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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling hurt and angry at my son

37 replies

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 10:48

My son is 28 hequit a well paid job to do a degree he did not live with me at this time he got on to a course at a local university and asked if he could move in with me whilst he studied i asked my new partner if this was ok with him (he didnt really know my son that well as he lived in annother part of the country) he was happy to help out . My son is now in his final year and im at my wits end i feel like a doormat he does nothing to help out pays a pittance in rent complains constantly at having to be quiet (we both work full time shift work including nigh shift) his room has been cleaned less than half a dozen times in 3 years (it makes me gag sometimes) i am expected to run his errands (take him to uni shopping for things he wants) i asked him to let the dog out last night he forgot she peed on the floor i got "not my dog not my problem" i feel like a slave his dad was abusive he saw a lot of it i feel like its happing all over again wwyd please excuse typos im upset and i really cant be bothered with punctuation.

OP posts:

GoadyFuckAaargh · 23/04/2015 10:57

he is 28?
tell him to pull his weight or ship out
he is an adult

what a shitty situation you are in, but you got rid of one abusive man, don't allow his offspring to treat you in the same way

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/04/2015 11:01

28? How have you not lost it and kicked him out.

My partner is 28, I am 23 and we have lived together in our own place for 4 years and have a toddler together as well as work full time. So the thought of a 28 year old man acting like a kid is really alien to me.

Tell him to start changing, helping out, paying more rent or find somewhere else to live.

Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 11:01

Thank you for your reply i think im putting up with his behaviour because i feel guilty that i made bad choices when he was a child but i a beggining to feel awful i was in tears last week because i had to take him to the supermarket last week and he spent the whole time in the car yelling at me because i didnt answer a question because i knew if i answered honestly he would yell any way jesus this sounds like an abusive partner doesnt it

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Fudgeface123 · 23/04/2015 11:07

Sadly he sounds like your ex has really affected him, don't let it continue. Kick him out and do it now or it will only get worse.

I know your DP isn't his dad but what does he say about it?

DrElizabethPlimpton · 23/04/2015 11:11

I would show him the door I'm afraid. You deserve respect not abuse.

Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 11:11

thank you for the replies its really helping to talk about this my partner thinks he takes the piss out of me but wont get involved because i have asked him not to and to be honest he is nothing but nice to my partner and to me when he is around its just when he is not

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Ratfinkandbobo · 23/04/2015 11:12

He is abusing you.
Kick his arse out.

Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 11:14

Hurts so much to think my son can treat me this way and think its ok

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Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 11:16

I just wanted to help him im so proud of him getting into university and doing well i wanted to support him an now im just sat here crying

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pocketsaviour · 23/04/2015 11:17

i think im putting up with his behaviour because i feel guilty that i made bad choices when he was a child

Yes, I think you're right. However, the fact that you let him witness abuse does not mean he has a right to abuse you in turn.

So far, have you given him any ultimatums about cleaning up his act or moving out? If so, what happened?

I think I would approach this with him on the basis of "This isn't working for any of us - you're unwilling to follow house rules and are getting frustrated and angry living with us, and we are exhausted trying to live with you. We need you to move out."

If he has no income you may need to officially make him homeless in order that he gets re-housed by the local authority, which will mean you need to serve him a formal notice of eviction. However if you state on the letter "because you won't follow the rules" then he won't be eligible for re-housing as he'll be classed as intentionally making himself homeless, so be careful how you word it (as obviously you don't want him to end up on the street.)

I must say your DP must have extraordinary patience to have put up with this for 3 years. I wouldn't.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2015 11:17

Your son needs to leave your home now.

Hippymama1 · 23/04/2015 11:23

His behaviour is not your fault or responsibility. He is a grown man and knows how he should behave as evidenced by his behaviour towards your partner.

Tell him he needs to pay up and clean up within the next week or he's out. Then if he doesn't take the opportunity to sort out his room and behaviour, kick him out of your house. He's treating you terribly.

Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 11:23

I have not threatened to chuck him out yet but i think im posting because he finishes soon and im trying to find the courage to ask him to go because unless i do i think he will carry on using us i have tried nagging him about his laziness but i just get ignored

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Viviennemary · 23/04/2015 11:29

I was going to be sympathetic to him but his behaviour is way beyond anything you should have to accept from somebody of this age and in your home. I agree. Show him the door. There is no point in nagging him about his laziness as he probably won't change because he's got away with it for so long. He's crossed the line IMHO. The not my dog not my problem thing would really have infuriated me to the point of no return. He's got to go.

