This is really hard to admit but I'm scared and my DH hasn't got a clue about anything....

[LadyTophamHatt]

I'm scared of living so far away from family when PG(especially my family, the ones that really matter to me)
I'm scared of going in to labour on my own with just the kids here.
I'm scared of having another fast delivery and having to delivery the baby myself.
I'm scared that choosing to have another homebirth has alienated me from the whole antenatal care group thing IYSWIM.
I'm scared of having 4 children.

And finally, I'm forcing myelf to type this I'm scared I won't cope with any of it.

I know most of them can be solved but they still scare me.

I have told Dh this. Well screamed it him thsi morning during another arguement. His reply was something like "You've been saying having another one will hardly make any differnece for months so why the change of mind?"
Well, at 7 months PG, with the birth around the corner it's getting harder and harder to convince myslef of that.

He really has no idea how or what I'm feeling whereas I can read him like a book. That scares me too because I knwo when the time comes and if I'm not coping he'll be obvlivious and I just won't say anything.
This PG has totally fucked up my head.

BTW Dh is out with the boys ATM, I might disappear when he gets back because MN is the root of all evil according to him and the reason our house is a pigsty. Forget the fact that I've stripped the bed, turned the friggin mattress, done 2 loads of washing, put the washing away, dusted everywhere, washed up about 5 times today already and been awake since 5am...that doesn't matter. I spend to much time on here.

Dont justify MN to your DH, this is your outlet, your friends are on here and a big source of help to you

Where else could you pee yourself laughing and cry buckets in one day?

I dont know what to say about the rest Im sorry, I really wish I could help practically but I live in the Sunny Swansea which is no good to you

Someone with more sense will be along soon

LTH, you need some contingency imo. Do you know anyone locally? Could you find a doula so there's definitely going to be someone there when you go into labour? Could your mum/sister/a friend come and stay for a bit around your due date? You can still go to some groups even if you're havng a homebirth, is there a hb group near you?

I have no experience of 4 I'm afraid but it's understandable if you're a bit anxious. I do think you'll be fine though, do you remember that thing about four children and how the last one just gets on with it? I'll see if I can find it.

And no-one's DH likes mumsnet!

Message withdrawn

LTH

Agree with welshboris - MN is a lifeline and a community of fabulous friends. You sound overwhelmed by everything at the moment - I remember having anxieties before the birth of DS2. I'm sure that you will get amazing support here. Is there anyone in RL (apart from DH) that you could get support from? Any other Mumsnetters nearby? I'm sorry I don't know where in the country you are - I'm in Berkshire if that's any help.

anyway!
mj

LTH, I think it's fair to say you're scared, right? FWIW, you show me a 7 month pg woman who isn't scared and I'll run down the high street nekkid.

Do not give up MN for a start, Welshy is so right there. Do you have any close friends nearby? Any MNers you know off board who can be there quickly should you go into labour? As far as the homebirth is concerned (currently planning one myself), just think of the positives (your own clean toilet and shower, get into bed afterwards, your own yummy food, no interruptions, no noise of strangers, you choose the temperature, the people etc.)

You know what you will cope and you will love this little person so much. Four is a lovely number. It's healthy to be a little bit scared, it means you're thinking seriously about what you're doing, but it's not healthy to bottle it up which I suspect you have been- only makes it worse.

Anyway I'm prattling on, I think somebody much wiser is on the way with some better answers...

oh ((hugs))

If you go into labour, an ambulance should be there in a few minutes if your alone... Have you neighbours you can befriend before your due?

4 Children, im very A few MNers have 4 or more, have you chatted with them? Imagine a tiny, adorable, sweet smelling baby in your arms! Every worry will fade... and you'll be quite a pro now!

If you feel alienated from antenatal group, can you arrange to meet any outside of the meetings? I didnt stay in contact with any of my ante natal people, it was just them 6 meetings.

