feeling hurt and angry at my son

[kidsndogs]

My son is 28 hequit a well paid job to do a degree he did not live with me at this time he got on to a course at a local university and asked if he could move in with me whilst he studied i asked my new partner if this was ok with him (he didnt really know my son that well as he lived in annother part of the country) he was happy to help out . My son is now in his final year and im at my wits end i feel like a doormat he does nothing to help out pays a pittance in rent complains constantly at having to be quiet (we both work full time shift work including nigh shift) his room has been cleaned less than half a dozen times in 3 years (it makes me gag sometimes) i am expected to run his errands (take him to uni shopping for things he wants) i asked him to let the dog out last night he forgot she peed on the floor i got "not my dog not my problem" i feel like a slave his dad was abusive he saw a lot of it i feel like its happing all over again wwyd please excuse typos im upset and i really cant be bothered with punctuation.

It's not his fault is it? It's his fathers and yours a bit for staying with someone abusive and letting them influence your child.

Well done you kidsndogs for standing up for yourself and your home.

Now just make sure you stick to your guns - we're all here to support you!

Well done. It is an incredibly hard thing to do, I know.

I went through similar with my late H's son after his dad died. In his case the abuse he witnessed was between his birth mum and stepdad (long story but SS got involved and I fought for over 18mths to get him back living with me.) He was never verbally abusive to me and he would help out around the house (after a bit of nagging) but he had no respect for my rules about smoking weed in the house. Things reached a head when I discovered he was dealing drugs and was stashing his supply in his bedroom

It was very painful to have to kick him out and I cried my face off at what felt like a huge betrayal. However we do still have a close relationship and he admitted after a few months that if I hadn't done it, he would have ended up either in jail or getting injured or even shot, because that's what that life brings.

This could be what your son needs in order to wake up to reality and start getting his life in order.

Get your partner on board, too. Don't ask, tell. No more errands. Room not cleaned up by end of month he gets out.

You can go to relate with your children as well as partners, I didn't know this.

It might be good for you two to do this together and talk through what he witnessed and how he is repeating the cycle. They are really good at getting you to talk without blame, and seeing all sides.

His behavior might be worse due to stress over dissertation. My DCs talk of it being the worst ever.

I'm in no way justifying his dire behavior but this might contribute and he might come to his senses more after this is past.

I would chuck him out and tell him I'm doing what's best for him, but after he finishes uni.

Well done you - you tackled him and hopefully he will listen to the wake up call you gave him.

Hurts so much to think my son can treat me this way and think its ok THIS is what happens when our DC are exposed to abusive partners, they grow up thinking that it's normal.

It's why I always say to those in abusive relationships to get the kids away from them as much as possible, if they don't make the effort to see the kids, fine, leave it at that, it's better for the DC in the long run.

Staying together for the kids is a terrible thing to give the child as a legacy.

Dixie you leaving is what helped your DS to see the abuse for what it was, an alien and terrible concept. had you have stayed, he would have thought his dad's behaviour is normal.

You have laid out thou boundaries and now you must insist on them being respected, calmly repeat as often as you need to, and remind him that if he is not willing to respect you, he can move out in the month.

I agree with Dixie that he is old enough to seek help...

I think it's a bit harsh to lay blame for his behaviour at the door of the OP. I could understand if it was a child we were talking about here but her son is 28 - a grown man - and old enough to know right from wrong regardless of his childhood experiences and certainly old enough to be accountable for his actions.

Ballerina, where are those sites?? I would dearly love to find them

T-shirt, op. Agree there's no asking, there's TELLING.

I hope it turns out well but if it doesnt be brave: I'm in year 3 of being frozen out bcs I drew boundaries to protect myself. I'm half dead with it but I live in hope. They had a good upbringing, despite abusive ex (whom I left when they were young), and that has to bear fruit at some stage - surely? It may or may not be a long haul but it's the very best you can do for him, even if it's tough on you.

Re supporting my kids: I am there in a heartbeat in a genuine crisis - I'm not punishing them by setting healthy boundaries. I protect myself, which means my home (and my car..) - a very clear example of boundaries bcs they are literal, physical boundaries - re 'this is mine and belongs to me, you are not welcome in them if you are abusive'.

Oh please don't get me wrong, I know how hard it is, and the only fault lays at the feet of the abuser who choose to abuse.

I'm not blaming the op, the determination it took to leave her ex is the determination she will need to keep her son from being disrespectful.

By the sounds of it, his reaction was shocked at her words, so maybe he'll cop himself on and change damned fast. It is important for everyone in this to understand the dynamic.

My guess is that he has not given it much thought at all. Op appears to be someone who avoids confrontation and seeks harmony, but who lacks the courage to communicate her own boundaries. This is something we have to learn after an abusive relationship. It needs undoing. His reaction is encouraging in that he looked shocked, apologised and promised to change. Actions not words now, and rock solid boundaries.