This is really hard to admit but I'm scared and my DH hasn't got a clue about anything....

[LadyTophamHatt]

I'm scared of living so far away from family when PG(especially my family, the ones that really matter to me)
I'm scared of going in to labour on my own with just the kids here.
I'm scared of having another fast delivery and having to delivery the baby myself.
I'm scared that choosing to have another homebirth has alienated me from the whole antenatal care group thing IYSWIM.
I'm scared of having 4 children.

And finally, I'm forcing myelf to type this I'm scared I won't cope with any of it.

I know most of them can be solved but they still scare me.

I have told Dh this. Well screamed it him thsi morning during another arguement. His reply was something like "You've been saying having another one will hardly make any differnece for months so why the change of mind?"
Well, at 7 months PG, with the birth around the corner it's getting harder and harder to convince myslef of that.

He really has no idea how or what I'm feeling whereas I can read him like a book. That scares me too because I knwo when the time comes and if I'm not coping he'll be obvlivious and I just won't say anything.
This PG has totally fucked up my head.

BTW Dh is out with the boys ATM, I might disappear when he gets back because MN is the root of all evil according to him and the reason our house is a pigsty. Forget the fact that I've stripped the bed, turned the friggin mattress, done 2 loads of washing, put the washing away, dusted everywhere, washed up about 5 times today already and been awake since 5am...that doesn't matter. I spend to much time on here.

Yes, lots of students need some "practice", and they are often fab with older ones too.

LTT, where do you live? I'm probably totally wrong but are you near me? (Glos?)

LTH

I have six Dc, and yes you do get scared and rightly so.

I went into labour with ds while home alone with a 3 year old it was fast, 10 mins after first contraction I felt the head. I called an ambulance and a mate, as the ambulance crew and mate walked through the door Ds was born, about 19 mins in total.

It was scary but we were both fine and 3 yr old Ds was over the moon to be able to cuddle his new brother before anyone else.

I know its hard to see things clearly when your brain goes into pregnancy overdrive but you will be ok and you will cope just fine.

Just think of all those little baby helpers you have on hand, waiting to rock and cuddle and love their new Db or Ds.

Take a deep breath, go for a walk or have a nice relaxing bath and get ready to enjoy whats to come.

xxxxx

LTH, imagine both yourself and another woman with 4 children in 30 years time. The other woman was in the same situation as you but had help, to look after the children and around the house ? Do you think looking back you would think she was a failure ? Imagine your sons grown up, maybe with children of their own and all the water that will pass under the bridge to get that point. How important do you think having done it yourself will be then ? There aren't any prizes for going it alone, asking for help does not mean that you can't cope and you will not fall into little pieces once you've asked - if anything you will feel stronger and relieved as you know you won't HAVE to do it alone.

Just like if by any chance breast feeding doesn't work out for whatever reason it will not mean you are a failure. My friend has just had her 3rd baby, having breastfed her previous two without a hint of a problem. This time everything has gone completely pear shaped, she got breast abcesses and septicemia and nearly died. But she hasn't, she's alive and the fact that her DD is currently being bottle fed seems really insignificant right now, just as asking for help will be for you further down the line if that makes sense. In fact I think asking for help when you need it is a sign of a strong character, not a weak one who is not coping.

I am not great at asking for help either (but love helping others...), however I have come to realise that with no family around, I have to accept offers of help from time to time. Luckily there are lots of people I know where I live who are in a similar position regarding no family nearby. I feel a lot better about accepting help if I can reciprocate. I know you are heavily pregnant now but is it too late building up some credit in terms of helping others so you won't feel bad about asking when you need it? And try to remember that even if you can't "repay" the person who helps you, there will always be someone else who you can help further down the line...it's what being part of a community is all about.

I know a few people here who are due to give birth in the next few months and I shall be making sure they have my phone numbers in case they need help - even if they have family coming to stay, everyone needs a "Plan B"!

Get a list of phone numbers together over the next few weeks - normal people won't mind you asking! And try to believe that it will work out and you WILL cope!

AWww LTH. Everything you are feeling is normal hun.

But, let me tell you something....failing is not about accepting help, or even conceding when something is too much for you. Failing is when you are too stubborn to realise you cant possibly do it on your own, or are too apathetic to succeed. Now, I dont think the latter applies to you.

Succeeding at something doesnt mean you have to do it on your own. It really doesnt. Being good at something, yes, thats something that you develop on your own. Succeeding at 'Motherhood' doesnt mean you have to do it all singlehandedly. Its not a skill, or a an assault course. Succeeding sometimes means accepting that you cant do it all by yourself, and asking for help to get you where you need to be. You will have failed if you don't achieve your goal simply because you didnt ask for help. If you have done everything you can - and that includes accepting help form others - then there is no failure in that at all.

So, firstly - where do you live?
Who have you got close by that you can call on ie neighbours, school mums, relatives?
What does the MW suggest wrt to fast labour and who to call on?
How likely is it that you have just developed a brand new set of PG hormones that have totally up-ended you?
Do you think writing down a plan of action might make you feel a bit better, and a bit more in control?

How old are your boys and can they be given a "labour task" in emergencies that you can practice with them?