Maybe can you get your DH to have his own name and come on MN himself? Maybe he has fears etc aswell? If the house is a pigsty, in his opinion, hand him the hoover seriously, you should be resting. No one ever died from an untidy home... And its probably nothing comparted to mine! And im not PG.

((hugs))

Can you have a sit down and talk with your DH? Or show him this thread? Leave it on the page, and say "go look at the computer"?

I've siad that MN is my sanity saver to him 100 times WB but .....well thats not good enough for him.

He really has no idea that being 7 months PG is hard work. Obvoisly he can't know personally (being a man and all that) but after 3 kids already I thought he might understand that it bloody hard work.

I just don't know what to do.

Give custy his phone number

LTH, I am only on the 2nd but feel very much the same. I want to wish my pg away as I am stuck in with spd, but don't want to cos' I know the hard work that is going to come with a new one. It's not the same as the first when you can devote ALL of your time to being pg and sort of enjoying the whole thing. I am wondering if I have made a dreadful mistake having this baby and all sorts of nonsense. I am having nightmares as well.

Just want you to know that you are not alone in this. It's really awful to feel like it. I hope we both laugh at this when our new ones are here. Sending hugs

Oh and I am not going to get any ante natal classes either, my sole speaking to other pg women is on here at the moment. They don't offer them for the 2nd one here. I didn't go the first time, so I am feeling like I have missed out on the whole caboodle too.

Cod started a thread for me the other day, which I think made me realsie I have to admit to all this.

I know I'll be ok when the baby is born because I'll make myself be ok.
I'll make myself be ok because it would kill me to ask for help.
I never ask anyone for help, its like admitting defeat in my eyes. Being failure.

We've lived here since January so I haven't got a huge circle of frineds. Another mum at school as said to call her if I need too when it all happens but she has 3 Ds's herslef (one being a baby) so I can't expect her to drop everything and come running. I wouldn't expect her too either...

When I have spoken to DH about this 9as oppesed to screaming at him liketoday) he just nods and umms and arrrs. There never any supportive words or sympathy.
"Blimey...yeah...I could be in london when it all happens....the conductor has amobile so they should be able to get hold of me" has been the most help thing he's said about the whole thing so far.

UCM, there aren;t any ante natal groups here either. Just a random drop in centre thing.

I don't rationally think the homebirth has made that factor any worse but in my messed up PG head
it has.

You are not a failure

Aw, LTH - hey, take up your friend on her offer. If she is like me, she won't have offered unless she meant it. As you know, I've got 3 small boys adn I'm always bending over backwards to help people out - it honestly doesn't bother me, I like helping!!

Don't worry about when the baby arrives, you'll be fine, you know you will! You've got 3 boys already, you know exactly what you are doing!

I don't know what to suggest about getting more support from dh though - it's a tough one - they just don't get it do they? I remember once when pg with ds2 (I think) just stomping out of the house and driving off - I didn't come back for ages - I went to my brother's. I needed to do something impactful because words, even if shouted or screamed at him, just didn't go in!

Or maybe, just saying 'look, I need to talk to you seriously, I am SCARED, I need you to support me and talk through the problems I can see' - perhaps he thinks you say these things in a moment of stress, simply because it all comes out in a row?

Big hug to you though - it's so hard.

xxx

No, I know WB...but asking for help would be like failing for me.

Sorry your feeling like this LTH.

I sort of know where your coming from but in my case it was on my 2nd pregnancy. I felt alone, scared & always wondered how i would cope, it's natural to be feeling this way.

When my dd was born she just fitted in though & i would not chnage it for the world, in fact i want one more

About the ante-natal groups i never went to them 1st time round or 2nd time round & i don't know many people where we live either, it was hard & there were times when i started to feel alone, could you start going to mother & toddler groups?

How far are your family from you? is it possible for someone to come & stay or travel down?

Same as me when I started taking ADs, but swallowing my pride was the best thing I did

No-one can do it all on their own, especially with as many rugrats as youve got!