GoatsDoRoam · 23/04/2015 11:31

He is also going to ignore you once you "find the courage to ask him to go", you know that.

You don't ask him to go. You TELL him to go. And you back it up with action (boxing his stuff and putting it on the lawn, asking police to remove him) if and when he digs his heels in.

You've dealt with one abusive man before. You know this won't be easy : he's only going to do what suits him. So you are going to need to get tough.

cheapskatemum · 23/04/2015 11:36

What pocketsaviour said. At the moment you are codependent, because you are allowing him to behave like this. I have been in a similar situation with DS1. Through counselling, I came to realise I, too, was trying to compensate for things that'd happened in the family when he was a child. It's really quite straightforward, though. You have to draw boundaries and put sanctions into effect if he transgresses them. You hold the power because at the end of the day, if he doesn't behave nicely in your house, he forfeits living there.

Hippymama1 · 23/04/2015 11:41

I am sure your partner will support you in telling him to leave.

You have given him the opportunity to change his behaviour and he hasn't so just pick a date and tell him he has to be out by then.

He's a grown man not a teenager - he'll have to sort something out for himself like millions of other adults do every day. I'm sure he has friends he can stay with.

As goats says, you have to be prepared to back it up with firm action. It's your house and your decision. You say what goes.

cozietoesie · 23/04/2015 11:47

When does he finish his course? His final exams must be very soon indeed I think?

Quitelikely · 23/04/2015 12:06

I understand your guilt. This is what happens to children who grow up witnessing domestic abuse. I do try to hammer this home to people on MN when they are living with children and an abusive partner.

Have you told him his behaviour is abusive? It seems it's the only way he knows how to treat you. Remind him of his father and tell him he is acting out on you.

If he is nice to your partner can I suggest that your partner is there when you tell him the news.

MatildaTheCat · 23/04/2015 12:45

Sounds as if when he moved back in with you he also moved straight back into childhood/ teenage hood. He must be near the end of his studies so I would have a discussion with your partner then simply sit him down and tell him that this arrangement is not working for you and you need him to move out by x date, maybe within a month of finishing his finals.

Don't enter into any debate. He's 28 ffs! Then helpfully provide him with boxes etc.

In the meantime stop cooking and cleaning for him and definitely no laundry. He's treating you dreadfully and sorry, but you are allowing him to.

Hard for you but it has to stop.

Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 12:52

Sorry for not responding sooner, he came down and I had it out with him. Thank you ladies for giving me the courage. I think sometimes I question my feelings and don't act on them I laid it on the line (very quietly dp is on nights) said i felt he was behaving like his father and he did look quite shocked at that that, he had made me cry on a few occasions and that it all stopped right now or he would be leaving within the month. I have asked him to be more respectful and not expect me to run errands after a 10 hour shift, upsetting me to the point of tears is totally unnaceptable that from now on he takes responsibility for his problems and improves his hygene standards keeps his room at an acceptable level. I dont expect immaculate he is i the middle of his dissertation and i dont want to be a total bitch. I'm pretty sure this isnt the end of it but at least i told him straight and didnt back down. I said that I thought it would be best if he looks for somwhere to live after his degree is over as he was an adult and he needs to make his own way in the world.

OP posts:

Original poster

kidsndogs · 23/04/2015 12:58

I think this is so tough for me because my love for my child is unconditional where as for his father i was not I always knew deep down he had no right to treat me badly and eventually I left I just could not abandon my son no matter what his age and if he needs me im there but i guess i do have to draw the line somewhere dont I.

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paxtecum · 23/04/2015 12:59

Well done.
How horrible for you.

Carrying on telling him off when necessary. You are doing him a favour by telling him he is abusive.

badbaldingballerina123 · 23/04/2015 13:00

I've had a similar experience and I agree it's the result of children witnessing abuse. Both myself and my friends who have experienced abuse later find themselves facing the same abuse from a child. Often they employ the same abuse tactics and parrot their abusive phrases.

It's not your fault and it's much more common than people think. There are hundreds of forums and websites dedicated to this subject.

Joysmum · 23/04/2015 13:01

im putting up with his behaviour because i feel guilty that i made bad choices when he was a child

But in putting up with it you're making bad choices now he's an adult. He needs boundaries to be a good decent human being. If he's not then you're doing him damage.

I'm glad you spoke to him, now you need to be consistent in your expectations and conquences if he's not stepping up.

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