I think you will find that lots of people would be glad to help you out - even if you dont know them so well. I cant think of anyone who wouldnt (secretly even) enjoy being involved in someones labour experience - even if they arent actually there iykwim? Take advantage of it.

P.S. Its okay to be scared...

Jesus christ....what the fuck does this say abot my marriage?

While they were out I sat and watched last night X factor and come on here for a moan (as you can see). When they got back I felt giulty about sitting down and wandered around the house looking for things to do.

I'm so conditioned to his perfect house/perfect wife ideal that I felt bad about sitting down.

He's gone to work now, which is why I'm back. He kissed all the kids goodbye and asked for one from me. I said no because he makes me feel like shit.

self pitying bump....

Is there any way to make it all better with him and his way??

we have this arguemant about MN/housework/what he wants and does so often it's ridiculous.

Oh, LTH, i don't know anything about your relationship but don't feel guilty about sitting down, good grief you are having a baby!!!
Maybe you need to start doing less as a way to show him that you need to rest. then you can think about the cleaner, nanny, gardener .

But really, take any offers of help, people really don't offer unless they mean it. And others like to feel helpful, as someone said further down.

Oh LTH I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

Your DH sounds like a typical "bury head in sand" type.

OK - practicalities first - the firend that volunteered to help out - she meant it. She has not offered to adopt all your children permanently - she has offered to be someone you call if you need someone to mind your DCs for a few hours till someone else gets there or whatever. She would not have offered if she didn't mean it. Invite her for coffee, tell her you hope NOT to have to call on her but if you do you want to make sure she really doesn't mind. She won't because she could be asking you sometime too! Sort out your plan in your head so that you know who to call and what to do if you do go into labour and DG isn't around.

A doula or post-natal doula sounds like a great idea.

What about an au-pair? Feasible? If you found someone to start in about a month or so you would have the problem of things happening with no-one around sorted and the coping afterwards.

Your DH - sounds like you could do with some counselling. Would it help do you think? Would he go?

Hope you manage to get at least some of your worries sorted.

LTH - sorry, I printed a huge reply and the computer turned itself off before I could press post! So I can't say it all again but the gist was, I can't help you with your fear of labour and missing having your family near by, but I can reassure you about 2 things: firstly, as a mother of 4, believe me, you will find coping with 4 no harder than coping with 3 - you are already super organised and experienced and this will show when you have a new little one to care for.

And secondly, as you have moved, (like me, I have moved 5 times since becoming a mother) you should justify your time on MN as equivalent to all the friends you would have had round for coffee if you had stayed in the one place all your life and knew loads of people locally. Dh cannot begrudge you some human contact! even if it is virtual.

hey lth

remumsnet
try having a week off
s ee if he notice
s i must admit I mn less whne dh is around

well....to paint DH in an even worse light than I already have. Theres no way I could hire/pay anyone(doula/cleaner/mother help whatever) to come and help because he just wouldn't let me.

Fucking hell, I sound pathetic.

Why won't he let you? Does he think you 'should' be doing it all yourself? Has he ever tried, on his own, just for a weekend?

(newborn baby aside, of course - 'just' coping with house and kids)

I think Yes he does think I should do it all myself.

To be fair, a leaner wouldhave a pretty easy job if she did come here because I'd spend 2 hours cleaning before she arroved so it would be pointless. I wouldn't like having someone here doing it as much as he would like paying for it.

Right - for starters you need to go away and leave him with the 3 children for a week. See how he copes then! Bloody man!

Don't ask him - just TELL him it is happening. If he doesn't like it then tough! If he doesn't like it he can stay home and help out.

((((((hugs)))))) LTH

I'm so sorry you are finding this so hard.

I do agree with cod about giving yourself a wee break from MN from time to time. I find that the more time I spend on here, the lower I get (just get into the trap of sitting here pressing refresh again and again ) - if I'm already feeling low/stressed then it can bring me down further. I make a pact with myself to not go onto MN before, say, 3pm, or before the evening, etc.

I dont suppose, there is any excuse for you to have to go visit your Mum or someone for a week sans children?

Give yourself a break, and show DH exactly what it is you spend all day 'not' doing?

Then the minute you walk back in the door, I honestly think you will be in a pretty strong negotiating position. And if he suggests for one second that its a breeze - tell him that it should be no skin off his nose to help you out here and there then, should it?

You dont have to do anything all on your own, for his sake, or yours.

I think you're right Mioau, MN does make me feel worse even when I need it like I do now.

I doubt he'll notice if I do have a break away from it though.

Logging off now, will see you all in a week or so.

(God that sounds so dramatic...I bet I don't manage it though)

Don't set yourself unrealistic targets, LTH - a week if you think you can manage it. Half a day, or a day, if not. As you say, it is your socialisation as well and you need to talk to people. But I do find that if I can set and achieve targets - and it really doesn't matter how small they are - then it helps to raise my self-esteem which in turn helps me to cope better.

You know where I am if you want to chat off-board

we love oyu lth

you knwo that we are real people a phone call away
you can find me in a flash - its hard t o hide wiht "cod" as yer name