OK, you will be fine because deep down you know full well your a bloody fantastic mum and one more child will just blend in with all the other noise lol

the practicle aspect is something that everyone worries about. if your freind has offered her number for when the time comes then she means it. if she has 3 of her own she probably had the same fears...i only have two and i know exactly how you feel.

I really do tink that most of what your feeling is pretty normal nerves prior to having a baby, admitedly your DH is being a pain in the bum but thats just men for you.

and hey, if you have to deliver your own baby...How amazing would that be.

FM, I have visions of having to stand over mirror to get the cord from around his neck!!!

That doesn't sound too amazing ATM I have to say.

LTH I have 4. Like you I didn't have any family near me and a dh who worked long hours and could be far away. I also didn't go to antenatal classes with my 4th.

I probably can't reduce your fear - you will cope and your fear will evaporate once the baby is born. I'm sure you know this, but it doesn't help at the moment.

Have you thought of getting a doula to help you? Perhaps a post-natal doula? I wish I had got one with my last child. Family can get there within a few hours, but if they do help (and mine didn't!), it will be with the other children. A post-natal doula can help you and the baby.

Most people I know went into labour when their dps were around. Most in fact went into labour at night (I did for all of mine , or the weekend). ~Very few have such speedy labours that they give birth alone. I had a very fast 2nd labour, but the next 2 weren't quicker - in fact they were alot longer.

Can you go to a one day refresher course for labour/birth? This might refresh your memory and calm your fears and you might meet some more people in your position - not on their first baby. (I don't mean to offend those on their first baby, but you would be very irritated if you went to a class full of first time mothers - or perhaps this is just me ). I know my NCT teacher did run one-off refresher courses for second time mothers.

I did a one day course with my 4th and made my dh come too. He sounded like yours - very blase about the whole thing, and the course definitely focused his mind on what was coming and made him more supportive of me.

I know what you mean about asking for help. I am the same, and I have ended up in a real mess in the past because of my stupid pride and thinking that asking for help means that I am a failure. Cos it doersn't.

the friend that said she'd help you, i bet she means it. i've just said the same to a friend of mine who is having her third in Jan. Her DH is a bit useless too!! I've said that she can call me if she needs childcare or a hand to hold. And I said it because I mean it. i don't think poepe offer if they don't mean it.
Could you get tpo know her a bit more?

And you will cope because you've obviously doen it before. And if you go into labour v quickly, call an ambulance or another mum from school or a neighbour,it's only for a while.

I saw Cod;s thread and she's right, you need some help with practical things too.

And stay on MN!!

LTH, I felt alot like you do now, when I was pregnant with number 3. I struggled alot with the 2 I already had, especially Dd2 and had a god awful pregnancy too.

All I can say is that I think once the baby is born things will change and you will feel alot better and you most certainly will cope, you already are, you just don't feel like it right now, but your kids are dressed and fed, they are at school on time etc etc, which imo is fantastic and no one should be expecting anymore than that from you right now.

If you need help after the baby is born then you must ask for it. Admitting you need help is very hard but obviously now everyone on MN will be making sure that we all know if you do need some help and then help you to get it.

Ok i'm waffling now but you know what I mean.

I think 7 months is when EVERYONE starts to feel anxious. Didnt you feel the same with your other pg's ?
I really do think its normal. I do also believe that if you have done that much in your house in just one morning you sound capable of a lot lot more sweetie.
You are going to be great !!!!

Have you considered the possibilty that you could you get a nice teenage girl to come round to help at the teatime chaos every eve for a little while to help out, bathe the kids, put pj's on, help with tea etc. Even if its just for a short time til you are settled into a new routine. What if she could start before you had the baby ?
I am sure it would be not TOO expensive and probably quite nice to have another female to chat too and keep you sane and make you the odd cuppa!

Just a thought.

Is there a local college you could contact about having a childcare student come round and help out ??