds.

I think his last words were 'just forget it' so I will, unless he mentions it again. The reasoning behind him wanting me to take ds there was that there is something going on that weekend which he wanted to take ds to, but as you've all said I don't need to be running around wasting time driving around the country.

In answer to why the relationship ended I think its because I didn't do as he expected me to, and I refused to tolerate his lies and lap-dancers!

His home is not wheelchair friendly, although he could manage ds there if be bought a sofa bed. In the 3 years we've been separated he's never had him overnight apart from the very occasional weekend with his parents.

Maybe it is time I made more formal arrangements with him, at the moment its just him 'popping' over when he can... which leaves ds quite upset usually.

Ok, I'm off to find my big girl pants! oh, and go on the school run, I may be gone for some time.

OP posts:
Eminado · 24/04/2015 14:37

Never in all my life have I heard such an unreasonably brass-necked and ridiculous request!

I actually have to hand it to your Ex for the sheer balls to think that this is remotely your problem / anything to do with you / in any way, shape or form likely to happen outside of his dreams!

I think the other posters above have already summarised how to respond but honestly I hand it to him for even asking you this.

Good luck to the new gf with this kind of man on her hands!

TeaForTara · 24/04/2015 14:54

at the moment its just him 'popping' over when he can... which leaves ds quite upset usually

And that, in a nutshell, is why you have to change things. If your ex won't step up and do his bit then that's a shame, but it doesn't sound as if the present system is doing your son a whole lot of good anyway.

If you haven't formalised contact / care, have you at least formalised maintenance? You seem to be doing all the work; I hope you're not paying for everything as well. Your bar seems to be set really low regarding what you expect to pay for; I think it's time for you to raise it somewhat!

Good luck, OP.

diddl · 24/04/2015 15:02

So he wants to take his son somewhere for a day(?) with not effort to him?

Is there a reason that he can't drive his own son there & either stay at the GFs or hotel with him?

Sounds as if formal arrangements are they way to go.

binspin · 24/04/2015 15:06

Surely it's about time his house was suitable for his child to visit.

He's treating you as child care. He'll parade his son in front of his new gf and then put his away/ give him to you when it's his time.

cestlavielife · 24/04/2015 15:26

...there is something going on that weekend which he wanted to take ds to..

he wanted to. so he has to arrange.
does it depend on a motability vehicle which only you drive ? or ?

stop cooking for him, really. he has new gf to do that..

set specific days for contact so you and ds know which and when.

if he cant keep to that then make it a very ad hoc surprise....

Lweji · 24/04/2015 15:37

I have made quite strict arrangements with exH regarding contact and it has paid out.

Set up his days and make them his full responsibility.

MmeMorrible · 24/04/2015 16:28

So he wants you to drive a 250 mile round trip, pay out for a hotel & sit twiddling your thumbs until he drops DS back to you for the evening/night because he can't/won't step up and learn to care for his own son!!!

I'm amazed he had the nerve to ask you to do this - was he not embarrassed by his own audacity??

And he's lived apart from you both for 3 years but hasn't sorted out appropriate sleeping arrangement for DS so hasn't ever had him overnight?

He's a disgrace, I think you need to take a much tougher line with him in future.

FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 16:42

But he can't be bothered, can he?

He expects you to do everything. That's not being bothered.

FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 16:43

He has a son who uses a wheelchair.

He could make his home wheelchair friendly if that was a priority for him.

It not being so is an excuse, not a reason.

Only1scoop · 24/04/2015 16:47

There is no way I'd be doing any of that Op and let's face it ....if he wanted ds for the day he would be pulling all the stops out ....not expecting you to dance round in circles.

43percentburnt · 24/04/2015 17:40

The fact his child is in a wheel chair and he hasn't bothered to find a wheel chair friendly home so he can stay over tells you so much about your ex.

His cries of 'you can't be bothered' is him projecting. Because he's a lazy, egocentric arse.

coppertop · 24/04/2015 17:48

I'm sure your ex would be absolutely delighted to drive 250 miles, pay for the fuel and a hotel and look after ds in a hotel room, purely so that you could go and spend a weekend with your new boyfriend?

No? I'm shocked!

Next he'll be wanting you to nip into his hotel room to wipe his arse for him.

Original poster
TommyandGina · 24/04/2015 20:30

Mmm, seems to me you've all got the measure of him!

My car is a motabilty car which exP uses as it is really ds's car and he can't travel in a normal vehicle.

My new partner of nearly a year is loving all your responses, thanks all.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 24/04/2015 20:34

oh go on, ask your ex to drive 250 miles and sit in the hotel so you can go out with your new partner. Then accuse him of not making any effort.

Original poster
TommyandGina · 24/04/2015 20:43

Ha hazelnut, are you trying to get me in trouble! He can be helpful when it suits him, that's rare though

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/04/2015 20:48

Right do ex can take car and ds and book accessible hotel room. You really not required. It s for him to organize.

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